Engagment is off???

[Heannaa]

OP, You should really read up and study on relationships. 5 love languages is a good start.

 

6 months in, you shouldn't even be introducing a man to your child.......forget about moving in etc. Read up and learn on Honeymoon Phase. Take time to get to know the person. DO NOT get intimate, that will only make you blind and force you to miss the red flags.

 

Date them, spend time with them and WATCH THEM. You are getting to know the person WELL.

 

Also, remember, ANY male presence = father figure for your child. YOu never EVER EVER introduce your child to a man you do not know and only when relationship is SOLID and at least 6 months -1 year in. You BETTER invest time and find out if the person is a father material for your son or you are doing them dis service.

 

And now, you have to explain to your child why "father figure" is gone. Child WILL suffer. Don't do that.

 

Do NOT allow anyone into your life or your child's life easily.

 

 

That's another reason why I told him that I wanted to get married. I didn't introduce him to my son until we started making long term plans. He was different than everyone else. And we were not intimate, we both wanted to wait until our wedding day. He is a smart man and has made a strong life for himself. He said he was ready to share it with someone and he loved me to pieces.

 

I am not heartless! Of course I offered to pay him back!! I didn't even want to accept the money. We discussed it several times. Everytime I told him I couldn't accept such a wonderful gift. He persisted that it would be smart to start our marriage off without that debt.

 

I still offer to pay him back almost weekly and he wont have any of it. Apart from physically going up to him and placing it in his hand, I don't know what else to do.

[Heannaa]

OP, You should really read up and study on relationships. 5 love languages is a good start.

 

6 months in, you shouldn't even be introducing a man to your child.......forget about moving in etc. Read up and learn on Honeymoon Phase. Take time to get to know the person. DO NOT get intimate, that will only make you blind and force you to miss the red flags.

 

Date them, spend time with them and WATCH THEM. You are getting to know the person WELL.

 

Also, remember, ANY male presence = father figure for your child. YOu never EVER EVER introduce your child to a man you do not know and only when relationship is SOLID and at least 6 months -1 year in. You BETTER invest time and find out if the person is a father material for your son or you are doing them dis service.

 

And now, you have to explain to your child why "father figure" is gone. Child WILL suffer. Don't do that.

 

Do NOT allow anyone into your life or your child's life easily.

 

 

I have read that book.

[dias]

That's another reason why I told him that I wanted to get married. I didn't introduce him to my son until we started making long term plans. He was different than everyone else. And we were not intimate, we both wanted to wait until our wedding day. He is a smart man and has made a strong life for himself. He said he was ready to share it with someone and he loved me to pieces.

 

I am not heartless! Of course I offered to pay him back!! I didn't even want to accept the money. We discussed it several times. Everytime I told him I couldn't accept such a wonderful gift. He persisted that it would be smart to start our marriage off without that debt.

 

I still offer to pay him back almost weekly and he wont have any of it. Apart from physically going up to him and placing it in his hand, I don't know what else to do.

So you didn't have sex yet?

Send the money to his bank account. I think that he is the kind of person greta96 described .

[Heannaa]

Well I guess the common ground here is that he completely pulled a fast one. He seemed different than the other men I have dated who can hardly get out of their own way... He actually knew what he wanted and went for it full force. I also has a stable life, strong career, and good family values. I thought we matched up perfectly.

 

I guess I was hoping that maybe this new financial burden has forced him to introvert, because he is not used to feeling like this. Money is not that important to me. Not more important than my family and relationships. But some people tell me that men are different in that regard.

[Heannaa]

So you didn't have sex yet?

Send the money to his bank account. I think that he is the kind of person greta96 described .

 

No we did not have sex. I do not have his bank account info.

[dias]

Well I guess the common ground here is that he completely pulled a fast one. He seemed different than the other men I have dated who can hardly get out of their own way... He actually knew what he wanted and went for it full force. I also has a stable life, strong career, and good family values. I thought we matched up perfectly.

 

I guess I was hoping that maybe this new financial burden has forced him to introvert, because he is not used to feeling like this. Money is not that important to me. Not more important than my family and relationships. But some people tell me that men are different in that regard.

Generalities. Greed has nothing to do with gender.

