yeahyeahyeah Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 My ex GF keeps on offering friendship after dumping me. My ex ex GF before her, did the same thing. My current ex I have told her no, and I have nothing against women at all, but many seem to think its ok to remain as friends as some sort of consolation. I am worried if I say yes, its going to end up how it did with my ex before her. When I tried friendship with my ex ex GF, I always wanted more - I remember once we met up, she was in town after a long time, and she told me over dinner 'Oh you never guess what, I have met this guy and I am absolutely in love with him'. My heart sank, and I fell into depression for a very long time, becoming resentful towards her. I don't want to go through the same thing again. With my current ex GF, one of the biggest reasons why I have said no was because her grounds for breaking up with me were based on my personality flaws. She would complain that I am not trustworth, dishonest, unreliable and god knows what else.My response to that was 'why do you want to be friends with a person like that?' Her response is that she is hurt that I can say such a thing. I have told her several times that I DO NOT want to be friends with her, and will only consider a reconciliation of the relationship but she keeps on persisting with the issue. Am I doing the right thing? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 Unfortunately by accepting friendzoning you become a male girlfriend and will hear stuff like this 6690502]she told me over dinner 'Oh you never guess what, I have met this guy and I am absolutely in love with him' Link to comment
DancingFool Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 Yes you absolutely are doing the right thing by saying no to being "friends" with an ex. You've already learned the hard way why staying in touch with them is an awful idea. Having said that, the dumper offering to be friends is not a woman or man thing. Both genders do this for various reasons. More often that not, it's a let you down gently type line. They don't actually mean it or expect you to accept it and if you do, proceed at your own risk so to speak. Sometimes they'll insist on friendship as a way to wean themselves slowly off your relationship. In other words they want to keep you around as a security blanket in case the single life doesn't pan out as envisioned. Sometimes it's because they really do want to keep the friendship benefits without the relationship benefits. Ultimately, it doesn't really matter why they say it or ask for it. What matters is that the end result will almost invariably be as you have already experienced - one day you'll be sitting listening to them gush about their new flame......'cause that's what friends do.... The other part of it that most people will not date someone who is pulling a trainload of ex's turned friends behind them. It reeks of unresolved issues, poor boundaries, inability to let go of the past, etc., and healthy people looking for healthy relationship will walk away fast from all the potential drama this kind of stuff signals. An ex is a person who is no longer a part of your life and should stay firmly in the past. Link to comment
yeahyeahyeah Posted November 15, 2016 Author Share Posted November 15, 2016 Unfortunately by accepting friendzoning you become a male girlfriend and will hear stuff like this I remember when I heard that right, then kicked up a fuss, ex GF just ended up telling me 'why are you upset, don't you want me to be happy' It was the worse crap ever, since she was making it sound like I had no justification to do that. Almost like she had forgotten that we had dated. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 In a word YES She is being selfish wanting you around to lesson her loneliness why she looks for your replacement. You are right that if you were such a bad person why would she want to be friends with you. Go total NC Lost Link to comment
yeahyeahyeah Posted November 15, 2016 Author Share Posted November 15, 2016 In a word YES She is being selfish wanting you around to lesson her loneliness why she looks for your replacement. You are right that if you were such a bad person why would she want to be friends with you. Go total NC Lost Ironically, she accuses me of being selfish for not settling for friendship. My current ex gf reason: We have been together for so long, and spent so much time with each other, why can't we be friends, I care for you as a friend. It's really twisted. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 Agree it's convoluted logic to give her a win-win outcome. Why can't an oil filter be a pair of socks? Because it just doesn't work, it's 2 different things..My current ex gf reason: We have been together for so long, and spent so much time with each other, why can't we be friends, I care for you as a friend. It's really twisted. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 I can't imagine telling anyone that the person who dumped me, is now my "friend." Choose wisely... Link to comment
