It's About The Journey...

[notalady]

This weekend I helped J build two IKEA furnitures. I didn't think I'd say this but we had so much fun and laughed so much, even with a few little hiccups, ESPECIALLY with the hiccups. We just work really well together as a team, you know. It made me smile thinking about it.

 

People say that shopping at IKEA and putting together the furnitures often cause fights and strains on the relationship. One colleague, when I said I was building IKEA furnitures with J this weekend, even said she doesn't touch anything from IKEA anymore because she and her husband both get frustrated easily with each other, so building a furniture from IKEA together would just be a fight waiting to happen.

 

I'm glad we are not like that. I feel like the more time we spend together and more things we do together, the more I feel certain about us.

[Batya33]

That's great and - hopefully this will be true for you too - all of these types of experiences can be different when the stakes are higher- for example you need the Ikea bed for your toddler to sleep in that night and you realize at the last minute the slats were not included (or you are trying to put together furniture with a toddler underfoot, etc. Of course couples might still work great together, not get stressed but I would not necessarily compare your experience with your friends' experiences -often apples and oranges. (In our case, we worked pretty well together -he does most of the handiwork but I am able to be less type A and be a good helper to him as far as getting tools/reading instructions/googling, etc.

 

(And I'm not just talking about couples with kids -just all the ways it can change if the stakes are different/higher)

[notalady]

Batya, I appreciate your offering a different angle of thinking about it, it's often helpful, but honestly, sometimes I wish you'd stop at "that's great", no "but...". You remind me of my dad sometimes, I can't share good / positive news with him, because he always somehow turns it into a lecture that essentially says "don't get too happy with yourself just yet" instead of just let me have my moment.

 

For the record, I'm very aware that experiences will likely change when stakes are higher. He likes to ask for my input when we go shopping for his home, I offer my opinion but wouldn't push it if he insists on something different, because it is his home not mine, I'm of course aware that might be different if it was our shared home and there may be conflicts because I may stand my ground more than I do now. Same goes for building furniture or anything to do with the home, I'm under no delusion that I would react the same way to some things if I was personally invested in the outcome (or as you say, the stakes are higher). I'd like to believe I will still be kind and we will still work as a team and compromise, under those circumstances.

 

However as of now, I'm mostly just appreciative that we work well together, especially with sharing tasks, and able to both take responsibility and to laugh when something goes wrong, no blaming, no one acting like the other knows less or is stupid for doing something wrong. I feel like we achieved something because of team work and we celebrated it (hugging and cheering, congratulating each other for doing a good job), it felt good. I appreciate how hard that is to come by, having dated many guys whom I didn't work well with and definitely didn't work like a team, even when it's something minute.

[Batya33]

Sorry you interpreted it in that way (and sorry if you think I'm a that's great but -perhaps see my many posts to you where I write "sounds like fun" or similar with no qualifications)-in this particular situation I disagreed with your comparison to your married friends who live together (presumably). I wish you had focused on my "that's great" part because certainly it is positive and it's precisely how you should be seeing if you two are compatible - how else can you really tell (some will say by living together -I don't particularly agree).

 

You wrote "I'm glad we are not like that" -which seemed to me an opinion that this would be true under any circumstance including being married and living together.

 

I think you most often do a great job of balancing positive feelings about the relationship with keeping your feet on the ground and without being cynical. Sounds like your dad is more cynical.

[notalady]

Well it wasn't inaccurate to say "we're not like that" to how she described she and her husband "we both get frustrated easily with each other". She's said that many times about everything to do with she and her husband (like that time J and I experienced a major plane delay, and I shared that story, she said the same thing, that they would've fought because they get frustrated and take it out on each other when under stress). I doubt that dynamic only existed after they lived together or got married. One of my ex used to do that, we didn't even live together. So I don't see what's wrong with saying we don't have that kind of dynamic.

 

Nevertheless, thank you for the positive acknowledgement

[Batya33]

I thought you were comparing her frustration over the Ikea. I understand that you 2 don't get easily frustrated with each other. Hopefully that dynamic will continue through other life situations. I agree that there is an underlying dynamic and I also think -and have seen -that it depends on the situation at hand. Like I wrote, there's a limit to how much you can test compatibility and at least some of a marital commitment requires a leap of faith.