[Fudgie]

I understand his appeal, especially if you've mostly found non-committal men, but there is a big difference between knowing what you want and going for it and just being insane about it. Yes, it's good to discuss generally what you're looking for in a relationship, if you're someone who maybe wants to be married in the future, things like that. Buying a house and him paying off your debt so quickly is a screaming, elephant-sized red flag.

 

People who introduce their children to a new SO will discuss long term plans, yes, but they also give it TIME, which you didn't do either. Only over time can you truly get to know someone.

[lilygirl]

Ok, so hindsight is 20/20. Perhaps things moved too quickly but getting caught up in the whirlwind of love/romance happens to many of us, sometimes to our detriment, but sometimes it works out too, this love stuff is risky business. I think the real issue is that he has hit a big bump in the road with this new business/money/stress, and now you are witnessing how he copes, and he can't, so you are getting pushed out.

 

I think it is time for you to step out now. You can tell him how you feel, that you cannot be friends and that this waffling about in middle ground is too painful. And then you turn the focus on to you and your family. I know this isn't easy, it is so, so hard, but if this is how he manages stress, by pushing you away, you don't really have a choice here because if you push back it will all blow up.

 

In time, you may realize that you could not marry someone who reacts to stress in this manner and take comfort in the fact that in walking away you have done what is best for you and your family.

[Heannaa]

Ok, so hindsight is 20/20. Perhaps things moved too quickly but getting caught up in the whirlwind of love/romance happens to many of us, sometimes to our detriment, but sometimes it works out. I think the real issue is that he has hit a big bump in the road with this new business/money/stress, and now you are witnessing how he copes, and he can't, so you are getting pushed out.

 

I think it is time for you to step out now. You can tell him how you feel, that you cannot be friends and that this waffling about in middle ground is too painful. And then you turn the focus on to you and your family. I know this isn't easy, it is so, so hard, but if this is how he manages stress, by pushing you away, you don't really have a choice here because if you push back it will all blow up.

 

In time, you may realize that you could not marry someone who reacts to stress in this manner and take comfort in the fact that in walking away you have done what is best for you and your family.

 

Thank you. That is what I have come up with. Its hard to see him struggle and I have tried being there for him. He wants me one minute, pushes me away the next. He even admitted doing that to me, but I guess he doesn't know how to stop.

 

It is heartbreaking for me because I know he needs a friend and probably feels all alone. I feel like a crappy person for not being strong enough to help him, but my heart breaks on a continual basis when he pushes me away. He relieved such a financial burden for me and my young son that I cannot even begin to thank him for. But I don't know how to be there for him without getting hurt at the same time. As my sons father does not help at all.

 

I am far from perfect... I guess its all what you are willing to put up with.

[sargon]

I told him that I want to get married and have a family so I would agree to date him exclusively for 6 months and if we were not on the same page regarding marriage, we would go our separate ways.

 

This is terrible. If a woman said this to me I'd kick her to the curb immediately. Talk about forcing the issue. It's an ultimatum with a deadline. That is a horrible position to put a man in that you only know a few short months.

 

I know other posters have said the same thing, and your response is very telling. "I know what I want for my life". You want to rush into a marriage after a short period of barely getting to know someone. You don't know someone after 6 months. You only think you do. You already have another man's child, what happened with him? When you met him I bet after a few short months he'd still be in your life at this point. Learn from your mistakes, or keep repeating them.

 

Anyway no wonder he bolted on you. If you hadn't put the heat on, maybe he'd still be in this thing. I bet it just finally hit him that he was being pressured to do something he understandably was not in any way ready for.

[Heannaa]

This is terrible. If a woman said this to me I'd kick her to the curb immediately. Talk about forcing the issue. It's an ultimatum with a deadline. That is a horrible position to put a man in that you only know a few short months.

 

I know other posters have said the same thing, and your response is very telling. "I know what I want for my life". You want to rush into a marriage after a short period of barely getting to know someone. You don't know someone after 6 months. You only think you do. You already have another man's child, what happened with him? When you met him I bet after a few short months he'd still be in your life at this point. Learn from your mistakes, or keep repeating them.

 

Anyway no wonder he bolted on you. If you hadn't put the heat on, maybe he'd still be in this thing. I bet it just finally hit him that he was being pressured to do something he understandably was not in any way ready for.

