Engagment is off???

[Fudgie]

Pressure-issue aside, don't you want to be with someone who does genuinely want marriage/children, the same as what you want? Why waste your time on anything else?

 

He has made his feelings on this clear. He said "I don't want to get married", not "let's wait and see".

 

You have talked before about not wanting to waste your time, so I suggest you don't. There is nothing immature about not wanting friendship with a former relationship partner. Friendship keeps you pining or wishing for something that's not there. And when/if he dates again, you will inevitably be hurt.

 

I fail to see how this is a speedbump when you two indeed want different things.

[Heannaa]

He has made his feelings on this clear. He said "I don't want to get married", not "let's wait and see".

.

 

Dagger to the heart... But you are right. It was def something along those lines.

[Stay_home]

Rush. Rush. Rush. Rush. Rush.

 

This all happened way too fast and in the future you need to slow your roll. Just because a man can pay your student loans and buy you a house doesn't mean that he's the right pick. And don't ever start a relationship that you've already given an expiration date for (six months if he decided not to marry). That is too damn early to be proposing and nothing will scare a man off faster than the discussion of marriage that early on when you still aren't comfortable farting in front of each other yet.

 

 

Best of luck.

[Heannaa]

Rush. Rush. Rush. Rush. Rush.

 

This all happened way too fast and in the future you need to slow your roll. Just because a man can pay your student loans and buy you a house doesn't mean that he's the right pick. And don't ever start a relationship that you've already given an expiration date for (six months if he decided not to marry). That is too damn early to be proposing and nothing will scare a man off faster than the discussion of marriage that early on when you still aren't comfortable farting in front of each other yet.

 

 

Best of luck.

 

Many people get engaged after 6 months and plan a wedding a year after that. That's not too fast. I didn't say we had to get married right away and he was the one pushing the wedding date. I just wanted to make sure our goals matched. I wanted the wedding to be a year and a half or more out, and he said that was too far away and wanted us to plan 6 months from our engagement.

 

If we were in our 20s what you are saying would make total sense. If we were each other's first relationship it would make sense.

 

I don't understand the fart statement. I was with my ex for 3 yrs and my sons father for 5 yrs and I still didn't feel comfortable.

 

In fact, I don't think I would ever feel comfortable "farting" in front of my romantic partner. Unless it was an accident and we both giggled about it later. But sitting around ripping em on the couch, while he sits next to me? Not my style

[Stay_home]

Many people get engaged after 6 months and plan a wedding a year after that. That's not too fast. I didn't say we had to get married right away and he was the one pushing the wedding date. I just wanted to make sure our goals matched. I wanted the wedding to be a year and a half or more out, and he said that was too far away and wanted us to plan 6 months from our engagement.

 

If we were in our 20s what you are saying would make total sense. If we were each other's first relationship it would make sense.

 

I don't understand the fart statement. I was with my ex for 3 and my sons father for 5, and I still didn't feel comfortable.

 

In fact, I don't think I would ever feel comfortable "farting" in front of my romantic partner. Unless it was an accident and we both giggled about it later. But sitting around ripping em on the couch, while he sits next to me? Not my style

 

That's your second problem, you don't like to listen.

 

At six months, you're relationship is just getting off of the ground and you're just starting to know who your partner is.

I never said anything about ripping em on the couch at free will (you missed the joke). What I'm saying is, at six months you're both still trying to put on a show and you're not yet comfortable to be yourselves as you might think.

 

Best of luck.

[Fudgie]

I think Stay_home's statement about farting was more a comment on how it may be unwise to expect a proposal/engagement only 6 months into meeting/dating someone because that's still very much the honeymoon phase. You want someone to make a clear, informed choice about marriage to you, not a hormone, emotion-fueled one that may change later when the relationship naturally cools off (end of honeymoon phase).

[Heannaa]

That's your second problem, you don't like to listen.

 

At six months, you're relationship is just getting off of the ground and you're just starting to know who your partner is.

I never said anything about ripping em on the couch at free will (you missed the joke). What I'm saying is, at six months you're both still trying to put on a show and you're not yet comfortable to be yourselves as you might think.

 

Best of luck.

 

You obviously don't listen either. Because he didn't run off scared when I told him that, he liked what I had to say and made his decisions accordingly.

