GF wants to remain as friends, I don't

[Waraqqa]

I understand that going out with someone new would help you get over your ex, and also generally help your self-esteem and feel better about yourself, and like you are moving on. Those are natural feelings - if it's any consolation, I feel like that right now. However, are you sure that you are ready to date again so intensively? Sometimes the more desperately we want something, the harder we try, the more it escapes, as the desperation makes us overly self-conscious. I'm not saying you should not date at all or stone-wall all women, but perhaps lighten up about it a bit? Get yourself into the mindset where you Allow these things into your life, where you Invite them, rather than running after them too much.

 

As for the ex, I likewise understand. Most of my life, I've been the kind of person who stayed friends with most of my exes. I think it was probably mainly because the break-ups tended to be mutual, or me breaking it up, or situational (such as one of us moving far away). The last break-up was harder, because my ex's feelings changed, and also even prior to that I was too attached and too attracted to him, and got really used to seeing him through the potential "future partner" lenses. And the physical part of it felt much stronger. So now that he wants to be friends, I'm not so sure it's healthy for me.

 

I don't agree with those who boycott ALL friendships with exes on principle - I think it really depends on the situation and only you know how you feel. But like you, now I also feel that in this particular case it would not be healthy for me - it would only keep me stuck in some unrealistic hope and continue to feel the feelings that have no future, preventing me from moving on and living my life and being myself. If that's how you feel now, then of course you shouldn't be friends with her and did the right thing by saying no.

 

I can also imagine the additional negative impact on your self-esteem by breaking no contact and telling her you miss her. I've done that, too. But all you can do is pick yourself up and resolve to be self-loving and do what's right and healthy for You from now on, from this moment. Don't worry about what anyone thinks - neither your ex, nor any of the women you recently went out with. We all have our good and not-so-good days and patches. And the vulnerable self-conscious state of mind after a recent break-up does not help. So, just be patient with yourself and focus on Yourself for some time. If anyone comes into your life, welcome it if it feels right. If not, give yourself time before hunting intensively. You can rebuild yourself and be your same awesome self that you used to be in your best moments - or even better.

[yeahyeahyeah]

I understand that going out with someone new would help you get over your ex, and also generally help your self-esteem and feel better about yourself, and like you are moving on. Those are natural feelings - if it's any consolation, I feel like that right now. However, are you sure that you are ready to date again so intensively? Sometimes the more desperately we want something, the harder we try, the more it escapes, as the desperation makes us overly self-conscious. I'm not saying you should not date at all or stone-wall all women, but perhaps lighten up about it a bit? Get yourself into the mindset where you Allow these things into your life, where you Invite them, rather than running after them too much.

 

I am open to the idea of 'seeing' a new girl over a period of weeks/months. You are right, I am not interested in the idea of dating someone intensely for the reason that you have mentioned, if things escalate with a woman, I would make her aware of that.

 

However, the problem is, and I really realised this last night, I didn't realise how emotionally vulnerable I am. In contrast with the date a week before, this one actually went negatively, and I turned into an absolute wreck in the process. I have slept all day today, as a way to deal with the pain from the rejection, from not only her, but my ex GF. It is stinging me. My ego is bruised, and I am generally low on confidence now.

 

As for the ex, I likewise understand. Most of my life, I've been the kind of person who stayed friends with most of my exes. I think it was probably mainly because the break-ups tended to be mutual, or me breaking it up, or situational (such as one of us moving far away). The last break-up was harder, because my ex's feelings changed, and also even prior to that I was too attached and too attracted to him, and got really used to seeing him through the potential "future partner" lenses. And the physical part of it felt much stronger. So now that he wants to be friends, I'm not so sure it's healthy for me.

 

I don't agree with those who boycott ALL friendships with exes on principle - I think it really depends on the situation and only you know how you feel. But like you, now I also feel that in this particular case it would not be healthy for me - it would only keep me stuck in some unrealistic hope and continue to feel the feelings that have no future, preventing me from moving on and living my life and being myself. If that's how you feel now, then of course you shouldn't be friends with her and did the right thing by saying no.

