Can I Safely Date Older Men?

[Zaphod]

You also don't know me and what I'm going through, nor do you know everybody else. Don't be so quick to assume that you have the answers.

 

Ah - I'm not claiming to know you. I'm simply making the statement that it's illogical for you to compare yourself to everyone else, seeing as you don't know everyone else. You may be pleasantly surprised in your life to discover kindred spirits in this respect. And once lonely people discover that other people are lonely too, ironically, this helps with the loneliness.

 

I'm lonely too. I have friends and family though. If that helps.

 

Now to give you a platform - can you describe the way in which you're lonely?

[SkyBlue98]

It is not uncommon to lose your best high school friend. I ended the friendship after 20 years, as she had changed into someone I no longer wanted to know passive aggressive and manipulative. We learn something from everyone that passes through our lives, some will be there a lifetime, most are temporary.

 

It is time that you get out an expand your social circle. You cannot depend on one friend. I suggest groups through school, Meetups and volunteering. I have made many amazing friends. Many I have now known for 10 years.

 

It is up to you to create your happiness. No one else.[/Q Maybe I didn't explain it well- my sadness is about a lot more than just feeling bitterness toward someone who is supposed to be my best friend, but it's hard to put into words.

[katrina1980]

That may be true, but I'm lonely in a way that's different than "everybody else."

 

With love Sky, how would you know how lonely 'everyone else' is?

 

Zaphod is right.... we all have our fair share of issues to deal with, some more severe than others.

 

Personally I went through Hell earlier in the year, and with strength and resilience worked my way back to some semblance of sanity and happiness.

 

Lonliness is a fact of life, for everyone at certain times in their life, it is how we deal with it that is important.

 

Zaphod also made another good point about one's character versus age.

 

You are looking for someone wiser, more experienced, someone to lean on and learn from.

 

That is fine! Look for that, put *that* in your profile.

 

Age is just a number, does not mean jack sh** at least not in my world.

 

You could meet an "older* man who has the maturity level of a 15 year old (I have met a few).

 

Or you could meet a 25-30 year old who has the experience and maturity of a man MUCH older.

 

I have known men like that too!

 

Re making friends in general, there are meet up groups, you could volunteer, lots you can do to meet people, of all ages.

 

And see what develops from there.

[SkyBlue98]

Ah - I'm not claiming to know you. I'm simply making the statement that it's illogical for you to compare yourself to everyone else, seeing as you don't know everyone else. You may be pleasantly surprised in your life to discover kindred spirits in this respect. And once lonely people discover that other people are lonely too, ironically, this helps with the loneliness.

 

I'm lonely too. I have friends and family though. If that helps.

 

Now to give you a platform - can you describe the way in which you're lonely?

 

I guess I just feel like at my age, I should have experienced so much more than I have- just the stupid stuff that all teenagers do. But then when I get right down to it, I'm really not into getting drunk or experimenting with drugs or any of that stuff. I'm just a very solitary person; I stay in because I feel like I don't have a lot of people my age who I can connect to, but then I'm too young to really be around the people who I feel that I could connect to. So I'm just stuck in this place where I do have people that I like and love, but in general I feel very lonely.

[SkyBlue98]

With love Sky, how would you know how lonely 'everyone else' is?

 

Zaphod is right.... we all have our fair share of issues to deal with, some more severe than others.

 

Personally I went through Hell earlier in the year, and with strength and resilience worked my way back to some semblance of sanity.

 

Lonliness is a fact of life, it is how we deal with it that is important.

 

Zaphod also made another good point about one's character versus age.

 

You are looking for someone wiser, more experienced, someone to lean on and learn from.

 

That is fine! Look for that, put *that* in your profile.

 

Age is just a number, does not mean jack sh** at least not in my world.

 

You could meet an "older* man who has the maturity level of a 15 year old (I have met a few).

 

Or you could meet a 30 year old who has the experience and maturity of a man MUCH older.

 

I have known men like that too!

 

Re making friends in general, there are meet up groups, you could volunteer, lots you can do to meet people, of all ages.

 

And see what develops from there.

 

All I meant by that was that I felt he was minimizing it, saying "well, everyone's lonely, that's not a big deal." I understand that even the most loved people feel lonely sometimes, but I constantly feel lonely, in a way I am quite sure that not everybody on this planet does. That's all I meant by that. But I understand now what he was saying, and I agree.

