Dating and "the Spark"

[thornz]

Honestly I think that 'spark' is overrated. I've continued in some pretty horrendous relationships because of that 'spark' which later faded and I was faced with the reality of who I was dating and how awful the relationship was.

 

If you're looking for a life partner then there are more important things to look for than spark, because when that's gone, what's left? I think it would be a huge shame for you to overlook someone because you don't instantly connect. After all dates can be stressful, you may not get to know the person in their natural state for at least 3 dates!

[superkatnip]

I guess it depends on what the Spark means to you. When I have had that immediate sexual chemistry, it has ended up badly, mostly for me as I did not do what was best for ME in the relationship as the next oxytocin fix kept me around. However, if teh spark is intellectual/wit/ and intrigue of common interests, then yes, we all want that.

[Batya33]

Honestly I think that 'spark' is overrated. I've continued in some pretty horrendous relationships because of that 'spark' which later faded and I was faced with the reality of who I was dating and how awful the relationship was.

 

If you're looking for a life partner then there are more important things to look for than spark, because when that's gone, what's left? I think it would be a huge shame for you to overlook someone because you don't instantly connect. After all dates can be stressful, you may not get to know the person in their natural state for at least 3 dates!

 

The essential thing to a lasting relationship is to at least believe, during challenging times, that the spark can be revived and to be willing to put in the effort to revive that spark -whether that means conjuring up a memory, doing something nice for your spouse/partner, whatever. No, it's not going to be the same type of spark that can be based on what you don't know rather than what you do know -but you have to click, you have to click romantically, and you both have to be committed to conjuring up/reviving the spark at those times when it is beneath the surface or seemingly not there. Sometimes it's about choosing to have sex with your partner when you're not 100% in the mood, or bringing up some inside joke or funny memory that can lighten things up, get things back to the reason you got together in the first place.

 

If the spark completely fades and cannot be revived, then either the spark was not based on true chemistry/clicking or the relationship has gone through negative experiences that are beyond repair. It's fine to stay together without a spark - for companionship, for example, as long as both people are good with that situation (and that would be rare I would think or at least one person would be lying to herself/himself).

[thornz]

The essential thing to a lasting relationship is to at least believe, during challenging times, that the spark can be revived and to be willing to put in the effort to revive that spark -whether that means conjuring up a memory, doing something nice for your spouse/partner, whatever. No, it's not going to be the same type of spark that can be based on what you don't know rather than what you do know -but you have to click, you have to click romantically, and you both have to be committed to conjuring up/reviving the spark at those times when it is beneath the surface or seemingly not there. Sometimes it's about choosing to have sex with your partner when you're not 100% in the mood, or bringing up some inside joke or funny memory that can lighten things up, get things back to the reason you got together in the first place.

 

If the spark completely fades and cannot be revived, then either the spark was not based on true chemistry/clicking or the relationship has gone through negative experiences that are beyond repair. It's fine to stay together without a spark - for companionship, for example, as long as both people are good with that situation (and that would be rare I would think or at least one person would be lying to herself/himself).

 

I don't think agree. The initial spark is based on hormones not factual compatibility. You can and I have, on a number of occasions had a spark that led to a relationship with somebody who was entirely incompatible with, at least three of these relationships have been abusive. No amount of recovering the spark will make it work with somebody who isn't right for you. You need to get to know somebody to appreciate what they bring to the table and if you make a good team. You don't do that in one date, there's much to learn about somebody new.

 

There was no spark with my current partner, on the fifth/sixth date I told him I wasn't feeling it, that there was no chemistry. We are now 3 months in I am so glad I reconsidered. I feel so happy and comfortable with him, like I've never experienced before.

[mustlovedogs]

By spark I never meant that I instantly wanted to jump their bones...

 

I meant that I am excited to see them. The idea of another date makes me feel butterflies instead of some amount of dread. Conversation is easy, we get along well, there's some physical attraction...

 

If a first date doesn't make me at least a little excited, then the idea of a second date just sounds so awful to me. Great - another few hours of forced conversations, awkward bumbling with the wallets, an excuse to duck out, am I going to have to avoid an awkward kiss... etc.

[thornz]

By spark I never meant that I instantly wanted to jump their bones...

 

I meant that I am excited to see them. The idea of another date makes me feel butterflies instead of some amount of dread. Conversation is easy, we get along well, there's some physical attraction...

 

If a first date doesn't make me at least a little excited, then the idea of a second date just sounds so awful to me. Great - another few hours of forced conversations, awkward bumbling with the wallets, an excuse to duck out, am I going to have to avoid an awkward kiss... etc.

 

Nor me, by spark I mean butterflies, thinking about them a lot, fantasising about future dates and how your relationship might develop, that giddy feeling, crushing.