 

He didn't have to stay then. Or propose. Or buy us a home. Or say he wanted to adopt my son. Or pay off my debt. That was all him. I said we could continue to date, I just said that I would begin dating others again. Because the more time I invest the harder it is to walk away. And men can date forever and waste a womans time. They are on no timetable. Women only have a small window to start a family. Some women don't want that. You wouldn't get mad at a woman, if they told you up front that they don't want to ever get married. Its the same thing. Being with someone for a year and just then broaching the subject is more detrimental, because now that's a year lost on someone that doesn't have the same goals as you.

[Heannaa]

This is terrible. If a woman said this to me I'd kick her to the curb immediately. Talk about forcing the issue. It's an ultimatum with a deadline. That is a horrible position to put a man in that you only know a few short months.

 

I know other posters have said the same thing, and your response is very telling. "I know what I want for my life". You want to rush into a marriage after a short period of barely getting to know someone. You don't know someone after 6 months. You only think you do. You already have another man's child, what happened with him? When you met him I bet after a few short months he'd still be in your life at this point. Learn from your mistakes, or keep repeating them.

 

Anyway no wonder he bolted on you. If you hadn't put the heat on, maybe he'd still be in this thing. I bet it just finally hit him that he was being pressured to do something he understandably was not in any way ready for.

 

He is a 35 year old man and said he was ready for everything we talked about. I didn't want to date exclusively. I told him that I wanted to date around until I found the commitment I was looking for. He pushed for exclusivity and those were the terms of my surrender. I didn't have to date him exclusively and he didn't have to marry me. Its the same thing.

[sargon]

Good luck going forward with your strategy of being upfront and expecting a proposal within 6 months of meeting the next guy.

 

My guess, is that like this guy who is soon to be your ex, is that you'll lose a few good possibilities on the way because they won't respond to that sort of pressure in a positive way. Or they will at first, and then buckle under the pressure like this last guy did.

[Heannaa]

This is terrible. If a woman said this to me I'd kick her to the curb immediately. Talk about forcing the issue. It's an ultimatum with a deadline. That is a horrible position to put a man in that you only know a few short months.

 

I know other posters have said the same thing, and your response is very telling. "I know what I want for my life". You want to rush into a marriage after a short period of barely getting to know someone. You don't know someone after 6 months. You only think you do. You already have another man's child, what happened with him? When you met him I bet after a few short months he'd still be in your life at this point. Learn from your mistakes, or keep repeating them.

 

Anyway no wonder he bolted on you. If you hadn't put the heat on, maybe he'd still be in this thing. I bet it just finally hit him that he was being pressured to do something he understandably was not in any way ready for.

 

I was with my sons father for 5 years and he didn't want to get married until I walked away. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. So now I don't want someone to realize after I walk away so that's why I bring it up in the first few months. I cant be the only one that wants to get married and doesn't have to spend years getting to know someone before hand. Anyways you still don't know someone after years, people can still surprise you. Some people don't want to get married but some people do. It doesn't make me a bad person or some kind of freak. I have everything in life except a partner to share it with. that's my final goal. How does that make me any worse than someone who wants to be single forever?

[Heannaa]

Good luck going forward with your strategy of being upfront and expecting a proposal within 6 months of meeting the next guy.

 

My guess, is that like this guy who is soon to be your ex, is that you'll lose a few good possibilities on the way because they won't respond to that sort of pressure in a positive way.

 

I didn't pressure him at all. I just told him what I wanted. and since he didn't know me he could either A) continue to date me and get to know me for a few months. or B) see it as an ultimatum and pressure or whatever else and bail.

 

I didn't expect a proposal... you are not comprehending. I told him that I would date him exclusively for 6 months. there is nothing wrong with me having a timetable myself. If it was so much pressure why go through with the proposal? He didn't know me for very long. He could've just said he didn't feel the same way.

 

I don't see how that's an ultimatum

[Heannaa]

Good luck going forward with your strategy of being upfront and expecting a proposal within 6 months of meeting the next guy.

 

My guess, is that like this guy who is soon to be your ex, is that you'll lose a few good possibilities on the way because they won't respond to that sort of pressure in a positive way. Or they will at first, and then buckle under the pressure like this last guy did.

