Engagment is off???

[sargon]

Well, this is your opinion

 

I get where the OP is coming from...except I tell all my dates around the 2-4 date mark that I want to get married at some point and start a family. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm not saying, "I want to marry YOU." I'm stating my goal...if a man has an incompatible goal, or he has your viewpoint of marriage, I'd rather know right away rather than waste a year of my life with him before finding out he never wants to marry anyone ever.

 

I'm totally good with your approach. I see no problem with telling them at the 2-4 date mark that your goal is to get married at some point and have a family. It's not even such a bad thing to talk about during the FIRST date.

 

Contrast that with telling him within the first few months that at 6 months he's going to have to make a choice. Either he makes a marriage proposal or he gets dumped.

 

Big difference between those 2 approaches.

 

By the way my approach is early on I state that I've been married and I don't ever want to get married again because I see it as completely pointless.

 

I thought my approach was sensible, but all this feedback was making me question that lol.

 

I'm glad I'm not alone in my thinking,

 

No one is EVER alone in their thinking. You'll always find someone to agree with you.

[faraday]

Thank you for your input.

 

I thought my approach was sensible, but all this feedback was making me question that lol.

 

I'm glad I'm not alone in my thinking,

 

I think the "propose within 6 months of exclusive dating" is really fast...but you did give him the option to unexclusively date in the beginning for as long as he wanted.

 

I'm not engaged yet (saying that because who knows if my strategy will work)...I'm 32, and a single parent as well. I want to get married and have another child before I'm 35. I met my bf 1.5 years ago. I told him this all up front (on our second date actually), and then at the 6 month mark- I told him, "I really like you. A lot. I don't know if at this point you're my "the one" (because I don't know how someone knows that early), but in order for us to continue dating, I need to know that marriage and a child on my timeline is a possibility. I want you to know that if at any point, even right now, you know for sure I'm not your "the one", I want you to end things, no hard feelings, so that we can both move on and find people that match our life goals."

 

And he had a momentary freak out...where he said, "I'm so scared that I'll waste your fertile years...I'm not ready yet to say you're my "the one" but I really like you, and at this point, I can totally see myself marrying you, but I need more time."

 

I reassured him that I'm in the same boat- he's awesome! But at the 6 month mark (and us being exclusive from pretty much day one) it was just too early to know for sure. So we made a pact that we would end things if either of us had any doubt.

 

Over the next 8 months (so 14 months of dating) we had a lot of fun. We got to know each other. We talked about what living together would mean...and I told him, he can move in with us (he's a great guy, and my daughter absolutely loves him) but I wouldn't move out with him unless we were engaged. He moved in at 15 months...and 2 months ago, we bought our dream home. He hasn't proposed yet....but we had the talk about how what moving in together would mean...so he knows. And I know he gets it, because at this point, I know him quite well.

 

I have a time limit in my head...it's not something I've ever said to him...but if he doesn't propose by then, I'll be ending things. I don't need to say it because he knows I won't stick around indefinitely...and I know he isn't stringing me along....he knows how important the" kid before 35" thing is to me....and I know he'd never want to intentionally betray me by being stagnant.

 

In a year, I might be kicking myself saying, "why did I move without the proposal???" But...I don't think I will. I know I make him insanely happy...and he makes me happy...so I think marriage is in our future...but I guess we'll see

 

Dating when you have life goals (and a time crunch) is hard. It's even harder with kids.

 

I haven't read through the entire thread....and Heannaa, I'm not sure what kind of resolution you've come to...but my 2 cents...is to walk away. The trust is gone. And rightfully so- he's impulsive...and he's shown you, when things get tough, he bails.

 

I would go no contact. Have a good cry. And start over. If you're not comfortable with becoming not exclusive next time....if it's too early...explain your goal (of marriage) but don't put a deadline on it or stipulations..and evaluate what he says, and decide what you're comfortable with from there. If he wants exclusivity and you don't, you might not be compatible.

 

You're going to be okay. I'm sorry it ended like this really is better now than after marriage that you found out what kind of guy he is. Good luck moving forward.

[faraday]

I'm totally good with your approach. I see no problem with telling them at the 2-4 date mark that your goal is to get married at some point and have a family. It's not even such a bad thing to talk about during the FIRST date.

 

Contrast that with telling him within the first few months that at 6 months he's going to have to make a choice. Either he makes a marriage proposal or he gets dumped.

 

Big difference between those 2 approaches.

