Misschiff Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 The last few days have been a jumble of hurt feelings, disappointment and guilt. I'm not sure there's any advice than can magically make this make sense, but it would help to hear your thoughts on the situation. My husband and I have been together for four years. We are very much in love, but there have been issues of extra marital flirtatiousness on both sides, and I'm ashamed to say especially from me. We like to think we're pretty sexually adventurous, and recently my husband thought that if we were able to be open with each other about sexual attraction to other people we could avoid the betrayal of half deleted facebook conversations or secret encounters at Starbucks. So we tried this for a bit, not getting carried away, just being open and showing each other our conversations etc. Eventually my husband comes out and tells me that he is turned on by me flirting with other guys in front of him, and that he would be interested in involving someone else in our sex life. I was really apprehensive at first, but eventually it seemed like a good idea and I really got into it. He talked to a friend he trusted (who I didn't know previously) we went to the movies and sensual touches were exchanged, we had a pretty good chemistry and decided to go for it. He came back to our place and we got pretty wasted, turned on Frank Ocean, and well... you get the idea. Here's where it gets complicated. Going into this my husband told me to do whatever I wanted and really enjoy myself, that it was supposed to be about me and seeing me turned on is what was going to get him off. So I went for it! I was extremely turned on by the situation, and this guy ended up being extremely well endowed (Not that my husband is small, this guy was just huge) and I guess I started paying him too much attention. Part of me noticed my husband wasn't into it anymore, but part of me didn't care. When I asked if he wanted to stop he said, "only if you want to." Which I didn't, so we kept going. Afterwards the friend ended up being really affectionate, and I was enjoying the attention and the touching so I didn't stop him. The next day we shared some mildly flirtatious texts where I assured him he had been great and he said the same, and I felt pretty exhilarated by the situation. My husband didn't agree. He felt betrayed, felt like I was way too into this guy and kept telling me not to deny we had a connection. He said I paid him too much attention in bed, and worst of all he felt like he had lost some essential part of me. The days since then have been awful, with cycles of apologizing, anger, crying, etc. The whole shabang. I feel confused and ashamed, like I really let him down. I feel guilty for getting so much pleasure out of something he hated. He feels angry and betrayed and keeps saying he's stupid for thinking he wanted it, that he had me and now he's lost me. I know I got carried away, and I feel awful about hurting my husband. He wants me to say that I hated it and would never do it again, but in reality I really loved the experience, and while I wouldn't want it to be a regular thing, the occasional threesome seems fun to me! Uhg I know I need to put those feelings away, and it's wrong that I even feel this way. Possibly the worst thing about it is my husband wasn't wrong, I did feel a connection with this guy. I would love to keep texting him and have another sexual adventure in the future, and it is extremely disappointing knowing that it can never happen again. How can I stop wanting this?! Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Divorce your husband, though I doubt #3 wants anything more than to bang someone wife. I would guess the size of the guys package is also distressing your husband. It may have been his idea, but he didn't realize how poor "your" connection was when he saw your attraction and attention to the other guy. Link to comment
Misschiff Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 Divorce is a last resort for me, I'd much rather work through this. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Perhaps marriage counseling, because I think this experiment has taken swinging off the table. In addition, your need for outside stimulus seems to be higher than his...so I think the trust foundation has taken a major hit. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Four years is so little time together. And you had a desire for strange through out? Do you think you are wired for monogamy? Or do you think this is because of something not working in the relationship with you and your husband? I don't know how you can work through two opposite directions - if one is wanting monogamy, and the other wants things to be open. Something has to give. Link to comment
AntyPat Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 My feeling here is that it's a little late now for your husband to pull the rug out from under your feet. Also, what 'essential part of you' has he lost? You are the same woman. This sounds like hitting out at you for something that was his idea and something that he arranged. This is, I suppose, the trouble with threesomes. Sometimes the fantasy is better than the reality. I think maybe don't text Mr Big, and give your husband some time. If he really "hated" the experience, he could have stopped it. He may not have done because he was turned on by it and he needs to deal with that. If you love each other you will be able to put this behind you. Maybe keep the sexual shenanigans to fantasy for a while. Link to comment
