GF wants to remain as friends, I don't

[Onderoo]

While I understand how down you are at the moment, and the temptation to start dating again to take away the pain, it may well be better for you in the long run if you give yourself a break and concentrate on your own healing. Right now, you are unlikely to be emotionally available to anyone, and an emotionally healthy woman - who in all likelihood isn't focused on your bank balance! - will pick this up intuitively, and fast.

 

Unfortunately, you're likely to interpret this as them rejecting you due to your circumstances - living at home or whatever - rather than the fact that your grieving, regret and lack of connection with them is going to be showing in all sorts of subtle ways. Sure there are some gold-diggers around... but there are also plenty of women who are more interested in having a meaningful relationship, because they've got the rest of their lives sorted out.

 

Hopefully, your dates will go really well and at least be a step on the road to rebuilding your shattered self-esteem. But before you sink even deeper into despair, ask yourself what you've got to give to a relationship, rather than what you want to get from it. You may need to do various things for yourself, to build up yourself, before you get out there. Love comes from a full heart, not an empty one.

 

 

That's great advice for the most part. But what the OP needs to learn to understand is the inherent drive of Female Nature. Women want a man to provide in some way. If not financially, then in some other way. Human beings are inherently selfish and that love and loyalty is conditional and is determined by the catering of their needs.

 

@yeahyeahyeah - Focus on your own needs first and never make any of the girls you're dating your number #1 priority. Don't doubt for a second that women do the same. As much as us men want to care, protect and sacrifice ourselves for women, don't expect women to love you in the same way. They're simply not built that way. No one will cushion your blow if you fall down besides you. So make "You" your prime focus. Then your woman second. It might seem spiteful and unfair, but it's human nature. Women will only love you provided you give them the provisioning they're looking for. If you're no longer able to or if someone better comes along, they will walk away, along with their "unconditional" love and marriage vows.

[nutbrownhare]

There's a difference between selfishness and self love. The first means taking care of yourself and your own interests at the expense of other people, with no regard for how your actions affect them. The second means taking responsibility for your own welfare, and not expecting other people to take care of things which are actually your own responsibility. People who have a healthy self-love don't exploit other people.

 

And, Onderoo... do you really think there are no women around who are breadwinners, take care of families when their partner is either absent or unable to? Women who stand by their partners, no matter what, including in some quite abusive relationships? Take a look around this site...

 

It seems you suffered a great deal of pain in a recent-ish relationship, and the problem with your world view is that you will unconsciously be drawn towards women who fit your stereotype, whilst discounting those who don't. Why not accept that woman are people, and that sweeping generalisations aren't very helpful!

[Onderoo]

Interesting read, I agree!

 

I have fought a lot for my career. I got pissed on my previous relationship where my ex was earning minimum wage and I would get home being paid three times as much as her to have to eat store frozen food warmed up on the microwave, do my own laundry, do my tax returns, do whatever!! Did I also mentioned the differences in schedule?

 

Needless to say how this all ended.

Money is only an object, in a relationship and now I use the excess to treat myself (go out, have someone helping me, etc)

Ironically my disposable income is much larger than it was when I was living with my partner even tough she was also earning.

 

Now, this works both ways: I'm pretty sure there are many woman out there that feel the same exact thing and that's the reason they stay alone. Why bother? I've seen many good woman with husbands that prefer to stick to some hobby, go and have a pint with friends and do other stuff. Why not plan a surprise holiday somewhere? Isn't that the point of being in a relationship: Do things together?

 

I think the lowest earning should stay at home supporting the higher paid. Some see it as inferiority, I think that's all B*. You can do all that, volunteer, perhaps run a part time job, but the value that brings in general pays off. If I can spend 2 hours more each day doing overtime for the equivalent of her full day earnings, then I would rather do that and have a clean home, hot meal and happy children after an exhausting day at work.

 

Believe me or not having someone working on the background can offload much of your stress too. For me it is a hell of a treat not only getting home and having things organised (making my work more efficient) but having an occasional surprise holiday planned. I Find that much more valuable that having a partner bringing home a salary.

