Engagment is off???

[Heannaa]

I thought the problem was that he had financial problems due to his business failing. That would stress most people a LOT, and wouldn't be so certain that his change of mind had anything to do with his relationship with OP. I can understand why a person in that situation would change their mind about getting married.

 

My best friend bought a small business franchise around 2 years ago. It was what she had always wanted to do. She had just started working with it - probably only 2 weeks - and she had a type of melt-down. (she has experienced anxiety most of her life). It was so bad she was hospitalised and out on medication. She became so scared of failure that she had this type of breakdown. She was going to sell the business at a loss before she even started. I can't remember the full circumstances, but she ended up giving it a go - AND ITS BEEN A SUCCESS!! She said it's been the best thing she ever did. She's not rolling in money, but she's doing okay and the business continues to grow.

 

OP, I think you should wait a while before dating again and see how things pan out. Is there any more news about his business.

 

The last conversation we had, he said he was taking out a loan to help ease some of the financial pressure and that he would feel a lot better once that went through.

 

It is an urgent care clinic. He also stated that since the business is costing more than he thought, he would have to work his full time job and then work at the clinic on the weekends. He said with those long hours he would not be able to give me the attention and care I deserve. And that it's not fair to me.

 

I am an extremely busy woman myself with responsibilities, a full time job, a small son, and friends of my own. I think he is just feeling really extreme at this point about everything. He thinks everything is going down the drain and feels helpless. I don't know how to help him.

[Heannaa]

I thought the problem was that he had financial problems due to his business failing. That would stress most people a LOT, and wouldn't be so certain that his change of mind had anything to do with his relationship with OP. I can understand why a person in that situation would change their mind about getting married.

 

My best friend bought a small business franchise around 2 years ago. It was what she had always wanted to do. She had just started working with it - probably only 2 weeks - and she had a type of melt-down. (she has experienced anxiety most of her life). It was so bad she was hospitalised and out on medication. She became so scared of failure that she had this type of breakdown. She was going to sell the business at a loss before she even started. I can't remember the full circumstances, but she ended up giving it a go - AND ITS BEEN A SUCCESS!! She said it's been the best thing she ever did. She's not rolling in money, but she's doing okay and the business continues to grow.

 

OP, I think you should wait a while before dating again and see how things pan out. Is there any more news about his business.

 

Business is not failing. He is in the process of starting one. Very ambitious

[boltnrun]

Are you OK with the marriage being back on, but not taking place for several years?

[Heannaa]

Are you OK with the marriage being back on, but not taking place for several years?

 

2 years, maybe. Several, implying more than 3 or 4? No.

 

I would like to have one more child, and he wants children as well. Our timeline wouldn't match up. I don't want to have children past 35 (no offense to anyone who does) that's just my personal preference. So I guess in that situation we wouldn't be compatible.

[boltnrun]

2 years, maybe. Several, implying more than 3 or 4? No.

 

I would like to have one more child, and he wants children as well. Our timeline wouldn't match up. I don't want to have children past 35 (no offense to anyone who does) that's just my personal preference. So I guess in that situation we wouldn't be compatible.

 

So if he told you to give him 3 years to get the business on solid ground, that would be a no go?

 

If so, that could be why there may be a perception that you don't necessarily love him, you just want "Husband".

 

And I don't know you, so I don't presume to know your mind or your feelings.

 

Could you consider having another child outside of being married? Is a child or marriage the priority? Could you do one without the other and be OK with that?

[Heannaa]

So if he told you to give him 3 years to get the business on solid ground, that would be a no go?

 

If so, that could be why there may be a perception that you don't necessarily love him, you just want "Husband".

 

And I don't know you, so I don't presume to know your mind or your feelings.

 

Could you consider having another child outside of being married? Is a child or marriage the priority? Could you do one without the other and be OK with that?

 

That is a lot of speculation. Of course if he came to me and expressed these feelings I would be more than happy to explore them with him and come to a decision that suits us as a family, absolutely.

 

What I would be scared of is that it would take him almost 4 years to decide if he wanted to marry me or not and at the last minute he could bail, and there would be nothing I could do to get those years back.

[Heannaa]

So if he told you to give him 3 years to get the business on solid ground, that would be a no go?

 

If so, that could be why there may be a perception that you don't necessarily love him, you just want "Husband".

 

And I don't know you, so I don't presume to know your mind or your feelings.

 

Could you consider having another child outside of being married? Is a child or marriage the priority? Could you do one without the other and be OK with that?

