Dating and "the Spark"

[SherrySher]

Yeah, pretty much what I was thinking too. I did go on more dates willing it to be more. Some men I dated were very nice and nothing wrong with them at all, but if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that there are people who in time can and do fall in love but it seems to be the harder path to take and it doesn't work very often. I wanted to tell you as well...just because you go through a handful and nada....don't give up and think it's never going to happen. I have literally gone a few years of nice dates but nothing and then one day met someone who had the spark. It can happen...patience is a virtue.

Also..you might luck out better than I...it could be in the next few months or weeks...after all, it only takes one.

[limichelle]

When I met my boyfriend we sparked but the second time we met up we really sparked! I believe you need the initial butterflies and excitement and you need that small spark to keep moving forward. Just remember it takes time to fully ignite.

 

I say keep dating until you find that one that gives you the butterflies and excitement and then when you go on the date let the spark build up over time.

 

Lisa

[mustlovedogs]

I think I will listen to a combo of everything said here: if I'm on the fence, go out with them a couple times more and see if anything develops, and if not, keep looking!

[Sportster2005]

Well, they do say that real or true love (or the whole fireworks things) only happens once in a life time, twice if you're lucky. That's probably why there are so many people in relationships that they really like one another,but it's not the fireworks thing going on. To be honest, I've only had that happen twice in my lifetime. The rest of the time I enjoyed my then partners company but it wasn't always that huge spark going on. I hate to say it, but as you get older the chances of find it get less.

I know it's a downer, but true.

 

Who is they? Is there some recent research you can share?

 

My experience is that women appear to struggle to find that spark much more than men. I've met a few women over the last nine years I felt a spark for. The problem is it wasn't mutual. I've sat across from many a table listening to women sing my praises, but they didn't feel that spark. And they don't think they ever will again. And that they have only found it maybe once in life.

 

Personally, when people say that want that spark, I think they are really looking for a quick intense infatuation. It's a nice feeling. But it's not love, and long term relationships rarely come from intense instant attraction. This has been studied and documented. But then again my good friend met her husband about thirty years ago. It was love at first site, and they are still very much in love. So who knows for sure.

 

There's all kinds of different stories about spark and love. I know two women close to me, who did not spark at all when they met their now husbands. One put her guy immediately in the friend zone. But after hanging out a bit she fell in love with him. The other didn't even friend zone the guy. She just didn't want anything to do with him. He called once. She was bored, went to a movie with him. The rest is history.

 

Personally when I feel too much spark, it never ends well. I like it, but I realize it's rarely mutual, and it's a poor basis for a relationship.

[SherrySher]

I wish you the best of luck mustlovedogs!!

[Sportster2005]

I'm having a hard time getting past the feeling of leading guys on. If I don't feel that instant attraction and it peters out after 2-3 dates, I've wasted their time or money or gotten their hopes up and maybe hurt them. Is it just assumed 2-3 dates is needed to feel much?

 

I don't think dating a few times is a lead on. What I find a lead on, is when they 'future' talk. Things like "We'll do this on Halloween". Or they start talking like you're in a relationship. Then you think everything is going fine. And then BAM, you get the talk, and you wonder what happened. Go ahead and have a few dates. Don't lie, and don't set expectations. Be clear and to the point. Guys will always be disappointed when rejected. But feeling lead on, is not a nice feeling at all. And sometimes it's unintentional. I think women can, and do change their mind. But that's life.

 

I struggle with it also. You have a couple of fun dates, but just aren't feeling it, yet the other person is. And sometimes you feel like you run the risk of leading them on if you continue. So you have to communicate clearly. And if you're sure it's not going anywhere, let them off the hook.

[Gary Snyder]

2 years is a short relationship. I'd say anywhere from 6 months to a year you would be ready. It sounds like you are ready.

 

When you meet these guys, meet for at least 45 min. .....if you are on the fence about a guy, it may take that long to determine attraction. But, if you don't want to kiss them by the end of the first date, you are probably wasting your time.

[mylolita]

Hi mustlovedogs,

 

I'm coming to this post a little late I think! But anyway, I'm going to put my ten pence in since this is on my favourite topic - LUUUURVE!

 

I think what you're looking for is that chemical attraction, that instant, mind blowing heaviness of instantly meeting and absurdly thinking, 'This could be the one?!?' even though you know it's crazy and you'd never admit it to anyone. You want that romantic novel, that kiss in the rain feeling, BA BA BOOM, right? That spark? Or am I wrong? I think everyone wants that. I think most people do.

 

I honestly believe when you meet someone, you know straight away. It should hit you like lightning. Sorry to be corny, but it is pretty corny. It's almost this subconscious, chemical thing going on - you two just are instantly compatible.