 

The reality is, how much a woman earns means nothing to men. A young, attractive 22 year old for example doesn't need to bother. She'll have men waiting in line for her ready to do their bidding. The modern woman fails to recognise this and instead focuses on their careers and waste it "Having fun", only to wonder where the gravy train went once they're older and less attractive. Conversely, with the new "Yes means Yes" and "My body, my choice" laws. Women are getting increased entitlement to a point where they're willing to provide literally very little in return to the sacrifices men are willing to make to provide them with a better life.

 

Given the above propaganda, it's only fair that men pass their own laws by calling it "My money, my choice". I personally don't care what a woman does with her body until the moment she requires me to pay for it via dinner dates etc. at which point it becomes my business. Sorry to say that as I don't want to sound misogynistic, but the only solution for women given their rights is to pay their own way and to provide for themselves. Otherwise, it's simply a one sided relationship where men have very little incentive to commit.

[Onderoo]

Onderoo... do you really think there are no women around who are breadwinners, take care of families when their partner is either absent or unable to?

 

I'm sorry but that type of a relationship/marriage doesn't exist. Name me one happy couple where the man stayed at home and acted as a house husband while the wife provided financially. It doesn't happen. Reversing the roles doesn't make a happy couple. This has been backed by science.

 

Conversely, it's not women who solely take care of their welfare, but the government providing her with the support she needs in order to do it (Controlled by men).

 

Women who stand by their partners, no matter what, including in some quite abusive relationships? Take a look around this site...

 

Yes, because it's the indifferent and carefree behaviour by that type of man that causes a woman to want to stick around. What does that tell you about the nature of women?

 

It seems you suffered a great deal of pain in a recent-ish relationship, and the problem with your world view is that you will unconsciously be drawn towards women who fit your stereotype, whilst discounting those who don't. Why not accept that woman are people, and that sweeping generalisations aren't very helpful!

 

Because whilst we're lead to believe we're different. As a collective gender, we're all the same. It's got nothing to do with me being burned, but about understanding Biology and society's inherent flaws based on this.

[yeahyeahyeah]

And, Onderoo... do you really think there are no women around who are breadwinners, take care of families when their partner is either absent or unable to? Women who stand by their partners, no matter what, including in some quite abusive relationships? Take a look around this site...

 

I have only had 2 GFs in my life.

 

GF 1: First question she asked me when we started dating "how are you so popular?", at the time I was extremely popular, I was setting up house parties, and she attended my house parties.

 

Needless to say, as I said in the first page, she broke up with me and then to add insult into the wound told me post break up that she was in love with a new guy she met not giving a damn about my feelings. It even went to the point that she told me 'When I told you that I wanted to marry you, I liked the idea of being married, not because I actually wanted to marry you'

 

Girl number 2, my current ex:

 

When we first started I was doing my own tech start up project, and pretty entrepreneural. I wasn't making any money, but I found that I was attracting quite a lot of girls online, on many dates, many people were attracted by my drive and entreprenural nature. Upon breaking up with me, my ex GF told me that she was one of the main things she was attracted to. Similarly, like ex number 1, she left me as soon as I hit bad times, I am in debt right now, and under a lot of strain financially from a failed start up project. Start up project did not work, so now I am just doing a normal job.

 

I know this is a small sample size, but I swear every time I have attracted to a woman is during moments in my life when I am in a good place and doing well, not during weak periods. In my case, both girls left me as soon as things became challenging, suddenly their 'feelings changed' and they 'can't feel the same way anymore'.

 

So maybe Onderoo can be perceived as over cynical, but there is probably some truth in it and I am starting to become disillusioned and scared about committing the rest of my life for someone for the reasons he has stated. I know there are plenty of successful marriages out there, for example I admire my parents a lot who have stuck together for 40 years, but it just seems as though the younger generation bed-hop a lot, and have no problem with not being loyal, and divorcing once they losing the loving feeling as opposed to trying to work with their partner to get back into a state of love.

 

It seems you suffered a great deal of pain in a recent-ish relationship, and the problem with your world view is that you will unconsciously be drawn towards women who fit your stereotype, whilst discounting those who don't. Why not accept that woman are people, and that sweeping generalisations aren't very helpful!

