GF wants to remain as friends, I don't

[offthegrid]

Hey all,

 

An update, I am not in a good state mentally.

 

- Resumed online dating in the new year, and I am having no luck. Being ignored by women etc, if a girl does respond to a message, it often then leads to her ignoring me - knocks my confidence, since it was only recently I did not have to worry about doing this.

- My ex GF is ignoring me, I broke NC a couple of times telling her that I missed her, but she is not having any of it. She is now deleting pictures of us together from her Facebook profile. It is painful to see.

 

I am just feeling extremely lonely, and low in confidence right now. I also feel as though given my circumstances, age (31), rebuilding my career, living at home, I will spend a long time single.

 

Online dating sucks for men. That's just how it is. Women get bombarded with messages, so they respond less. I mean, by all means keep your profile and keep sending out messages but you should put more of your focus into real life interactions (bars, friends of friends, etc). In these scenarios, you have the advantage of charm, tone of voice, real life chemistry, etc. And the more you do this, the better your social skills will be, which is always good.

 

And don't get yourself too down about your living situation. Definitely make it your focus and improve it, but you don't have to advertise it to the people you talk to. I'm not telling you to lie, but when the topic comes up, there are ways to finesse your situation so that it seems more transient.

[yeahyeahyeah]

Online dating sucks for men. That's just how it is. Women get bombarded with messages, so they respond less. I mean, by all means keep your profile and keep sending out messages but you should put more of your focus into real life interactions (bars, friends of friends, etc). In these scenarios, you have the advantage of charm, tone of voice, real life chemistry, etc. And the more you do this, the better your social skills will be, which is always good.

 

Funny that you mention that, shortly after I wrote my post, a girl liked my profile and started chatting to me. The problem that I have is that whenever I am in these situations, as silly as it sounds, I do not know how to keep her attention without the conversation frizzling it out from coming across as boring. I start of strong, then after 2 - 3 messages she goes cold. Typical conversation would be:

 

'Hey, just thought I'd send a quick message and say 'hi''

her: thanks blah bla blah, how are you?

me: I am going great, did x and y thing, what about you?

her: bla bla bla

 

then what?

 

Women definently have the upper hand though, whenever I send messages to girls I get no response UNLESS they initiate contact first or find me attractive and are then receptive. This can be frustrating because more often then not, they are women I am not attracted to.

 

I really hate dating to be honest, it is tiring and feel like I have no real control of it. My social life sucks at the moment, I have no idea how to make new friends etc, everyone around my age have long term partners and are married.

 

And don't get yourself too down about your living situation. Definitely make it your focus and improve it, but you don't have to advertise it to the people you talk to. I'm not telling you to lie, but when the topic comes up, there are ways to finesse your situation so that it seems more transient.

 

I am trying, I need to first get a better paid job, bank only lends x4 of your salary for a mortgage and save a lot of money up for a deposit. I am 1k in debt right now, and will have to clear that first - 1 or 2 pay checks then save. If the topic comes up surrounding my living conditions, what should I say?

 

Thanks

[offthegrid]

1k of debt isn't bad. I haven't read the whole thread. Are you against apartments/renting? You could always just say that you're saving for a home. Honestly, if I were in your situation, I would probably just lie and say that I'm helping my sick mother temporarily or that I just moved back to the state. I'm not exactly a good role model, though.

 

As far as the online conversations, you'd probably be better off avoiding vague messages like "how are you" and talking about more specific details in their profile. Something interesting in their pictures, something they said they were interested in, something YOU want to know about them or talk to them about. That should be your approach with all of your messages, really. Women get tons of "hey, what's up?" messages, you need to catch their interest and show that you've noticed something about them. Also, the goal should be to see them in person as soon as possible. Don't dwell too much in messages after the initial few.

 

As far as your social situation, have you tried something like meetup.com? I've never used it, but it seems useful. There are singles meetups, meetups geared toward specific interests, etc.

[yeahyeahyeah]

1k of debt isn't bad. I haven't read the whole thread. Are you against apartments/renting? You could always just say that you're saving for a home. Honestly, if I were in your situation, I would probably just lie and say that I'm helping my sick mother temporarily or that I just moved back to the state. I'm not exactly a good role model, though.

 

I am not against renting, the trouble is if you rent in London you can't save money towards a deposit for a Mortgage. You need at the v minimum about 20k saved up. I have not completely ruled it out if I was dating the right person - this was something I was serious considering doing when dating my ex GF.

 

If you are working in finance (which I am not) and are earning crazy money, say 5k a month which is about 100k a year, you can rent and save easy. Have a friend doing this.

 

As far as the online conversations, you'd probably be better off avoiding vague messages like "how are you" and talking about more specific details in their profile. Something interesting in their pictures, something they said they were interested in, something YOU want to know about them or talk to them about. That should be your approach with all of your messages, really. Women get tons of "hey, what's up?" messages, you need to catch their interest and show that you've noticed something about them. Also, the goal should be to see them in person as soon as possible. Don't dwell too much in messages after the initial few.

 

How many messages should I send before asking the girl out on a date?

 

I have tried quite a few openers, the following do not work for me:

 

'hey, nice to meet you, how has your weekend been?'

 

Never works

 

'hey, happy new year! Did you spend it in with family and friends?'

 

Not worked

 

"Hey, nice to meet you. How has your week been shaping up - busy Christmas period?