 

I do love him. Very much. But as I said before, he has to love me too. And respect my life plan as well. I have a very solid career, our livelyhood wouldn't be based on whether or not the business got off the ground. I think he just wanted to open a business to say he did. He makes a fabulous living doing what he does, this business wasn't for him to transition it was more of a hobby.

[Heannaa]

So if he told you to give him 3 years to get the business on solid ground, that would be a no go?

 

If so, that could be why there may be a perception that you don't necessarily love him, you just want "Husband".

 

And I don't know you, so I don't presume to know your mind or your feelings.

 

Could you consider having another child outside of being married? Is a child or marriage the priority? Could you do one without the other and be OK with that?

 

 

I would like my next child to be born in wedlock.

 

Not to take anything away from my son, as he is the most amazing person I have ever met. My reason for living. But I would like to see how it is to bring a child into a wedded home.

[Helpexpressme]

You too can have a baby outside of marriage. Your doing fine with the child you have without marriage.

[Heannaa]

You too can have a baby outside of marriage. Your doing fine with the child you have without marriage.

 

Of course I realize that

[faraday]

You too can have a baby outside of marriage. Your doing fine with the child you have without marriage.

 

Do you have a child? One out of wedlock?

[Heannaa]

Do you have a child? One out of wedlock?

 

Yes, I have a son. His father didn't want to get married and neither did I when we wanted to start a family. But during the pregnancy my feelings changed and I wanted to get married but he didnt. I am glad now that he taliked me out of it. As we were far too young to get married. Or have a child for that matter. But my son was a blessing from God, he gave me the kick in the pants I needed to get out there and make something of myself. I am grateful

[boltnrun]

I would like my next child to be born in wedlock.

 

Not to take anything away from my son, as he is the most amazing person I have ever met. My reason for living. But I would like to see how it is to bring a child into a wedded home.

 

I'm sure I must be misunderstanding.

 

You want to have another child so you can see how it is to bring a child into a "wedded home"?

 

Seems like an odd reason to have a child. Or to get married.

[Helpexpressme]

She's talking to me. No I don't have any children.

 

Are you going to tell me off.

[Heannaa]

I'm sure I must be misunderstanding.

 

You want to have another child so you can see how it is to bring a child into a "wedded home"?

 

Seems like an odd reason to have a child. Or to get married.

 

You are picking my words apart. You asked if I would be ok having a child without getting married. The answer to that question is no.

[Heannaa]

She's talking to me. No I don't have any children.

 

Are you going to tell me off.

 

Oh I see what happened. If you are trolling, do it elsewhere

[Heannaa]

It's not as asinine to want to get married before you have a child. Even if it is your second one.

[Heannaa]

I'm sure I must be misunderstanding.

 

You want to have another child so you can see how it is to bring a child into a "wedded home"?

 

Seems like an odd reason to have a child. Or to get married.

 

People get married to start families. Why is that an odd reason

[boltnrun]

"I love you and want to marry you and have a family with you."

 

Vs:

 

"I want to be married so I can have a child in a wedded home."

 

Again, I don't know you so I don't know your feelings.

 

I just thought your choice of words was interesting.

[Heannaa]

"I love you and want to marry you and have a family with you."

 

Vs:

 

"I want to be married so I can have a child in a wedded home."

 

Again, I don't know you so I don't know your feelings.

 

I just thought your choice of words was interesting.

 

You made it seem like I had to choose having a child early because my hypothetical fiance wants to wait years and years before committing to marriage but will be more than happy to knock me up next week, because clearly that's the more well thought out decision.

 

Your words don't make any sense.

[faraday]

She's talking to me. No I don't have any children.

 

Are you going to tell me off.

 

Yes, kind of. You don't know what it's like...so don't say "it's the same." It's not. Yes, it's a child...a loved child...no matter what.

 

But having a different last name than your child sucks. It sucks when I get called "Mrs my-daughters-fathers-last-name"...it sucks that because we have different last names, either of us need court documentation just to take her on vacation...even when we were still a couple.

 

Being pregnant and not being married...felt like a failure to me...because she was unplanned- and that felt trashy. It's a stigma. Even though her dad proposed when he found out I was pregnant...it wasn't right. He would have never though to propose without the family pressure to "make it right"...and really, next time, I want to be with someone who chooses me. Who wants to stand before our friends and family and promise to share the rest of his life with me....without the prompting of outside forces. I believe marriage is forever...so if a man isn't willing to marry me, I'm not interested in having a child with him- he clearly doesn't see me as someone worthy of committing to. I want to grow my family. Not have kids with however is the flavour of the week.