 

By the way my approach is early on I state that I've been married and I don't ever want to get married again because I see it as completely pointless.

 

 

 

No one is EVER alone in their thinking. You'll always find someone to agree with you.

 

I think Heannaa is taking a card from "The Rules"...that book talks about not being exclusive until a man proposes.

 

She was willing to compromise, which is great....but yeah, that compromise does seem quite rushed.

 

I think the danger of keeping your options open until the last minute is a dangerous one- because it shows a partner that you're not willing to go "in" at all until they're "all in"...and that's not how love works. How do you build emotional intimacy when you've got a date with someone else planned the next night?

 

Love is a gradual thing based on trust...and trust takes time to build. You have to see how someone handles life's ups and downs before you know whether or not you want to commit yourself to handling life's ups and downs with them forever.

 

You have to put yourself out there...you have to risk having your heart stomped on and crushed. It sucks! But that's how love works. There's no formula...you can't protect yourself from getting hurt...because if no one gets invested, how can it move forward?

[lostandhurt]

I see page after page of the OP defending her actions. On the surface she was being honest and upfront about what she wants in her life, how she went about it may not have been perfect but it certainly didn't turn this guy into a total flake.

 

She didn't coerce him into paying off her debt, she didn't tell him she wanted him to adopt her son, she didn't tell him to sell his house and have her pick out their love nest. He did all that on his own. This is a grown man that did all this and he wasn't in the throws of lust either since they hadn't even had sex yet.

 

This guy is flaky as French pastry plain and simple. One impulsive act after another is a red flag that you need to heed. He is hot and cold, impulsive, no follow through and leaps without looking which is proven with his new business venture and your relationship.

 

OP I think it is time for you to rethink this guy. Could you imagine being married to a guy like this? He is all over the place. I think you learned some valuable lessons throughout this whole thing that you can apply to the future but I would give this guy some space and go about your life a little more wiser and let your heart heal.

 

Lost

[superfan]

I agree with the other posters regarding the six month timeline discussion. There is NOTHING wrong with being marriage minded OR communicating that intention up front to a potential dating partner.

 

However, whether you want to admit it or not, you ARE giving him an ultimatum by saying "I'll date you exclusively but if we do so I walk away if you aren't ready for marriage in six months". You can say it was his choice to say yes or no to that (and it was) but ultimatums ALWAYS employ an element of choice. It doesn't make it any less of an ultimatum.

 

I get where you are coming from. When you are in your 30s, you have FAR less time than you did in your twenties (when it seemed like you had all the time in the world). But forcing a commitment NEVER works and regardless of how wholeheartedly you say he threw himself into things, the commitment was indeed forced.

 

My husband and I met while I was on vacation overseas. We spent a year just getting to know each other as friends before we even entertained the possibility of a relationship. And this was over the internet through email and MSN messenger (we're talking 2006 here lol) It wasn't until he came to visit me that we decided to date and move towards being together permanently.

 

In order to make that work we had to have a talk about marriage (or at least a permanent commitment) FAR earlier than either of us would have liked. In order to be together it literally meant one of us moving to another country to be with that person. In the end, my husband ended up selling his house, quitting his job and moving accross the Atlantic to be with me.

 

A lot of people felt we moved too fast. We were together for 2 years before we married and friends for one. We had lived together for 11 months at that point. That's longer than you and this guy and yet for me it STILL felt way too fast.

 

Fast forward to 6 years into our marriage and I look back and realize I barely knew him at that point. We have been through SO much that it feels so bizarre that we would even consider marriage.

 

Despite all of that, not ONCE did I tell him "you need to commit to moving in X number of months or I move on". I may have had an internal timeline in my head (and everybody should to avoid being used or wasting time in a relationship) but I think if I had said to him "if you don't sell your house and leave your country in 6 months to be with me it's done", he would have walked away.

 

You might not think you put pressure on him and maybe he doesn't even realize it did, but it's obvious that is what happened.

 

The relationship is over. You can't be friends after this. If he won't take the money you have offered to pay him back, then cut your losses and walk away. You are only going to torture yourself further by lingering in this mindset and thus waste your chances of finding someone who wants the same things you do.

 

Again, there is nothing wrong with being upfront about your expectations. If you start seeing a guy and after 3 months you like where it is going you absolutely SHOULD sit down with him and say "listen, I am not dating for fun. I really like you but someday I want to be married. If you don't think you can ever see marriage in your your future than we should potentially reconsider things."