 

I can also imagine the additional negative impact on your self-esteem by breaking no contact and telling her you miss her. I've done that, too. But all you can do is pick yourself up and resolve to be self-loving and do what's right and healthy for You from now on, from this moment. Don't worry about what anyone thinks - neither your ex, nor any of the women you recently went out with. We all have our good and not-so-good days and patches. And the vulnerable self-conscious state of mind after a recent break-up does not help. So, just be patient with yourself and focus on Yourself for some time. If anyone comes into your life, welcome it if it feels right. If not, give yourself time before hunting intensively. You can rebuild yourself and be your same awesome self that you used to be in your best moments - or even better.

 

I am highlighting the point in bold, this is what I am trying to do. But it seems as though right now that the more I try to ignore the psychological pain, taking pro active steps to get over it (such as meeting new women), when things go wrong that is where it surfaces then fall into deep depression.

 

I am going to ease off to be honest, right now my mindset is completely wrong, I feel as though everyone is out there to hurt me so extra sensitive to negative comments. I also feel a bit directionless right now, before meeting my ex I knew what I wanted out of life, now I don't.

[Waraqqa]

I can totally understand - if it's any consolation, the way I feel right now is extremely similar.

 

I have days - or more like portions of days - when I'm almost completely fine. And then others when quite suddenly various stuff comes over and is torturous. I was ok for a couple of days. Then last night I cried for two hours because of missing him. Some small triggers remind you of stuff, you know? I slept badly tonight because sometimes negative feelings creep into my sleep. Then when jogging I was feeling frustrated and feeling angry and "losery" that I let myself get so into him and so attached only to be rejected afterwards. I feel so inadequate for not having stepped out of this ages ago when my intuition was telling me to. At least that way he would've remembered me as someone he wanted.

Now in the evening, it's just weird anxiety and pain that has no name - I don't even know what it's called, just like a knife in the stomach.

 

Sometimes I also try really hard to just stuff all this and go on with routine and work and everything I must do. If I stuff it too much, then indeed it sort of explodes out at some point. So I try to release it in bits. E.g. I try to keep myself together in the office (sometimes go out for a fag or cry in the toilet though); but if a wave of grief comes over at home, I don't hold it back too much in the privacy of my room. Then I try to master myself again... It is hard, man, what can I tell you.

 

I also tried to go out on some dates - and even when my self-esteem is in-check, I find myself comparing the person to my ex, and they don't win. Besides, it takes TIME to cultivate anything meaningful.

 

I'm not trying to complain too much here and don't want to hijack your thread - but just so you know, you are not alone, and you are not crazy. Dang, I hope we feel better soon!

[yeahyeahyeah]

I can totally understand - if it's any consolation, the way I feel right now is extremely similar.

 

I have days - or more like portions of days - when I'm almost completely fine. And then others when quite suddenly various stuff comes over and is torturous. I was ok for a couple of days. Then last night I cried for two hours because of missing him. Some small triggers remind you of stuff, you know? I slept badly tonight because sometimes negative feelings creep into my sleep. Then when jogging I was feeling frustrated and feeling angry and "losery" that I let myself get so into him and so attached only to be rejected afterwards. I feel so inadequate for not having stepped out of this ages ago when my intuition was telling me to. At least that way he would've remembered me as someone he wanted.

Now in the evening, it's just weird anxiety and pain that has no name - I don't even know what it's called, just like a knife in the stomach.

 

Sometimes I also try really hard to just stuff all this and go on with routine and work and everything I must do. If I stuff it too much, then indeed it sort of explodes out at some point. So I try to release it in bits. E.g. I try to keep myself together in the office (sometimes go out for a fag or cry in the toilet though); but if a wave of grief comes over at home, I don't hold it back too much in the privacy of my room. Then I try to master myself again... It is hard, man, what can I tell you.

 

I also tried to go out on some dates - and even when my self-esteem is in-check, I find myself comparing the person to my ex, and they don't win. Besides, it takes TIME to cultivate anything meaningful.

 

I'm not trying to complain too much here and don't want to hijack your thread - but just so you know, you are not alone, and you are not crazy. Dang, I hope we feel better soon!

 

Weird, looks like we are going through the same motions mentally. Like you, having days when I am fine, then BANG, I start grieving over my ex. 1st date I went on, nice girl, but I found myself at the end of the night comparing her to my ex. Second date, not a nice girl - well you saw what happened there.