 

I hear people say they trusted their life long partner straight away. They knew straight away. They instantly wanted them. I believe all this because it happened to me, and I also think when you get such a strong connection like this, the honeymoon period never really ends. It just changes and evolves, but when you're really in love like that, you're in love for the rest of your life and there's nothing you can do about it.

 

Like Madonna says, don't settle for second best baby! Don't date someone or decide that person is the one because they're okay, you have a few laughs, the sex is alright, they have a decent job and your parents like them. These, in my opinion, are all horrendous reasons to be with someone or even to carry on dating someone.

 

If you want to find someone for life, you need that spark - it's something you should be looking for - because it's a thing called romantic, passionate love, and thats the thing that holds couples together for the rest of their lives. Without it you'll struggle to even get past a couple of years without feeling like there's something missing. And it will be, and that something will be the spark.

 

Lo x

[Gary Snyder]

 

If you want to find someone for life, you need that spark - it's something you should be looking for - because it's a thing called romantic, passionate love, and thats the thing that holds couples together for the rest of their lives. Without it you'll struggle to even get past a couple of years without feeling like there's something missing. And it will be, and that something will be the spark.

 

Lo x

 

This is excellent advice. Yes, love is the glue that motivates you to stay together, that holds you together. Being together without love is just an arrangement or roommates.

[mustlovedogs]

Yay, I'm glad you both say I should have the spark. I agree, but so many people say "oh, I didn't feel it, and we are doing great!"

 

After having felt it for my ex, not having it feels like settling...

 

I'm glad you don't think I'm being too picky. I have stereotypically attractive friends (I am not that, I'm a little curvy and awkward ) that tell me I need to lower my standards to find someone... It's hard to reconcile all this competing advice. But I love the spark lots. Thanks

[Batya33]

Yay, I'm glad you both say I should have the spark. I agree, but so many people say "oh, I didn't feel it, and we are doing great!"

 

After having felt it for my ex, not having it feels like settling...

 

I'm glad you don't think I'm being too picky. I have stereotypically attractive friends (I am not that, I'm a little curvy and awkward ) that tell me I need to lower my standards to find someone... It's hard to reconcile all this competing advice. But I love the spark lots. Thanks

 

The issue is not whether you should feel a spark for your partner -of course you should! - but whether that needs to happen instantly as some sort of sign that the two of you should continue dating. I disagree -strongly- that it needs to happen instantly.

[mustlovedogs]

Yes that's fair. But what would make it come date 3 vs date 1?

[youareworthy]

In my opinion, sometimes on the first couple of dates, the date anxiety is strong enough to mask the real person. As you get more relaxed and build a little bit of shared history, both people usually become more "themselves." Then if there is a spark, it becomes clearer.

 

It is sweet of you to not want to trouble the guy if it isn't going anywhere, but I agree that one date is often not enough.

 

I think you have a good plan of giving a good fellow a couple more times meeting!

 

Good luck!

[Batya33]

Yes that's fair. But what would make it come date 3 vs date 1?

 

"Make it come" - nothing "makes it come" at a certain time. Sometimes two people need to get to know each other to feel chemistry/attraction. Could be many reasons - one person might not be as open to it (consciously or otherwise), one person might not be ready, etc - many reasons. People are individuals. This morning my 7 year old played with another 7 year old who was apparently very shy according to his parents and rarely would play with a boy he just met. He warmed up to my son in seconds.

 

If you want marriage you have to be open to the many different ways people can click, and the more rigid you are about that the more you might throw away potentially good matches. Same for treating it like a car wash as if feelings should just wash over you and happen on first sight. Despite a spark being essential what's even more essential is knowing that loving is an action far more than a feeling and being willing to put in the effort to give to another person even if at that moment or on that day you're not feeling the spark you felt the day before or even weeks before. It's knowing that you can revive the spark or remember the spark during tough/challenging times.

 

If you want a hot, short term fling, limit yourself to those men where you feel an intense initial spark so that there's a good chance of good sex very soon after and because you know it's probably only going to be a fling, you don't have to put in any effort to really get to know the person and enhance the spark -get in, have fun, get out, move on.

[Sportster2005]

I wish there was a correct answer to this situation. Posters on completely different ends of the spectrum have valid points. Some have had long loving relationships after an intense initial spark. Some have had to wait. There are stories of people who only spark after weeks or months of getting know one another. Workplace romances often happen because people are forced to get to know one another over the weeks, months and years.

 

I'm divided.

 

I dated one woman for nine months. Everything seemed fine. Then one day while talking she said she was becoming insecure about our relationship. She said I was perfect on paper, and she loved me. But she wanted to feel butterflies. I left her to pursue butterflies.