 

Avoid a timeline. Keep one in your head, but don't voice it out loud. It prevents the relationship from developing organically and puts undue pressure on you both.

 

Don't expect it to happen in 6 months. That's still the honeymoon phase. Scientifically your brain is still in that "happy love zone" which generally blinds you to a lot of potential red flags (and there were quite a few here with this guy). Be wary of guys who jump in too fast and too eagerly. Again, happy love zone can make us do or say things in the heat of the moment and when we cool down and see the other person, flaws and all that can cause us to re-think.

 

Give yourself at least a year before you consider walking away or proposing (and yes by the way YOU can also propose to someone. It's 2015...we women have the vote and everything). At least then you would know where you stand and whether to walk away.

 

In the case of this guy though? Walk away.

[itsallgrand]

I agree completely Lost.

 

I also think OP needs to take responsibility for choosing to go along on his ride to the extent that she did. For every idea he proposed, she could have chosen to use the word "No".

She was half of the relationship and needs to own that.

She is as responsible as he is for setting the pace. For accepting all that he offered.

 

What bothers me here is that she doesn't seem to see that she helped craft this. And she is still defending some of her poorer choices by saying "He is just a strong man, a strong leader".

 

How can you really know that? You can't. Not yet. And even if he is, it's still not a good reason to stop being responsible for your own self. Yeah, that part really bothers me, because OP has a child.

To say on the one hand, I am financially independent and secure. And then on the other, to allow someone to pay off her debts (and defend mightly why she can't pay that back, which she can, if you really want to and see it as your responsibility to do so, and not on someone else to do it for you). She let him pay for a house for him (instead of waiting and buying a home together). She was going to quit her job to work for his business as well.

 

It honestly looks to me like she was so willing to go along with all this because he has money and has ambition and is a do-er. And she was already in the process of turning over her autonomy in exchange for being provided for.

 

Yeah, putting it all out there. I think there is an underlying expectation or desire here for marriage to mean she no longer has to take care of her own s/t.

 

I could be totally wrong. But if I'm even a smidden right, then her over riding concern isn't going to be whether or not this is a man who is healthy and really wants the commitment and children and life she has planned, it's going to be that he will do it and provide it. And so what we see as red flags, she'd actually see as positives. Someone willing to throw around the money early.

[Heannaa]

Fortunately for me, I can conduct my affairs however I see fit, but I thank you for the feedback. No one has to live my life but me.

 

I think that when the right guy walks into my life, "THE ONE" it's not going to matter what I say, or don't say, or how I say it, or when... it will just be right.

 

He continues to message me making small talk, after I told him I wanted some space of my own.

I don't understand men. Probably anymore than they understand me.

[Batya33]

Fortunately for me, I can conduct my affairs however I see fit, but I thank you for the feedback. No one has to live my life but me.

 

I think that when the right guy walks into my life, "THE ONE" it's not going to matter what I say, or don't say, or how I say it, or when... it will just be right.

 

He continues to message me making small talk, after I told him I wanted some space of my own.

I don't understand men. Probably anymore than they understand me.

 

 

I don't agree that "the one" is like a car wash as you describe it - "just being right" is because both people give to each other and compromise and communicate in a healthy way so that even if sometimes it is just a feeling, it is a feeling that is kept alive -or even revived- because of actions, not just passive feelings. Even the way you describe it as "just walking into your life" ignores your choice, your responsibility, your proactivity, both in meeting people and in becoming the right person to find the right person.

 

It has nothing to do with men. It might in this case have to do with an insta-relationship speeding along with insufficient substance/foundation.

[Heannaa]

I don't agree that "the one" is like a car wash as you describe it - "just being right" is because both people give to each other and compromise and communicate in a healthy way so that even if sometimes it is just a feeling, it is a feeling that is kept alive -or even revived- because of actions, not just passive feelings. Even the way you describe it as "just walking into your life" ignores your choice, your responsibility, your proactivity, both in meeting people and in becoming the right person to find the right person.

 

It has nothing to do with men. It might in this case have to do with an insta-relationship speeding along with insufficient substance/foundation.

 

I didn't disagree with any of that. I have been in relationships where we had great communication, great commitment, great compromise. .. but guess what at the end of the day I didn't want to marry that person.

 

As I've said before I didn't ask for advice on my approach, yet people keep trying to make me see things "their way" ... I have tried a different approach to each one of my relationships depending on circumstances and what not.

 

I never said this is what I will do as soon as I go on a date. It's a bit more complicated than that. I'm not a Stanger to relationships and I've spent many years researching them.