Misschiff Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 Four years feels like a long time when you're as young as we are, hah. I think it isn't so much that something is missing between my husband and I as it is I'm discovering monogamy isn't my natural tendency. Unfortunately he hates it so much I don't even feel comfortable talking to him about it yet. Is it possible that given time for things to cool down we could reassess in the future? I guess it's either that or figure out how to commit 100% to monogamy. Link to comment
Misschiff Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 My feeling here is that it's a little late now for your husband to pull the rug out from under your feet. I think maybe don't text Mr Big, and give your husband some time. If he really "hated" the experience, he could have stopped it. He may not have done because he was turned on by it and he needs to deal with that. Thank you! It's a relief to hear that. I suppose part of the reason he's so upset is because it wouldn't have even happened if he hadn't pushed for it. Hopefully some time will help the emotions settle and we can talk about it again in the future. Thank you again for the advice Link to comment
AntyPat Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Good luck. Hope it works out for you both. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 My feeling here is that it's a little late now for your husband to pull the rug out from under your feet. Also, what 'essential part of you' has he lost? You are the same woman. This sounds like hitting out at you for something that was his idea and something that he arranged. This is, I suppose, the trouble with threesomes. Sometimes the fantasy is better than the reality. I think maybe don't text Mr Big, and give your husband some time. If he really "hated" the experience, he could have stopped it. He may not have done because he was turned on by it and he needs to deal with that. If you love each other you will be able to put this behind you. Maybe keep the sexual shenanigans to fantasy for a while. I agree with this. Your husband was the one to suggest, push for, and even find someone to make this happen. And now he is displeased with the out come. That is on him not you. And it is completely unfair and immature of him to try and and place blame on you. You even asked if he wanted to stop, he let that opportunity pass. I suggest you cause try therapy. If he cannot mature, there is no hope. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 How old are you? Ha, see I don't necessarily age has too much to do with natural tendencies, though certainly when people are younger there is more of an urge to explore all kinds of options for a lot of people. Especially if someone commits to a very serious relationship like marriage at a very early age before having a chance to really date many people or see all what is out there. I don't think your husband is a bad guy for this, and neither are you. But it does seem like he values monogamy and it made him realize how important that special bond between just two people really is to him. And for you, it made you realize the opposite, how much exploring you want to do and a natural tendency to enjoying many options/partners. If you genuinely want to and think you can recommit to the marriage without reservations about what you will be leaving behind, then I do think it is possible to work it through. But first you need to take a time out with yourself and ask if you really are ready and want that. Because if you don't, it wouldn't be fair to tell him you are when that is not what you really want. Just my opinion. Link to comment
AntyPat Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 Your husband was the one to suggest, push for, and even find someone to make this happen. And now he is displeased with the out come. That is on him not you. And it is completely unfair and immature of him to try and and place blame on you. You even asked if he wanted to stop, he let that opportunity pass. I suggest you cause try therapy. If he cannot mature, there is no hope. Exactly this. Agree with therapy if he can't get past it too. X Link to comment
Misschiff Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 How old are you? 21 You're right, I really do need to figure out what I want. This is definitely helping organize my thoughts, and I just need to be honest with him about what I feel. I just don't know how to explain my desires to him when he feels like they are wrong and hurtful. Link to comment
Dottieflanogon Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I have never participated in a 3some But, I know some people who have. Not one of the couples stayed together for more than 2 months. . It has a tendency to make the other person feel jealous and inadequate. Eventually the threesome creates enough insecurity .It has always been and always will be, a recipe for disaster. Link to comment
mhowe Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 21 You're right, I really do need to figure out what I want. This is definitely helping organize my thoughts, and I just need to be honest with him about what I feel. I just don't know how to explain my desires to him when he feels like they are wrong and hurtful. You were married by 17? Link to comment