 

I recently tried in vain to pursue a woman I immediately felt an unbelievable spark for. But my intuition told me it just wasn't real. It wasn't mutual, so it might be a moot point. But the reality is, I don't think it was a good thing.

 

And maybe I'm repeating myself, but it seems so many women seem stuck on the idea that if there isn't that romantic Hollywood feeling on the first couple of dates, it's not worth pursuing. I've met women where I didn't feel a large spark. But I thought it was worthwhile to pursue. Unfortunately reciprocity is rare in dating.

 

And I do agree with others. If you put so much emphasis on that spark, and thing anything short of that is settling, I think you will be single for a long time. You will hear stories and encouragement from the odd person who met, sparked, and married, and lived happily ever after. What you will less likely hear is the millions and millions of people who thought they met the love of their instantly, and it failed miserably. A lot of the broken heart stories on ENA are about this very subject.. thought he/she was love of life..... instant spark... now devastated... please help......

[Ms Darcy]

So: am I too picky? Is that spark a fluke? How much attraction is normal for a first date?

 

This will sound callous and I don't mean it to.

 

You are only as picky as your options. If you are waiting for the spark and find it in the next year or two, then it will all be worth it to you (probably).

 

If you are waiting for the spark and still single after 5 years of looking, it just might mean you need to reevaluate what you are really looking for.

[mustlovedogs]

By spark, I just want to be excited to see them again. Looking forward to getting to know them more. I get butterflies come a bit later - but I want to be instantly attracted enough that dating doesn't feel like a chore.

 

Right now, it feels like a chore.

[Ms Darcy]

I get that the spark thing can blind you to other things. It's just hard since it's all I have to compare to. I'm so bad at this! Thanks everyone

 

Thus you will have many years to date and learn ahead of you!

[Ms Darcy]

If you want to find someone for life, you need that spark - it's something you should be looking for - because it's a thing called romantic, passionate love, and thats the thing that holds couples together for the rest of their lives. Without it you'll struggle to even get past a couple of years without feeling like there's something missing. And it will be, and that something will be the spark.

 

Just to provide a bit of input. Romantic love (usually) lasts 1-2 years. What keeps couples together for the rest of their lives is what is called companionate love. Companionate love is an intimate, non-passionate type of love that is stronger than friendship because of the element of long-term commitment. "This type of love is observed in long-term marriages where passion is no longer present" but where a deep affection and commitment remain.

 

People often get confused in long-term relationships when the excitement is gone because they think they have fallen out of love. When, in reality, what happened is that they transitioned from romantic to companionate.

 

That doesn't mean the passion is completely gone though. It just comes and goes in waves with the companionate love being the steady, underlying force binding them.

[ManyDates]

I've found first date sparks to be extremely rare - but they can happen if you screen before meeting and wasting both of your time. I no longer power-date, its simply a waste of time. They need to look how I like and act how I like and both of those can be sorted out before meeting, as long as you know what those things are. If not, enjoy the ruined weekends and week days meeting endless amounts of strangers. Pretty simple, if you don't know what you want you're obviously not going to find it.

[Batya33]

By spark, I just want to be excited to see them again. Looking forward to getting to know them more. I get butterflies come a bit later - but I want to be instantly attracted enough that dating doesn't feel like a chore.

 

Right now, it feels like a chore.

Many worthwhile goals feel like a chore to accomplish at times. If the goal is worth it you will embrace the chore part as much as possible. If it's not then for whatever reason you don't want it badly enough.

[mustlovedogs]

So you honestly think I should do second dates if I'm not excited about the guy at all?

 

No offense, but I don't buy in to that

[Batya33]

So you honestly think I should do second dates if I'm not excited about the guy at all?

 

No offense, but I don't buy in to that

If you had a good time and have things in common then give it at least 3-4 dates. No offense at all- you're entitled to limit your dating pool however you choose. Just don't be offended when you have an awesome first date and he declines a second because he had fun but within your two hour meeting he didn't yet feel a spark or feel excited - as my cousin used to say "it's like if you sneeze the wrong way it's all over."

[happpybear]

Here's what I did, if I went out with a guy and enjoyed my time with him, but was not curious or thinking about him in some way the next day, like rethinking our date convo, then I would not go out with him again.

 

If I was curious about him, I would see him again. I usually needed to sleep on it and see how I felt the next day.

[Person1001]

I think you need to find the right person to have that spark w/, the trick though is not getting carried away w/that initial spark (the guy you had a spark w/, but he ghosted you). I am like you, I need to feel the "spark", usually I either date the guy or only go on a 1st date w/him. After my ex, I struggled w/finding a guy that I felt that spark w/, then I met a guy I dated for a brief period (he pretty much got scared how serious we were getting). That hurt quite a bit, the advice I was given is to guard my heart when it comes to feeling out guys that I date,