Dating and "the Spark"

[mustlovedogs]

I'm trying to decide how picky I am being. (Probably picky - bear with me)

 

Brief background: I never had a LTR before my ex. "Dated" one other guy for approx. one month, so I had never been in love.

 

After the first date with my ex, I knew - without a doubt - I could fall in love with him. Which, to me, was amazing. I had never been in love. But I knew. And, I was right. We lasted two years. He wasn't as emotional as me, but he said something similar. He had two other dates lined up that week after me and he cancelled both after our first date. He said he knew he didn't need to waste time with those other girls.

 

Fast forward: that first elusive spark was so powerful. I want it - it's now my basis.

 

I've gone on about 10 or 15 first dates. About half wanted second dates but I wasn't feeling it, so I politely declined. There was one guy, about 2 months ago, that I felt the same spark I felt with my ex. Instant attraction. He ghosted me, so that died.

 

I had 3 dates this week. The first guy is soooooo very obviously in to me but I don't feel it at all. Not at all. The second and third guys were nice and I would like to see them again, but no spark.

 

So: am I too picky? Is that spark a fluke? How much attraction is normal for a first date?

[Wiseman2]

You may want to go on a couple dates to see what's up. First meets a not always relaxing or reflective of chemistry.

Is that spark a fluke? How much attraction is normal for a first date?

[ThatwasThen]

How did you meet the guy you had that "spark" with? and: Are you meeting all these other guys online?

[mustlovedogs]

Spark guy was online. All these other guys are online so far. I'm starting grad school in a male dominated program very soon, so hopefully I get dates IRL more easily then.

[SherrySher]

Well, they do say that real or true love (or the whole fireworks things) only happens once in a life time, twice if you're lucky. That's probably why there are so many people in relationships that they really like one another,but it's not the fireworks thing going on. To be honest, I've only had that happen twice in my lifetime. The rest of the time I enjoyed my then partners company but it wasn't always that huge spark going on. I hate to say it, but as you get older the chances of find it get less.

I know it's a downer, but true.

[mustlovedogs]

Well, they do say that real or true love (or the whole fireworks things) only happens once in a life time, twice if you're lucky. That's probably why there are so many people in relationships that they really like one another,but it's not the fireworks thing going on. To be honest, I've only had that happen twice in my lifetime. The rest of the time I enjoyed my then partners company but it wasn't always that huge spark going on. I hate to say it, but as you get older the chances of find it get less.

I know it's a downer, but true.

 

Haha, I was scared of that. I'm still a bit worried that my ex was a great thing that we ruined.

[happpybear]

You gotta be realistic. Every guy that I have super-sparked with...turned out to be horrible, not dating material at all. So sometimes, you have to pass even when you super-spark. Just because it feels good, doesn't mean it is good. Sometimes though, you meet someone and the spark happens and they are dateable, it does happen!

 

But it can also grow, attraction can take time. If you meet a guy give it 1-3 dates to see how you feel. It took me 3 dates to feel it with my bf. I didn't feel it after the first date but decided to see him again because I found him funny and smart

[Jibralta]

Every guy that I have super-sparked with...turned out to be horrible, not dating material at all.

 

Me too. Frickin hormones.

 

When you get the spark, proceed slowly. It is rarely an indicator of True Love or A Good Thing. In fact, in my experience, it's usually been A Bad Thing. Not that I didn't keep trying, mind you. I love a good spark.

 

But yes, attraction can grow over time. And there really is a lot more to a good relationship than the spark. There's friendship, companionship, support, shared experiences, adventures. When relationships are spark-heavy, they are usually laden with drama as well. Of course, some people like that stuff.

[mustlovedogs]

I get that the spark thing can blind you to other things. It's just hard since it's all I have to compare to. I'm so bad at this! Thanks everyone

[Seraphim]

My husband and I had instant spark the second our eyes met. Still together. Sometimes it works.

[mustlovedogs]

Victoria - yay! I love that. I'm secretly a super sap and I want that soooooooo bad

[Seraphim]

Victoria - yay! I love that. I'm secretly a super sap and I want that soooooooo bad

 

I am sappy too.❤️

[Batya33]

I think the spark can come later but my litmus test was that if by the fourth date I didn't have the desire to kiss him I moved on. I once was friendly with a guy for over a year -no thought of dating him - then we went out for dinner and sparks flew -I had been around him, talked to him, many times before that -no spark.

 

Often that initial spark has nothing to do with love or compatibility -and the lack of a spark right away, same thing. I met a woman once -happily married -she didn't feel any spark until the 4th or 5th date and then, boom. Several more examples like that.