 

Some people don't believe in marriage, astrology, God, eating meat.. whatever. I believe when I meet the man I'm supposed to be with, it will be crystal clear to both of us. And there is no amount of argument from your end that will change that.

[Helpexpressme]

I think if you don't get back with this guy, the next guy you should probably refrain from giving him the 6 month deadline for marriage.

[Batya33]

I'm not trying to convince you just pointing out that your approach is the easy way out and often ineffective -that way you get to sit back and "wait" and assume that it will be "crystal clear" so that you don't have to lift a finger once he "walks in". It sounds romantic of course (well, not to me -I think it's far more romantic when my husband knows that I am pacing around because I can't find one of my many hair scrunchies -being understood is so romantic!!) and if you're going for romance and to be the rescued damsel in distress, go for it (or actually "wait for it" -as "go" implies active on your part).

 

Oh and I remember well that "crystal clear" time and equally remember using my head and heart to decide to get married and start a family.

[Heannaa]

I'm not trying to convince you just pointing out that your approach is the easy way out and often ineffective -that way you get to sit back and "wait" and assume that it will be "crystal clear" so that you don't have to lift a finger once he "walks in". It sounds romantic of course (well, not to me -I think it's far more romantic when my husband knows that I am pacing around because I can't find one of my many hair scrunchies -being understood is so romantic!!) and if you're going for romance and to be the rescued damsel in distress, go for it (or actually "wait for it" -as "go" implies active on your part).

 

Oh and I remember well that "crystal clear" time and equally remember using my head and heart to decide to get married and start a family.

 

 

I never said that I sit back and wait. I am very much invested in my relationships and I put in equal, if not more work than the other person, to let them know my level of commitment. I really don't understand how it got to this, as what you said doesn't really make sense in this scenario.

 

Also you are implying that I don't use my head or my heart. On what grounds can you make that assumption? It would be impossible to put every detail of our relationship nor would I want to. But I don't have to prove where my head and heart are at.

 

We were both adults and done with games and playing around. He showed me who he was and I showed him who I am, we didn't match up and didn't get married.

 

I don't see the problem. I didn't say I had a babies with him or rushed away and got married, so I don't understand how I didn't "use my head"

[Batya33]

Because you posted this:

 

"I think that when the right guy walks into my life, "THE ONE" it's not going to matter what I say, or don't say, or how I say it, or when... it will just be right."

 

Quite inconsistent with what you wrote about working on a relationship and putting in effort. IMO.

[Heannaa]

Because you posted this:

 

"I think that when the right guy walks into my life, "THE ONE" it's not going to matter what I say, or don't say, or how I say it, or when... it will just be right."

 

Quite inconsistent with what you wrote about working on a relationship and putting in effort. IMO.

 

In regards to my "6 month ultimatum" as some of you call it.

 

I realize some of you will say "then why say it at all if you believe it will happen whether or not you say it?"

 

I don't know, why do some people wet their toothbrush before the put toothpaste on, before or after, or not at all? Personal preference I guess.

 

I imagine my husband will say at our wedding "how did I know she was the one? Well she told me early on that if I wanted her I better decide quick because she wasn't waiting around. She is the sweetest most compassionate woman I know, I'm so glad I went for it"

[Batya33]

In regards to my "6 month ultimatum" as some of you call it.

 

I realize some of you will say "then why say it at all if you believe it will happen whether or not you say it?"

 

I don't know, why do some people wet their toothbrush before the put toothpaste on, before or after, or not at all? Personal preference I guess.

 

I imagine my husband will say at our wedding "how did I know she was the one? Well she told me early on that if I wanted her I better decide quick because she wasn't waiting around. She is the sweetest most compassionate woman I know, I'm so glad I went for it"

 

I wrote nothing about your 6-month comment so I'm not sure why you quoted me there.

[Helpexpressme]

In regards to my "6 month ultimatum" as some of you call it.

 

I realize some of you will say "then why say it at all if you believe it will happen whether or not you say it?"

 

I don't know, why do some people wet their toothbrush before the put toothpaste on, before or after, or not at all? Personal preference I guess.

 

I imagine my husband will say at our wedding "how did I know she was the one? Well she told me early on that if I wanted her I better decide quick because she wasn't waiting around. She is the sweetest most compassionate woman I know, I'm so glad I went for it"

 

Well you do know this is highly un-sexy to a man. I thought I'd just let you know.

