Can I Safely Date Older Men?

[RainyCoast]

you'd be careful to what? find role models without being intimately or romantically involved with them?

 

or careful to get involved with "the good kind" of someone who needs you to need them as an authority figure, who needs you to want to be lead, shaped and moulded and dependent?

 

because the latter is an oximoron.

 

the role you assign yourself and the other in the dynamic you describe and want is what predetermines your experience more than the fact that there are weirdos out there. it programs you to look for the type who needs a dependent, gullible and controllable, so hungry for a fatherly authority figure that they will be very determined to get and keep one, even when unhealthy or harmful. It's schema chemistry, and it can be unlearned.

 

do you keep as careful an eye on your patterns as you do on excluding everyone who doesn't resemble a parent substitute from your experience?

 

it's getting hard to comment without sounding like we're preaching or paranoid. i think you're set on something and won't be talked out of it, and while we can attest to the fact the strongest lessons are acquired experientally, we can also attest to the fact there are easier ways of learning and the consequences aren't always worth the reactionary learning method.

 

i hope it is evident why responders are concerned.

 

it's hard to assume you're just playing with the idea in fantasy, because you keep going back to discussing them as romantic partners and ways of "safely" executing the plan.

 

the best that can happen is ending up disappointed, writing it down to experience and learning from it...or ending up in dependency that doesn't result in significant harm. it'll put you right there with millions of others. no biggy. but personally, i don't like counting on luck alone, and go by the thumb rule if you don't want the likely consequence, you don't want the choice. but hey.

 

An uncle, someone related, isn't an option you say. Why, because you won't end up in a relationship with them? Soaking up male wisdom and guidance through reading i dunno J.Krishnamurti and attending classes and having actual mentors, taking consultations or whatever and addressing the parental deficit the preferred way don't seem like something you're interested in either. It's like it's Lolita or nothing.

 

you get really interesting content from ppl here, and you only respond to bits relating to why you want to be involved with older men, and reiterate you can pull it off well. it makes one wonder what more to say.

 

i hope you at least postpone the idea until you've mulled over it, and the discussion on here. if anything bad happens, i hope you come back for advice.

[SkyBlue98]

you'd be careful to what? find role models without being intimately or romantically involved with them?

 

or careful to get involved with "the good kind" of someone who needs you to need them as an authority figure, who needs you to want to be lead, shaped and moulded and dependent?

 

because the latter is an oximoron.

 

the role you assign yourself and the other in the dynamic you describe and want is what predetermines your experience more than the fact that there are weirdos out there. it programs you to look for the type who needs a dependent, gullible and controllable, so hungry for a fatherly authority figure that they will be very determined to get and keep one, even when unhealthy or harmful. It's schema chemistry, and it can be unlearned.

 

do you keep as careful an eye on your patterns as you do on excluding everyone who doesn't resemble a parent substitute from your experience?

 

it's getting hard to comment without sounding like we're preaching or paranoid. i think you're set on something and won't be talked out of it, and while we can attest to the fact the strongest lessons are acquired experientally, we can also attest to the fact there are easier ways of learning and the consequences aren't always worth the reactionary learning method.

 

i hope it is evident why responders are concerned.

 

it's hard to assume you're just playing with the idea in fantasy, because you keep going back to discussing them as romantic partners and ways of "safely" executing the plan.

 

the best that can happen is ending up disappointed, writing it down to experience and learning from it...or ending up in dependency that doesn't result in significant harm. it'll put you right there with millions of others. no biggy. but personally, i don't like counting on luck alone, and go by the thumb rule if you don't want the likely consequence, you don't want the choice. but hey.

 

An uncle, someone related, isn't an option you say. Why, because you won't end up in a relationship with them? Soaking up male wisdom and guidance through reading i dunno J.Krishnamurti and attending classes and having actual mentors, taking consultations or whatever and addressing the parental deficit the preferred way don't seem like something you're interested in either. It's like it's Lolita or nothing.

 

you get really interesting content from ppl here, and you only respond to bits relating to why you want to be involved with older men, and reiterate you can pull it off well. it makes one wonder what more to say.

 

i hope you at least postpone the idea until you've mulled over it, and the discussion on here. if anything bad happens, i hope you come back for advice.

 

I don't think I've ever said I was confident I could pull it off well... Actually, at this point I'm really just trying to clear up misconceptions. I feel like people suddenly started assuming that I want some freaky Lolita type relationship when really that's not what I want. This whole thread got so out of hand.

 

My truth is that I have always felt a stronger connection to people who are older than me, and when I turned 18 a few months ago I felt like maybe I could cultivate more relationships with people- men and women- that I wouldn't have been able to otherwise. But I soon realized it wasn't that simple- I am an adult, but barely, which puts me in an awkward position.

