It's About The Journey...

[notalady]

So I haven't written about this but J bought an apartment about a month ago and it just settled today. We're both super excited! He literally just picked up the keys half an hour ago and I'm going over to meet him there. Then I'm going to treat him to dinner at a nice restaurant to celebrate (he doesn't know yet)! It should be a good night!

[Batya33]

Congratulations to J!

[WithLove]

Congrats, J!

 

What do you think of the apartment? Is it somewhere you can imagine yourself living in the future?

[notalady]

Thanks (on behalf of J haha) Batya and WL

 

I like it! I went to the viewing with him. He kept asking me if I like it haha... he did that for all the ones he liked (there was a few). It's a two bed room, large living area, light and airy, really good location. I can definitely see myself living there in the future if he asks me to haha...

[faraday]

I was under the impression that you're hoping to continue living with your father...so is the thought that j's place will become a rental at some point while he moves in with you, or are you more open to leaving your dad?

[itsallgrand]

I was under the impression that you're hoping to continue living with your father...so is the thought that j's place will become a rental at some point while he moves in with you, or are you more open to leaving your dad?

 

Yeah I was wondering that too. And in general, what the two of you have talked about and decided as far as what you both want if things keep going so well? Is living together before marriage on the table at all? Or is all this as yet to be determined?

 

Good for him though for buying his own place on his own.

[notalady]

No I've always been very open to moving out instead of living with dad after marriage, it all depended on how open he is to living together. We didn't discuss anything formally but in a casual conversation quite a while ago about the general idea of living with parents, he seemed adamant that he wouldn't do that, so I think that's unlikely to happen. If anything changes after marriage and maybe if kids are expected, we can talk about it then, but I don't think I'll even bother bringing up the idea initially if and when we get married.

 

I had a post on the marriage discussion a few pages ago. But no, no discussion on living arrangements, but my position haven't changed from when I told him very very early on that I won't live with someone before marriage, to which he agreed and said it's not an issue for him and he doesn't need that to propose marriage. Oh during one conversation a couple months ago relating to his apartment hunting, he mentioned about if we get married and need a bigger place etc (I don't remember the details of what was talked about haha), but that's about it.

 

We did talk about if he wanted children (while we were talking about friends having kids, there's been A LOT within the last 3-4 months lol), and he said he wanted children, and we giggled for a while lol..

[WithLove]

I hardly think a 2-bedroom would be enough to contain all his clothing, lol! (I think I remember you saying he had more things than you?)

[notalady]

I hardly think a 2-bedroom would be enough to contain all his clothing, lol! (I think I remember you saying he had more things than you?)

 

Hmmm I don't think so? He lives in a one bedroom apartment now and his stuff fits just fine, he's got furnitures etc but not a lot of things and ok amount of clothes haha..

[reinventmyself]

Exciting news, NL. Enjoy hanging out in the new love nest!

[notalady]

Thanks reinvent, will do!

[itsallgrand]

Ah it makes sense now. Thanks NAL.

[notalady]

Glad it makes sense, thanks for asking IAG

[notalady]

I helped J move some stuff yesterday to his new place and came to do some more today. When I walked in the door, there was a pot of flowers on the table, I thought it was for his place, though I've never seen him keep plants in his place, I thought he might like to start at his new place. He said it was for me, for helping him move. I was like awww!

 

Isn't he the sweetest

[faraday]

Aww he likes you I'm glad he's appreciating the work you're doing for him. Moving sucks....but it's fun once everything is out away.

 

Did he need to buy furniture or did he have furniture that worked in his new place?

[notalady]

Hehe totally and always nice to be surprised

 

He has pretty much everything he needs, but might buy a new bed because the one he has is pretty old now. He also bought a new tv on sale haha.. he will need to buy an outdoor setting but his parents said they'll get him one as house warming present, isn't that nice!

[notalady]

One of my best friends from secondary school, who lives in another country, the same one whose husband was on tinder looking for "new friends", I don't know what's happened to her but she seems to be changing quite a lot lately.

 

First she changed her name (officially), after paying a Feng Shui master to get her a new name that brings her more luck (her husband did the same), I was just like what the? Now she and her husband are posting inspirational quotes on Facebook daily, the one she posted today was an anti-abortion quote about how that's killing children, which of course I don't agree with.