moodindigo91 Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 She would complain that I am not trustworth, dishonest, unreliable and god knows what else. Well, are you all of those things? Anyway, it's probably best to cut ties. I'm trying to be friends with my ex and it seems to be failing miserably more often than it works out. You'll get along much better in the future and you'll heal much better in the present if you go no contact at least for a few months. Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 only consider a reconciliation - Umm.. No. You remove yourself from your ex's life.. work on your accepting & healing now. Can NOT be friends with an ex.. unless or until those FEELINGS are gone. And by that point, you may not care anymore... Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 If someone called me all those things and then wanted to be "friends" I would tell them to go pound sand! What would you get out of this friendship anyways? More heartbreak? Be used as an emotional tampon? Maybe even set her up with some of your friends? Best man at her wedding? Tell her to get lost and not contact you again. You may not see this now but she did you a huge favor by dumping you, what a piece of work she is! Lost Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 Tell her to go shove off. She didn't think you were a great boyfriend, so friendship? FORGET IT!!!!! Link to comment
yeahyeahyeah Posted November 15, 2016 Author Share Posted November 15, 2016 Well, are you all of those things? Would you be friends with someone if they were, that should answer your question right there. She has blown it out of proportion. Anyway, it's probably best to cut ties. I'm trying to be friends with my ex and it seems to be failing miserably more often than it works out. You'll get along much better in the future and you'll heal much better in the present if you go no contact at least for a few months. I have told her this, I can't do it again. Link to comment
moodindigo91 Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 Yeah, I figured she's blown it out of proportion, that's pretty typical. Here's the thing, you don't have to tell her anything now. You don't want to be her friend, it won't work out. Just cut ties, block her number, block her on social media and that's it. Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 Ironically, she accuses me of being selfish for not settling for friendship. My current ex gf reason: We have been together for so long, and spent so much time with each other, why can't we be friends, I care for you as a friend. It's really twisted. Step one. Stop caring what she thinks. Link to comment
yeahyeahyeah Posted November 15, 2016 Author Share Posted November 15, 2016 If someone called me all those things and then wanted to be "friends" I would tell them to go pound sand! What would you get out of this friendship anyways? More heartbreak? Be used as an emotional tampon? Maybe even set her up with some of your friends? Best man at her wedding? Tell her to get lost and not contact you again. You may not see this now but she did you a huge favor by dumping you, what a piece of work she is! Lost I hope you are right, online dating doesn't seem to going well for me (how I met her) - loads of girls are initially interested then lose interest when we start chatting. It's like I have forgotten how to set up dates anymore. I remember how back when I met her, I used to have a 99% success rate on getting a first date Link to comment
yeahyeahyeah Posted November 15, 2016 Author Share Posted November 15, 2016 Step one. Stop caring what she thinks. Finding it hard - was with her for over a year. We met each other families, it was getting serious. Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 Ha! Serious is when you have a mortgage, 2 car payments, a sick child and a dog. Dude. In all seriousness..... She is stepping all over your feelings and telling you to accept it and telling you that you are wrong for not. Plus, look at the negative attributes she has said about you. If she really feels that way about you but thinks you are friend material, then that doesn't say much about her own personal judgement. Link to comment
yeahyeahyeah Posted November 15, 2016 Author Share Posted November 15, 2016 Ha! Serious is when you have a mortgage, 2 car payments, a sick child and a dog. Dude. In all seriousness..... She is stepping all over your feelings and telling you to accept it and telling you that you are wrong for not. Plus, looks at the negative attributes she has said about you. If she really feels that way about you but thinks you are friend material, then that doesn't say much about her own personal judgement. I know you are right, but I love the girl, and there is a part of me thinking she doesn't mean half of this and is saying it because she is mad. Link to comment
Edmund Exley Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 I know you are right, but I love the girl, and there is a part of me thinking she doesn't mean half of this and is saying it because she is mad. Thats hope messing with you. She means it. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 I feel bad for you. Your feelings are influencing standing by and waiting, wishing and hoping to get back on her merry-go-round.she accuses me of being selfish for not settling for friendship ] Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 Ironically, she accuses me of being selfish for not settling for friendship. My current ex gf reason: We have been together for so long, and spent so much time with each other, why can't we be friends, I care for you as a friend. It's really twisted. When someone tells you you're being selfish, they're telling you "You're not doing what I want you to do!" Take another look, and see who's really being selfish here... Clue: it's not you! Link to comment
pippy longstocking Posted November 15, 2016 Share Posted November 15, 2016 Yes of course you are doing the right thing ...don't give it a second thought .. Link to comment
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