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emptyeffort

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  1. @~seraphim~ onlyfans.com is a site where primarily women will sell sexual photos/videos of themselves. The biggest difference to porn is that you are paying a specific girl to be able to watch her content rather than watching porn on a website or paying for a premium membership on a pornsite. while i do agree it is kinda weird, its not like men do not have preferences even in porn and may watch a certain girl/couple more often than others on a run of the mill website. ultimately it is about how you feel about it and if you feel badly about it talk to your bf.
  2. had the same thing happen to me basically. She was muslim, i am not. we both knew from the beginning it wasnt gonna fly with her parents, since although her dad didnt marry someone of his own country and religion, she had to.. we dated anyway because feelings = irrational.. after 6 months, 2 weeks after summer break (which was 6 weeks) she broke up. being with her family in her country took a huge toll on her and she couldnt keep lying to them. us dating was completely secret. non of our friends or her parents knew.. idk how it was for your BF, but for my ex it was basically, choosing her family and losing me or choosing me and losing her family. its a choice against all odds.
  3. welp, i got my bloodtest results today. turns out my thyroid dysfunction is not even a problem anymore but i got way too high bloodsugar. got meds for both tho. (she said it would make it a little easier to lose weight, so she still gave me thyroid meds) she said if i lose 10-15kg id probably already be fine. she still sent me to get checked out at the diabetologist, and she will check me again in 2 weeks.
  4. ye, treating my condition will not make my life magically amazing but i think and hope it will improve my VERY negative view on life etc and help me be more active. i used to be different and not such a procrastinating slob. nowadays i get overwhelmed unnaturally quickly and doing the easiest stuff "now" is incredibly hard for me. even just making a stupid phone call ill be like: "ye ill do that tmrw". and ill still be looking for another job. but i feel like i can bear it a little better atm, than when i opened the thread.
  5. as said before we now have to work on holidays, too. today was one and we went there FULL TEAM, because they wanted it like that. for 23 fcking calls. 23 fcking calls.. i didnt even get a call lol, partically because i did chat half of the time but there i got 1 customer.. on the one hand its great because we get paid double for doing nothing and watching netflix (watched a whole season final space and some rick and morty), on the other id much rather have the free day to be honest but that is probably because i do not "need" more money and i live a very down low life with not a bunch of idk how to put it. basically i live like i dont have a single cent (day to day) although ive been working for a couple of months. that made it possible for me to upgrade my PC, which has been my hobby of over 10 years now only after the 2nd month considerably. been thinking if i should just treat myself a little more, in the sense of just spending a little more cash here and there to sweaten my day, to have some positive points in the day or something, but honestly i wouldnt even know what to get or do. not gonna start a drug addiction like nicotine, i dont really drink at all, if i spent it on delicious food id gain even more weight. will get a contract for my phone so i actually have internet when not at home etc. "im not someone to whine fast and i have lots of patience but i feel like this job is costing me my sanity. i feel like ill eventually get into a downward spiral developing some kind of mental issues." while still hating it, having had 2 days after the post and talking to people on here, i think the main issue lies with my condition and im now on the way to get it treated asap. will try to eat more nutritious and get the meds i need.
  6. i made my appointment to get checked today. ill be going there next week, get my blood checked and i hope nothing else serious adds to my stupid condition.. starting whenever i did my first thread about "the job" it has always been the same job. in my december post i was talking about this job. but then i wasnt working for them and only had the version of the corporation that was sold to me. when i started working the flaws became very obvious very quick. we have many different hardware products, most of you probably even own some of them but theres one category which i openly said have no knowledge about and they said: thats no problem we will train you. 4 months later, i still havent gotten that training, when i asked my colleagues they laughed ironically and i will never get it. 4 months later when customers call about that certain kind of product i cannot help them almost at all. its not my problem honestly and im not paid enough to actually care, but its still annoying thats true for most of our team btw. in january i was promised id get off for holidays, now they changed it that i do. So the first holiday that i actually had (friday before easter) i had to work. we went to work for 50 fcking calls.. its a joke. tomorrow, another holiday here, ill have to work again. its less about getting these off but more about the honesty or the lack thereof. its not that i hate the job because of calling alone which might have been what my post seemed like. its many different things that are incredible to me and that are asked of us which all culminate together. all my other colleagues (whove worked there far longer than me, think the same, but they seem to have a higher tolerance. as ive found out of the course of reading and participating in the comments of my thread some actually helped me feel better, guide in the right direction and let me see where a big part of my problems lie. its most likely less about the job but my condition.