 

I just REALLY wish I can snap out of it, but it doesn't work when I forcefully try to.

[Waraqqa]

How long has it been since you officially broke up for good?

[Brotherhood67]

Man, I have a question for you :

 

Why do you focus so much of your time and energy on dating when you're obviously weakened by this break-up ? What's the problem with being alone for a while ?

 

You know, most of the great battles in history went through the "Major defeat - Retreat - Reinforcement - Major Victory" cycle.

 

Give yourself a break !

[yeahyeahyeah]

Man, I have a question for you :

 

Why do you focus so much of your time and energy on dating when you're obviously weakened by this break-up ? What's the problem with being alone for a while ?

 

You know, most of the great battles in history went through the "Major defeat - Retreat - Reinforcement - Major Victory" cycle.

 

Give yourself a break !

 

I basically thought that by going on dates and 'seeing' new girls will help with the healing process since it will help me feel less lonely.

 

With that said, you are right, after the last date, the rejection hurts x3. I had a bit of a meltdown this weekend following it.

[yeahyeahyeah]

How long has it been since you officially broke up for good?

 

Since the start of November, so a month.

[Waraqqa]

Since the start of November, so a month.

 

For me, it was since mid-October.

Sometimes I think it's not only that something ends, but how it ends. It's not the other person's rejection per se, but how we feel about ourselves. That's what I notice with me. Of course, I miss him tremendously. But in the past, in functional relationships that ended on a good note, if I didn't have a reason to feel bad about myself, that sadness and missing were of a more positive colouring - painful, but in an almost sweet way. There was some sweetness in that.

Now, in contrast, there are so many little things I regret here and there that his rejection makes me feel inadequate about Myself - and I don't quite feel like myself; certainly not my best self I want to be. And as if I can't redeem myself anymore and somewhat stuck in that negative identity box.

I may be wrong, but I think this is where our difficulties may be coming from. What do you think?

[yeahyeahyeah]

For me, it was since mid-October.

Sometimes I think it's not only that something ends, but how it ends. It's not the other person's rejection per se, but how we feel about ourselves. That's what I notice with me. Of course, I miss him tremendously. But in the past, in functional relationships that ended on a good note, if I didn't have a reason to feel bad about myself, that sadness and missing were of a more positive colouring - painful, but in an almost sweet way. There was some sweetness in that.

Now, in contrast, there are so many little things I regret here and there that his rejection makes me feel inadequate about Myself - and I don't quite feel like myself; certainly not my best self I want to be. And as if I can't redeem myself anymore and somewhat stuck in that negative identity box.

I may be wrong, but I think this is where our difficulties may be coming from. What do you think?

 

I think that in my case it is stemming from uncertainty of the future. Not knowing if I would find someone who I am completely compatible with is making me nervous. Also, I grew to love my ex, I have written about her negative side, but she could be warm, sincere and very kind. So when I meet idiots like my last date I went on, I start to lose faith in meeting someone decent then fall into the cycle of thinking that my ex was not as bad as I made her out to be.

[yeahyeahyeah]

I think that in my case it is stemming from uncertainty of the future. Not knowing if I would find someone who I am completely compatible with is making me nervous. Also, I grew to love my ex, I have written about her negative side, but she could be warm, sincere and very kind. So when I meet idiots like my last date I went on, I start to lose faith in meeting someone decent then fall into the cycle of thinking that my ex was not as bad as I made her out to be.

 

Finished work for the day, I feel literally very dead inside. The loneliness is unbearable at times.

[Waraqqa]

Finished work for the day, I feel literally very dead inside. The loneliness is unbearable at times.

 

I know the feeling. I'm a little less lonely now as sharing an accommodation (before, I had my own flat which was awesome but made the said loneliness more difficult).

I likewise at times experience concern for the future. when I do, and when I remember the best and warmest moments with my ex and how he professed his former feelings for me, I don't know how I'd believe that in anyone else after this. And it is not frequent that one meets someone compatible. On the other hand, hopefully when we'll recover and be ok, we'll naturally bring our best forward and naturally attract the best that the Universe has in store for each of us. I hope so. Aside from that I try not to overthink it.

