Engagment is off???

[Heannaa]

I never said that nor do I believe that. So I'm not sure where you're getting from. Please feel free to quote me if you feel that I said that. However, you said that knowing your partner prior to marriage is silly (direct quote), which any counsellor worth their salt would tell you is delusional. Same thing with a man buying you a house at

 

Right. "It's silly to get to know someone before you get married"

 

we WERE getting to know each other, he didn't just show up on my doorstep with ring in hand. Good grief. Some of these statements make me wonder.

[Heannaa]

That is where we differ. To me an engagement means there is a wedding date either set or nearly set (i.e. the month and the year, confirming the actual date if you're planning a reception, etc) and most often, an engagement ring of some sort. Otherwise it's not an official engagement -it's just playing at being engaged maybe for the "status". Obviously you can walk away more easily but if you would not marry that person tomorrow if that were the situation then the people have no business being engaged.

 

I would never have accepted a proposal if I felt I didn't know his core values and character well enough (and that there was love, passion, friendship, common goals) to take the plunge -of course people change all the time but you don't get engaged to someone who you want to change/hope will change.

 

Your opinion again. And in case you didn't see the earlier posts we did have a wedding date, venue, ring, and had already bought my wedding dress. (Which I'm sure I will get backlash. "You already bought a wedding dress omg you didn't even know him). Because *gasp*...

I. Want. To. Get. Married.

 

And he seemed like a lovely lovely man ready to go forward into our future together and wasn't afraid to show it.

 

Sadly he decided to take a step back. Not his fault, nor am I mad at him. In fact, I love who he is in his heart. It just got to be too much for him. And has proven to me, not to be a stable partner for a lifelong commitment.

[Heannaa]

I never said that nor do I believe that. So I'm not sure where you're getting from. Please feel free to quote me if you feel that I said that. However, you said that knowing your partner prior to marriage is silly (direct quote), which any counsellor worth their salt would tell you is delusional. Same thing with a man buying you a house at

 

I think I said that "it's silly to ever think you truly know someone" and if I said "it's silly to get to know someone before you get married"

 

I meant to put "it's silly to think that you ever truly know someone even after years and years and years..." I'll even go so far as to say lifetime.

 

I'm sure there are people in marriages where they think they "know" their partner and that they would never leave or cheat, but they do. Is all I was saying.

[boltnrun]

So in summary...

 

Your approach resulted in you receiving a proposal from a man to whom you wanted to be engaged and whom you wanted to marry.

 

Your approach did not result in a marriage (which is what you said your goal is).

 

That's kind of like being selected to interview for a job, but ultimately not being offered the position. The end result is you are still unemployed.

 

So, the end result of your approach was not a marriage, but instead an engagement (which is now "off").

 

So, it would seem that, sadly, you are back at square one.

 

I understand...it's disappointing. You believed this man when he came at you with romance, with financial support, with stated intentions of being a father figure to your child, and with a promise of more children (or a child) in the near future. And it didn't happen.

 

Again, I don't recommend waiting around hoping he will see the error of his ways and re-propose. I mean, I would be gun-shy. He could back out again. I wouldn't want to take that chance.

[Heannaa]

So in summary...

 

Your approach resulted in you receiving a proposal from a man to whom you wanted to be engaged and whom you wanted to marry.

 

Your approach did not result in a marriage (which is what you said your goal is).

 

That's kind of like being selected to interview for a job, but ultimately not being offered the position. The end result is you are still unemployed.

 

So, the end result of your approach was not a marriage, but instead an engagement (which is now "off").

 

So, it would seem that, sadly, you are back at square one.

 

I understand...it's disappointing. You believed this man when he came at you with romance, with financial support, with stated intentions of being a father figure to your child, and with a promise of more children (or a child) in the near future. And it didn't happen.

 

Again, I don't recommend waiting around hoping he will see the error of his ways and re-propose. I mean, I would be gun-shy. He could back out again. I wouldn't want to take that chance.

 

Thank you. Your recap was spot on. And sadly you are right, he has not proven to be a suitable partner. That actually makes me more sad, than how sad he will be, when he realizes he blew his chance. It breaks my heart.

 

But hey I know couples that had a rough start. My best friend for example: her (now husband) freaked out, got hot and cold, acted crazy and she finally had enough, left him, and made him "work" to get her back.

 

They have one of the greatest marriages I have ever seen, and he worships the ground she walks on and she loves him with every fiber of her being. So it can work, if two people want it bad enough.

 

I realize this is an isolated incident and should no way make me hold on to some "false hope" that it will happen that way with me. I am starting a new job and keeping my life moving along, trying not to dwell on the past but keeping hope and faith for the future.

[Heannaa]

Also, I would like to say, I'm sorry to anyone on here if I hurt your feelings, or insulted you, or came accross as mean.

[faraday]

I think I said that "it's silly to ever think you truly know someone" and if I said "it's silly to get to know someone before you get married"

 

I meant to put "it's silly to think that you ever truly know someone even after years and years and years..." I'll even go so far as to say lifetime.

 

I'm sure there are people in marriages where they think they "know" their partner and that they would never leave or cheat, but they do. Is all I was saying.

 

I'm picking up what you're putting down. I think.

 

I mean, the boards are filled with threads about "my wife suddenly left me and moved to Prague and is dating an artist and she bleached her hair blonde and changed her name from Sarah to Vivianne." Or "OMG I found child porn on my husbands computer!" Or "my wife/husband has a secret family!"

 

It happens. I get it. Love is a gamble.

 

I do think though that you can reduce your chances of this stuff happening by getting better to know your partner as much as possible before marrying them.

 

Not overlooking red flags...like impulsiveness, high debt, inconsistent behaviour...and meeting their people- getting to know their families and friends, as the people around us are the greatest reflections of ourselves that we have.

 

As much as many people don't like hearing about their partners past- I want to know. I want to hear about how they refer to their ex-does he say "that crazy b**ch" or still seem to be pining for her? Has he moved in with anyone after a month or two of knowing them? Has he lived with someone for 10 years without proposing? Has he cheated? I also want to not just hear about his moral compass but understand it. How does he handle if a cashier gives him too much money back? What happens if he has horrid service at a restaurant? How does he deal with conflicts with friends or family? Has he ever done hard drugs?

 

I mean, you can outright quiz people...but they can lie too. Or maybe see things differently so they don't feel like they're lying...but yet, aren't representing the truth. Sometimes people don't know themselves.

 

And sometimes they can appear normal while battling back a mental illness- bipolar is one of those illnesses that can hide well but is devastating to discover later on in a relationship.

 

People can hide addictions....for months...but years is harder to hide.

 

 

And I will say this. Engagements can be broken...and they should if during the engagement it's realized that there isn't going to be a prosperous marriage...but they shouldn't be treated like dating...it devalues the intent...if an engagement is treated merely as how most people view "serious dating"...then the whole process become devalued. If engagement is then not the intent to marry but a vetting process to weed out the not serious, then what does that make marriage? Does marriage then become merely intent to stay together for...5 years? Maybe then at the 5 year anniversary of a marriage, vows are renewed for life?

 

Engagement is serious. It should be viewed as such.

 

I mentioned early that I've been proposed to three times. I only said once yes...to my daughters father....but I rejected the other men....because I knew they weren't right for me. Because engagements shouldn't be viewed as a maybe. So's times they don't work out...but they shouldn't be viewed as something you do to show merely seriousness- it's there to show serious intent too.

[HeartGoesOn]

Thread closed.