  7. in a sense this describes it kinda well. i would never hurt/kill myself but for years ive been living in this state of: "my lives going to be sh*tty anyway, im never gonna accomplish anything (mainly just having a job i love doing while being able to provide for a family) and find a suitable significant other (which i very much miss, since my last break up a couple of years ago) i just wish i wouldnt wake up the next day". i guess im hoping it all just ends magically before the real consequences catch up to me. being with her showed me how lonely i actually was before that (was my only gf because somehow i never fell in love with girls that fell in love with me and i didnt have exactly much self esteem, what an irony) and how lonely i am now. i was very clingy and codependent because of that. welp i get the sense maybe the the job isnt the part that solely makes my life feel like a waste but also these other underlying issues that i banished from my brain. it just all culminates and the job was the newest addition to an already bleak life.
  8. youre absolutely right. i cant even get myself to do stuff that i usually enjoy, imagine stuff i dont enjoy. at work i usually only drink water and actually really little food for being there 9 hours of my day and not much sugar. but i could eat "better food". apart from looking for a new job ill tackle the thyroid issue and the food first. maybe after having worked on both of those i feel more energetic, less passive and less sh*tty.
  9. youre exactly on the money, again. Ye, ill get this thyroid stuff out of the way asap. ill just go to the doc tmrw ask to do it immediately or give me an appointment right there.
  10. no i havent set up an appointment yet. i hate going to the doc generally and when i finally had the nerve to call them and make an appointment they told me to go onto some fcking website and make an appointment there...... just was about to do it now, turns out i cannot even choose to have my blood taken as an option.. generally thats something they do very early because youre not supposed to have eaten anything. idk i guess ill call another doc tmrw... im happy this also got me to remember about my thyroid issue as an actual issue and factor. i had totally forgotten about how it probably influenced my life and how i look on things for years of not treating it. maybe having it treated will help me cope with everything in general. i just feel so ty..
  11. i wouldnt say im highly anxious but im very focused on the negative. im never optimistic about anything.
  12. its less a way out of the job market and more me feeling totally overwhelmed with this job and how i detest it. there is indeed information that i didnt share. but it is not to important to the situation at hand but more how i got into this situation. long story short: parents broke up, im living with my mom to support her because she cannot move (high costs) or pay the rent on her own and my little brother. the pay is similar to a part time job i think. i could live with that money and my mom would support me (in the sense that wed be living together for those years). she does however not approve of the idea of me quitting and getting a part time job. also yes, i would say youre right in saying that im lethargic. i have a strong thyroid dysfunction that i should take medication for, which also potentially affects my brain. i may have depression as a result of that, but not in the sense of "oh my life has been so bad" kind of way but in a "the chemicals in the brain arent as they should be" way. i was not on healthcare for almost 2 years, i got it now that im working again and i need to do a bloodtest and see what kind of meds i need for the condition. im not saying this because i wanted to excuse my behaviour. just extra info because i had to deal with that stuff a few years ago. also im not here to have people just say yes to my rants. i asked for opinions and advice. sharing like this helps me a lot to cope with stuff because i dont feel like i can open to anyone about it irl actually TALKING about it. i just cant do it. i would totally have my mom, shed listen "happily" etc but im just not the type who can do that. i am currently 26.
  13. im not too sure yet tbh. for stuff id actually love to do my grades back in school were too bad. i made many mistakes in my life, my laziness brought me here and now im here to whine about it. at this point id try to go in a direction of an office job with minimal customer contact. i dont have big dreams or anything. working infront of a computer doing my thing would be all id want. basically what im doing now but without having to deal with all these people. i could, yes. i dont want to get into the whole situation and what brought me to this point in the last 7 months. but i could theoretically live off of that part time. im thinking part time because its hard to get something fulltime with my current qualifications. im too unfit for any job that requires lots of manual labor, which is very visible to say the least. so even if i tried noone would hire me for a job on your feet for most of the day. as mentioned before i have to change my mindset on this, i just dont know how to do it. how do i go from: "i hate this" to "its not that bad" to "i dont mind this" is the question for me. i will be looking for a new job, its just hard to find anything. being badly qualified and morbidly obese is not an easy combination. Latter means i cannot do many types of jobs physically but also that people probably dont want to put me into positions where im seen by customers and the like. idk if you happen to have ideas for jobs that dont ask for high qualifications, just throw them my way. im mostly trying to find jobs that i can actually look for.
