localvet Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 So a continuation.. After 6 weeks I told her we need to make a decision. She brought up her concern. She is strong Adventist, I am Catholic. I said no big deal the core is the same and I am down with going to her church etc... she said if I do not fully feel and see how she sees the world through her beliefs it wont work. She complained about saints and how she believes in resurrection etc.. I just listened. She mentioned she wouldn't want our babies to be baptized in the Catholic tradition. I said !!??? let's slow down and just establish what we are here first. So after she insisted I need to study different view points on Religion I explained I have but I do not share as much as her. I wont, because I just met her and am not about to open my inner most secrets to her yet. Then I pointed out that it is working great now, it wont really change, we would grow together or we wont. So she left to think about things. I am wondering if she might be a bit insane????? But seriously, what do you think? Have you had experiences with very religious woman who are outspoken and intense about it? I would like to hear your story. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Was this the first sign of her religious convictions or had there been clues prior? If she just pulled this out of no where I'd say she throwing up road blocks. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Adventist have very specific beliefs. I personally think they are significantly different from Catholics but is a subject for another conversation... This is an indication of a core value that is different. It does not appear that she is going to be flexible with her faith. I also agree that she is using her faith as a way of distancing herself. You are going to have to make a decision about whether you want to go further with her. Link to comment
Sportster2005 Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 She's no more insane than you are. If you can't agree or compromise on a belief system, there's not much chance of this working. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 She has shown herself to be pretty unbendable. That is not good for any aspect of a relationship. Anytime there is vast difference there has to be great tolerance. It doesn't appear she has any I would walk away. Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 she said if I do not fully feel and see how she sees the world through her beliefs it wont work. if she brings it up again i'd remind her i was looking for a date, not a missionary. she insisted I need to study different view points on Religion you already have a different view on religion. she needs to study everyone's right to hold their own spiritual beliefs. she doesn't get to "drag you by the hair into the light of the one truth". I am wondering if she might be a bit insane????? one would wonder. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Me thinks this is heading for incompatibility. Link to comment
Dottieflanogon Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 You should tell her that if she loves you she'd respect your lack of belief in her religion and that it shouldn't matter; all that matters is your feelings for her and her's for you Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Me thinks this is heading for incompatibility. Hear, hear... I'm in this club. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 I am wondering if she might be a bit insane????? Why? Because her faith is more important to her than you? You've known her six weeks. She knows what she needs in terms of compatability and I think she's being very sensible, rather than starting something she knows is just going to end in tears. The fact you're calling her insane is a good reason why she's right to do this. Link to comment
localvet Posted September 8, 2015 Author Share Posted September 8, 2015 Why? Because her faith is more important to her than you? You've known her six weeks. She knows what she needs in terms of compatability and I think she's being very sensible, rather than starting something she knows is just going to end in tears. The fact you're calling her insane is a good reason why she's right to do this. That was just a joke... Link to comment
Seraphim Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 Difference in strength of faith is not insanity but speaks of incompatibility . Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted September 8, 2015 Share Posted September 8, 2015 oh she's not crazy for her beliefs. but it is a bit whack to demand he see the world through her eyes and internalize her view. i'd be seriously wondering whether she thinks people need to adopt her view on other matters as well. why does she think it's okay to want to control his mind basically? or what was she suggesting, that in order to understand her he needs to retreat to his chamber and study until he understands why she chooses the belief she chooses? Why wouldn't she just accept some people don't think it's all that important why you're a believer of this or that but hey whatever floats your boat. he wasn't intolerant or anything, he even said he'd be cool going to her church and that he basically doesn't mind at all what she believes. he minds she wants to control what he believes/suggests her beliefs are the only ones that have a place in the relationship. or that's what this sounded like to me anyway. and bringing up his babies and their religion after 6 weeks...well. okay, i mean, when there's this level of incompatibility it is best thrown in the open sooner rather than later. religion either is or isn't a dealbreaker for you. but i'd be worried about how many other topics she's intolerant of different views on. Link to comment
saluk Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 You think that you should wait until you have a real problem, like fighting about whether to baptize the kids or not - she's not talking about the kids, she's trying to tell you that you are going to run into many many little problems like that the further along you go. It might be easier not to let feelings grow to the point where you find you are too incompatible for it to work. It might be easier to walk away now before finding out how far apart you really are. I don't think it's going to work out. If she loved you enough, maybe she would be OK with working through some of the struggles that might come up because of your very different viewpoints - every couple has to work through these kind of issues. But she doesn't, so these perhaps small issues become major. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 How is discussing religion and babies after 6 weeks of dating, considered taking it slow? Link to comment
missmarple Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 If a guy I'd been dating for 6 weeks told me that I 'need to study different view points on religion' if I want to be in a relationship with him, I'd be out of there in a heartbeat. My reasoning? If religion is that important to you, make sure you're on the same page with someone before you start dating them. Different religious beliefs are either a deal breaker or they're not. They don't become one only after the other person asks you where you stand. I vote for her using this as an excuse. Link to comment