 

That worked with one girl

 

'hey, don't know why but you look like you are from , where are you from?'

 

Didn't work

 

'hey, just wanted to say you are the most beautiful girl I have seen on here'

 

Didn't work at all - expected it.

 

God, so frustrating honestly. Should you compliment a girl's looks? I just feel as though I can't be myself on these dating apps by second guessing myself after sending a message. The worst is when you are chatting to her , and then she ends up going cold.

 

As far as your social situation, have you tried something like meetup.com? I've never used it, but it seems useful. There are singles meetups, meetups geared toward specific interests, etc.

 

Yes, but they are event based, so you often do not see the same person again twice making it hard to form anything meaningful.

[offthegrid]

From a man's perspective, online dating lends itself toward being a bit more ballsy and less formal than you would normally have to be. I'm not telling you to be explicitly rude, but feel free to lessen the formalities. Cut the "hey"s and the well wishes. They get enough of that. That market is saturated. In online dating, it bores them. Get right to what you want to talk about. Keep it short, but make it interesting and specific. It doesn't always have to be a question. You can simply make statements about what you've read or seen on their profile. After that, mixed with the right combination of charm and bravado, you can take any subject as far as you want.

 

After the initial few messages, if the chemistry feels right, do the following: tell her you're going to an event and say something along the lines of "you should come." The less question marks, the more casual you keep it, the better.

 

Regarding the event-based conundrum of meetup.com, why not ask for numbers at those events? It's really up to you to make it meaningful.

[yeahyeahyeah]

From a man's perspective, online dating lends itself toward being a bit more ballsy and less formal than you would normally have to be. I'm not telling you to be explicitly rude, but feel free to lessen the formalities. Cut the "hey"s and the well wishes. They get enough of that. That market is saturated. In online dating, it bores them. Get right to what you want to talk about. Keep it short, but make it interesting and specific. It doesn't always have to be a question. You can simply make statements about what you've read or seen on their profile.

 

Can you give me some examples please?

 

After that, mixed with the right combination of charm and bravado, you can take any subject as far as you want.

 

After the initial few messages, if the chemistry feels right, do the following: tell her you're going to an event and say something along the lines of "you should come." The less question marks, the more casual you keep it, the better.

 

Regarding the event-based conundrum of meetup.com, why not ask for numbers at those events? It's really up to you to make it meaningful.

 

thanks

[offthegrid]

I hesitate to give specific examples. Some people like the comfort of lines, I'm more of the school that it's worthwhile to develop the ability to read the situation and act accordingly. Ask yourself, "why did I click on their profile?" Comment on that. It isn't failproof, it doesn't guarantee replies. But for the people who respond it will give you a more intimate and engaged platform.

[yeahyeahyeah]

I hesitate to give specific examples. Some people like the comfort of lines, I'm more of the school that it's worthwhile to develop the ability to read the situation and act accordingly. Ask yourself, "why did I click on their profile?" Comment on that. It isn't failproof, it doesn't guarantee replies. But for the people who respond it will give you a more intimate and engaged platform.

 

I'm talking to a girl online and I've followed your approach, she is starting to open up. I now know that I need to ask her out on a date. She seems like a nice girl, I can feel the click.

 

The problem is that I don't find her attractive based on her photos but because I am feeling lonely I enjoy the attention.

 

I have woken up in the middle of the night posting this, feeling extremely depressed given that lately I am finding that when I do go on dates with women into me it's often with ones that I am not into. My ex on the other hand I was very attracted to off the bat, and I am now reminiscing our relationship.

 

I also don't know why but the less attractive girls seem to have the best personalities from online dating, it seems to be hard to find one that has both a good personality and is attractive / I find many attractive women to be quite rude or lack any real substance.

[yeahyeahyeah]

Online dating has picked up, talking to 5 girls at once, I am however feeling extremely depressed. I am not attracted to any of them , and I am now missing my ex gf.

 

God, feels like I will have to look for a needle in a haystack

[empath]

I agree that wanting to be friends is not sex- or gender-specific. I also don't have the view that all exes must never be contacted again. Perhaps I'm in the minority, but I have contact with some of the people I was romantically involved with. Not the majority, for sure, and cases have been very different.

 

I don't think she's necessarily evil for wanting to be friends. (Who knows -- I don't know her!) You also sound like you've decided, so you should feel totally comfortable with the decision that's right for you -- she certainly has no right to demand it of you. I can't say for sure, but one reason she might want to be friends is that actually she does like you a lot or value many things about you, even if she doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with you. Again, that's not reason for YOU not to do what's right for you, and you seem on the right path. But I don't think everyone necessarily has malicious intentions in this regard, and further, maybe you can take something positive away by recalling that obviously does value you.

[emptyeffort]

just block her everywhere. you cant be friends with her if you still have feelings. if theyre the one who broke up its easy for them. they do not feel anything towards you anymore and they had time to deal with all that before they even broke up while you found out the day it happened.

[Crystal Clear2]

I tried to stay friends. I was dumped. It didn't work because really, he didn't want to be my friend. He thought he was being kind. It absoloutely destroyed me and im still not over him. It just doesn't work because i still have feelings.

Do a clean break. Im 11 days NC and this time is about me healing. His short, unloving texts every now and then were too hurtful. I'm better off now he had the guts to tell me to not contact him. He doesn't deserve my love.