Hurt by boyfriend's drug use

[reinventmyself]

I completely disagree and will never EVER believe you based on what I've seen. I've met HUNDREDS of coke heads in my life, not one was "casual or recreational".

"

 

That's funny. I've known casual and recreational cocaine users in my life (sometime ago)

They are still alive today and don't use either.

[greta96]

I don't understand the need to debate how addictive coke is, how damaging, and how it compares to other drugs. The only fact that matters is that it is a drug, an illegal drug I might add, and illegal drugs should be a deal breaker in a relationship. Well, to anyone who is not into drugs, anyway.

 

OP, only you can decide whether this is a deal breaker for you or not. If it is, don't hope it will just go away, because it won't. Coke addiction is hard to beat and he needs to want to do it, which doesn't seem to be the case. He knows how you feel about it, and yet he actively chooses to continue doing the drug with his friends and hide it from you. Why would you trust someone like that, who can lie to you so easily and do illegal stuff behind your back, I don't know. And why would you want a future with someone like that? You do realize that he can get you in trouble too if he gets caught or someone tips off the cops that illegal drug activity is taking place at your house, right?

 

Having said that, it's an individual choice only you can make. Just know that words and you being upset over it won't make a difference to him, so whatever you do, do it with this in mind.

[BigKK]

It's funny that you want the truth but won't let him know that you're invading his privacy. I think you have every right to know who you're with, as you can see with this thread. Some people are anti-drugs, some don't care. As TMi mentions, it's a difference in values.

 

Sure you can tell him you want to leave him, and maybe he doesn't care too much about using coke, so he tells you fine he'll stop.

 

But then he's out in 10 months...gets drunk. You're sleepy, he says he wants to hang with the boys for a few more rounds. (perfectly acceptable...right?)

 

How does that leave you feeling? Will you trust him? Will you get angry and want him to come along? (come off controlling)

 

Or will you just snoop again to figure out if he's lying.

 

It's going to be hard for you to trust him. We obviously don't know him nor you. Good luck with your talks with him, in a relationship there should be complete honesty, so I think you should let him know you're betraying his trust as well. (I am pretty sure you won't to protect yourself)

 

Which is why I think it's all a lost cause, and you should dump the guy.

 

 

That's funny. I've known casual and recreational cocaine users in my life (sometime ago)

They are still alive today and don't use either.

 

As do I, I even know a few very successful business owners that will use it once or twice a year. I don't think they're jumping into houses to rob people. I don't think that's the point. I think we're moving into a full on drug debate. Which is not going to help the OP. It's just that we are conditioned to think that if anyone uses a drug, their life is out of control and lost.

 

It goes the other way too, I know 3 hours that play with fire and don't get hurt, doesn't mean my advice to young parents would be...sure let them make fires...my 3 year old was fine.

[Unreasonable]

Just because everyone's on the pot bandwagon right now doesn't mean you should go with the flow on coke. There is no question... it is addictive and potentially very dangerous.

[JA0371]

Honestly admitting you checked his IPad is nothing compared to lying about using drugs. He is putting himself and you at risk. Who knows the kind of people he is actually associating with? If he's lying about using, you know he's lying about who he's using with...and who they associate with. Drug use is NO joke. It turns into a vicious, evil cycle of lies, more lies and sometimes criminal activity. Cocaine IS illegal..and he will likely go to jail if he's stopped and caught with it on him. Do you want to get that call at 3 am to come get him out of jail? Then it's yOuR problem. Don't kid yourself that this is recreational.

Being with a coke head is draining...in every possible way. Mentally, emotionally, financially etc.......I would definetely give him an ultimatum now.

[DancingFool]

Honestly admitting you checked his IPad is nothing compared to lying about using drugs. He is putting himself and you at risk. Who knows the kind of people he is actually associating with? If he's lying about using, you know he's lying about who he's using with...and who they associate with. Drug use is NO joke. It turns into a vicious, evil cycle of lies, more lies and sometimes criminal activity. Cocaine IS illegal..and he will likely go to jail if he's stopped and caught with it on him. Do you want to get that call at 3 am to come get him out of jail? Then it's yOuR problem. Don't kid yourself that this is recreational.