  14. apart from the ones you already named i cannot really think of much more. i dont have to work weekends (yet) and the job in all is not very "hard". idk. maybe youre right about this. i just feel like running away. i think because there is another easier way its hard for me to stay on this path. talking about sanity and losing my mind was more of a down the road thing. im constantly thinking about work, how i dont wanna go, how i despise it etc. every day after work i feel like sh*t, im almost always in a bad mood. im at work and i think about how i hate it there and i wanna go home, i get home and all i think about is how i hate work and i dont wanna go the next day. ive become so passive in the few hours that i have after a work day, i dont really do anything anymore.. just sit there browse the web wanting to just get entertained. i dont even game anymore, which used to be what i liked doing most. im just constantly drained.. its not the working itself that gets me. ive learned that it gets boring af to be unemployed and being able to do what you want the whole day. looking at what other people or even my parents had to deal with most of their life, this job is really chill and not bad. but for some reason... i gotta admit that i also have an of a colleague sitting near me which makes it a lot worse. the way it works here (apart from when doing university) its not just classes. you kinda start at a job, you go there 3 times a week and 2 times you go to some kind of "school",you get paid miserably. you learn while doing the job and some extra stuff on the side. usually it takes 3 years to finish something like that. but afterwards you can actually get real jobs.
  15. heyo, ive made a thread about this before. as a short introduction so you dont have to read the other wall of text. im a textbook loser who now HAD TO get a job. I started as a call center tech support agent in january. i was really psyched at first that for the first time i got my ass up and actually made some money but that changed pretty fast. i cannot really put my finger on why exactly but i just HATE the job. Its not a very hard job or anything but i just hate it. having to phone with all those customers and having to listen to their problems and trying to find solutions. I dont know why but i just cannot stand all this customer contact maybe. i knew beforehand that this kind of job is not really up my alley because im not one to talk to strangers easily etc but i didnt imagine itd be this bad for me. Company doesnt seem as awesome as i thought at first. just every day i dread to go to to work, i come home and i cannot think of anything else but me not wanting to go to that place the next day. the only good thing is that i dont have to sell sh*t on the phone.. ive now been thinking to just leave and look for a part time job until i can get a spot to learn a real profession in september and wanted to gather some thoughts about it from people here. i could have a part time job and make more money by tutoring kids in school (of all ages). im not someone to whine fast and i have lots of patience but i feel like this job is costing me my sanity. i feel like ill eventually get into a downward spiral developing some kind of mental issues.
  16. i am so drained from the job currently when i get home, i cant possibly muster the strength to do anything else but chill. i barely even game anymore. i am however slowly losing weight because im eating less and being more active because i have a job and a daily routine now. apart from me being there 9 hours a day and wasting around 10-11 not having "free time" the whole hating the job thing is even more of a mental burden on me. yep, thats the plan. they like me at the job and im doing good work there so i dont have to be scared to get let go or anything. the second i find something better with at least the same pay (which isnt that high to begin with) im out of there quicker than you can imagine. its just hard to get anything with my qualifications. im thinking about getting some, but that would mean earning WAY less cash for 3 years of getting those.
  17. yes its that job. turns out they sold it a lot better than it actually is. also as said i didnt think having to phone with such customers would just pull me down so much. i was happy at the time that i finally found some work that didnt seem too bad, and it could be a lot worse for sure. but i need to fins i can leave within 2 weeks, id just have to find another job to change to first @catfeeder youre not wrong, its just hard to view something that i hate to do in a more positive way. its not like i cannot speak to strangers. its no problem in that sense i just really would prefer not to work in that kind of business. for that kind of job its a great position that i got. there are A LOT worse. times are good, i have weekends free and i dont have to sell anything. its just that personally i hate doing that kinda work. i didnt know before hand it would be that bad for me. i was actually really happy and looking forward to that position.