[yeahyeahyeah]

I know the feeling. I'm a little less lonely now as sharing an accommodation (before, I had my own flat which was awesome but made the said loneliness more difficult).

I likewise at times experience concern for the future. when I do, and when I remember the best and warmest moments with my ex and how he professed his former feelings for me, I don't know how I'd believe that in anyone else after this. And it is not frequent that one meets someone compatible. On the other hand, hopefully when we'll recover and be ok, we'll naturally bring our best forward and naturally attract the best that the Universe has in store for each of us. I hope so. Aside from that I try not to overthink it.

 

The feeling that I have lost control of my relationship is what kills me. I still remember when my ex was head over heels with me, and she would do literally anything to make me happy. Now, in contrast, she no longer responds to my messages.

 

Dating has gone quite dry as well. Not talking to anyone new right now. The last girl I was contact with on Sunday stopped responding after a while.

[Waraqqa]

I can relate to your feeling, I also felt like I was out of control. And the contrast of how he was head over heels with me when we were together as opposed to the recent couple of months, and when we were "breaking up" his words how those preceding couple of months were unpleasant and how "things started going sour", it is extremely painful to remember.

 

I feel like I'm not the same person I used to be before I met him. But nor can I be this person I was with him. I have to become someone else again.

 

Do you have family or friends to reach out to? Either to talk about it, or if not then at least to spend time with?

 

I have a few, but I'm isolated in another country, and my job is solitary as well. So, it's been hard.

 

Forgiveness is important. It helped me to have apologised - not a kind of apology with the hope of being taken back, but the parting apology to acknowledge what I had done wrong and hurtful to him.

 

But it's hard to not contact. He's still open to being friends, but I can't talk adequately - I get sucked into a pattern of hoping and waiting for his messages, and becoming needy, which was one of the things that contributed to the demise. So, I'm trying to stop.

[yeahyeahyeah]

I can relate to your feeling, I also felt like I was out of control. And the contrast of how he was head over heels with me when we were together as opposed to the recent couple of months, and when we were "breaking up" his words how those preceding couple of months were unpleasant and how "things started going sour", it is extremely painful to remember.

 

I feel like I'm not the same person I used to be before I met him. But nor can I be this person I was with him. I have to become someone else again.

 

Do you have family or friends to reach out to? Either to talk about it, or if not then at least to spend time with?

 

I have a few, but I'm isolated in another country, and my job is solitary as well. So, it's been hard.

 

All of my friends and family know and are generally supportive - more to the point it is my birthday next week and my friends are asking me what I am doing for it. I am too down and depressed over the break up to do anything. I have become withdrawn - any alone time I have, I keep to myself. I find it a lot more comforting. The support is great, but it does not bring my ex back.

 

Forgiveness is important. It helped me to have apologised - not a kind of apology with the hope of being taken back, but the parting apology to acknowledge what I had done wrong and hurtful to him.

 

But it's hard to not contact. He's still open to being friends, but I can't talk adequately - I get sucked into a pattern of hoping and waiting for his messages, and becoming needy, which was one of the things that contributed to the demise. So, I'm trying to stop.

 

I think for me it's bothering me how she has dropped me like a hot potatoe. She now literally acts like I don't exist, and it is hard to stomach given that I spent over a year of my life with her. I am so upset that I seem to care more about the break up then her. It is also not helping that I am not having any luck when meeting new women.

 

Like you ex, she wanted to just be friends, but I frankly found that insulting given that she has effectively rejected me selfishly by ending the relationship knowing full well that I was really into her.

[yeahyeahyeah]

All of my friends and family know and are generally supportive - more to the point it is my birthday next week and my friends are asking me what I am doing for it. I am too down and depressed over the break up to do anything. I have become withdrawn - any alone time I have, I keep to myself. I find it a lot more comforting. The support is great, but it does not bring my ex back.

 

 

 

I think for me it's bothering me how she has dropped me like a hot potatoe. She now literally acts like I don't exist, and it is hard to stomach given that I spent over a year of my life with her. I am so upset that I seem to care more about the break up then her. It is also not helping that I am not having any luck when meeting new women.