 

 

I never once brought up marriage after that point. Everything else was done on his own accord. Like picking the wedding date, venue, colors, and everything. He was completely leading.

 

No pressure from me at all.

[sargon]

Its rather unusual to talk about marriage and put a deadline/timeframe on when you'll decide to do it, with a person you've known only a few months.

 

Even if your goal is marriage, it's completely senseless to bring it up to a guy after a few months and say "this is my plan, and you'll either follow it or I'm moving on".

 

You're only shooting yourself in the foot with that sort of approach. You'll scare away all the good ones.

 

What's the big deal about getting married anyway? At least half of marriages fail, more and more people live together without getting marriage, the whole concept of marriage is an outdated, artificial, largely failed concept. You already have a child, there's over population in the world as it is. Why can't you just be happy with meeting a guy and seeing how things go without having this preconceived notion that you must marry again and bring more children into the world?

[sargon]

I didn't pressure him at all. I just told him what I wanted. and since he didn't know me he could either A) continue to date me and get to know me for a few months. or B) see it as an ultimatum and pressure or whatever else and bail.

 

I didn't expect a proposal... you are not comprehending. I told him that I would date him exclusively for 6 months. there is nothing wrong with me having a timetable myself. If it was so much pressure why go through with the proposal? He didn't know me for very long. He could've just said he didn't feel the same way.

 

I don't see how that's an ultimatum

 

It's totally pressure. You'd date him exclusively for 6 months at which point he either has to step up to the plate and propose or you'll dump him. It's like making a deal with the devil. "And if you win you get this tiny fiddle made of gold, but if you lose the Devil gets your soul..."

 

I'd like other posters to chime in and offer their opinions as to whether or not your approach is high pressure and unreasonable since you obviously don't agree with mine.

[Heannaa]

Its rather unusual to talk about marriage and put a deadline/timeframe on when you'll decide to do it, with a person you've known only a few months.

 

Even if your goal is marriage, it's completely senseless to bring it up to a guy after a few months and say "this is my plan, and you'll either follow it or I'm moving on".

 

You're only shooting yourself in the foot with that sort of approach. You'll scare away all the good ones.

 

What's the big deal about getting married anyway? At least half of marriages fail, more and more people live together without getting marriage, the whole concept of marriage is an outdated, artificial, largely failed concept. You already have a child, there's over population in the world as it is. Why can't you just be happy with meeting a guy and seeing how things go without having this preconceived notion that you must marry again and bring more children into the world?

 

First of all, I have never been married and I believe whole heartedly in the sanctity of marriage. And I didn't say that I was moving on I said I would not continue to date him exclusively so I could find someone whos goals were in line with my own.

 

So now I am wrong because I want another child with a husband that I hope to have? This is crazy. I pay my taxes and make a great living. Some people want a family and still believe in marriage. I know many people have the same beliefs as you and that's why its is even more important, at my age, to not waste my time and youth on those types of men.

[Fudgie]

I agree with sargon; I believe your approach here was really pushy.

 

The whole point of dating someone is to see if they are a good fit for you and if your goals match up. There is nothing wrong with voicing your goals ("I want to get married and have another child in the future with the right partner") but voicing outloud "I'll give you 6 months to see if things 'progress' towards marriage with you and if not, then this won't work" is EXTREMELY pressure-y. It reeks of an ultimatum and you don't even really know this guy yet. It's going to scare many good guys away when you say that. If you keep a personal deadline to yourself to see if he's compatible with you, that's well and fine but you shouldn't be telling him that from the get-go. It's cringe-inducing.

 

I get that you don't want to waste your time (are you in your mid 30s? Is your bio clock ticking?) but understand that with your current mind state, it keeps you vulnerable to men who may try to take advantage of you, or guys like this one who drops a bunch of money on you and then confuses you when he walks away. Your strong desire to find the one, and quickly, left you vulnerable to this man. I thought "uhhh" as soon as I read that he was bringing in catering for your WHOLE workplace? Who the hell does that? And the paying off the debt, the house thing.....you just went along with it. There were red flags from the start.

 

There are lots of commitment-minded guys out there but if you voice deadlines from the get-go and are pushy about marriage, you're not going to have anyone willing to stick around. At least, not anyone worthy of your time.