Being with a coke head is draining...in every possible way. Mentally, emotionally, financially etc.......I would definetely give him an ultimatum now.

 

^ Plus in many states the OP stands to get arrested right with him in a situation where drugs are found in the vehicle they are both in, in the house, etc.

 

There are things that love doesn't fix and this is one of them. OP, I hope you are going to take this seriously and understand that no, not now not ever have hard core drugs been acceptable or that there is such a thing as recreational use of such drugs. Your guy can't even break a smoking habit - think about it. Do some research on why some people fall hard into addiction and can't get out or get away from it. I hate to tell you this, but what you'll discover is that it's a life long issue that never really gets fixed. Even for those who manage to quit their addiction, it's a never ending battle with it of wills and self control.

[j.man]

I like that term. "Hardcore drug."

 

If any of you care to educate yourselves beyond the DARE ad you saw on TV in 4th grade, there are hundreds if not thousands of published and peer-reviewed studies for all sorts of drugs out there. The most liberal of estimates cap the addiction rate of cocaine at 20%, though scientific consensus places it somewhere between 10% and 20%.

 

For reference, alcoholism affects around 15% of those who consume it. I highly doubt too many here would say "there is no such thing as casual wine drinking."

 

As I said, OP, if you don't want to date someone who uses cocaine, then don't. But his consumption of it is no morally worse a decision than yours to invite him out for drinks.

[IAmFCA]

I am with JAN on this.

 

The issue is not all drugs (including alcohol caffeine and sugar, in my view) - the issue is your individual desires to which you have every right, and his, which are diametrically opposed to yours.

 

I have posted elsewhere about several friends who have come to rely on alcohol. They are functional; people can't tell. Their loved ones can, though. We don't judge, we just love. From a certain distance so as not to get swept up in whatever pain they are processing.

 

I have friends who have been dealers, addicts, casual users of all sorts of things. Yet, I will not date anyone who so much as smokes the occasional cigarette. It disgusts me. Someone I date is too close for me to be near it. Others - I have my opinion but I am my own governess, nobody else's.

 

In so many things it comes down to this: what are you willing to accept into your life? That is the only choice that is yours. I know what choice I would make.

 

With your bf you already are playing cat and mouse. You already know the information. He already knows your thoughts. I'm sorry but there is nothing to ask him about. It's up to you. What will you do?

[boltnrun]

So say you marry him. You're driving together and he's hidden a bag of coke in the car. He gets pulled over and the cops suspect something, so they search the car. The two of you get arrested for drug possession.

 

Unlikely? Here's another scenario:

 

You're married and you have children with him. He invites his drug dealer (or buddy who supplies him) over to make a buy. The cops are suspicious and come to the house, citing probable cause to search. They find cocaine, arrest you and your husband. CPS takes your children away and place them in foster care.

 

OR...you go out and leave him in charge of the kids. He does a few lines while he's allegedly watching the kids. You're OK with your high husband watching the kids...right?

 

Or lastly...he gets arrested for possession while alone or with friends. You spend every Saturday at the prison visiting him with your kids. Sound like a fun weekend trip? You could bring a picnic lunch!

 

No matter what anyone thinks about cocaine, IT'S ILLEGAL! And one can get arrested for possession this illegal drug.

 

Also, drug users are liars by rule. They lie about their drug use to those in their lives who are mean enough to object to their drug usage. So, you'll never know, especially if he associates with other drug users.

 

Still want to marry him?

[IAmFCA]

Boltnrun writes an excellent, non jusgmental, practical post.

 

If you have nothing to value in your own life, carry on. Once you have a lot to lose, drug use becomes minimally tolerable at best and with honesty and excellent boundaries if at all.

 

That does not exist for you. But you've nothing lose except this relationship I guess, which is so good you posted here looking for a way to process the pain.