[katrina1980]

All I meant by that was that I felt he was minimizing it, saying "well, everyone's lonely, that's not a big deal." I understand that even the most loved people feel lonely sometimes, but I constantly feel lonely, in a way I am quite sure that not everybody on this planet does. That's all I meant by that. But I understand now what he was saying, and I agree.

 

What about what he (and I) said about age versus character?

 

That was more the gist of my post.

 

Do you have any thoughts on that? Focusing more on a man's character and the qualities he possesses (strength, experience, intelligence, maturity level) as opposed to his actual age?

 

And putting those things in your profile? As opposed to the age bracket?

[Zaphod]

I guess I just feel like at my age, I should have experienced so much more than I have- just the stupid stuff that all teenagers do. But then when I get right down to it, I'm really not into getting drunk or experimenting with drugs or any of that stuff. I'm just a very solitary person; I stay in because I feel like I don't have a lot of people my age who I can connect to, but then I'm too young to really be around the people who I feel that I could connect to. So I'm just stuck in this place where I do have people that I like and love, but in general I feel very lonely.

 

I feel like this at 45. Never been married. No kids. Look young for my age. Like Rock and Roll and Techno. Anyone who tells me I "should" be doing stuff can eff themselves up the rectum with a broom handle.

 

When you say "Should have" experienced - how do you figure that? Is there some kind of unwritten blueprint somewhere that dictates that?

 

"Should have" - in order to.... what? Be a balanced person? Be accepted by your peers? Get on a good salary?

 

My guess is you mean "To be accepted" - by who?

 

I may be wrong though, I'm only guessing.

 

Social pressure. Social conditioning. The world is changing. You have a right to be who you want. Stand your ground.

 

Do you value being accepted by your peers more than you value being true to yourself? It's not a loaded question. The answer "I value being accepted by my peers more" is perfectly viable.

 

You sound like a lone wolf. Same here. It comes with freedom. But it also comes with loneliness, by definition.

[Hollyj]

I guess I just feel like at my age, I should have experienced so much more than I have- just the stupid stuff that all teenagers do. But then when I get right down to it, I'm really not into getting drunk or experimenting with drugs or any of that stuff. I'm just a very solitary person; I stay in because I feel like I don't have a lot of people my age who I can connect to, but then I'm too young to really be around the people who I feel that I could connect to. So I'm just stuck in this place where I do have people that I like and love, but in general I feel very lonely.

 

I think that you are judging others unfairly, thinking that they are not at your level of maturity. It doesn't even seem like you have made any effort, as this is the decision you have made.

 

As Katrina said, we all have our issues. I lost both my father and brother within the last six years. My mother is the only one left - no other family. I am scared that when she passes (she is now 87) that I will be alone - no blood relatives . The situation is what it is. I can choose to feel sorry for myself and close myself off, or make the best of this amazing thing called life. Thankfully, I have a large social circle, and the age ranges from 25-90. I get much from all!

 

Like I said, it is up to you. Stop thinking you are above others your age, and make an effort to get out there and find like minded-people. Have you done any volunteering?

[Zaphod]

All I meant by that was that I felt he was minimizing it, saying "well, everyone's lonely, that's not a big deal.".

 

I didn't say it wasn't a big deal. At least I'm pretty sure I didn't. This - you filled in by yourself in your imagination. Your assumption.

 

Let's not fill in the gaps. Let us only go on what we have to hand.

[Zaphod]

Everyone's lonely. In their own way. It's part of the human condition.

 

Yeah here you go. This was my post. At no point did I say it wasn't a big deal.

[SkyBlue98]

What about what he (and I) said about age versus character?

 

That was more the gist of my post.

 

Do you have any thoughts on that? Focusing more on a man's character and the qualities he possesses (strength, experience, intelligence, maturity level) as opposed to his actual age?

 

And putting those things in your profile? As opposed to the age bracket?

 

I agree with what you're saying, up to a point... I just think it can be really hard to find a young guy who I really connect to. I said somewhere earlier in the thread that all that confidence is attractive on an older guy, but for a younger guy it can seem arrogant.