 

I try and see a date as a chance to learn about somebody new and decide if there's any real hope of compatibility, do we have similar values and desires for the future, do we have any similar hobbies (other than those already discussed if you're OLD). The only thing I really need for a second date is curiosity about them to learn more and see where it leads, if anywhere.

 

Do you like meeting new people in general? Finding out about them, potentially making new friends?

[Jibralta]

By spark I never meant that I instantly wanted to jump their bones...

 

Oh. I have a different spark.

[Jabron1]

The 'spark' is merely sexual interest. It is easily engineered. I do it all the time.

 

Men take on a lot of the burden of courtship that you will probably never understand...

 

Not sure what to advise, having never been a female. But, I would suggest that you be self-aware of your 'spark'.

 

The truth is that men and women's attraction is very different. Men know full well whether they are attracted within a handful of seconds - talk of a 'spark' is ridiculous.

 

I suppose that I would advise that you give every guy at least a couple of dates to see how he fares. Don't feel guilty - it really is different for women.

 

If he throws a strop, then he's being a big baby.

[surfdiva]

I've felt that "spark" twice. Both times not looking for it or even thinking about it. The first was my husband.

 

I was at a local beach checking the surf with my dog, I noticed a tall, dark handsome guy also checking the surf. I turned to walk away but my dog pulled me fast and I fell face down on the asphalt. I look up and who is there to help me? Yup, the tall dark handsome due. I looked at him and immediately knew. We were married for 20 years

 

My advice is to just get out and enjoy yourself. When you're on a date, don't think too much about if there's a spark or not, just let it happen. Like others have said, if you feel like you'd like to meet up, then go on a second date. Sometimes it takes a couple times.

 

Good luck

[mustlovedogs]

I'm picky with my companions, both for friends and lovers. I can be acquaintances with anyone easily, but only friends if I really connect.

 

It seems silly to be to place a lower standard on my dating life.

[mustlovedogs]

The 'spark' is merely sexual interest. It is easily engineered. I do it all the time.

 

Men take on a lot of the burden of courtship that you will probably never understand...

 

Not sure what to advise, having never been a female. But, I would suggest that you be self-aware of your 'spark'.

 

The truth is that men and women's attraction is very different. Men know full well whether they are attracted within a handful of seconds - talk of a 'spark' is ridiculous.

 

I suppose that I would advise that you give every guy at least a couple of dates to see how he fares. Don't feel guilty - it really is different for women.

 

If he throws a strop, then he's being a big baby.

 

Within a couple seconds - I define that as a spark. Something is there or isn't.

[Jabron1]

Within a couple seconds - I define that as a spark. Something is there or isn't.

 

Kind of true. But guys have game.

 

My ex wasn't attracted to me in an instant (I was her - very much so You give me most girls, and I'll be able to pull them with sufficient time.

 

That doesn't work the other way around. I've been there too.

 

All I'm saying is understand your own attraction. I think you should give all guys a couple of dates.

[mustlovedogs]

I don't know. After going through this whole thread, I think one date is enough time to figure it out. I don't want it to feel forced. I don't want to get too far down the rabbit hole where someone gets feelings and the other doesn't. I don't want to waste my time (going on date after date without any butterflies is so exhausting to me). Literally, that all sounds awful.

 

No butterflies, no date 2. That's where I'm at.

 

And if I'm on the fence, sure for another date - but if I'm just meh, I'll be moving on.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't know. After going through this whole thread, I think one date is enough time to figure it out. I don't want it to feel forced. I don't want to get too far down the rabbit hole where someone gets feelings and the other doesn't. I don't want to waste my time (going on date after date without any butterflies is so exhausting to me). Literally, that all sounds awful.

 

No butterflies, no date 2. That's where I'm at.

 

And if I'm on the fence, sure for another date - but if I'm just meh, I'll be moving on.

 

Do whatcha gotta do! It's your life and your dating experience.

[thornz]

I'm picky with my companions, both for friends and lovers. I can be acquaintances with anyone easily, but only friends if I really connect.

 

It seems silly to be to place a lower standard on my dating life.

 

Then you answered your own question, you are picky. Nothing wrong with that. You should have high standards for dating, I think that's a good thing, it just appears that your pickiness with dating is based upon a feeling originating from nothing substantial rather than knowledge. It depends on what you want from your relationships and it might evolve over time.

 

The reason I asked if you like meeting new people was in the case that you didn't enjoy it then probably not any reason for you to consider a second date without a strong hormonal inclination or excitement driving you to do so.

 

How would you define connection with your friends? Do you click instantly or is it something that grows over time?

[Ms Darcy]

I agree there is nothing wrong with being picky.

 

The problem is, and this not relate to the OP, is when people start complaining about how they can't find someone. Well, yah it's hard to find Mr or Mrs knocks your socks off.