  18. Bad decisions and being a lazy f*ck led me to the path im on. I failed to get my school degree because i was a lazy f*ck, hung around, tried to get a degree as a translator, failed because i was a lazy f*ck whos now stuck with 20k debt, hung around again and now i am working as a tech support for a huge hardware manufacturer everyone knows. The colleagues are awesome and it makes the climate at work very good but having to deal with the customers on the phone is just pure aids for me. I had to get a job and me being very out of shape and morbidly obese, it had to be something "stationary" that i could actually do 8 hours a day without dying. im just writing this here, because getting out my thoughts like this usually helps me a lot. dont really expect many answers or advice. its my own fault. its an ok job tbh, its just me not being the right type of person to do it and have fun. There are a few things that make me hate the job. 1. some customers are just plain stupid. a lot of my job until now required to look up stuff, that was publicly available information. it gets especially bad and really annoying when they have unrealistic expectations. they come to us with problems and arent satisfied with the solutions we give them because they thought itd be easier, to explain it broadly. 2. while the people there are nice, we dont get the training we would need to do a better job. its very frustrating and my colleagues are annoyed as well. i was promised training with a specific type of hardware we offer of which i know nothing about and almost 2 months later i havent gotten anything and i barely have knowledge about it. i dont really have to care but that means i have to ask a lot when i get customers with issues on those things (issue is we are not directly working for the hardware manufacturer but the support is being outsourced to the company i am working at.) 3. the service (repair especially) of products is fcking trash. as with the support theyre trying to spend as little money as possible, so they send the repairs to a servicepartner and we have to deal with so many people who sent in their hardware (sometimes for 4 weeks at a time) and it goes back unrepaired. and whos left to deal with that sh*t? we are. and sometimes they sent it in multiple times.. then it gets really fun to deal with the customers. not only is it a super sh*tty situation to deal with, obviously i also feel sorry for them but i cannot do anything about the situation but tell them that they have to resend it in.. 4. this is the biggest issue that i didnt think would be too bad: i hate speaking to customers on the phone etc. i just plain hate it. when i started i didnt think it was gonna be that bad for me. i was doing more of chat. it is still very annoying but way more manageable to me. ive chatted a lot in the past, i type incredibly fast and i enjoy it more than having to deal with the customers on the phone. on the phone i just feel so uncomfortable having to speak to them especially when its problems caused by the manufacturer or stuff i cannot help with. Today they put me more on the phone and i hate it so much ive been trying to find another job for 2 hours today when i got home with my measily non existent qualifications. it made me even type up this post, to manage my thoughts and calm down. i dread tomorrow and the day after and every day after that. i dont wanna go. unfortunately im stuck with it for now. what the job showed me tho, is that i am not actually that lazy. i do my stuff and i do it well. im actually conscientious, which i didnt really know. after years and years of school and "learning" i just got really tired of it, which is why i didnt finish my school and the translator degree (which was just more school) and now.. now i pay for it. gotta stand up every day for a job i hate that isnt even well paid.. you read that a ton. i know many people feel the same. just didnt think id be one of them one day.
  19. its less that she couldnt deal with the situation yet or anything. its her being to good a person and her not wanting him to be on the street. she doesnt really grasp that what shes doing is prolonging this ty situation. he is here when shes at work and before she comes back he goes to his work and then sleeps somewhere else. either the garage he has or hes sleeping at one of his love interests. she has agreed with him being here on christmas day because (and i quote): "we cant let him be alone in his garage on christmas day". which i absolutely disagree with. i think he should be alone and not taint our christmas day. but she puts huge importance on such holidays and would probably take in all the homeless if she had the money to host something like that. on the other hand his mum (my grandma) is also pushing for her to take him back (lol, isnt happening) and my mum wants to stay in good relationships with her since she has been more of a mother to my mum than her own mother was. which is arguably hard if you tell her son to f*ck off. my mum has a job and makes more money than ill make when i start mine in january but she cannot carry this big appartment on her own. it is WAY cheaper for me to stay here and support this appartment than getting my own. my brother and me will both be paying part of the rent to be able to stay here. my brother will just be taking some part time job at a super market or something. while it is convenient thats not the reason im staying. its to support her and not have her hassle with moving multiple times and wasting money while doing so. he is. and he is also absolutely a carbon copy of my dad. hes as much a liar, thief (stole jewelry worth over 10k€ to buy drugs from my mum), deceives people and is egotistical as . hes my brother but neither i nor my mum really trust him. while ive been supporting my mum for the last 4 months and being her literal crutches as much as i can, he doesnt really give a , barely spends time with her. he absolutely comes after my father. basically we are in this situation because the both over them stole well over 20k€ from her. money she couldve needed now to move and not have my loser father on her ass. what a duo.