 

I definently have, outside of the break ups, I was never popular with the girls, they all used to think I was a geek and go for the jocks. It's only when I graduated and I started to create value, by that, educated, respectable job, popularity etc, I then started to become more attractive to women. Then again, maybe I am wrong, I never did online dating before, which is where a lot of my leads are coming from.

[Onderoo]

I feel you man. There's really no point trying to convince women. You can lay out all the evidence in front of them and they will still not get it. Once a belief or social norm is set in stone (Despite being bulls**t), there's no undoing it.

My advice would be to learn to get better at dating and to accept things for how they are. Most advice on here (While good) isn't tangible or based on reality. You'll learn the facts through experiential practice and reference experiences.

[shiner501]

Do not have any contact with this woman ever again. Demoted from boyfriend, sex partner, lover... to "friend"? Grow a set dude, have some dignity and block this woman.

[yeahyeahyeah]

Do not have any contact with this woman ever again. Demoted from boyfriend, sex partner, lover... to "friend"? Grow a set dude, have some dignity and block this woman.

 

She has stopped talking to me anyway, and I haven't bothered writing to her, it has been 2 weeks NC.

 

On a date tomorrow with a new woman, I wonder how that goes. Glad that I am setting up these dates, helping me move on quicker knowing that other women like me.

[yeahyeahyeah]

I feel you man. There's really no point trying to convince women. You can lay out all the evidence in front of them and they will still not get it. Once a belief or social norm is set in stone (Despite being bulls**t), there's no undoing it.

 

Seen this happen a lot with people generally. Men and women. Once the trust is gone, the relationship is gone.

 

My advice would be to learn to get better at dating and to accept things for how they are. Most advice on here (While good) isn't tangible or based on reality. You'll learn the facts through experiential practice and reference experiences.

 

Good point. I only started moving forward to be honest in my dating life when I accepted that not all women would go for me for whatever reason, and just focused on those that were attracted to me despite my imperfections. Before that I was so hung up over looks and feeling as though I wasn't good looking enough, when the truth it, different people have different tastes in people. Some people just have a wider net than others, I am not one of those guys, have to play the numbers game hard.

[yeahyeahyeah]

Hi all,

 

Update:

 

Went on my first date post break up last night. As soon as I saw her, I was not at all physically attracted to her, as the night went on I tried to find physical attributes that are attractive to me, but there were none. She just wasn't my type.

 

We had many common interests and she was a very nice girl but I just felt like I was talking to a friend . If this was a girl I was attracted to , at some point I would try and kiss her but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

 

At the end of the date she asked me if we were going to see one another again I was like 'yeah sure', did not want to hurt her feelings. But now I'm really upset at myself, if only I was slightly attracted to her I would date her.

 

Anyway, after the date I am now really starting to miss my ex GF, and I am starting to feel like the grass isn't greener on the other side.

[cdtsilva]

Hi all,

 

Update:

 

Went on my first date post break up last night. As soon as I saw her, I was not at all physically attracted to her, as the night went on I tried to find physical attributes that are attractive to me, but there were none. She just wasn't my type.

 

We had many common interests and she was a very nice girl but I just felt like I was talking to a friend . If this was a girl I was attracted to , at some point I would try and kiss her but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

 

At the end of the date she asked me if we were going to see one another again I was like 'yeah sure', did not want to hurt her feelings. But now I'm really upset at myself, if only I was slightly attracted to her I would date her.

 

Anyway, after the date I am now really starting to miss my ex GF, and I am starting to feel like the grass isn't greener on the other side.

 

I can perfectly understand this, but please send her a text saying how you feel, I think you get my point without going further...

 

I Think its way too early and you may be fooling yourself. Give yourself time to get to know yourself and the attributes you like in a girl.

Each person has a different personality, please don't be one of the many that are looking for a clone of his/her ex.

 

Good job on getting a date

[yeahyeahyeah]

I can perfectly understand this, but please send her a text saying how you feel, I think you get my point without going further...

 

I Think its way too early and you may be fooling yourself. Give yourself time to get to know yourself and the attributes you like in a girl.