 

Maybe I should have worded it differently. I felt like I became under attack, and I guess my words may have had something to do with that. When I was talking about meeting a friend or mentor, I did not mean on a dating site- I am well aware what people are looking for on those places. I guess the best thing I can do is just move on, try to foster the connections that I have, and hope my social circle will naturally expand with age.

[RainyCoast]

yes, but i'm appealing to the vagueness of the described friend and mentor.

 

can you, i mean just even for yourself, not for us if it makes you feel under attack, specify honestly whether you want a friend and mentor or whether you secretly hope it'll morph into something else?

 

friendships and mentorships are possible, and can be wonderful and valuable of course.

[SkyBlue98]

yes, but i'm appealing to the vagueness of the described friend and mentor.

 

can you, i mean just even for yourself, not for us if it makes you feel under attack, specify honestly whether you want a friend and mentor or whether you secretly hope it'll morph into something else?

 

friendships and mentorships are possible, and can be wonderful and valuable of course.

 

My honest answer is that if I had a friend or mentor who I really liked and it morphed into something else, I would be happy. That said, I don't need for that to happen. I just want to surround myself with people, male and female, that I enjoy and can learn from. Of course I want to have a relationship eventually, but I guess it will happen when it happens.

[Zaphod]

OP - Just play it by ear, see how it goes?

 

Let's be frank here. The main bone of contention here is sex.

 

An 18 year old woman having sex with a man in his forties.

 

If you like the idea of that, then you like the idea of that. People who claim it to be "disgusting" and stuff - they're irrelevant. There is no deceipt. Nature allows it, the law allows it, biology allows it, the laws of physics allow it. If anyone calls you disgusting or calls him disgusting, then tell them to mind their own business. Or reverse it on them and highlight something about them that you find disgusting.

 

If you're not interested in sex with a man in his forties then this just boils down to you making friends with a man in his forties. And the answer is - of course you can.

 

As far as a man in his forties wanting to have sex with an eighteen year old woman - that depends what you look like. Nothing to do with age. Or at least in my book it does. Just because you're eighteen doesn't make you automtically attractive. I go by how attractive women are, not what age they are.

 

As far as a man in his forties using his guile and charm to get you into bed, well - I think a younger man could do this too. Older men don't necessarily have more game than younger men.

 

You take your risks, you know the risks, go into it with your eyes open, you're covered.

[RainyCoast]

My truth is that I have always felt a stronger connection to people who are older than me, and when I turned 18 a few months ago I felt like maybe I could cultivate more relationships with people- men and women- that I wouldn't have been able to otherwise. But I soon realized it wasn't that simple- I am an adult, but barely, which puts me in an awkward position.

 

i hear two things here.

 

one is "i need father to take an interest in me and appreciate me and i can't connect to anyone until i've had that need met". and you're absolutely correct. And as long as you know the need isn't met through a substitute, you're good. Mentors, friends, counselors are fine. and yeah, sex isn't a sin, and it isn't therapy either- at least not for more than a few hours.

 

I have a story about someone who managed to survive 93 years with mother substitutes, never had to face the maternal deficit because there were women who provided a symbiotic relationship through compulsive caretaking. Then, two years ago, the last sorrogate died. He's suicidal, severely depressed and since suffers from one of the worst cases of DID i've seen. It's a sad way to face a loss that has been sucessfully ignored for almost a century. And he falls under the best case scenario category because for nearly a century he had the experience of harmless symbiosis. well, harmless for him, the mommy figures he sucked the life out of with his dependency. and their enabling.

 

hoping guidance morphs into a relationship is what creates the grounds for dependency, and dynamics marked by control, endless disempowerement and more. if you noticed the interest the benevolent gents here described for young females, it wasn't inspired by her wish to remain regressed in infantile dependence by handing her power and responsibility for herself and her growth to an authority figure. i hear them say quite the contrary, not enough woman/too much child is the offputting aspect, or their interest in young folk is purely friendly.

 

two, being barely an adult puts me in anawkward position. yes and no. i meant to extrapolate on this age thing sooner and kept forgetting. i mean it does, but the described dynamic takes place and is engaged in by people of all ages. usually an adult is better equipped to look after themselves, but not always. as you see, people can not address the reasons they're drawn to this type of relating for...well..for almost ever. and with sufficient avoidance, the problem gains more and more power over us, so that when we're finally forced to deal with it, the task may be much more difficult than a timely intervention would be. instinctively, i sense more violence potential with young people, but statistics are pretty horrid when limited to adults alone.