[Fudgie]

Besides building furniture - I've found that MOVING furniture with a partner can be particularly testing, whether it's your own furniture, or you two are helping a friend move, etc. Oh boy.

 

And let's not forget massive corn mazes. There is one near me that takes 2-3 hours to finish. It's quite taxing but I like to go every year. There is always a little bickering with whoever I go with (K, or family, etc) but overall, I enjoy it.

[notalady]

Fudgie, I did help J move as well but only smaller items, luckily he got a removalist to help him move the big items like bed, fridge, couch etc.

 

I'd love to do a maze or similar kind of puzzle solving activity with J haha, I'm thinking escape rooms would be a fun one to do.

 

I don't mind a little bit of bickering as long as it's good natured, sometimes that's part of the fun you know?

[Fudgie]

Yeah, it is part of the fun, as long as it's short lived and not mean-spirited.

 

I've done escape rooms, both with other folks and with K. It's a lot of fun! I definitely recommend doing one if you have the opportunity.

[faraday]

Jay and I do not work well together on a lot of things...particularly if they are high stress. He's been helping me set up my shows...and I miss my dad. When dad and I go to set up a show, I'll say, "I want to do this first, then this, then this. I want it to look like this at the end....but this booth is different because of x, how can we work around this?" And my dad will give me 6 different ideas on how to work around things. Jay will interrupt me when I say "I want to do x first" and take over and disagree with what I want done (and I've pointed it out to him as he's doing it, and he says "I'm just trying to give you more options." Right, but I know what I want, it's my show). We end up arguing every set up. I hate it.

 

But we can paint a vaulted ceiling together...hang up complex light fixtures, build furniture together...just fine.

 

Some things work well, and others...omg, sometimes I'd rather one of us just did it. Like I just let him load the car (when we have a full load- when we moved, going to a show, going camping etc) because we do it so differently. I worked at Costco for a few years...and packing people's carts is kind of like playing Tetris...you get really good at tightly packing things. But jay never believes me...somehow when he's out of town I do all of these things without him...and some of the time, I when do it better....but it's just easier to let him do it completely. Cause...he's better to me alive. Lol.

 

Anyway, sorry to tangent lol. I'm glad that you guys work well together It would certainly make life a lot easier.

 

I've never understood the frustration with IKEA furniture. I might be the only one lol...but to me, i can just look at the parts and figure it out...I mean, I double check the instructions because I don't want to miss anything...but I like that most of the time it's Allen keys and a mallet.

 

How is his place coming together?

[Batya33]

Oh how I love "he's better to me alive".

[notalady]

Faraday, it's very true, when you have different ideas on how to do things, that's when the conflict arises. Glad you guys work it out though! I've heard it from friends various things they don't do together with their partner because they'd fight over it, eg one couple don't cook together, because they have different ways of doing it and both like to take control of the situation, even though her partner is laidback about most things, this is the one thing he's particular about. So they decided to just have one person cook at a time and the other stay out of the kitchen, and that's totally ok! As long as you get along most of the time and can share tasks where it counts, I see no problem in avoiding sharing some tasks where sharing is avoidable because it causes unnecessary conflicts.

 

J's place is coming together nicely! He's waiting for his new bed to be delivered, and we'll probably go to IKEA again to get a few shelves and things to fill up some of the empty space in his living room, other than that it's all done!

[itsallgrand]

I smiled at the IKEA story.

 

I know just what you mean too. Those kinds of experiences over time with my boyfriend - ones where we work through challenges together and things are consistently easier as a team than doing it alone, and even in stress we can bring out the good and have fun together ( most of the time! Of course it isn't perfect) are part of the reason I'm with this guy. Its just such a nice feeling, I get that.

[notalady]

Thanks IAG, it is nice isn't it good to hear you are going well with your boyfriend too!

[Silverbirch]

Lol, I remember when I was married, my husband was not great at that type of thing, and I used to do most of it, and aim not great at it also.

[notalady]

Lol, I remember when I was married, my husband was not great at that type of thing, and I used to do most of it, and aim not great at it also.