Each person has a different personality, please don't be one of the many that are looking for a clone of his/her ex.

 

Good job on getting a date

 

She hasn't sent me a text today either so I am wondering if she has clocked on.

 

What should I send her - it feels a bit awkward.

 

Not looking for a clone of my ex - since there were aspects I just hated - i would continue seeing the girl I went on a date with if I was physically attracted to her. A shame really.

[yeahyeahyeah]

She hasn't sent me a text today either so I am wondering if she has clocked on.

 

What should I send her - it feels a bit awkward.

 

Not looking for a clone of my ex - since there were aspects I just hated - i would continue seeing the girl I went on a date with if I was physically attracted to her. A shame really.

 

Decided to send her a text message to touch base by thanking her for the date, how I had a good time and wishing a good rest of the weekend.

 

She responded saying that she 'enjoyed last night too', and that's it. I guess she wasn't that interested as I thought or that is a cue to ask her out again which I won't do to avoid leading her on.

 

Anyway onto the next one.

[yeahyeahyeah]

Decided to send her a text message to touch base by thanking her for the date, how I had a good time and wishing a good rest of the weekend.

 

She responded saying that she 'enjoyed last night too', and that's it. I guess she wasn't that interested as I thought or that is a cue to ask her out again which I won't do to avoid leading her on.

 

Anyway onto the next one.

 

No contact with my ex is pretty rough tonight, not knowing if I will ever find an adequate replacement is making me feel unsettled

[yeahyeahyeah]

Nurse has done a U turn , she has gone from giving me a hard time about living at home to giving me her number.

 

Won't be surprised if I end up going on a date with her next weekend.

 

A shame that my dating skills were not like this in my early 20s, I don't seem to find it that hard to chat to women and get them on dates anymore.

 

I have noticed that girls seem to like guys who don't beat around the bush , only difference between early 20s and now.

[yeahyeahyeah]

Update:

 

Online dating isn't going well, got the girl who takes ages to respond to add me on whatsapp , everytime I tried to set up a date prior whatsapp she kept on telling me that she had other plans without properly suggesting an alternative date. Then once on whatsapp convo did not flow and went cold. She just kept on asking me loads of questions as opposed to setting up a date, which she knows I wanted to do. Really annoying. I deleted her number.

 

I made a joke with the nurse that I didn't think went down well, she asked me that I should introduce her to x place in town, I told her that I would think about it. Instead of taking it as a joke she reacted by going cold on me, sent her a follow up a day later, she did not respond. I deleted her number too.

 

It's really weird because I normally get women on a date by this point.

 

Girl I went on a date with on Saturday wrote to me out of the blue yesterday , sending me a track she likes - frustrating since she is a v nice girl (out of the others) but I am not attracted.

 

Anyway, I'm meeting a lot of time wasters online, who are stringing me along so I am going to hold off online dating for a while since the rejections are affecting me outside of my ex who I have not heard from. It is affecting my self esteem.

[yeahyeahyeah]

Second date confirmed for this weekend. Weird as hell, I remember a few pages back I was saying how I had a better chance with girl who takes ages to respond than the nurse, but it's the the nurse has ended up agreeing to go on a date whereas that girl has disappeared. Anyway she seems entertaining, random as hell, will be an interesting date.

 

Life works in mysterious ways.

[yeahyeahyeah]

Very depressed over the past 2 days, feel very sad over my break up. I wish that I didn't have to go back onto the dating market.

[yeahyeahyeah]

Just found out through a friend that my ex GF has been struggling post break up and started CBT.

 

I feel upset seeing her like this. I just feel as though this could have been avoided if she maintained the positive attitude towards the relationship like she had at the start.

[No1]

My ex GF keeps on offering friendship after dumping me. My ex ex GF before her, did the same thing. My current ex I have told her no, and I have nothing against women at all, but many seem to think its ok to remain as friends as some sort of consolation.

 

I am worried if I say yes, its going to end up how it did with my ex before her. When I tried friendship with my ex ex GF, I always wanted more - I remember once we met up, she was in town after a long time, and she told me over dinner 'Oh you never guess what, I have met this guy and I am absolutely in love with him'. My heart sank, and I fell into depression for a very long time, becoming resentful towards her. I don't want to go through the same thing again.