[Heannaa]

Well you do know this is highly un-sexy to a man. I thought I'd just let you know.

 

To you maybe or some other men on here.

 

Looks like we won't be dating.

 

I'm not looking to appeal to every man, just the right one for me.

 

I'm also not trying to look "sexy" to men. Whether or not I am sexy to a man, based on my convictions, is the least of my concerns.

[faraday]

Sorry Heannaa if you took my posts as trying to tell you what to do. I haven't read through the whole thread...so I don't knew what's happened before my posts...but I was just trying to give you a different perspective on ways to get your point accross.

 

I will say this...I don't think many emotionally heathy men are going to stick around after the "propose within 6 months, or we end" concept, especially because you're pretty much strangers at that point. A guy can like you A LOT...but the emotionally sound men are going to look at you like...all you want is marriage. That you don't care to who. Anyone that proposes is "good enough"...I know you're not saying that...but there's a good chance that what and when you're saying it...makes it come accross like that. I know you're looking for "the one"...not just any guy....but that's not how the message comes accross...and people want to feel more special than that.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Helpexpressme]

I think if you get back together with this guy, you should be there for him with the business. I'd forget about any talk of marriage.

 

You need to let men think marriage was "their" idea. Let them propose when they are ready.

[faraday]

Before I met my bf, I met 2-6 guys a week through online dating. It was crazy. Most of them are not memorable dates (and that's usually a good thing lol. The majority of the guys that I distinctly remember scared the bejesus out me lol) but this one guy really stood out.

 

We met for a beer....I thought he was nice...but there was no chemistry. When he was talking about his life, he said, "I'm 37. I thought I would be married with kids by now. I did all the right things....I have a great job. I do wholesome activities...but I miss having someone to watch tv with. I miss having someone to do thing with. You know, I even went out and bought a big 4 bedroom house in the suburbs, thinking that..."if I build it, she will come!" And she hasn't come yet. It has a great kitchen...and a lot of yard space, she can plant a garden if she wants....it's such a nice house." And while I could totally understand his perspective....all I could think is...whoever he ends up with better like that house...because he's just waiting for a woman to come in and fill the vacancy....and she better like cooking and gardening!

 

I even like cooking and gardening. I would love a 4 bedroom house in that neighbourhood. I want to get married. But...I felt like...he was looking for someone and it didn't matter who...as long as she could fulfill the role of proper wife. *shrugs*. I'm sure he didn't mean it that way...but that's totally how it came accross to me.

 

I dated another guy, and he was the same situation....except he didn't talk about finding someone to fill the spot as wife. He was enjoying his life. He was renovating his house when I met him, the way he liked it- not the way a potential wife might. He wanted to get married and settle down...but it felt like he was looking for an equal, a partner...his "person".

 

Idk how to explain it better than that

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Heannaa]

Before I met my bf, I met 2-6 guys a week through online dating. It was crazy. Most of them are not memorable dates (and that's usually a good thing lol. The majority of the guys that I distinctly remember scared the bejesus out me lol) but this one guy really stood out.

 

We met for a beer....I thought he was nice...but there was no chemistry. When he was talking about his life, he said, "I'm 37. I thought I would be married with kids by now. I did all the right things....I have a great job. I do wholesome activities...but I miss having someone to watch tv with. I miss having someone to do thing with. You know, I even went out and bought a big 4 bedroom house in the suburbs, thinking that..."if I build it, she will come!" And she hasn't come yet. It has a great kitchen...and a lot of yard space, she can plant a garden if she wants....it's such a nice house." And while I could totally understand his perspective....all I could think is...whoever he ends up with better like that house...because he's just waiting for a woman to come in and fill the vacancy....and she better like cooking and gardening!

 

I even like cooking and gardening. I would love a 4 bedroom house in that neighbourhood. I want to get married. But...I felt like...he was looking for someone and it didn't matter who...as long as she could fulfill the role of proper wife. *shrugs*. I'm sure he didn't mean it that way...but that's totally how it came accross to me.

 

I dated another guy, and he was the same situation....except he didn't talk about finding someone to fill the spot as wife. He was enjoying his life. He was renovating his house when I met him, the way he liked it- not the way a potential wife might. He wanted to get married and settle down...but it felt like he was looking for an equal, a partner...his "person".