 

J and I are both not very handy, and aren't very experienced in cooking, but we have lots of fun figuring it out together, reading instructions and recipes together and dividing tasks, to me it's part of the fun.

 

Of course if someone throws their hands in the air and say "I don't know how to do this, you do it", it's just irresponsible and lazy to me. Because, well if you don't know how to do something, you figure it out and you learn, that's how you come to know how to do things, right?

[Batya33]

J and I are both not very handy, and aren't very experienced in cooking, but we have lots of fun figuring it out together, reading instructions and recipes together and dividing tasks, to me it's part of the fun.

 

Of course if someone throws their hands in the air and say "I don't know how to do this, you do it", it's just irresponsible and lazy to me. Because, well if you don't know how to do something, you figure it out and you learn, that's how you come to know how to do things, right?

 

I don't agree in general. I think it works better if each person does what he/she is good at/likes to do and reserve that "well learn" for things that happen all the time/are essential. My husband is handy at figuring out wiring, tools, etc - I am not. If I had to do that I would hire someone.

[notalady]

I don't agree in general. I think it works better if each person does what he/she is good at/likes to do and reserve that "well learn" for things that happen all the time/are essential. My husband is handy at figuring out wiring, tools, etc - I am not. If I had to do that I would hire someone.

 

That's not what I'm referring to, but never mind.

[itsallgrand]

I'm curious how your tastes in furniture etc. lined up or how you saw them differ with the decorating lady?

 

It was fun and I thought cute when we were shopping. His tastes run to the more vibrant and bold. Mine are more subdued and minimalistic. So I got my grey duvet cover and he got his splashy bright rug.

 

I know it's a bit different as you aren't mixing your living space together yet, but I bet you got a taste of what you both like and don't while shopping and setting up his place.

[notalady]

 

I know it's a bit different as you aren't mixing your living space together yet, but I bet you got a taste of what you both like and don't while shopping and setting up his place.

 

Oh absolutely, it's been quite interesting to see actually. We have similar taste in style and colours (actually sometimes we end up accidentally wearing the same coloured or styled clothes lol), there are some differences but not huge.

 

Of course being his place, he gets the final say, but I do point out what I think would look nice and he does the same, and he decides. It's usually not wildly different in terms of style. And usually it turns out looking really good, and I would tell him that, he's happy when I say that haha...

 

But if I'm skeptical about a particular item he's wanting to buy, I would say that and he would say "I know, you're always skeptical", and I just laugh and say that's true. Then he would tell me how he's made some good style choices and I would say that's true, you do have good taste. And he would joke "is that because I chose you?"

 

I like that we acknowledge each other's taste in a positive way and make it a lighthearted conversation when we're discussing differences, so I'm sure we'll work it out reasonable easily if we live together and have to pick out furnitures and styles.

[itsallgrand]

You sound like two peas of the same pod! Really happy for you that you are with someone who is such a lovely match.

[notalady]

Aww thanks, I do think that sometimes, like I can't believe how similar we are! But of course I have to remember not to expect that we'll always think in a similar way and to remind myself we will have differences and we will need to be able to deal with the differences in a healthy way.

[Batya33]

That's not what I'm referring to, but never mind.

 

Sorry - sometimes typing can be misunderstood- never mind

[notalady]

Just want to whinge. I was waiting in line at the local printing / copying counter to get passport photo taken, there are 6 people in line, myself included. I went around 11:30 am because I knew it would be busy around mid-day, not that I was in a hurry but would want to keep queuing to a minimum.

 

At ten to 12, two middle aged Chinese women came in, one of them looked like she was going to cut in line in front of the person behind me, meanwhile her friend got in line instead, so she followed. But shortly after, she went straight up to the counter and I presume asked if she could go first because she's in a hurry, because I heard the lady behind the counter tell her, sorry there's all these other people waiting. Then I heard this lady say (in Chinese) to the other lady as she's walking back into line that they can't cut the line and that they're gonna be late.

 

I thought, seriously? The audacity for you to even ask. It pisses me off when people try to cut the line, but I think I was more pissed off than usual because they were Chinese. Being Chinese myself, I've experienced way too many Chinese people (in China or fresh out of China) cutting the line. It's just so rude, I can't stand it. I guess we all have a thing or two that makes us mad that others wouldn't have much of a problem with?