  20. me not being there is not about sending a message. the sending a message part i referred to was that my mom broke up and she will not change her mind about that. but her being so lenient and nice because she feels sorry for him undermines that and sends him a message of: "everything is going back to what it was" when that is definitely not happening. as to moving out. i could move out, but BECAUSE of that new life situation with him im helping her out by staying with her and my brother. ill be "paying to stay" so that this appartment can be paid, because she cant move out with all her belongings because thatd cost a few thousand bucks that she doesnt have. me moving out just like this would also mean she would have to move twice, once with my brother and then when he can live on his own again to live in a smaller appartment on her own. i cant pay for me and my brother to move out, and he doesnt have any qualifications to get a real job yet because he hadnt bothered to get an apprenticeship/college degree yet.
  21. ima rant about my trash dad in this thread so ill try to keep his description as short as i can in a kind of list so you have context to the situation and my thoughts, so you can give yours a little better. posted here recently about feeling like a loser, living with my mum and brother and the plan is im staying to support them financially, because she doesnt have the money to move and my brother still only has his highschool diploma. dad: - never been a real dad to us, - probably cheated on my mum in the 30 years of marriage - had cancer like 10 years ago which is probably the main reason my mom didnt break up back then apart from her wanting to stick together for me and my brother and her being dependent on him financially - since noone would hire him afterwards because of his age they made a restaurant together for 6 years - afterwards the plan was for each of them to find a job. he, the piece of sh*t hes always been goes behind her back, steals 10000€ (the ONLY money she had saved up) and opens his ty pawn shop, which failed like everything else he tried to do (he went behind her back to open failed businesses multiple times because hes an egotistical trash human being who needs to feel like a boss rather than work for others and it failed EVERY time) - at that point she was already about to break up but he sobbingly faked some regret and she stuck. - only reason we never landed on the street is because HIS mum hooked us up with money when we needed it. which was way too ing often considering my dads over 60+ now and is still dependent on his ing mum because hes a loser (this all couldve been evaded by just taking a normal f*cking job, which he doesnt wanna do) - my mum sees in a video how he cheats on her, she "breaks up". (literally if she hadnt seen the video she probably wouldnt have gone through with the breakup) forward a few months, he still kinda lives here when shes at work and goes to sleep who knows where else. she doesnt wanna throw him out because he has no flat, (officially) no job and only a rented cellar with no bathroom or anything. he has an alcohol problem, lost his drivers license but keeps driving. my mum is INSANELY compassionate and empathetic and now she feels sorry for that idiot. things arent moving along because she doesnt throw him out since shes so generous with giving him time, and he thinks he can play the time game because shes gonna forgive him sooner or later in his head.(because she always did before, but she wont this time) he also sees no fault in what he did, says it wasnt his fault and it "just happened" or smth, tho he even has to eat ing viagra to get it up, and calls her crazy for "still" not having things brought back to "normal" 4 months later. as you guys can kinda tell i absolute disagree with her showing him any kind of "mercy" or compassion. with his reckless and egotistic behaviour he has endangered the family multiple times and now it turns out he also went elsewhere to f*ck after having stolen 10000€ and then going into debt once again. i never had a close bond to him because he was never there but now i hate him and i dont wanna see him anymore. in his mind he was gonna go out having fun elsewhere and have his wife care for him until he dies. basically have his cake and eat it too.(hes 13 years older than her) imo he has to f off as quickly as possible, its called karma and he brought the situation onto himself. imagine my joy when i just found out that my mum feels too sorry to let him be in his cellar on his own on christmas and hes gonna be with us..................................................................... i am beyond livid, especially because i kept telling her every day multiple times a day that i dont want him here and that i am not gonna be here if he is. i dont need a sh*tty christmas where noone says anything because its awkward and literally noone actually wants him there, me being in the worst mood because of it and he tries to act like he actually wants to be part of the family he never appreciated or gave a about just to keep living comfy with his wife caring for him. im sry for the language but i had to get these thoughts out and those words help show my "feelings" on him and the situation. am i the assh*le here? i think apart from xmas going to be complete garbage with him, it also sends the wrong message making him think, that things are indeed going to go back to "normal" again. i think shes WAY too soft and its a damn joke that hes still not out of our lives after almost 4 months. imo because she just doesnt throw him out, he has no incentive to actually try and get a new flat and just plays the time game (thats not an assumption, i know for a fact that hes trying to wait it out)
  22. welp i applied for a job that i was actually genuinly interested in. they invited me for an interview and apparently i nailed it. they had a few questions to which i didnt really know a good answer to like: what are your biggest weaknesses/strength, but i totally convinced them with my knowledge needed for the job. im happy about the job itself since there were a bunch i applied to where i wasnt really interested in just cz i needed the money. pay is good, the company seems really cool and caring. ill be starting in january im really happy and hope this is the first step to a better life.