 

Actually, what's worse is when folks are in denial about how how picky they are. Because then they get in loop of frustration about not finding someone without really reflecting on the realism of what they are looking for.

[surfdiva]

You give me most girls, and I'll be able to pull them with sufficient time.

 

That doesn't work the other way around. I've been there too.

 

 

So girls don't have "game"? LOL! And how do you know it doesn't work the other way around? Maybe not for you but are you speaking for *all* men?

[Jabron1]

So girls don't have "game"? LOL! And how do you know it doesn't work the other way around? Maybe not for you but are you speaking for *all* men?

 

How many cold approaches have you made in your life? I'll compare them to mine.

 

Got game?

 

And no, 'relationship game' doesn't count. The whole of society is geared towards that. It's the default, and takes little skill.

 

Girl game? Look pretty, and keep the interaction moving.

 

Yeah, I'm speaking for all men. Guys that look for a 'spark' have already let themselves down.

 

As I've said, I've been there. Admittedly, I didn't "look for a spark" (that is sad). I gave in to a couple of girls' persistence. Didn't work well, because of what I've already mentioned.

 

I'm speaking from something called life experience - both my own, and others around me

[TMifune]

I don't know. After going through this whole thread, I think one date is enough time to figure it out. I don't want it to feel forced. I don't want to get too far down the rabbit hole where someone gets feelings and the other doesn't. I don't want to waste my time (going on date after date without any butterflies is so exhausting to me). Literally, that all sounds awful.

 

No butterflies, no date 2. That's where I'm at.

 

And if I'm on the fence, sure for another date - but if I'm just meh, I'll be moving on.

 

You have this great, big beautiful pre-frontal cortex capable of all kinds of complex reasoning and analysis, and you're going to surrender the future of one of life's most important decisions to your primitive limbic system?

 

Disclaimer: The human limbic system is considered primitive because of when it developed and it's specific functions. There are no person or persons being referred to as primitive by this comment.

[katrina1980]

 

Guys that look for a 'spark' have already let themselves down.

 

Admittedly, I didn't "look for a spark" (that is sad).

 

Don't these two statements contradict each other?

[Jabron1]

Don't these two statements contradict each other?

 

Meaning I let myself down by allowing myself to get involved with people that I wasn't feeling it with?

 

If so, I completely agree.

 

Typically they came at very bad times, when I was in a bad place. It never amounted to anything good at all - even the sex was very poor (mostly my fault).

 

I don't think any guy is at his best "looking for a spark" like a woman. It always comes from a real bad place.

 

Guys know what they want real soon. Anything else is slipping into a daft state.

[surfdiva]

Yeah, I'm speaking for all men. Guys that look for a 'spark' have already let themselves down.

 

 

LOL! But you can't speak for all men, just like I can't speak for all women

 

I'm wondering if age is a factor in here, do you mind if I ask what age range you're in? I'm in my 40's and I've been on dates with men who say they are looking for "spark" or "chemistry". I'm just wondering if things change at different times in your life?

[surfdiva]

Meaning I let myself down by allowing myself to get involved with people that I wasn't feeling it with?

 

 

Ohhhh, got it. This makes sense!

[katrina1980]

 

Meaning I let myself down by allowing myself to get involved with people that I wasn't feeling it with?

 

Typically they came at very bad times, when I was in a bad place. It never amounted to anything good at all - even the sex was very poor (mostly my fault)

 

I don't think any guy is at his best "looking for a spark" like a woman. It always comes from a real bad place.

 

Guys know what they want real soon

 

 

Agree, never a good idea to get involved with those you're not 'feeling it' with.

 

That said, wouldn't that "spark" which you described as sexual attraction (for guys) be akin to "feeling it"?

 

If so (which is what you said), then why would looking for that "spark" (sexual attraction) be a bad thing?

 

It would be good thing... otherwise you find yourself involved with people you're not 'feeling it' with (sexually attracted to).

[Jabron1]

LOL! But you can't speak for all men, just like I can't speak for all women

 

I'm wondering if age is a factor in here, do you mind if I ask what age range you're in? I'm in my 40's and I've been on dates with men who say they are looking for "spark" or "chemistry". I'm just wondering if things change at different times in your life?

 

I just turned 30.

 

And nope. The guys that you went out with sound desperate, quite frankly.

 

We can dispute whether or not guys are primarily attracted through our eyes. Then, our next debate can be whether or not the earth is flat XD

 

Do me a favour.

 

If so (which is what you said), then why would looking for that "spark" (sexual attraction) be a bad thing?

 

If a guy doesn't find a woman aesthetically pleasing, it's done.

 

Guys 'looking for a spark' are just behaving desperately, and need to get a grip.

 

Actually this spark thing is crap and females use to as an excuse with the guy isn't hot and rich.

 

It really isn't.