 

So there I thought, here we go, it's just typical isn't it? I mean seriously, this is the type of behaviour that gives us Chinese a bad name (disorderly, don't follow the rules, think they can do whatever suits them without consideration for others).

 

Anyway since she couldn't cut the line, I was happy about that.

 

However a few minutes later, when I was second in line, they came up and asked the lady who is first in line whether they could go first, that they are in a hurry to get somewhere at 12. The lady was nice enough to let them. But this really pissed me off. I said quite loudly, seriously??

 

I don't think they heard me (or understood). But regardless, I was pissed off. Because, I'm sorry, your time is not more valuable than others. And when you fail to plan ahead and allow for enough time to get to where you need to go (ie show up early, not 10 mins before the time you're suppose to be somewhere), you need to take that responsibility and sort it out yourself, not inconvenience others (strangers) for your own poor planning.

 

I whinged to my friend (also Chinese) over text because I thought she would understand, as she had also had frustrating experiences when she was in China as people cut lines a lot.

 

But her response was, maybe they are genuinely in a hurry, and that she would've let them in front if they asked nicely.

 

I said yes they may be in a hurry, I'm not trying to figure out if they are telling the truth, it's none of my business. What I'm saying is, you don't just cut the line because you're in a hurry and failed to plan ahead. What if there are others on line who are in a hurry and chose to wait just like you're suppose to? What if there are others who saw the line and decided it's going to take too long and they need to be somewhere, so they will come back another time? It was an unfair request to everyone else who are doing the right thing.

 

She didn't get it. She said maybe they were genuine and didn't intend to cut the line, they probably felt embarrassed for asking. I said, I don't know, what did you think was going to happen when you show up here only 10 mins before 12, the time when you're suppose to be somewhere else?

 

She agreed it was poor planning but simply didn't understand my point of view.

 

I told her I would never cut the line unless it's life or death emergency (or diarrhoea lol). She said I was being too harsh and that things happen sometimes. At this point I just said ok. And she said not saying she's right though.

 

We just left it there.

 

I don't know if she's just arguing for arguing sake, or perhaps trying to present a different point of view, but I was left feeling like maybe I'm just too self-righteous. I told a few co-workers about it when I got back to the office, and they all immediately gasped when I said these two ladies attempted to cut the line by asking the lady at the counter and agreed they were rude after they heard the whole story. One of them even said that I should've said "excuse me, do you mind?!" Another colleague went on to share a story that his wife recently experienced where someone asked her if they could get in line first because they were in a hurry.

 

Well at least now I feel more like my reaction isn't abnormal lol.. but it's not so much about these women who cut the line, but that my friend didn't think it was rude that bothers me. I don't know why it bothers me. Maybe because it made me think that she's probably one of them. Maybe because it made me feel like she has a blind loyalty and patriotism to China, so she defends peoples bad behaviours and all the unfair things that go on over there (as this is not the first time she expressed an accepting view to what I consider to be unfair and unjust behaviours / events that happen in China or done by Chinese people). I'm proud of my heritage and my ethnicity and the rich history that comes with it, I'm proud to be Chinese. But I'm not proud of nor would I defend or normalise or accept poor behaviour perpetuated by Chinese because "it's normal there". I will gladly call it out if I see it.

 

I always knew this particular friend and I have some differences, we're good friends but I never considered her my best friend because I am very aware of these differences in views and values. She called me her best friend a few times before, and said she wants to be my maid of honour when I get married. I kinda felt bad that I don't feel the same way.

 

We've gotten closer recently, hanging out more than usual. But this just made me realise just how different we are, and I'm happy for her to be my good friend, but I definitely don't want her to be my "best friend", nor would I ask her to be my maid of honour. I would never say this to her because it would be too hurtful. But that's just how I feel.

[Batya33]

Of course it is rude!! World of difference if they had asked first. Rude is not normal (and yes I agree certain cultural differences can come across that way -like a woman not making eye contact with a man I guess in certain cultures) but this is beyond the pale.

 

(one time a man tried to cut in front of the customer service line at a big box store. I pushed my shopping cart right next to him so my then 3 year old would do his usual antics/loud stuff - chased him off).