 

Idk how to explain it better than that

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

Thank you I appreciate you taking the time to tell me of your experiences. The last couple days is my first time on this site, and I find many people on here are judgmental and bitter, not what I was expecting for a supposed site to help "ease the pain"

 

I understand what you are saying about the situation and how he might have comprehended what I said, but he didn't have to stick around, and he didn't, which is just as well. His loss, but truthfully it is mine too.

 

That is the first time I tried that approach, typically I just date a guy for months on end, giving him my exclusivity, until he decides that he can take me or leave me... that's not a nice feeling either.

 

So this time I decided to be more assertive and let him know right up front, he is working with a limited time frame, not to be mean but to let him know my time is valuable.

 

That i am not a toy or a yo yo that he can play with however he wants. I'm not saying all men are like that but some of them are, they will do whatever you let them get away with.. women as well.

 

PS: I don't go around saying that to everyone I date and when we had that conversation it was very intimate and I said so with tender love and care. He didn't get all caught up in verbage, he could read between the lines, and knew what I was trying to say. It wasn't this grand ultimatum like everyone thinks, it was handled with much more respect than that.

[Batya33]

I think if you get back together with this guy, you should be there for him with the business. I'd forget about any talk of marriage.

 

You need to let men think marriage was "their" idea. Let them propose when they are ready.

 

I think it's essential, especially after a certain age (30-ish) to have a general discussion about life goals early on -in the first few dates - including marriage/family general goals. For me the more specific discussion can wait till it's closer to a year but in my personal experience the specific discussion happened much sooner.

[Fudgie]

I think it's essential, especially after a certain age (30-ish) to have a general discussion about life goals early on -in the first few dates - including marriage/family general goals. For me the more specific discussion can wait till it's closer to a year but in my personal experience the specific discussion happened much sooner.

 

I agree with this. I think everyone should have a general talk very early on on what their goals are, just to get it out in the open.

 

It's the 6 month bit, I don't really understand and can't forsee that going well with most guys when you put that out in the open "If we aren't making serious moves toward marriage within 6 months, I'm gone".

 

Why not let things grow naturally and keep your timeline to yourself, while making your (general) goals known in the beginning? If a man cares about you and wants to be with you and wants the same things as you, he'll make things move without a cattle prod. I don't know about you, but I would want to be with someone who is with me long term who worked with me and the relationship flourished organically, not because I told him to crap or get off the pot and he thought "Oh man, I better get a move on this or else I may lose her!". Honestly, that would make me feel awful and perhaps I would always wonder if he felt like he moved too quickly but he didn't want to risk losing me so he felt it was his best option.

[Heannaa]

I think if you get back together with this guy, you should be there for him with the business. I'd forget about any talk of marriage.

 

You need to let men think marriage was "their" idea. Let them propose when they are ready.

 

I agree with what you said. I never pressured him into marrying me. I simply gave him a time frame in which I would feel comfortable exclusively dating him, without the commitment I am looking for.

(With the right man of course)

 

I was very much there for him the entire month we have been separated, I even helped him out financially, been a shoulder he could cry on, someone to bounce ideas off of... a friend. But it began to hurt very much... pretending to be okay just being friends. I told him that I love him and care about him but I can't do the back and forth.

 

He would tell me he cared about me and wanted us to be together then he would get distant... it was frustrating for both of us.

 

He is an amazing person and I love him to pieces but right now I need to focus on releasing my feelings for him because our goals no longer align.

 

Maybe in the future we could be friends and I will be there for him, but I don't know if I would feel good seeing him date someone else. I want him to be happy more than anything but I don't think I could watch without getting hurt.

[Heannaa]

I agree with this. I think everyone should have a general talk very early on on what their goals are, just to get it out in the open.

 

It's the 6 month bit, I don't really understand and can't forsee that going well with most guys when you put that out in the open "If we aren't making serious moves toward marriage within 6 months, I'm gone".

 

Why not let things grow naturally and keep your timeline to yourself, while making your (general) goals known in the beginning? If a man cares about you and wants to be with you and wants the same things as you, he'll make things move without a cattle prod. I don't know about you, but I would want to be with someone who is with me long term who worked with me and the relationship flourished organically, not because I told him to crap or get off the pot and he thought "Oh man, I better get a move on this or else I may lose her!". Honestly, that would make me feel awful and perhaps I would always wonder if he felt like he moved too quickly but he didn't want to risk losing me so he felt it was his best option.

 

He knows my heart was in the right place, as I said, he is a brilliant man and didn't get caught up in the verbage. He decided he didn't want to marry me so he moved on. And now I can do the same, without much fallout or scars from yet another failed relationship.