Engagment is off???

[lostandhurt]

Well on paper he sure looked like the one but not enough time had passed to see the real him yet.

 

I am positive you will meet the right guy and settle down one day. If nothing else he gave you a wonderful gift.

 

Lost

[Heannaa]

Well on paper he sure looked like the one but not enough time had passed to see the real him yet.

 

I am positive you will meet the right guy and settle down one day. If nothing else he gave you a wonderful gift.

 

Lost

 

Thank you, I appreciate that.

[boltnrun]

You say you can't do the back and forth.

 

So, don't.

 

You don't have to accept or respond to his contact. If you can't or don't want to be "just friends" then remove his number and stop replying. He knows where to find you if he changes his mind again.

[faraday]

Thank you I appreciate you taking the time to tell me of your experiences. The last couple days is my first time on this site, and I find many people on here are judgmental and bitter, not what I was expecting for a supposed site to help "ease the pain"

 

I understand what you are saying about the situation and how he might have comprehended what I said, but he didn't have to stick around, and he didn't, which is just as well. His loss, but truthfully it is mine too.

 

That is the first time I tried that approach, typically I just date a guy for months on end, giving him my exclusivity, until he decides that he can take me or leave me... that's not a nice feeling either.

 

So this time I decided to be more assertive and let him know right up front, he is working with a limited time frame, not to be mean but to let him know my time is valuable.

 

That i am not a toy or a yo yo that he can play with however he wants. I'm not saying all men are like that but some of them are, they will do whatever you let them get away with.. women as well.

 

PS: I don't go around saying that to everyone I date and when we had that conversation it was very intimate and I said so with tender love and care. He didn't get all caught up in verbage, he could read between the lines, and knew what I was trying to say. It wasn't this grand ultimatum like everyone thinks, it was handled with much more respect than that.

 

I think it seems like bitterness but it's not. A lot of people on here give a lot- of their time and energy...and even emotion...and it can be frustrating (and even heart breaking. I hate watching people do things that will eventually hurt themselves even more than the pain they're in now...it makes me sad) when time after time you watch people not heed the advice they asked for and continue on in destructive and hurtful paths. So don't take it personal. It's not.

 

So I think you might have taken the "I'm not a toy" thing too far. Maybe before you were getting strung along...you could see the part you played in it by not having firm boundaries, and staying in relationships where it became apparent he wasn't planning on marrying you...and so now you've made a conscious decision to take control and not let that happen again. I think that's awesome. But, you can't punish new men for the sins of the prior idiots...I mean...ex bfs. You can have boundaries....those are great....but they can't be so extreme that you eliminate great guys before they get the chance to know you and decide they want to marry you.

 

As a side note, as a single mother myself, it's my priority to scope out the men that I'm dating...to see if they're not just great human beings, and great role models, but also men that I can fully trust with my child. Because...not everyone can and should be trusted it's my job to get these men and make sure my girl will be safe with them....and that takes time. So in my opinion, not only is the 6 month rule too short for a man to decide that he wants to commit his life to you (and vice versa, marriage is HARD, you want to end up with someone you like and respect even when you're mad at them), but it's also too short of time to see if he's going to be a good step parent to your child, and the kind of person you want to have a child with. Because...you know what it's like: either you lucked out and got a great, awesome dad for your child right now...or you drew the short stick and are now bound to coparent with someone you wish you didn't have to plan college savings funds with and sit next to at parent teacher conferences. It's important to pick a good one!

 

I think that you can show men that your time is valuable by: 1 letting them know up front your intentions. "I want to have another kid/kids by age x, and I want to be married beforehand." Don't say, "you have x amount of time." Or anything, just give him a heads up...then he can bow out in the first week or two of dating if kids and marriage aren't his thing. That's good. You want the ones that don't want what you want to get the h out lol. Make space for guys that want the same things as you. And 2) do a check in several months in. I like the 6 month mark...because I do think you know if you like the person you're with...not enough to know about marriage, by enough to know if there's a good amount of potential there...and give him the "you're awesome! I like you! I still want to get married and have kids by x date, and it's cool- we're still getting to know each other....but I just wanted to make sure that you still know that's what I want from my life. So if you realize I'm not your girl, it's fine to end it at any time. I'll be sad, but I'll be glad in the long run that you respected my time and life goals." And leave it at that. You can have a mental number...and you can choose to end things and walk away...but realistically...95% of men aren't going to propose before a year...maybe even a year and a half...but I think a lot of them will do it before the two year mark. So try to keep that in mind. It's not wasting your time if you make it to the year mark with someone, and they know what you want. It's a waste of you don't give a man the chance to determine if you're his future wife because you cut it short...end things before he's ready. It's okay to take your time. I know it doesn't feel like you have a lot of time...but it's so much more important that you end up marrying the right man- not just the first man to commit.