[redswim30]

I wonder if he will change his mind.

 

NOPE. He flat out told you he doesn't want marriage. Even if in the beginning he thought he might want it, when it started to become reality for him, he realized it was not what he wanted.

 

He meant what he said. You aren't compatible. You may love him, but you want different things. Marriage is a non-negotiable for most people. You either want it or you don't.

You have to be on the same page about this. You aren't. It would not work out, even if you got back together.

 

He wants to be friends, you don't. This can't end well any way you slice it. Stop torturing yourself for no good reason, bite the bullet and say goodbye.

 

You will both just frustrate yourself and each other by hoping the other person will give you what they aren't willing to give.

[Heannaa]

I guess my last question is. Why would he continue to talk to me? Telling me to have a good day and good luck at my new job... When I have told him I accept his decision and that we should gain some distance and perspective. Especially if I put "so much pressure" on him.

[sargon]

And I didn't say that I was moving on I said I would not continue to date him exclusively so I could find someone whos goals were in line with my own.

 

C'mon girl listen to what you're saying here. It's no different than saying "Since you won't agree to marry me I'm going to look for someone that will. But don't worry, until I find him, I'll still go out with you."

 

That's the definition of pressure and an ultimatum.

 

No self respecting guy will agree to something like that. This guy apparently fooled himself into thinking you were worth it, and threw a lot of money at you until he figured it out.

 

I guess my last question is. Why would he continue to talk to me? Telling me to have a good day and good luck at my new job... When I have told him I accept his decision and that we should gain some distance and perspective. Especially if I put "so much pressure" on him.

 

He still has feelings for you.

 

 

It's like saying why does a woman stay with a guy that punches her in the face whenever he has a bad day at the office?

 

We're talking human emotions not logic.

[Heannaa]

I agree with sargon; I believe your approach here was really pushy.

 

The whole point of dating someone is to see if they are a good fit for you and if your goals match up. There is nothing wrong with voicing your goals ("I want to get married and have another child in the future with the right partner") but voicing outloud "I'll give you 6 months to see if things 'progress' towards marriage with you and if not, then this won't work" is EXTREMELY pressure-y. It reeks of an ultimatum and you don't even really know this guy yet. It's going to scare many good guys away when you say that. If you keep a personal deadline to yourself to see if he's compatible with you, that's well and fine but you shouldn't be telling him that from the get-go. It's cringe-inducing.

 

I get that you don't want to waste your time (are you in your mid 30s? Is your bio clock ticking?) but understand that with your current mind state, it keeps you vulnerable to men who may try to take advantage of you, or guys like this one who drops a bunch of money on you and then confuses you when he walks away. Your strong desire to find the one, and quickly, left you vulnerable to this man. I thought "uhhh" as soon as I read that he was bringing in catering for your WHOLE workplace? Who the hell does that? And the paying off the debt, the house thing.....you just went along with it. There were red flags from the start.

 

There are lots of commitment-minded guys out there but if you voice deadlines from the get-go and are pushy about marriage, you're not going to have anyone willing to stick around. At least, not anyone worthy of your time.

 

Thats the thing I never pushed him. I made a statement. He didnt have to accept. I guess I should clarify when I say he bought lunch for the people at my job: I am a nurse and he bought food for me, the nurse I was working with, and the CNA. So it wasnt that many people. I forget that you guys dont know my whole story.

[Heannaa]

C'mon girl listen to what you're saying here. It's no different than saying "Since you won't agree to marry me I'm going to look for someone that will. But don't worry, until I find him, I'll still go out with you."

 

That's the definition of pressure and an ultimatum.

 

No self respecting guy will agree to something like that. This guy apparently fooled himself into thinking you were worth it, and threw a lot of money at you until he figured it out.

 

 

 

He still has feelings for you.

 

 

It's like saying why does a woman stay with a guy that punches her in the face whenever he has a bad day at the office?

 

We're talking human emotions not logic.

 

I told him that I would pay him back. Why are you making me out to be the bad guy? He didnt have to go forward with any of it. I have talked to many of my friends and their husbands and, at our age, they said they knew within the first few months whether they would marry the particular girl or not.