 

And even men who have been in relationships for years and finally propose, still bolt when the wedding is around the corner. It has nothing to do with a "perfect time frame" and anyway I wasn't asking for advice about how I should conduct my life, from strangers. I do have self esteem. I was simply sharing my story so others can read. And maybe bounce a question or two along the way.

[Hermes]

OP. In your original post you said:

 

"Any advice would be grately appreciated thank you." (sic)

 

When you come on here and ask for advice that is what you are going to get.

[Heannaa]

I think Stay_home's statement about farting was more a comment on how it may be unwise to expect a proposal/engagement only 6 months into meeting/dating someone because that's still very much the honeymoon phase. You want someone to make a clear, informed choice about marriage to you, not a hormone, emotion-fueled one that may change later when the relationship naturally cools off (end of honeymoon phase).

 

Some people date for years and never want to get married. Just because I don't feel the need to date for years and years doesn't make it anymore wrong than someone who wants to date for 10 years before getting married. That's not the point.

 

Some people are together for years and years and years and finally marry just to End up divorced. Or stay they together.

 

Some people get engaged after six months, get married right away, and are still happily married. Or they get divorced.

 

It goes all different ways. Because trust me I have asked around.

[Heannaa]

OP. In your original post you said:

 

"Any advice would be grately appreciated thank you." (sic)

 

When you come on here and ask for advice that is what you are going to get.

 

I digress. But the same thing has been said over and over. At this point it is beating a dead horse.

 

As I have dated men for years and years and tried that approach. I still didn't know them fully. So to say that you must know someone before you marry them makes no sense. People are constantly changing and evolving.

 

Marriage is a choice. Where two people decide they want to be together and share their life together. It's a frame of mind, not some perfect timetable.

[Hermes]

"I don't know what to do. I guess when I don't know what to do, I should do nothing.

 

Yes, I would love to spend the rest of my life with him. He is such a good person and I think he just got freaked out. I know there will be problems along the way and stressful situations such as : money problems, death, sickness, and lots of other things.

 

I feel like this is just a speed bump in our relationship. But I also feel like a hypocrite because I said I would be there through good times and bad. Not "punish" him because he is stressed and needs time."

 

Where's the dead horse??!

[Fudgie]

Let's not be hyperbolic here. No one is suggesting that you date 10 years prior to marriage.

 

People are saying that expecting an engagement 6 months or sooner within knowing/dating someone is not a wise idea. Why not just make your desire for marriage/children known from the very start and go from there?

 

I've only known a couple people who have moved quickly in terms of commitment but you know what? It happened NATURALLY in their relationship. They didn't force it, they didn't have a deadline in mind like you have.

 

Pushing for commitment so early is, ironically, going to stop you from getting that commitment you want. Look at your track record.

[Hermes]

"So to say that you must know someone before you marry them makes no sense"

 

I believe that in arranged marriages there might be cases where one spouse doesn't know the other before the "day". But it is rather unusual not to know the person you are going to marry.

[Fudgie]

As I have dated men for years and years and tried that approach. I still didn't know them fully. So to say that you must know someone before you marry them makes no sense. People are constantly changing and evolving.

 

*blinks* Okay wow, uhm...

 

If you don't believe that knowing your partner prior to marriage is necessary/possible, then how do you determine who is a good partner for you? Not to be snarky, I am genuinely wondering.

 

Do you just go by their perceived ability to care for you and their (claimed) mutual desire for marriage?

 

I'm worried you're setting yourself up to be conned, big time.

[Heannaa]

"I don't know what to do. I guess when I don't know what to do, I should do nothing.

 

Yes, I would love to spend the rest of my life with him. He is such a good person and I think he just got freaked out. I know there will be problems along the way and stressful situations such as : money problems, death, sickness, and lots of other things.

 

I feel like this is just a speed bump in our relationship. But I also feel like a hypocrite because I said I would be there through good times and bad. Not "punish" him because he is stressed and needs time."

 

Where's the dead horse??!

 

Everyone keeps saying that I

"rush rush rush" I didn't ask what I could do differently in the future. Advice as in, what can I do at this point in my current situation. I can't turn back the hands of time and take back what I said.

 

And what exactly makes anyone on here marriage experts? Be it time frame, what to exactly say (so you don't scare him off *shudder*), and when the honeymoon stage is over.

 

There are some couples I know that you would swear are still in the honeymoon phase after 30 years.

 

There is no cookie cutter formula that everyone fits in. And if you guys think that. You really need to get out more.