 

Marriage is the single biggest factor people make regarding their happiness and quality of life. If you pick rashly and end up with someone who doesn't make you happy...well, read the forums. There are many miserable marriages. And starting over again in 15 years from now, when you have two or three kids and you're middle aged...that's way harder. Check out the journal section and you'll see what I mean.

 

Pick well. Choose a man for life.

[Heannaa]

You say you can't do the back and forth.

 

So, don't.

 

You don't have to accept or respond to his contact. If you can't or don't want to be "just friends" then remove his number and stop replying. He knows where to find you if he changes his mind again.

 

I'm not currently speaking to him. It's hard because I do care about him and still love him, but I won't be able to properly get over this if we stay in contact.

 

It's especially hard because no one likes to be ignored, I know I sure dont. I feel terrible. Especially since he is going through such a stressful time.

 

My limitations as a person, cause him pain.

[lilygirl]

I sit on the fence as far as blocking is concerned. I hate being ignored, I absolutely hate it, so I try not to inflict that on others. I certainly struggle doing that with someone that was once very close to me. That is why I am an advocate for telling the other party that you need your distance as it is best for you and what you need and then you step out. I am a firm believer in N/C and have had success with it but I do try and announce my exit strategy first. I would appreciate knowing that information as well if the situation was reversed.

[Heannaa]

I sit on the fence as far as blocking is concerned. I hate being ignored, I absolutely hate it, so I try not to inflict that on others. I certainly struggle doing that with someone that was once very close to me. That is why I am an advocate for telling the other party that you need your distance as it is best for you and what you need and then you step out. I am a firm believer in N/C and have had success with it but I do try and announce my exit strategy first. I would appreciate knowing that information as well if the situation was reversed.

 

I agree! If I have learned anything in my string of relationships, it's that communication is key. It's helpful to both parties, it will help us both become better at it, if we practice.

 

I did tell him last Sunday night. I called him and left a message. This was a few days after I sent him a heartfelt email stating that I hope we can get through this together and how I hope it makes us stronger. That i love him and want us to be together. I asked how he feels about that and if he still just wanted to remain friends or if he was ready to be in each others arms again.

 

Of course it was worded a little different but that was the gist. Well... he didn't respond to my email and had distanced himself again, so I took that as my cue to ... exit stage left.

 

I called Sunday night and reiterated that I care for him but I am starting to feel stupid and I also feel like I am driving him crazy. That my mind is all over the place and I am hurting and I don't want to hurt him anymore either. I told him that I wanted to take a month to get my head together and allow him some time to get his things in order. Then if after a month we decide we want to get together and talk I would be all for that. I also told him i am scared because i enjoy talking to him, even if its just to ask how our days were and what we have been up to. And ended with... I don't know what else to say.

 

Because I really don't at this point. I know he is a good person and I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I don't know how he will feel in a month anymore than I do. But I think that is a fair amount of time to think things through. Do you?

[faraday]

He's putting you in such an awkward space by not saying what his plan is. My guess is that he has no idea what he's doing right now...that everything is overwhelming.

 

He might come back. But then you need to make the hard decision of...would you even want to be married to someone who deals with stress this way? I mean, what happens if you get married and have another kid (or two), and he gets stressed out and takes off for...what? A week? Two? A month?! But it won't be a surprise...you saw how he handled stress before...and people don't change (and we can't continue with a relationship under the idea that our partner has a deal breaker, but if they can just change for us, it'll work out great)...so now what? Now you're a single parent to two or three kids until whenever he decides to come back. What happens if his trigger is you getting sick...or your child getting sick...and you need him but he's bailed?

 

This guy...he might be a kind, nice , generous and good man...but he is not husband material. When you get married, you want to be with someone that's got your back when sh*t hits the fan...and this guy? He's every man for himself.

 

You have to do some big reflecting here. He has just shown you who he is...and he's not the man you thought he was. Are you going to give him anymore of your time? He's already been sitting in limbo as your "friend" for how long now? Are you really willing to give him

more time...when you could be working on healing and getting back out there?