[Fudgie]

When I was your age at 18, I definitely wanted sex/relationships with older men and that's precisely what I did. When I blew the candles on my birthday cake at 18, the only thing that went through my mind was "I am finally old enough to love any adult I want". I believe I'm better off for it now, experiencing what I did. You want it? Go for it. You're an adult. Not a child. Just be aware, there are risks as with anyone. Be smart, don't be stupid, don't take crazy risks, and don't have huge expectations.

[Zaphod]

Yeah I mean on the flip side - an older man may be better in bed. Why should an eighteen year old woman be deprived of experiencing this, we could ask ourselves?

 

What would we think about an 18 year old man having sex with a 45 year old woman?

[SkyBlue98]

When I was your age at 18, I definitely wanted sex/relationships with older men and that's precisely what I did. When I blew the candles on my birthday cake at 18, the only thing that went through my mind was "I am finally old enough to love any adult I want". I believe I'm better off for it now, experiencing what I did. You want it? Go for it. You're an adult. Not a child. Just be aware, there are risks as with anyone. Be smart, don't be stupid, don't take crazy risks, and don't have huge expectations.

 

I'm curious... Not saying I'm going to do what you did, but where did you meet those older people when you were 18?

[Wiseman2]

I'd rather stick my head next to a car exhaust and get high off that.

]

[SkyBlue98]

i hear two things here.

 

one is "i need father to take an interest in me and appreciate me and i can't connect to anyone until i've had that need met". and you're absolutely correct. And as long as you know the need isn't met through a substitute, you're good. Mentors, friends, counselors are fine. and yeah, sex isn't a sin, and it isn't therapy either- at least not for more than a few hours.

 

I have a story about someone who managed to survive 93 years with mother substitutes, never had to face the maternal deficit because there were women who provided a symbiotic relationship through compulsive caretaking. Then, two years ago, the last sorrogate died. He's suicidal, severely depressed and since suffers from one of the worst cases of DID i've seen. It's a sad way to face a loss that has been sucessfully ignored for almost a century. And he falls under the best case scenario category because for nearly a century he had the experience of harmless symbiosis. well, harmless for him, the mommy figures he sucked the life out of with his dependency. and their enabling.

 

hoping guidance morphs into a relationship is what creates the grounds for dependency, and dynamics marked by control, endless disempowerement and more. if you noticed the interest the benevolent gents here described for young females, it wasn't inspired by her wish to remain regressed in infantile dependence by handing her power and responsibility for herself and her growth to an authority figure. i hear them say quite the contrary, not enough woman/too much child is the offputting aspect, or their interest in young folk is purely friendly.

 

two, being barely an adult puts me in anawkward position. yes and no. i meant to extrapolate on this age thing sooner and kept forgetting. i mean it does, but the described dynamic takes place and is engaged in by people of all ages. usually an adult is better equipped to look after themselves, but not always. as you see, people can not address the reasons they're drawn to this type of relating for...well..for almost ever. and with sufficient avoidance, the problem gains more and more power over us, so that when we're finally forced to deal with it, the task may be much more difficult than a timely intervention would be. instinctively, i sense more violence potential with young people, but statistics are pretty horrid when limited to adults alone.

 

I just want to clarify... I think you're really under the impression that I'm trying to fill some huge hole, like I have really severe parental issues. True, I'm not super close to my dad, but I'm no different from other people in that regard. Ive always liked older people- I just feel a bit older than my age, and older people are who I connect to. I want a friend or partner, not a surrogate parent.

[RainyCoast]

i don't think your posts describe the usual search for a partner, age aside. seemingly, i wasn't the only one under that impression.

 

the sex and age things are relative. wanting daddy/a dependent isn't.

 

having sex with people of whatever age isn't necessarily an issue in and of itself. apparently, ppl can ascertain that for them, it wasn't.

 

and sure, one can be 50, with a 20 year old surrogate. it's no worse and no better.

 

nevermind. i give up.

[JaggerJim]

You make it seem like it's too hard to meet an older man. I doubt that very much. What's holding you back, and what does the older man have to have for you to be interested?

[SkyBlue98]

You make it seem like it's too hard to meet an older man. I doubt that very much. What's holding you back, and what does the older man have to have for you to be interested?

 

I just think that a lot of older men would love the idea of being with an 18 yr old because they love the whole "barely legal" thing, which is really creepy. I'd rather have an older man be with me in spite of my age than because of it.

 

And it is sort of hard to meet older men when I'm only 18 anyway- it's not like we frequent the same hangouts.

[JaggerJim]

Men love younger woman is that's a fact. Always has been, always will be. Men are more visual than woman and probably a bit more shallow than woman. So if your going to base this criteria that you have mentioned (he must love me not for my age) is going to be hard. You will probably find some older man who does not see you this way, but most do.