 

Pick it or leave it, based on the facts that exist today. That's it. Those are your choices.

[Hollyj]

Thank you for your reply.

 

If he was addicted, I would certainly know about it. For one, I know that he doesn't buy it himself and two, he goes out once every six weeks at most - the rest of the time he's with me. I know that he isn't doing it at home, so I think addiction is a bit of a stretch too far.

 

Yes our beliefs are clearly different. But I have to hope that there is some way of getting the message through to him. This is the only issue in our whole relationship, and is not something I can just throw away.

 

I think you're in denial. I mean who does coke anymore. Would you feel the same if he only shot up heroin every six weeks? Also, I'm sure there are times that you are unaware of. Wake up!

 

Your values are not instinct with one another.

[Hollyj]

Thank you. I can honestly say thought that I will never ever touch drugs. The way I've been brought up and my own common sense tells me not to and I know 100% that I never shall.

 

I wish I could share your horror stories with him to show the effect that it could have.

 

Do you want your children around this? How about when he gets busted for possession?

 

I would also look at the monetary aspect. Do you want your hard earned money to go towards a few bags?

[lilygirl]

I think before we get all carried away and have the op's ex shipped off to rehab after being busted for being a Columbian drug lord and endangering your future family's lives, we should go with the information we have.

 

It sounds to me that this is not a deal breaker for you at this point because you love him and you are invested in this relationship. If that is correct, then I think all the cards need to be on the table... your checking his iPad, and telling him what you know, and he in turn needs to tell you what has been going on. Once you have this discussion then you can walk around, think about things, and see how you feel. If you decide it is a deal breaker then off you go. If it isn't, then you shall continue on your path together. That being said, if he won't put his cards on the table, then you will get your answer as I suspect further lying on his part will be the dealbreaker.

 

The two of you won't have much of a chance together if you both are hiding things from each other, so it is time to have a good chat and remind each other of what the deal breakers are for each of you.

[IAmFCA]

I appreciate lilys post for being so reasonable in tone.

 

I disagree with asking.

 

The person the OP needs to.ask is herself. Why am I asking him when I know the answer? What purpose does that serve? Possible outcomes- he promises to change, but if he wanted to change he'd be doing that already. He gets angry and the discussion deteriorates. He confirms what you know and says, So what?

 

In which of those scenarios does this discussion promote your union? None. He is not a victim or a child. He isn't accountable to you for how he treats his body.

 

In my opinion, asking your bf is a way of delaying your decision to leave, and hoping he somehow makes it essay on you by lying or lwaving himself.

 

If you accept him as he is, then request a boundary between you and the habits you despise, and carry on.

 

If you don't accept him as he is, let him go.

[lilygirl]

Yes, the op knows the answer but because she does not want to throw in the towel at this point, it seems to me that it would be best for everyone to be honest if they want to give this a shot.

 

And in terms of him wanting to change? Why would he? He knew the op does not agree with drug use, but he was okay with it, so perhaps he figured he would just keep it between him and his friends. He probably thinks it isn't hurting anything or anyone. And that is his prerogative. I can think of many, many examples of people knowing that their partner wouldn't approve of something so they figure it is much easier to keep it quiet. I am not saying that that makes it right but it may just mean that they are unaware of the extent of the consequences and figure it is best to keep it quiet to avoid rocking the boat.

 

If all the cards are on the table and the op admits to knowing what she knows it will become very clear to her bf how serious this is for her and then he will understand the extent of the consequences. If he chooses to go ahead and continue doing what he is doing, then the op has her answer. If she wants to make this work, she has to give him the chance to do the right thing.

 

If she continues to keep her secret, he will continue to keep his, and vice versa. That is fine if she just wanted to walk away but it seems she doesn't so they won't be any farther along in trying to find a resolution.

[journeynow]

I've learned something about snooping since coming to Enotalone (years ago) and it seems when snooping happens it's because of suspicions about boundaries being crossed. When it becomes part of an ENA thread it is because the snooping has confirmed the suspicion.