[Heannaa]

He's putting you in such an awkward space by not saying what his plan is. My guess is that he has no idea what he's doing right now...that everything is overwhelming.

 

He might come back. But then you need to make the hard decision of...would you even want to be married to someone who deals with stress this way? I mean, what happens if you get married and have another kid (or two), and he gets stressed out and takes off for...what? A week? Two? A month?! But it won't be a surprise...you saw how he handled stress before...and people don't change (and we can't continue with a relationship under the idea that our partner has a deal breaker, but if they can just change for us, it'll work out great)...so now what? Now you're a single parent to two or three kids until whenever he decides to come back. What happens if his trigger is you getting sick...or your child getting sick...and you need him but he's bailed?

 

This guy...he might be a kind, nice , generous and good man...but he is not husband material. When you get married, you want to be with someone that's got your back when sh*t hits the fan...and this guy? He's every man for himself.

 

You have to do some big reflecting here. He has just shown you who he is...and he's not the man you thought he was. Are you going to give him anymore of your time? He's already been sitting in limbo as your "friend" for how long now? Are you really willing to give him

more time...when you could be working on healing and getting back out there?

 

A month of being there for him as a friend. A month of tough love, me removing myself from the equation.

 

My best friend who met him and has seen us together, thinks that he just freaked out and her husband said the same. Especially since we did move kind of fast. I just wonder if maybe he needs time to wrap his mind around everything, or if this is how he deals with stress. I guess I won't ever know until the experience happens again.

 

You're right, it's scares me to think that he could do this when I REALLY need him or if he leaves and we have a family. He hasn't shown good staying power. Is that enough to fault him forever, given our circumstances?

 

I thought about suggesting couples therapy, if he decides he wants our life together. I wonder if that would be weird.

 

I have my shortcomings as well.

 

After a month, I will begin dating again. Time for myself to heal.

[lilygirl]

I think he knows how you feel, your message has been received loud and clear so now you go quiet. I know the want to comfort and help is a very strong urge but you have done everything you can at this point. It is very difficult but now you go N/C. If he reaches out, then take it as it comes and see how you feel then. As I mentioned earlier, if you push now it will blow up.

[Heannaa]

I think he knows how you feel, your message has been received loud and clear so now you go quiet. I know the want to comfort and help is a very strong urge but you have done everything you can at this point. It is very difficult but now you go N/C. If he reaches out, then take it as it comes and see how you feel then. As I mentioned earlier, if you push now it will blow up.

 

Thank you. And yes, time for me to pull myself together. I just got a new job and he remembered to tell me good luck, I wanted to say thank you but it came after my declaration. I want him to know I am serious. Serious about him, serious about my life, and that I am a strong woman willing and ready to stand by my convictions.

 

I've never been this way. Always been spineless. I'm trying to turn over a new leaf lol

[faraday]

If he comes back, and you want to give him the benefit of the doubt...that's your decision. If this happens I would *strongly* advise postponing the wedding date...I don't know when you're planning on getting married, but I would wait until you've been with him for at least two years before you commit your life to him.

 

It's hard when you love someone....because you want to see the best in them...even when they don't deserve it. I just want you to look out for yourself and your child...because if you do marry him without seeing if this situation is a pattern...could end catastrophically for you.

 

 

Several months ago someone started a journal on here...she was dating this guy...and after only dating him for 3 or 4 months, she posted that he had cheated on her. "But it was in the beginning of our exclusivity, so he's not going to do that again." And I told her to run. Because...he's shown her his true colours. She said "one more chance. If he does it again, I'm out." She disappeared for a while, and recently posted that he cheated on her again. And she's pregnant.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is...sometimes when we're in a situation, is hard to see it for what it really is.

 

There's a story about a couple who live on an acreage and have a long drive way they needed to back out of. One day they were having a disagreement while they were leaving the house to run errands. At the end of the driveway, there was a free standing mailbox. The wife noticed that her husband was on trajectory to hit the mailbox, so she commented saying as much. "yeah, I see the mailbox." He responded. "A few seconds later, "babe, you're about to hit it!" The husband snapped, "I SEE THE MAIL-" as he crashed into it.

 

Sometimes we don't have the vantage point to see the mailbox. Right now, you're heartbroken....and as an impartial

observer...I'm here to tell you...you're about to hit the mailbox. If you want to stay on this course...slow right down. I know that if I was in your shoes, I would be devastated and probably doing the same thing as you are. If be hoping for a chance at reconciliation. But as an impartial observer....I'm telling you....you should run. This was a blessing. He showed you who he was before you legally and financially bound yourself to him. Thank god he didn't adopt your child- could you imagine trying to divorce him if he had a legal right to your baby?