 

Like you ex, she wanted to just be friends, but I frankly found that insulting given that she has effectively rejected me selfishly by ending the relationship knowing full well that I was really into her.

 

Struggling with my job role at the mo, I am in a managerial position but finding it extremely hard to do it confidently. Confidence has been knocked to 6, and I find that these days people I am managing are getting a lot more leway with me since I am sensitive towards rocking the boat and negativity.

[cdtsilva]

All the support, but the topic comes back from friends and once again what was forgotten comes back to life.

I guess the festive season must be a real PITA as well... I'm trying to cope with that just now.

 

Does your company offer some training courses? Mine does and they help to raise the spirit a bit and get new skills to deal with everyday issues.

[katrina1980]

 

Why can't an oil filter be a pair of socks?

 

LOL, I always wondered that too. Thnx for the funny WM..

 

Seriously though ..... OP don't let her manipulate you.

 

She wants to be friends cause she likes your attention, knowing you are still "there" and into her.

 

It is selfish, self-serving, twisted, manipulative.

 

I know this cuz I have been *that* girl (not easy to admit that But I grew up and since learned how wrong it is, selfish, manipulative.

 

Do not allow her to flip it back on you or make you feel guilty.

 

Tell her you have no interest in being "friends", period, end of!

 

Then block, delete. From everything, phone, email, social media.

 

Do not allow her any access to you whatsoever. Stay strong!

 

In a word, NEXT.

 

ETA: Apologies, guess I am a bit late to this thread. Lots of great advice.

 

Hang in OP, I have been through the wringer myself, recovered and am stronger for it.

 

Time heals.

[yeahyeahyeah]

LOL, I always wondered that too. Thnx for the funny WM..

 

Seriously though ..... OP don't let her manipulate you.

 

She wants to be friends cause she likes your attention, knowing you are still "there" and into her.

 

It is selfish, self-serving, twisted, manipulative.

 

I know this cuz I have been *that* girl (not easy to admit that But I grew up and since learned how wrong it is, selfish, manipulative.

 

Do not allow her to flip it back on you or make you feel guilty.

 

Tell her you have no interest in being "friends", period, end of!

 

Then block, delete. From everything, phone, email, social media.

 

Do not allow her any access to you whatsoever. Stay strong!

 

In a word, NEXT.

 

ETA: Apologies, guess I am a bit late to this thread. Lots of great advice.

 

Hang in OP, I have been through the wringer myself, recovered and am stronger for it.

 

Time heals.

 

The crazy thing is that I honestly think she thinks she is not being selfish. I heard from a friend that she told him that she offered friendship but I didn't accept, basically making it out like she was doing me a favour and I am the bad one for not accepting.

 

Anyway, she is not talking to me anymore, a week ago I told her that I missed her, she has 'seen' it and has not responded. I can see from her FB activity that she is very active so is deliberately ignoring me.

[yeahyeahyeah]

Birthday next week, all of my friends can't make it to celebrate it. Just feel really let down right now. Can't wait until 2017, fresh canvas.

[yeahyeahyeah]

Birthday today, ex wished me a happy birthday. Not sure how to respond.

[katara42]

Birthday today, ex wished me a happy birthday. Not sure how to respond.

Happy birthday! You don't need to respond til it feels right. Have a good one

[Wiseman2]

Happy birthday.

 

Respond with two words. "Thank you" That 's it.

Birthday today, ex wished me a happy birthday. Not sure how to respond.

[yeahyeahyeah]

Hey all,

 

An update, I am not in a good state mentally.

 

- Resumed online dating in the new year, and I am having no luck. Being ignored by women etc, if a girl does respond to a message, it often then leads to her ignoring me - knocks my confidence, since it was only recently I did not have to worry about doing this.

- My ex GF is ignoring me, I broke NC a couple of times telling her that I missed her, but she is not having any of it. She is now deleting pictures of us together from her Facebook profile. It is painful to see.

 

I am just feeling extremely lonely, and low in confidence right now. I also feel as though given my circumstances, age (31), rebuilding my career, living at home, I will spend a long time single.

[HeartGoesOn]

Birthday today, ex wished me a happy birthday. Not sure how to respond.

 

Answer...Silence.

 

Happy Belated Birthday!