 

With my current ex GF, one of the biggest reasons why I have said no was because her grounds for breaking up with me were based on my personality flaws. She would complain that I am not trustworth, dishonest, unreliable and god knows what else.My response to that was 'why do you want to be friends with a person like that?' Her response is that she is hurt that I can say such a thing. I have told her several times that I DO NOT want to be friends with her, and will only consider a reconciliation of the relationship but she keeps on persisting with the issue.

 

Am I doing the right thing?

 

I will admit that I havent read the 10 pages of responses. So Im just going to answer your original question.

 

There is no rule that you have to be 'friends' with an X, even if she wants to be your 'friend'. If you dont want to be friends, then dont. You dont owe your X anything. You dont have to explain it, rationalize it, convince anyone on why you dont want to be friends. If you dont want to be, then dont. If you do want to be friends, then do. Its really that simple.

[Onderoo]

Just found out through a friend that my ex GF has been struggling post break up and started CBT.

 

I feel upset seeing her like this. I just feel as though this could have been avoided if she maintained the positive attitude towards the relationship like she had at the start.

 

In all of mine and my friends past breakups, it's never been the case where the girl actually reached out to apologise for the things she had done. It very rarely happens, hence why expecting their exgf to reach out and apologise in order to take them back is a poor strategy. Girls simply don't work like that. The only way an exgf will reach out again is if she has the desire to. When she does, it will have to start from a clean slate else bringing up the breakup will only make them lose interest again and back off.

 

Girls generally refuse to take responsibility for anything when it comes to failed relationships, so the less you bring up the past, the more likely it will work, assuming they make contact.

[Wiseman2]

She's dealing in her own way just as you are. Try not to rethink how to undo the pain, by going backward.

Just found out through a friend that my ex GF has been struggling post break up and started CBT. I just feel as though this could have been avoided if she maintained the positive attitude towards the relationship like she had at the start.

[yeahyeahyeah]

Thanks guys.

 

Well to add to the bad news, it looks like my date lined up tomorrow isn't going to happen. Sent a whatsapp message at 6pm to confirm, the girl has seen it (blue ticks) and it is now 10pm and hasn't got back to me to confirm, but has left me hanging so far. Won't be surprised if she flakes based on what I have written earlier in this thread. It really gets on my nerves when people do that, if you are going to cancel, let the other person know and respect their time!

 

What a crap period of my life, can't wait until 2017

[yeahyeahyeah]

Ok date confirmed - she left it late.

 

I have remembered how much I hated dating.

[yeahyeahyeah]

Ok date confirmed - she left it late.

 

I have remembered how much I hated dating.

 

Ok thought I'd let everyone know I went on the date with the nurse, to summarize:

 

- She arrived about 45 minutes late

- Once she did arrive, I was taken aback by her hotness and was really nervous.

 

Throughout the night I was stammering and stuttering with my speech, she picked up on this and kept on asking me to repeat myself. After a while, it was getting a bit ridiculous to be honest, because I started to feel like she was trying to put me down from how I was pronouncing certain words, she started to correct me a lot. This really affected my flow because I started to become paranoid about my speech which in turn affected my ability to have a meaningful conversation.

 

- A lot of awkward moments, we tried to fill the gaps by talking about random rubbish, but there was only so long you can do that for. It just wasn't working.

- She looked at her phone, then told me she had to dash by x time because she was meeting a friend.

- She was using language such as 'I have only just met you, I am on my guard' when I asked her why she isn't so eccentric on the night.

 

Anyway, she sent me a text shortly after telling me how I was a gentleman, and how she wished me the best of luck. This time round I was the one blown out, only a week before I was blowing out a girl on a date!

 

After the date I basically felt that she wasn't that much of a nice person to be honest, in comparison to my previous date but I got REALLY DOWN and then broke no contact with my ex by telling her that I missed her. Today, I feel very low on confidence, insecure (physical flaws that were not an issue before, are now becoming an issue), low self esteem and feel like there is something wrong with me.