Misschiff Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 You were married by 17? No, we were dating then. We've been married for 2 years, sorry for the confusion Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I think that next time, you should change it up to a FMF setting. Let him make HER the centre of attention. If you're going to continue doing this then it's his turn. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 This may be where you and your husband need to go see a marriage counselor, seriously. There were already issues of attractions to other people, you both thought this would be something you want. And it's often the case that people don't really understand the difference between fantasy and reality and when they get what they think they want, they no longer want it. Or discover it wasn't what they thought it would be. Your husband is the one who pushed for this, who thought it would be exciting, because in fantasy it was since he was in control. In reality though, he likely feels he lost control and has discovered that yeah, what he's got just might get snatched up by someone else if he isn't more careful. He is going through a range of emotions as you described and likely will do so for some time. This is where seeing a marriage counselor could help you both lay everything out on the table, get the two of you to talking together, and to come up with new agreements. If you love each other you'll work through this and be the stronger for it. Many people experiment or think an open relationship or making a fantasy come true will be great and just as often they come to realize it just looks a ton better in your head than in reality. So time for both of you to admit that didn't work, and to seek someone as a third neutral party to help you both negotiate this new reality. I'm not going to fault either of you for what you did. You both thought you could handle it, you thought it was what you wanted. You found differently, but it can be fixed because it was to one degree or another mutual in the beginning. You both made a mistake, you both can fix it. BTW you didn't do anything wrong. You went along with what your husband asked for what he thought he wanted from you as well. There was no way of knowing how it would turn out on either side. You gave him every opportunity to speak up if he didn't like it. And it would be good to remind him of this calmly, but again that's where I think having a counselor present to help you both navigate that conversation would be far better. Link to comment
Misschiff Posted October 9, 2015 Author Share Posted October 9, 2015 I think that next time, you should change it up to a FMF setting. Let him make HER the centre of attention. If you're going to continue doing this then it's his turn. I offered this option to him, but for now he is completely closed off to the idea. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted October 9, 2015 Share Posted October 9, 2015 I offered this option to him, but for now he is completely closed off to the idea. Maybe he was upset the Mr. Big ignored him? Link to comment
SooSad33 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I'm wondering why you're busy messaging this other guy? You are married. What's done is done now. One way to work on your 'relationship' is STOP dealing with other men and pay total attention to the one you married. This was probably one BIG mistake.. to follow thru with the 'fantasy'. Give him time to simmer down and try your best to convince him you DO love him... if you do. Then maybe mention some help.. therapy wise, if this is keeping you two distant. Life.. is an experience. Sometimes our choices are wrong.. this is how we learn. Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I think some counselling could be of benefit to both of you. Your husband seems like he thought it was a good idea at the time, but then discovered it was a bad idea. Just because you enjoyed the other guy doesnt mean if you try it again with yet another man you will enjoy it. Link to comment
Seymore Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 I just ended a relationship with a woman who did the "swinging thing" with her ex husband quite some time ago...(note the term "ex")... Nothing but hurt feelings, and it damaged things in the long run. When I heard her/their story, I realized that fantasies should stay fantasies, and if only one party believes they should be reality, divorce or at the very least counseling is necessary. Sure, I've fantasized...but I know that in reality, someone would be hurt. I don't like that thought. Link to comment
Movingforward3 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 You could say her husband really screwed up Link to comment
LC8328 Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Swinging only works if both paries sit down and have a series of rules, understandings, etc. And even then both parties have to really, truly be willing. If there is any doubt, it will not work. Sex builds connections between people (ha! I mean emotional connections) sometimes. I think you two should have laid down some rules such as, when the deed is done, you leave it all at the bedroom door, so to speak. Meaning any subsequent flirting can be done on a 3-way group text, so as not to leave anybody out, etc. I know you both have been flirting individually, but I think after there has been an outside sex partner, any communication with said partner should be shared. I agree your husband is a bit immature. He was excited by the idea and didn't think it through. That was his mistake that I'm sure he's punishing himself for now. 3 ways can be complicated if one partner seems to be favored over another, which is what happened here. But that's all done. So what do you do now? Now you think about what you want in your life. Do you want to have an open marriage? Do you need to take a break to figure out what you want? Ask your husband what he really wants and how he really feels about it. Does he no longer want to have an open marriage? And whatever he decides on, would you agree to that? These are things you two have to discuss. I know it won't be easy. He's probably embarrassed and feeling very upset about the whole thing, and you obviously have a mix of emotions as well. You guys have been together for 4 years. Please, talk together, respecfully. I agree counseling is a great idea too. This is not a situation easily fixed, but it's definitely fixable, if you work on it. Link to comment
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