[Hermes]

I'm wondering too, Fudgie.

 

We may be about to learn something very innovative here......

[Heannaa]

*blinks* Okay wow, uhm...

 

If you don't believe that knowing your partner prior to marriage is necessary/possible, then how do you determine who is a good partner for you? Not to be snarky, I am genuinely wondering.

 

Do you just go by their perceived ability to care for you and their (claimed) mutual desire for marriage?

 

I'm worried you're setting yourself up to be conned, big time.

 

Well first off, I don't need any one to care for me if its monetary things you are talking about. And you don't ever really know someone. That is a physical and mental impossibility. People change based on their experiences in life.

[Hermes]

And you, my dear Heanna, could learn to be less defensive towards people here (posters) who are good enough to read you and give their views.

 

We are doing our best to decipher your words......

 

What do you mean by marriage experts? I am sure many posters here (self included) are married.

[Stay_home]

You've been very fortunate to get a lot of advice on this thread and you're not listening to any of it... why even ask? Unless you learn to work on how you receive information and learn to take constructive criticism, you will continue to have difficulty finding a man. If you think you're going to go out there and start telling men around the world that they have six months to propose to you or you're going to leave, you're not going to get very far.

 

Best of luck.

[itsallgrand]

Ok, as far as your ex goes, that is where you are at. He's an ex, and he has told you where he stands, and he has given you the 'let's be friends, I care about you but I need time" bit.

So right now you are hanging around hoping he will change his mind, and haven't taken your time to process and heal that this is over, and you are wasting time.

 

Time which, you have set yourself a very very tight time frame to work with here. Three years or less to find the right person who wants to marry you, get married, get pregnant. Almost zero room for error there, or else you won't be having a child, correct?!

 

How important is having another biological child to you? I am not suggesting you give up your dreams. I am asking realistically, you may not get everything you want. Could you live with never having another biological child but having a loving husband who you are very compatible with and the relationship is great?

[Seraphim]

You SHOULD know someone as well as you can before hitching your horse to them and bringing your child along.

[Fudgie]

Well first off, I don't need any one to care for me if its monetary things you are talking about. And you don't ever really know someone. That is a physical and mental impossibility. People change based on their experiences in life.

 

Of course you can't ever TRULY know someone in the sense that you aren't in their headspace (you can't, it's an impossibility) but two people who spend time together in a loving, open, honest relationship, sharing new experiences, they can know each other really well. Yes, everyone changes over time but you will change along with your partner and you can come to understand new changes in yourself and each other.

 

Have you ever felt emotionally intimate and close with someone, and could trust in their word because you felt that you know them very well as a result of your relationship?

[Heannaa]

Let's not be hyperbolic here. No one is suggesting that you date 10 years prior to marriage.

 

People are saying that expecting an engagement 6 months or sooner within knowing/dating someone is not a wise idea. Why not just make your desire for marriage/children known from the very start and go from there?

 

I've only known a couple people who have moved quickly in terms of commitment but you know what? It happened NATURALLY in their relationship. They didn't force it, they didn't have a deadline in mind like you have.

 

Pushing for commitment so early is, ironically, going to stop you from getting that commitment you want. Look at your track record.

 

Well that was a low blow. For your information I would just recently consider myself capable of maintaing something as delicate as a marriage, which is probably why it hasn't worked out in the past.

 

Again, I don't know how you can't get this. So let me say it reallllllly slow

 

I. Didn't. Expect. A. Proposal.

 

Got it? Good.

[Stay_home]

You SHOULD know someone as well as you can before hitching your horse to them and bringing your child along.

 

yes...

 

Ka-boom!

[Fudgie]

You say you didn't expect a proposal but your thread is peppered with statements like this:

 

Many people get engaged after 6 months and plan a wedding a year after that. That's not too fast.

 

So, I apologize if myself and others seem to think that it is indeed what you're expecting, as you've said before, you don't want to date a guy for years before marriage and you see the 6 months = engagement and then wedding 1.5 years from start of dating as an acceptable dating trajectory.

 

You say you don't want future advice but you've been given it: don't be in such a rush, let a relationship develop naturally.

 

Advice for current situation: the man said he doesn't want marriage. So don't wait around, find someone who does want marriage in his future.

 

I am concerned about your statements saying that "you never really know someone" and that you've been with guys for years before and you felt like you didn't really know them. I find that sad and wonder if you've had emotional intimacy with your partners before.