 

It doesn't feel like it....but you dodged a bullet.

[Heannaa]

If he comes back, and you want to give him the benefit of the doubt...that's your decision. If this happens I would *strongly* advise postponing the wedding date...I don't know when you're planning on getting married, but I would wait until you've been with him for at least two years before you commit your life to him.

 

It's hard when you love someone....because you want to see the best in them...even when they don't deserve it. I just want you to look out for yourself and your child...because if you do marry him without seeing if this situation is a pattern...could end catastrophically for you.

 

 

Several months ago someone started a journal on here...she was dating this guy...and after only dating him for 3 or 4 months, she posted that he had cheated on her. "But it was in the beginning of our exclusivity, so he's not going to do that again." And I told her to run. Because...he's shown her his true colours. She said "one more chance. If he does it again, I'm out." She disappeared for a while, and recently posted that he cheated on her again. And she's pregnant.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is...sometimes when we're in a situation, is hard to see it for what it really is.

 

There's a story about a couple who live on an acreage and have a long drive way they needed to back out of. One day they were having a disagreement while they were leaving the house to run errands. At the end of the driveway, there was a free standing mailbox. The wife noticed that her husband was on trajectory to hit the mailbox, so she commented saying as much. "yeah, I see the mailbox." He responded. "A few seconds later, "babe, you're about to hit it!" The husband snapped, "I SEE THE MAIL-" as he crashed into it.

 

Sometimes we don't have the vantage point to see the mailbox. Right now, you're heartbroken....and as an impartial

observer...I'm here to tell you...you're about to hit the mailbox. If you want to stay on this course...slow right down. I know that if I was in your shoes, I would be devastated and probably doing the same thing as you are. If be hoping for a chance at reconciliation. But as an impartial observer....I'm telling you....you should run. This was a blessing. He showed you who he was before you legally and financially bound yourself to him. Thank god he didn't adopt your child- could you imagine trying to divorce him if he had a legal right to your baby?

 

It doesn't feel like it....but you dodged a bullet.

 

I completely understand what you are saying and are SO right. But balking at our engagment and taking time to think and consider is different than cheating. But the premise is the same.

 

I don't think my guy has strong communication skills. And I just wonder if his financial situation has made him feel like less of a man, less than I deserve? That's just me speculating though.

 

Spending the rest of your life with someone is a huge deal and part of me is glad he did this, in a way, so that we both have time to really consider what we are about to do. Maybe I am giving him too much credit.

 

I guess only time will tell. As always, thank you for your input.

 

I am also glad that we waited to be intimate because that gives me an opportunity to remain, some what detatched. So, although, I am heartbroken, I'm not devastated and can still think somewhat clearly. Like, I don't cry myself to sleep everynight.

[faraday]

I completely understand what you are saying and are SO right. But balking at our engagment and taking time to think and consider is different than cheating. But the premise is the same.

 

I don't think my guy has strong communication skills. And I just wonder if his financial situation has made him feel like less of a man, less than I deserve? That's just me speculating though.

 

Spending the rest of your life with someone is a huge deal and part of me is glad he did this, in a way, so that we both have time to really consider what we are about to do. Maybe I am giving him too much credit.

 

I guess only time will tell. As always, thank you for your input.

 

I am also glad that we waited to be intimate because that gives me an opportunity to remain, some what detatched. So, although, I am heartbroken, I'm not devastated and can still think somewhat clearly. Like, I don't cry myself to sleep everynight.

 

Don't you think you should be devastated? I mean...if the love of my life...my soul mate...left me standing there...I'd be pretty upset.

 

I think that's kind of telling.

 

You say he's "balking" at your engagement and "taking time to think and consider."

 

I want you to think about that. Before he asked the most important question that he's EVER going to ask in his life...he didn't stop and think it through. He impulsively decided to propose without considering what he was getting into. And now he's just as impulsively decided to leave. Without much thought or consideration.

 

I know you said above that you see what I'm

talking about...but then everything you said after was an example of EXACTLY the point j was trying to make in my last post. You see the mailbox. But you don't. You just think you do.

 

I'm bowing out now because I'm feeling frustrated lol. It's cool if you need someone to reassure you and tell you that you're making the right call- I can't do that. And...notice...out of everyone that was in this thread posting...no one is saying, "yeah, you should totally give him a chance again. It will be different next time." It's because they can see the mailbox because they're standing outside the car.