 

She also shared a link to the Feng Shui master's website of an article / testimony from her, of how the family had bad luck since moving into the new place a couple of years ago and how much the name change and tips from the master has changed her life in a short few months, including aiding her to lose 4kg over one and half months, of course accompanied by a before and after photo, you can easily see that the before photo was formatted wider to make her look fatter and the after photo was stretched longer to make her look thinner, it all just seems like a scam (and placebo effect) to me.

 

I used to think we have so much in common, even after years of not seeing each other, when we saw each other everything was still the same, but now I feel like I don't know her anymore, which is a shame, as I can see us growing further and further apart from here.

[Batya33]

Some people grow apart but I also have to stop myself from focusing too intensely on what someone puts on Facebook. I know it's hard when that happens -sounds like she is going through a lot of changes brought upon by turmoil.

[notalady]

J has been away since last Friday to attend his grandma's birthday, then staying for a week to go fishing with his dad and it's also his sister's birthday next weekend. So he will be flying back next Tuesday night. I was invited to both but decided not to go to either, as I don't have a lot of leave saved up being at a newish job and all and also want to save some money. I will be spending 10 days with them at Christmas anyway.

 

So I've been finding things to do to keep busy, especially on the weekend. I really enjoy doing something social on the weekend and it's hard.

 

The past weekend I caught up with a girl friend on Saturday and went to visit my mum on Sunday, so that was great. But this coming weekend I don't really have anything lined up.

 

I only really have two good girl friends, both will be busy this weekend. I have a group of friends that I catch up with once a month or couple of months (including the two girl friends), but I don't really hang out with them one on one given the rest of them are mostly guys with girlfriends. When we were all single, I used to spend time with them one on one, but now that we are all in relationships, weekends are mostly dedicated to partners and family (rightfully so of course). I guess I never really realised how small my friendship circle has become, especially how few female friends I have.

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm too picky when it comes to friendship, but when I really think about it, there isn't one female friend that I intentionally distanced from that I regret doing so. There's maybe one that I haven't seen in a long time (unintentionally) that I would've liked to keep in touch with more. Is it sad to say I feel a bit lonely with no social activities on the weekend?

 

Either way, I think it's good in a way as it made me realise that I do want to make more female friends.

 

I just started going to the gym last week, so that's been keeping me busy on week days. I feel really motivated this time. The goal this time is to get more toned, stronger and to feel good, instead of weight loss, and that feels like a more sustainable goal for me. Not that I need to lose weight but I do need to lose fat (my scale tells me I'm 26-27% fat, granted these scales aren't totally accurate, I'd still like to work on reducing that to low 20s). I went 3 times last week and plan to go at least 3 times this week, I'm already feeling more energetic and stronger, so that's going really well I think.

[Batya33]

I made new female friends in my 30s through a women's networking group - we met once a month and I started socializing with some of the women individually. I also made new friends at/through work. It's a tough balance -on the one hand, you don't want to change your friendships just because you have a boyfriend or husband and on the other hand many couple don't see their friends on their own on typical "date nights". When my husband and I were dating a single friend of mine invited me to a dinner where she only had one spot open (it was Restaurant Week) on a Saturday night. My future husband and I were seriously dating again for about 3-4 months. We were long distance so weekends were really the only time we could spend a lot of time together. She was a little surprised I declined and my husband was surprised that she asked me to come without him (she knew him and they got along very well).

On the other hand (3 hands then?) I did not like when women friends assumed they could bring their boyfriend/partner when we made a plan to get together to catch up. In most cases I didn't want to have to filter what I said because her guy was there.

 

I am in a Moms group on Facebook and I don't relate to the number of posts from women in their 20s and 30s who claim they have nothing in common with their single or childfree friends and are focused only on meeting Mom friends. That's the key I think - be as openminded as possible when it comes to relationship/family status so you don't miss out on getting to know someone just because she might be single or married with kids, etc.

[WithLove]

Only with my new group of friends have I realized that I'm being selective with friendships, and I think it's a good thing, NAL. You pick the ones that add joy to your life, not detract from it. I used to have a hard time with being friends with ladies that never seemed to be as invested in the friendship as me, and that always frustrated me. Or they were at times, but then it would wane and we'd have a falling out briefly, only to reemerge weeks or months later as if nothing happened. If I've learned anything this year, it's that those who want to be in your life will make a point to be there.