 

But also I am a suspicious person by nature, and although I like older men I would definitely be wary of one who had no qualms about being in a relationship with me.

[SkyBlue98]

I didn't say it wasn't a big deal. At least I'm pretty sure I didn't. This - you filled in by yourself in your imagination. Your assumption.

 

Let's not fill in the gaps. Let us only go on what we have to hand.

 

It's okay, don't worry about it. I just didn't get what you were saying right away; I understand now.

[SkyBlue98]

I think that you are judging others unfairly, thinking that they are not at your level of maturity. It doesn't even seem like you have made any effort, as this is the decision you have made.

 

As Katrina said, we all have our issues. I lost both my father and brother within the last six years. My mother is the only one left - no other family. I am scared that when she passes (she is now 87) that I will be alone - no blood relatives . The situation is what it is. I can choose to feel sorry for myself and close myself off, or make the best of this amazing thing called life. Thankfully, I have a large social circle, and the age ranges from 25-90. I get much from all!

 

Like I said, it is up to you. Stop thinking you are above others your age, and make an effort to get out there and find like minded-people. Have you done any volunteering?

 

I went to high school for 4 years... I know what people my age are like. I don't know if you are trying to be helpful or not, but it isn't helpful to suggest that all I do is sit around feeling sorry for myself. You don't know me.

[Hollyj]

I'm going by what you write.

 

Some of my younger friends do not drink and party. They are involved in many different things: art, hiking, volunteering - in fact most of the people that I have volunteered with are young- food, book clubs, any clubs etc....

 

WHY NOT EXPAND YOUR SOCIAL CIRCLE, BEYOND YOUR SCHOOL! I stand by the fact that you are making unfair judgements, and do no want to explore other options. That's your choice. If you feel better staying in, then that's your choice.

 

Good luck!

[katrina1980]

I think that you are judging others unfairly, thinking that they are not at your level of maturity. It doesn't even seem like you have made any effort, as this is the decision you have made.

 

As Katrina said, we all have our issues. I lost both my father and brother within the last six years. My mother is the only one left - no other family. I am scared that when she passes (she is now 87) that I will be alone - no blood relatives . The situation is what it is. I can choose to feel sorry for myself and close myself off, or make the best of this amazing thing called life and carry on.

 

Like I said, it is up to you. Stop thinking you are above others your age, and make an effort to get out there and find like minded people. Have you done any volunteering?

 

Spot on!

 

Holly, I am sorry to hear about your dad and brother.

 

I lost both my parents within one month of each other in 2014.

 

Discovered my boyfriend/fiance of six years , , was a bonafide drug addict in late 2015. Destroyed our relationship.

 

Triple whammy within a two year period.

 

Yeah I could say, "NO ONE has ever suffered so much loss within such a short time" but I am POSITIVE that many people have suffered more than I, and felt lonlier than I.

 

Even though at one point, considered taking my own life!

 

I made it back and doing great now.

 

For one to presume his/her pain is more severe than anyone else's is very self-centered and presumptuous.

 

I have found feeling sorry for myself served no good purpose.

 

To the contrary, reaching out to help others going through worse actually helped ME recover from my own pain, and find my way back to happiness, or some version thereof.

[Chloee1988]

interesting thing--- not an answer, maybe food for thought--about the emotionally unavailable men. I mean obviously the habit of picking them is defensive, if they're not entirely emotionally invested in me, there's less chance of them finding out "i'm actually not worth the investment, i'm a fraud". By extension, it's also the habit of assuming you don't deserve better. But i wanted to say something else.

 

Very true, subconsciously I may be looking for these types of men because I'm constantly thinking that I don't deserve someone who would actually want to invest in me. I'm always thinking "why in the world would someone be interested enough to invest in me?" Obviously this way of thinking is extremely damaging but undoing such a process of thinking takes years.

 

I also hypothesize that another reason for seeking emotionally unavailable men is the fact that my father was emotionally detached from me (never affectionate either in words or in actions), I am constantly looking for someone who reminds me of him because I never did fully have him involved in a way that any daughter would want her father. So it's like a never ending need to satisfy childhood needs that went unmet. In a subconscious way, I associate love with emotional detachment since that was the only type my father was capable of, so in a way seeking that unavailable man somehow reassures me because he reminds me of my dad. Just some food for thought.