 

You have to decide what your true boundaries around drug use. If they are real boundaries, you focus on respecting those yourself. (Simple sounding, painful perhaps, but how else can you live your life sanely?)

 

Snooping would feel justified, I imagine, because it feels like critical information is needed. But it seems, from observing patterns on ENA, the snooper-to-be has a gut feeling, or suspicion, or enough information to be uneasy, but doubts themselves and wants more information but doesn't trust they can get it directly from their partner. In essence, a failure of trust all around, no trust in self and no trust in partner. So they snoop, and get verification, and then are in a painful quandary of how to proceed.

 

In retrospect, it might be best and wisest to stop before the snoop test, to that self-doubt. If you are going to give someone the benefit of the doubt in a situation like this, why not let it be yourself? Trust your self. You've become uneasy about a situation, come up with a plan of action for you, and take the situation for what it is. The self-doubt may be that you are overacting, the doubt in the partner may be that they are lying. So trust someone, and make that be you, take that risk, it's an investment in your self.

 

Just 2 cents, not sure its of any help. If I were in your shoes, I'd start to consider my future plans so as not to stay in an unsupportable situation. Start making the choices that will make a difference for you.

[chitown9]

I would just like to make one statement regarding this, and I speak as a person who is certified in substance abuse: Lying goes with the territory of a drug user. chi

[SpottiOtti]

I'm curious if the OP ever had that talk, and if so, how did it turn out?

[Molly143]

I can totally relate. My husband has had drug problems in the past and that has led to so many problems for our family. He is not going them now but the damage is done. The fact that he got mad and did some cocaine is his excuse for the child he fathered with the scum of the Earth. My advice to you is to get out before you get in too deep. If he is hiding that whose to say he won't hide other things. People aren't themselves when they are on drugs. You can encourage him to get help but most people aren't interested in that. I personally think that you deserve better. Good luck.

[lonelyboy1923]

Get out of there. Cocaine is not something he sounds like he's willing to give up.

Eventually the drug(s) will become the most important thing in his life, and he'll ruin you and drag you down as he destroys his life.

[boltnrun]

BTW, my ex went to prison because of his cocaine addiction.

 

He got so into it (even though he started out as a "casual user") that he lost all of his family, couldn't keep a job because he'd leave on a week-long bender after he got his first paycheck, and eventually was arrested for drug possession, domestic violence (against his wife, whom he married after he and I split up), and finally, grand theft for some items he sold that were not his so he could fund his drug habit. He'd even stolen from me! And he lost his children, because his ex wife argued (convincingly) that he was not an influence the kids should be around. He hasn't even seen his children in a couple of years.

 

So yeah. This is a possible snapshot of your life if you marry him. Do you want to take those odds, are you a gambler with your own future and any potential children's future?

[IAmFCA]

So many anti-drug posts on here and with good reason.

 

Still, OP it isn't about the drugs. It's about his choices versus yours. Substitute, I don't know, swimming for doing lines. He is with a group at the side of the pool and you are part of the group. He dives in with everyone else.

 

Your choice: leave the pool, the man, or do neither.

 

If it were me, I'd have never started. But that wasn't always the case. You have every right to want what you want and he isn't that guy. Let it go.

[lisy]

Baby, Why don’t you openly talk to him? He is not a stranger, he is your man. Better talk to him openly, than hiding things. Share with him the doubts you got. Share the problem you got. I and my man got married last Dec after a long together living. He was addicted to drugs and alcohol. As days passed his love for alcohol and drugs began to increase. Later I talked to him, that too at a point that he couldn’t control his urge for this. He wanted to stop that badly, but he couldn’t. All I did to help him come out of his situation was to take him to a rehab. Earlier we were in Toronto. Took him to Edgewood. Stayed with him during the treatment so that he could feel he is not alone. He is completely from the addiction he got.

So dear never take a chance, risking your life. Don’t waste time. Take time and talk to him. Sit together and decide. A treatment I would suggest.