saluk Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 Missmarple - sure, if we are talking christian/athiest or muslim/jew. But when it is two sects of the same religion it's not always obvious how compatible they are. It is very easy to seem like they are compatible at first and then find that they are not later on. It's like if a liberal were to date a conservative. How liberal? How conservative? You may agree on a lot of things and then down the road find out that you disagree VERY much on something that you feel it's VERY important not to disagree on. And some people are better at crossing these kinds of bridges than others. But then it does kind of sound like she may have thought she could convert him after they were in a relationship. If that's the case it's pretty gross and manipulative. Either way, what's done is done. You guys are at an impasse and you have to navigate it. Not that different from any other incompatibility that comes up in relationships. Link to comment
missmarple Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 Missmarple - sure, if we are talking christian/athiest or muslim/jew. But when it is two sects of the same religion it's not always obvious how compatible they are. It doesn't matter. It's not about the kind of religion but about how important it is to her to have the same beliefs as her partner. For example, I love cats. I can't imagine myself living without a cat. There's no way I'd start dating someone without making sure that's not a dealbreaker to him..I actually bring the topic up even before we meet (when we're talking online dating). My point was that if someone is passionate about something and considers it a vital quality in a partner, they don't just bring it up 6 weeks after they've started dating. Sure, for me (personally), if I planned on getting married/having kids, asking if someone I want to date is a Christian would be enough. But, for her, apparently it isn't...religion means much more to her..so, why only bring it up now? Unless she never planned on making this serious at all. If I was just dating someone for fun and didn't see any long-term potential in them, I couldn't care less if they didn't like cats. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 I see two options. Option 1 is that she feels this intensely and the differences in intensity of belief signal incompatibility in the long run. Or, option 2, she pulled that out of nowhere to avoid telling you she is not interested. Either way, I don't really think she sees a future with you and I think you should move on. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 She's placing her own limits on compatibility for herself, and while this doesn't make her 'wrong,' it makes her wrong for you. I know healthy and happy couples who embrace their differences in everything from spirituality to politics, but it only works because they don't feel a need to convert the other. Some people want to homogenize with a partner, and so they're limited to only those who want that also. That doesn't mean that it's right for the rest of us, so I wouldn't hold that up as something that 'should' be important to you if it's not. Link to comment
saluk Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 I love cats! However I am not sure if I want one or not. They can be a lot of work to maintain, and as long as someone I know has cats, I can always enjoy their company when I visit. Recently I was dating someone who didn't like cats. I thought it wasn't an issue, because I probably don't want one anyway. But she really hated cats. I started wondering about if someday I changed my mind and decided I did want a cat. What then? I don't want to be with someone who absolutely hates them. Plus why would someone hate cats? Like what they heck? They are so cute and independent. When they love you you know it means something, because they could just as easily go do something else. I just don't think I'll ever understand someone who doesn't at least tolerate them. It wasn't the only dealbreaker, but it was definitely a sore spot, and it took me some time to realize that it was a sore spot. Some things only become clear after making a mistake. Do I think that's what happened here? I'm leaning toward her acting on emotion and thinking it wasn't a dealbreaker and then changing her mind. It happens very often, especially with people who aren't very experienced in dating. With her wanting to go so slow I find that likely. She started thinking about the future (see kids) and started to panic, realizing she is in a little deeper than she intended. Either that or she thought once she has him on the hook she can convert him! I don't think she's trying to use this as an easy out if she's trying to get him to look into her religion more. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 Adventists are passionate about their faith. I'm in agreement here. She should have have mentioned it earlier in the dating process. It would have saved the OP some wasted time. Link to comment
missmarple Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 I'm leaning toward her acting on emotion and thinking it wasn't a dealbreaker and then changing her mind. It happens very often, especially with people who aren't very experienced in dating. With her wanting to go so slow I find that likely. Well, she's 32, not 18. I don't know how experienced she is in dating but, at 32, I imagine she has dated some. Plus, according to the OP's other thread, they have been seeing each other 5 times a week and talk all the time. I just find it hard to believe that in all these hours they've spent together, she's never thought of bringing up a topic that suddenly seems to be that important to her. One of the reasons of going slow is supposed to be to get to know the other person well before committing to them..and, usually, people who are into religion this much (and I know some people like that) care about finding someone who shares their beliefs. It just strikes me as odd that she only talked about it when he asked where this is going. It could be the cynical side of me talking, ofcourse..lol Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 Sorry but this is a non starter. It sounds like you are trying to convince her to date you and she is trying to convince you it won't work. I know you like her but do you really think this is a good idea? She is serious and unless you are totally willing to give up your Catholic faith and adopt hers this will not work. Time to ignore her pretty face and nice body and focus on the reality of all this. Lost Link to comment
saluk Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 Well, she's 32, not 18. I don't know how experienced she is in dating but, at 32, I imagine she has dated some. Wow, 32, I missed that. Looking at her actions she sure sounds 18. Link to comment
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