 

 

Just because you don't think it's a big deal (the guy who doesn't have a kid) doesn't make wanting to be married first any less relevant.

[Heannaa]

So if he told you to give him 3 years to get the business on solid ground, that would be a no go?

 

If so, that could be why there may be a perception that you don't necessarily love him, you just want "Husband".

 

And I don't know you, so I don't presume to know your mind or your feelings.

 

Could you consider having another child outside of being married? Is a child or marriage the priority? Could you do one without the other and be OK with that?

 

Just because I won't give up on something I want in life, marriage and a family, doesn't mean I don't love him. I just love me more. At the end of the day, I'm the one I have to answer to, not him. And I might resent him if my chance to get married and have a family got passed by while I was patiently spinning my wheels waiting for him to decide.

[Heannaa]

Yes, kind of. You don't know what it's like...so don't say "it's the same." It's not. Yes, it's a child...a loved child...no matter what.

 

But having a different last name than your child sucks. It sucks when I get called "Mrs my-daughters-fathers-last-name"...it sucks that because we have different last names, either of us need court documentation just to take her on vacation...even when we were still a couple.

 

Being pregnant and not being married...felt like a failure to me...because she was unplanned- and that felt trashy. It's a stigma. Even though her dad proposed when he found out I was pregnant...it wasn't right. He would have never though to propose without the family pressure to "make it right"...and really, next time, I want to be with someone who chooses me. Who wants to stand before our friends and family and promise to share the rest of his life with me. I believe marriage is forever...so if a man isn't willing to marry me, I'm not interested in having a child with him- he clearly doesn't see me as someone worthy of committing to. I want to grow my family. Not have kids with however is the flavour of the week.

 

 

Just because you don't think it's a big deal (the guy who doesn't have a kid) doesn't make wanting to be married first any less relevant.

 

Thank you Jesus. Put more eloquently than I ever could.

[abitbroken]

I see nothing wrong with her saying that she would not have another child unless it was in a wedded home. You can argue semantics, but its a wise idea.

 

You too can have a baby outside of marriage. Your doing fine with the child you have without marriage.

 

I think its a bad idea to want to have a baby before marriage because then you are tied to a guy who may or may not stick. Sure, there are times when there is an oops, but a "planned" out of wedlock child is definitely not something to strive for - its not easy on the child or anyone else.

 

 

========================

OP, I really understand that all of the sudden the pressure was too high. My boyfriend knew at a certain point early on that he wanted to marry me, but over the interceding years, he would go between wanting to marry me tomorrow (wouldn't it be nice if the next time we went to this annual party, you would be my wife, etc.) and dragging his feet. It is easy to want to marry someone within the first 6 months - be high on new love, get swept up in it, but then reality hits you - whether its learning new information about the person, or coming up to decisions where you can't imagine making them "married." Interestingly enough, my bf would talk about it, but not move forward - and I felt like a yo yo, but then when he got really really serious, I started getting cold feet - as far as I am so used to being in my zone as the waity girlfriend - the one that was great at having 6-8 year relationships with nothing really moving forward. But the fact of the matter is if we had jumped into something right away - it may have worked out fine, but then again - I am very thankful that we didn't get married early on because there is so much that surfaces to work through - the first cycle of Christmas and other major holidays, the deaths or marriages or births of family members, etc., brings out a lot about people.

 

Its nice that you want to date him, but I caution you to not "be friends." I think that you should not contact him at all - let him do the contacting for awhile. Or make the determination that you are not going to speak to eachother for a few months and that when he wants a relationship he contacts you. And in the meantime, get on with your life. You don't want him to accept the situation solely on his terms. Time will tell if he got scared and still wants to marry you at some point, whether he does not want to get married at all or is a commitment phobe (just because he doesn't want to get married at this point or because he ran doesn't necessarily make him commitment phobic. Most guys would balk at marriage in 6 months unless they are abusive or young and naive. It might be a "hey, what am i doing?")

 

Where are you living now? Are you still in your apartment - or did you get out of your lease to move to your home with him and are now scrambling? That would be uncool.

 

If you want to get married - don't give up - it just may not be to him. And if you find someone else that is right for you, don't tell him that marriage has to be in 6 months. Just make sure you both are clear up front that you are dating to find the right match, that your goal is to find someone who is interested in marriage and having a child.