 

You're pretty spot-on in your post and you have definitely shared some very interesting theories that sound very plausible and make a lot of sense.

[SkyBlue98]

I'm going by what you write.

 

Some of my younger friends do not drink and party. They are involved in many different things: art, hiking, volunteering - in fact most of the people that I have volunteered with are young- food, book clubs, any clubs etc....

 

WHY NOT EXPAND YOUR SOCIAL CIRCLE, BEYOND YOUR SCHOOL! I stand by the fact that you are making unfair judgements, and do no want to explore other options. That's your choice. If you feel better staying in, then that's your choice.

 

Good luck![/quote

 

I also have borderline OCD and anxiety issues that make expanding my social circle difficult. That's what I meant when I said you don't know me; you don't know some of the other struggles I face that exacerbate my already-existing issues.

[Hollyj]

Spot on!

 

Holly, I am sorry to hear about your dad and brother.

 

I lost both my parents within one month of each other in 2014.

 

Discovered my boyfriend/fiance of six years , , was a bonafide drug addict in late 2015.

 

Triple whammy within a two year period.

 

Yeah I could say, "NO ONE has ever suffered so much loss within such a short time" but I am POSITIVE that many people have suffered more than I, and felt lonlier than I.

 

Even though at one point, considered taking my own life!

 

I made it back and doing great now.

 

For one to presume his/her pain is more severe than anyone else's is very self-centered and presumptuous.

 

I have found feeling sorry for myself served no good purpose.

 

To the contrary, reaching out to help others going through worse actually helped ME recover my own pain, and find my way back to happiness, or some version thereof.

 

Katrina, I can't imagine. My heart goes out to you.

 

I am so glad you found your way back. It sounds like you are in a really good place.

 

I do agree that when one believes that their pain exceeds others is "very self-centered and presumptuous." There is really no excuse. Hell, all we have to do is turn on the TV, and observe the current events in Syria. It really irks me, when people complain that they are lonely, but make no effort to make any life changes. I am having some issues with the OP's attitude, coming off as being more mature, when it actually comes off as being the opposite.

 

I agree. helping others is so rewarding and fun. Takes the focus off of us.

[SkyBlue98]

Katrina, I can't imagine. My heart goes out to you.

 

I am so glad you found your way back. It sounds like you are in a really good place.

 

I do agree that when one believes that their pain exceeds others is "very self-centered and presumptuous." There is really no excuse. Hell, all we have to do is turn on the TV, and observe the current events in Syria. It really irks me, when people complain that they are lonely, but make no effort to make any life changes. I am having some issues with the OP's attitude, coming off as being more mature, when it actually comes off as being the opposite.

 

I agree. helping others is so rewarding and fun. Takes the focus off of us.

 

Listen.

 

I went on a humanitarian trip to Cambodia in March for three weeks where I saw people who lived with such struggles and sadness. They lived in the face of such poverty and had so much working against them, yet they still live with so much joy. That, to me, was amazing.

 

Every night (though I get tired or forget sometimes) I try to write in my gratitude journal about a few things that happened that day that I am grateful for.

 

I know I am blessed. I am blessed, but I am hurting. You shaming me for that is not going to help my pain, and I shouldn't have to explain myself to you. But I want you to know that I try to live with gratitude, even when I am hurting.

[katrina1980]

I'm going by what you write.

 

Some of my younger friends do not drink and party. They are involved in many different things: art, hiking, volunteering - in fact most of the people that I have volunteered with are young- food, book clubs, any clubs etc....

 

WHY NOT EXPAND YOUR SOCIAL CIRCLE, BEYOND YOUR SCHOOL! I stand by the fact that you are making unfair judgements, and do no want to explore other options. That's your choice. If you feel better staying in, then that's your choice.

 

Good luck![/quote

 

I also have borderline OCD and anxiety issues that make expanding my social circle difficult. That's what I meant when I said you don't know me; you don't know some of the other struggles I face that exacerbate my already-existing issues.

 

Sky, not to minimize your issues, but you have options. there are things you can do.

 

I have GAD (general anxiety disorder) and was diagnosed with Bipolar II five years ago.

 

My anxiety was so intense, I did not sleep for nine days, and had to be hospitalized.