 

Just go with who you find attractive and want to spend time with. It can't be that hard can it?

[SkyBlue98]

Men love younger woman is that's a fact. Always has been, always will be. Men are more visual than woman and probably a bit more shallow than woman. So if your going to base this criteria that you have mentioned (he must love me not for my age) is going to be hard. You will probably find some older man who does not see you this way, but most do.

 

Just go with who you find attractive and want to spend time with. It can't be that hard can it?

 

No, but what I'm saying is, a lot of men would date a 25 yr old but not an 18 yr old because let's be honest, 18 is really young and a lot of men who would date a barely legal girl would probably fantasize about going even younger.

 

And I don't determine my value from my age. No, I'm not interested in dating someone who only sees value in me because I'm young. That can be part of the appeal, but not the whole thing.

[Capricorn3]

No, but what I'm saying is, a lot of men would date a 25 yr old but not an 18 yr old because let's be honest, 18 is really young and a lot of men who would date a barely legal girl would probably fantasize about going even younger.

I still believe that the vast majority of 40-50 year old guys wouldn't "date" an 18 year old. I think they would be after the sex they can get and nothing more. It fulfills all their fantasies and if you offer them sex, they will most definitely take it.

[itsallgrand]

Some people have to learn the hard way. You are old enough to be responsible for your choices now. It won't be a Lolita situation - you are too old. It'll just be your standard tale of a woman who finds herself 'falling into bed' with an older man who she has idealized.

 

You can't have an equal partnership with a man in his forties. People like to make everything relative, but it's not. Some things are what they are no matter how you romanize them.

 

Like cap said. Of course they'd be in it for the sex.

[SkyBlue98]

Some people have to learn the hard way. You are old enough to be responsible for your choices now. It won't be a Lolita situation - you are too old. It'll just be your standard tale of a woman who finds herself 'falling into bed' with an older man who she has idealized.

 

You can't have an equal partnership with a man in his forties. People like to make everything relative, but it's not. Some things are what they are no matter how you romanize them.

 

Like cap said. Of course they'd be in it for the sex.

 

That's what I'm saying- and it's worse because it's not just about sex, but I think a lot of them like "forbidden" or "barely legal" and I don't think those guys are good catches.

[Fudgie]

I'm curious... Not saying I'm going to do what you did, but where did you meet those older people when you were 18?

I met them through dating sites. I had one relationship about a year long, the other lasted almost 3.

 

There are many creepy guys out there but I am not a very sex-focused person and I found that I had a good amount in common with many guys.

[itsallgrand]

That's what I'm saying- and it's worse because it's not just about sex, but I think a lot of them like "forbidden" or "barely legal" and I don't think those guys are good catches.

 

You like older exclusively. So that's the other side to that - that they'll want 'em young.

 

Do you consider yourself a good catch as an 18 year old with a fetish for 40+.?

 

I find it sad, to be brutally honest.

[SkyBlue98]

You like older exclusively. So that's the other side to that - that they'll want 'em young.

 

Do you consider yourself a good catch as an 18 year old with a fetish for 40+.?

 

I find it sad, to be brutally honest.

 

It's not a fetish, and I don't have to explain myself to you. I wouldn't discount a guy my age, just haven't met one I connect to yet, whereas I've seen more potential with older guys that's all.

 

And hell yeah I'm a good catch

[JaggerJim]

It's not a fetish, and I don't have to explain myself to you. I wouldn't discount a guy my age, just haven't met one I connect to yet, whereas I've seen more potential with older guys that's all.

 

And hell yeah I'm a good catch

 

You do not have a connection to older guys, because you lack dating experience with guys at any age. Start with a guy who's 25 as I said before, get some experience and then go higher as you get older. You can't expect a 40-50 year old to "get you" when all they will see is an opportunity to get laid.

 

You lack experience sorry.

[Fudgie]

BTW, the older guys I dated had all had previous relationships with women their own age. I wouldn't have gone for someone who sought to fetishize me. The relationships I had were pretty good, we had good times and great conversations and memories that I'll remember fondly.

[SkyBlue98]

You do not have a connection to older guys, because you lack dating experience with guys at any age. Start with a guy who's 25 as I said before, get some experience and then go higher as you get older. You can't expect a 40-50 year old to "get you" when all they will see is an opportunity to get laid.

 

You lack experience sorry.

 

Lol I said I saw potential with older guys, not had a connection with anyone yet. You were just telling me to go with a guy who was in his 40s and basically to accept that I'm nothing but a sex object. Excuse me for not putting a whole lot of stock in your advice now