[Fudgie]

I find it really, really hard to find local friends. I play games (card, board) 1-2x a week with some people and that's fun, but no lasting friendships from that so far. I feel like a very weird in between. I am not married/childed so I don't really relate to those who have that life and I'm sure they can't relate to me either, it's okay. But I'm not a partier, I don't drink a lot, I am choosing to abstain from 420, and I don't go out to bars, and so I don't really get along with people who are really into that. Also, I have a partner so yeah, I spend a lot of free time with him when he's not working a ton.

 

It's sort of a weird in-between. I'm hoping I can meet some people when I go back to school.

[notalady]

I don't think being married or single makes a big difference in terms of being relatable, one of my two female good friends locally is married and the other one in a LDR, but I've known them since they were single and we're still friends, nothing changed. But I do think having children will change things, as it becomes a larger focus of your (general you) life. But I agree Batya, that I should keep an open mind about external things like relationship and child status.

 

I mostly focus on whether we have something in common and whether there's anything about them that really annoys me. With a few of the women I met or were friends with in the past, I've distanced from because I found we didn't have enough in common (sometimes due to difference in maturity, or difference in life stage) and some because they have traits that really annoyed me (eg venting all the time, showing off their material possessions, not listening and being self centred). I think WL hit nail on the head, if they don't add value to my life and/or detract from it, I don't see much point in keeping a friendship going.

 

At the same time, with people who don't make much effort to keep in touch or to initiate meeting up, where I'm always the one initiating, I've let them go as well. No dramas, just stopped initiating and they fell away naturally. With some of these people, it's understandable as they now have young kids and the focus has changed and have less time to allocate to friends who are not in their immediate circle. I don't blame them, but I don't see the point of initiating either.

 

One of the two female good friends, I met only two years ago at a meet up and we hit it off straight away, so that's been great. I'm thinking about going to meet ups again and make some friends there if possible. But much like dating, these things are a bit of a hit and miss.

 

Oh yesterday after posting, I messaged the friend I said I'd like to be in touch with more to see how she's going, and she responded this morning wanting to catch up, so we're having lunch this Sunday, so I'm excited about that!

 

While I "point fingers" at people who hadn't made enough effort to keep in touch as I'm not in their immediate circle, I think I need to value and make more effort myself with people who I like and get along with but are not in my immediate circle so that I'm not self selecting down to a smaller and smaller group.

[faraday]

Earlier you said something about not missing any of those friendships that you let go of....and I completely relate to that. I did a massive purge about 3 years ago....I got rid of 5 girlfriends that I had known for decades....and all of them were complainers that never did anything to change their situations. They were all high drama...it was always about them...and honestly...although I do wish them the best (and I enjoy hearing positive updates about them from mutual friends), I don't wish to have direct contact with them myself.

 

Lately I've been making friends at shows that I've been doing. Other artists that I connect with. They're on similar paths as me...and they're all massive introverts with families (meaning they don't want to take up much time- just hang out at shows and share the odd story through text- it's perfect)....

 

Anyway, I don't worry too much about making new friends....this article explains adult friendships quite well:

[notalady]

Yes, I made deliberate decisions too to be more selective with friendship and my life is more peaceful because of it. But I guess I'd just like to have more people in my Tier 1 friendship group, which is what's hard to come by.

 

There's only a handful of people I would think of confiding in, and most of them live overseas. And to be honest, I'm yet to find that one friend who I really connect with, that just gets me and see me equally at a Tier 1 friend. I have one friend like that but we rarely talk since we live in different countries and now I'm not even sure we still have the same commonality and connection (this is the friend I mentioned in a previous post that changed her name). I have another friend who I just connect with like no one else and totally gets me, I'd love to be Tier 1 friends with her, but I know I'm not, it's more like Tier 2, as we met much later in life and she already has her close knit group of friends.

 

Don't get me wrong, I confide in J and consider him my best friend in many ways, but I'd still like to have other close friends whom I can confide in and have an awesome connection with.

 

Much like dating, finding "the one" in friendship is also a challenge.