If you find out that you want the same things, then you have to let it go and just observe the relationship and spend the next six months determining yourself if you want to continue in a relationship with that person. If you both want the same things, things will unfold a little more naturally. After all, you want to grow a relationship for life and not just until the kids are grown.

[Heannaa]

I see nothing wrong with her saying that she would not have another child unless it was in a wedded home. You can argue semantics, but its a wise idea.

 

 

 

I think its a bad idea to want to have a baby before marriage because then you are tied to a guy who may or may not stick. Sure, there are times when there is an oops, but a "planned" out of wedlock child is definitely not something to strive for - its not easy on the child or anyone else.

 

 

========================

OP, I really understand that all of the sudden the pressure was too high. My boyfriend knew at a certain point early on that he wanted to marry me, but over the interceding years, he would go between wanting to marry me tomorrow (wouldn't it be nice if the next time we went to this annual party, you would be my wife, etc.) and dragging his feet. It is easy to want to marry someone within the first 6 months - be high on new love, get swept up in it, but then reality hits you - whether its learning new information about the person, or coming up to decisions where you can't imagine making them "married." Interestingly enough, my bf would talk about it, but not move forward - and I felt like a yo yo, but then when he got really really serious, I started getting cold feet - as far as I am so used to being in my zone as the waity girlfriend - the one that was great at having 6-8 year relationships with nothing really moving forward. But the fact of the matter is if we had jumped into something right away - it may have worked out fine, but then again - I am very thankful that we didn't get married early on because there is so much that surfaces to work through - the first cycle of Christmas and other major holidays, the deaths or marriages or births of family members, etc., brings out a lot about people.

 

Its nice that you want to date him, but I caution you to not "be friends." I think that you should not contact him at all - let him do the contacting for awhile. Or make the determination that you are not going to speak to eachother for a few months and that when he wants a relationship he contacts you. And in the meantime, get on with your life. You don't want him to accept the situation solely on his terms. Time will tell if he got scared and still wants to marry you at some point, whether he does not want to get married at all or is a commitment phobe (just because he doesn't want to get married at this point or because he ran doesn't necessarily make him commitment phobic. Most guys would balk at marriage in 6 months unless they are abusive or young and naive. It might be a "hey, what am i doing?")

 

Where are you living now? Are you still in your apartment - or did you get out of your lease to move to your home with him and are now scrambling? That would be uncool.

 

If you want to get married - don't give up - it just may not be to him. And if you find someone else that is right for you, don't tell him that marriage has to be in 6 months. Just make sure you both are clear up front that you are dating to find the right match, that your goal is to find someone who is interested in marriage and having a child.

If you find out that you want the same things, then you have to let it go and just observe the relationship and spend the next six months determining yourself if you want to continue in a relationship with that person. If you both want the same things, things will unfold a little more naturally. After all, you want to grow a relationship for life and not just until the kids are grown.

 

 

Thank you. I agree with everything you said. Over the last couple days I've thought about it and wondered if I should have just dated him and kept the timeline in my head. I feel bad and didn't mean to cause him pain or make him feel pressure/stress, that's the last thing I ever want. I know it's too late to go back now.

 

I miss his presence in my life. Even though it's only been a few days. I know he would be more than happy having a friendship and part of me feels immature because I am not able/willing to carry that out.

 

I don't want to be selfish by saying "either we are in a relationship or I want nothing to do with you" . I am worried because we are already so disconnected, my further disconnection, by taking a "step back" will completely sever the last tie we have to each other. Our friendship.

 

Luckily all of this happened a few weeks before we were supposed to move in together, so luckily I was able to keep my apartment. I appreciate him for that.

 

When we were in contact I told myself that I needed to remove myself from this situation if I ever hoped for us to have a happily ever after.

 

Now that we are not speaking, I feel like this is the wrong approach. As I am doing exactly what he did... Now I'm stressed and pushing him out of my life. *sigh*

 

I'm so torn. Especially now that the holidays are coming up, I would love to look at Christmas things together and take my son trick or treating with him.

 

I don't know what to do. I guess when I don't know what to do, I should do nothing.

 

Yes, I would love to spend the rest of my life with him. He is such a good person and I think he just got freaked out. I know there will be problems along the way and stressful situations such as : money problems, death, sickness, and lots of other things.

 

I feel like this is just a speed bump in our relationship. But I also feel like a hypocrite because I said I would be there through good times and bad. Not "punish" him because he is stressed and needs time.