 

I wish you luck. I really hope it works out for you and that good things happen to you...and that you get what you want from life.

 

Cheers

[Heannaa]

Don't you think you should be devastated? I mean...if the love of my life...my soul mate...left me standing there...I'd be pretty upset.

 

I think that's kind of telling.

 

You say he's "balking" at your engagement and "taking time to think and consider."

 

I want you to think about that. Before he asked the most important question that he's EVER going to ask in his life...he didn't stop and think it through. He impulsively decided to propose without considering what he was getting into. And now he's just as impulsively decided to leave. Without much thought or consideration.

 

I know you said above that you see what I'm

talking about...but then everything you said after was an example of EXACTLY the point j was trying to make in my last post. You see the mailbox. But you don't. You just think you do.

 

I'm bowing out now because I'm feeling frustrated lol. It's cool if you need someone to reassure you and tell you that you're making the right call- I can't do that. And...notice...out of everyone that was in this thread posting...no one is saying, "yeah, you should totally give him a chance again. It will be different next time." It's because they can see the mailbox because they're standing outside the car.

 

I wish you luck. I really hope it works out for you and that good things happen to you...and that you get what you want from life.

 

Cheers

 

I guess I'm not putting the cart before the horse in thinking that its over. Perhaps that's why I am not devestated? I still think that things will work out between us.

 

Probably because he continues to speak to me. When I am done, I'm done. No pleasantries are exchanged.

 

I didn't mean to frustrate you.

 

I just try to put myself in the other persons shoes. He wanted everything enough to totally change his entire life, then freaked out. What if I got to the alter and freaked out like runaway bride, and then a short time later came to my senses, do I not deserve a second chance?

 

Thanks for your input. See my shortcoming? My inability to play anything other than devils advocate

[boltnrun]

Life can come to a standstill while you're considering "what ifs". Heck, you can completely paralyze yourself.

 

It's best to live with things as they are, not how they could be or might be if this, or that, or the other thing happened.

[Heannaa]

Life can come to a standstill while you're considering "what ifs". Heck, you can completely paralyze yourself.

 

It's best to live with things as they are, not how they could be or might be if this, or that, or the other thing happened.

 

Very true. Thank you.

[sargon]

I just try to put myself in the other persons shoes. He wanted everything enough to totally change his entire life, then freaked out.

 

You may try but you fail, miserably. You have no clue about the type of pressure you put on this poor guy with your ridiculous 6 month ultimatum. If you hadnt pushed so hard he probably never would have left.

[Heannaa]

You may try but you fail, miserably. You have no clue about the type of pressure you put on this poor guy with your ridiculous 6 month ultimatum. If you hadnt pushed so hard he probably never would have left.

 

Well I also neglected to mention that when we were going through the process of breaking up, I was willing to take marriage off the table and just be together because it was causing him stress. And since I was already in love with him at that point.

 

As I said before, I'm not a monster.

[sargon]

You took marriage off the table because you realized he was going to break up with you.

[Heannaa]

You took marriage off the table because you realized he was going to break up with you.

 

Regardless of why I did it, that makes your opinion invalid

[sargon]

My opinion won't bring him back.

[Heannaa]

My opinion won't bring him back.

 

Neither will all the rice in China

[Silverbirch]

I thought the problem was that he had financial problems due to his business failing. That would stress most people a LOT, and wouldn't be so certain that his change of mind had anything to do with his relationship with OP. I can understand why a person in that situation would change their mind about getting married.

 

My best friend bought a small business franchise around 2 years ago. It was what she had always wanted to do. She had just started working with it - probably only 2 weeks - and she had a type of melt-down. (she has experienced anxiety most of her life). It was so bad she was hospitalised and out on medication. She became so scared of failure that she had this type of breakdown. She was going to sell the business at a loss before she even started. I can't remember the full circumstances, but she ended up giving it a go - AND ITS BEEN A SUCCESS!! She said it's been the best thing she ever did. She's not rolling in money, but she's doing okay and the business continues to grow.

 

OP, I think you should wait a while before dating again and see how things pan out. Is there any more news about his business.

[lilygirl]

You may try but you fail, miserably. You have no clue about the type of pressure you put on this poor guy with your ridiculous 6 month ultimatum. If you hadnt pushed so hard he probably never would have left.

 

There is absolutely no way you can possibly know something like this.