[Batya33]

Well, they do say that real or true love (or the whole fireworks things) only happens once in a life time, twice if you're lucky. That's probably why there are so many people in relationships that they really like one another,but it's not the fireworks thing going on. To be honest, I've only had that happen twice in my lifetime. The rest of the time I enjoyed my then partners company but it wasn't always that huge spark going on. I hate to say it, but as you get older the chances of find it get less.

I know it's a downer, but true.

 

I don't believe that. I do think it gets harder to find someone to marry and have a family with in one's late 30s and beyond (but I had the best luck in dating after age 35 because I was more confident and had better hair products for my frizzy hair!) . I did feel an instant spark with my husband the first time we went out for dinner after almost 8 years apart -stronger than I had felt the first time around that we dated.

[happpybear]

I think it helpfull when dating to remind yourself that the apsark is simply a biological response, chemicals and hormones which may mean that the sex would prob be really good. Not an indication of anything more substantial relationship wise

[mustlovedogs]

I'm having a hard time getting past the feeling of leading guys on. If I don't feel that instant attraction and it peters out after 2-3 dates, I've wasted their time or money or gotten their hopes up and maybe hurt them. Is it just assumed 2-3 dates is needed to feel much?

[Gary Snyder]

 

After the first date with my ex, I knew - without a doubt - I could fall in love with him. Which, to me, was amazing. I had never been in love. But I knew. And, I was right. We lasted two years. He wasn't as emotional as me, but he said something similar. He had two other dates lined up that week after me and he cancelled both after our first date. He said he knew he didn't need to waste time with those other girls.

 

Fast forward: that first elusive spark was so powerful. I want it - it's now my basis.

 

- That's the way it often goes - when you know, you know. There are a lot of undesirables on dating sites, so you might have to meet more there to find a match.

 

However, it's not always love at first sight. Sometimes love can grow over time (a couple months). You can begin a various levels of attraction, and still fall in love. I would focus on guys you want to kiss and have second dates with. You have to take dating date-by-date.

 

Also, it's possible you might be on the rebound and not ready to fall for a new guy yet (I don't know your history?).

[Wiseman2]

Not really because that's what dating is for, it's not for insta-connections.

If I don't feel that instant attraction and it peters out after 2-3 dates, I've wasted their time or money or gotten their hopes up and maybe hurt them.

[mustlovedogs]

Gary - its been almost a year? 10 months I think. I still miss him BUT I think it's more I miss that connection, so I think a new relationship would get me over the hump.

 

Wiseman - so I had 3 dates this week. The first guy I felt nothing with. The idea of a second date doesn't sound appealing really at all. The other two, no "spark" but I would like to get to know them more. Is it ok to tell the first guy I didn't feel a connection? Or am I too harshly judging him?

[Gary Snyder]

Ok, so you've been single 10 months. How long was the relationship?

 

You probably need some kind of spark at the beginning for it to be worthwhile to date a man.

 

But in contrast, if you felt a special, high level of love for a guy - love at first sight, so to speak - you would want to kiss the guy by the end of the night, and perhaps even makeout. If attraction is strong enough, some people kiss when they first meet! The later is rare though.... but it does happen.

[SherrySher]

Yes I feel it's okay to tell someone you don't feel a connection. I am all for trying it build the attraction, but in my experience I've never been able to do it all that well.

I guess I am much like you, if I don't feel something in the first few dates, it just doesn't seem to happen. I don't know if it's something that one can force. It's good to give it time and the benefit of the doubt and wait and see...but again, only speaking of my experience, it never has gone too well.

[mustlovedogs]

Gary - yes. 2 years was the relationship. I spent until about May just working up the courage to date, so I've relatively recently re entered the dating pool. I've been having fun so I think that's a good sign.

 

The guy I met in mid June was amazing. He was the first guy, since my ex, that I wanted a kiss from on the first date. Unfortunately, he was recently divorced (within 6 months) so I don't think he was ready and he ghosted me.

 

But now that I've felt that instant connection twice, it feels intentionally misleading to keep going on dates with guys that I don't feel it with.

[Wiseman2]

Lol, well no I mean if they look and smell like a warthog, then game over. And it's fine to just not waste time.

 

I was thinking more of go for a second date if you're on the fence even if they don't blow your mind right off.

The idea of a second date doesn't sound appealing really at all. The other two, no "spark" but I would like to get to know them more.

 

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[mustlovedogs]

I like that advice, Wiseman. thanks!

[Batya33]

I think it helpfull when dating to remind yourself that the apsark is simply a biological response, chemicals and hormones which may mean that the sex would prob be really good. Not an indication of anything more substantial relationship wise

 

Whether biological or otherwise I think a spark is essential to continuing to date.