 

I was on meds for awhile but hated them so got off.

 

I now run and do yoga and Pilates. I eat healthy. I meditate.

 

I surround my self with positive people and avoid any sort of negativity.

 

I volunteer on occasion, help others (or try to). It is a known fact that helping others raises one's own self esteem.

 

I am not suggesting you don't continue searching for a partner. Not at all!

 

But I think it is wrong to believe that the *right* man will solve your problems.

 

Which is what it sounds like to me, I could be wrong!

 

Try helping yourself first. Become strong first. Become emotionally healthy first.

 

Feel good about yourself and your life first!

 

When you do, you will find yourself becoming much more open to all different types of men, of all ages... and healthier relationships.

 

Apologies if this sounds preachy, not my intention.

 

I have just learned so much these past two years, I sometimes feel feel like screaming it from roof tops!

[Hollyj]

Then why didn't you share these things. You were not coming off in a positive manner.

 

I commend you for your work in Cambodia! That is amazing. I have been twice, and it is heart breaking - I only travel to the developing world.

 

I am glad you know that you are blessed. But, there must be some organizations or groups that you can feel some connection with. You are capable of a lot of things, if you could to that Asia trip, as many are who are in your position, and worse. Stop seeing obstacles.

[Hollyj]

 

Sky, not to minimize your issues, but you have options. there are things you can do.

 

I have GAD (general anxiety disorder) and was diagnosed with Bipolar II five years ago.

 

I was on meds for awhile but hated them so got off.

 

I now run and do yoga and Pilates. I eat healthy. I meditate.

 

I surround my self with positive people and avoid any sort of negativity.

 

I volunteer on occasion, help others (or try to). It is a known fact that helping others raises one's own self esteem.

 

I am not suggesting you don't continue searching for a partner. Not at all!

 

But I think it is wrong to believe that the *right* man will solve your problems. Which is what it sounds like to me, I could be wrong!

 

Try helping yourself first. Become strong first. Become emotionally healthy first.

 

Feel good about yourself and your life first?

 

When you do, you will find yourself becoming much more open to all different types of men, of all ages... and healthier relationships.

 

Apologies if this sounds preachy, not my intention.

 

I have just learned so much these past two years, I sometimes feel feel like screaming it from roof tops!

 

Great suggestions!!!

[SkyBlue98]

Then why didn't you share these things. You were not coming off in a positive manner.

 

I commend you for your work in Cambodia! That is amazing. I have been twice, and it is heart breaking - I only travel to the developing world.

 

I am glad you know that you are blessed. But, there must be some organizations or groups that you can feel some connection with. You are capable of a lot of things, if you could to that Asia trip, as many are who are in your position, and worse. Stop seeing obstacles.

 

I didn't share them because I didn't think I should have to. I came here to get some much-needed advice, not judged by a couple of comments I made and labelled as selfish.

[Hollyj]

You have to understand what you readers are absorbing. It was relevant.

[SkyBlue98]

 

Sky, not to minimize your issues, but you have options. there are things you can do.

 

I have GAD (general anxiety disorder) and was diagnosed with Bipolar II five years ago.

 

My anxiety was so intense, I did not sleep for nine days, and had to be hospitalized.

 

I was on meds for awhile but hated them so got off.

 

I now run and do yoga and Pilates. I eat healthy. I meditate.

 

I surround my self with positive people and avoid any sort of negativity.

 

I volunteer on occasion, help others (or try to). It is a known fact that helping others raises one's own self esteem.

 

I am not suggesting you don't continue searching for a partner. Not at all!

 

But I think it is wrong to believe that the *right* man will solve your problems.

 

Which is what it sounds like to me, I could be wrong!

 

Try helping yourself first. Become strong first. Become emotionally healthy first.

 

Feel good about yourself and your life first!

 

When you do, you will find yourself becoming much more open to all different types of men, of all ages... and healthier relationships.

 

Apologies if this sounds preachy, not my intention.

 

I have just learned so much these past two years, I sometimes feel feel like screaming it from roof tops!

 

I do yoga as well, and I do enjoy it, but I need more than just that. But I do understand what you're saying, and you're right- I can't rely on a man, or anyone for that matter, to solve my problems.