  23. wasnt that kind of job. it was a tutoring kids for school subjects job. was nothing where i could get into the company and have my foot in etc. it was really bad payment for an easy to do job but they couldnt give me more than 2 courses of those a week. ill need to find a job that A. supports the appartment because my moms job cant carry all of it B. i can pay off my healthcare debts + healthcare in general (which is np if i get a full time job) C. have some money for myself to save if possible. so im looking for part time (20h) or fulltime (40h). 3h just doesnt cut it and i specifically asked her if it was possible to accumulate enough for parttime. she said it wasnt. also i feel sorry for the parents who send their kids there and pay for it.. its a joke, when i was trialing there with another "teacher" all the kids did was doing homework and asking occasional questions. that not how tutoring a kid that needs help should be. but i guess doing nothing for that payment makes you not really care either way.
  24. thats also a huge issue i forgot to mention. everything seems overwhelming. i am currently going through job sites hours at a day sometimes. trying to get a job and the worse the situation gets the "worse" a job i have to settle for. i had 2 job-interviews of which one i had a trial that day. as said the one with the trial that id have liked to do just didnt have enough work for me to do and i cant settle for a 3 hours of work at 30 bucks a week job. the other one wasnt interested apparently. i know what the way out of this misery its just hard to walk the walk for me. ive had these thoughts that i put in the mainpost for a few weeks now every night and it just helps me to get it out there and not be constantly surrounded by them. thanks for the advice
  25. ye.. not even sure what to put in here. thought id just get it out of me. basically failed school and ended up with a bad "certificate", went and tried to get a kind of degree and failed at that as well. 26 years old only ever had 1 girlfriend for barely 6 months, in a relationship that was doomed from the beginning. the first few months of that was really the only time in my life i felt good about myself.. i miss that feeling..miss not being lonely.. had just started that degree in another city and found the first person to actually like me for me. but that went over pretty quickly.. its now been 3 years. moved back to my parents, who dont even know i failed, having to find a job, because we desperately need the money, because my parents are splitting. but of course im barely "qualified" to do anything and im too fat and far too out of shape to do any physical jobs, because i barely move away from my desk on which i game daily, probably to just escape this sh*tty existence hoping every night before i go to bed that i dont wake up.. i could/would never do anything to myself. im not suicidal, im just tired of living in a sense but wouldnt act on that.. and i know once i eventually find a job, ill feel better. ill have something to do again, i have a daily routine, i get to know people.. right now ive just been sitting in my room for the last 1.5 years and i could probably count the times i left the appartment on 2 hands.. the one job i wouldve liked to do and where they actually wanted me only was like 3 hours a week, so i had to turn it down. i dont have any real life friends anymore. all the friends i have are old friends back from school, we are in voip daily and play games together. they all moved to different cities for their universities. its the only social contacts i have, but i dont really feel like i could confide in them and all in all its not a very positive group. we are all very cynic, sarcastic. usually makes me feel a little better to have put the stuff that goes through my head into words once in a while.
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