Boyfriend is making me choose: Him or my best friend.

[choochootrains]

Backstory: I have known my best friend (who is a woman - 28 yrs old) for about a decade (We have been best friends for about half of that time). She is a warm person with a kind heart, who has been a true friend to me throughout the majority of my time knowing her. She has always been there for me after every break up, stood by me when I needed her support and displayed true loyalty. On the flip side, she has many, many issues.. But being the nonjudgmental person I am who looks for the good in people, I excuse many of the choices she makes because that's what I've always felt that true friends do. Her poor choices: She has been job hopping/jobless (mostly jobless) for the past 2-3 years. She can't seem to get herself together as much as she tries to- Attempts to get up, falls again, repeat. I believe it has been due to bad parenting (she doesn't have "bad" parents- but I believe they did not give all 4 of their children the attention they needed), a low self esteem/lack of self confidence, not realizing her potential/being afraid of challenges and things she was unfamiliar with. She has probably quit around 6-8 jobs in the past year to a year and a half. Or, she gets hired, but makes an excuse to back out. Her family has some mental illness as well- So I take that into consideration. But the real issue is.. She has a 4 year old daughter. She is a single parent who still lives under her parent's roof. She often uses time that could be used wisely to spend with multiple guys (some of which she sleeps with- And brings her daughter around most of them). She is trying to get over her ex (who she broke up with) and realized she wants him back. She is a good mom.. She just does not realize that some of the decisions she makes puts her child in bad situations. She has even smoked weed occasionally (not recently- as far as I know) and I could not understand why someone would do that when attempting to look for a job that could possibly drug test. Despite all of the above, she does have a very good heart but obviously not a very good head on her shoulders...

 

Over time, we've grown apart a bit because it's been difficult for me to continue to support someone who consistently makes the same mistakes, never seems to learn from them and who involves a child in many of them. I hang out with her about once or twice a month and we text just about every day. It is not the same because I've begun to lose respect for her - Yet, I still hold on because she is still a good friend.

 

Now.. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years now. They did not like each other much from the beginning. After a while, she became resentful that I spent the majority of my free time with him (keep in mind that I was in school, had a job, family and things I needed to get done). Eventually, she got fed up and we stopped talking for 6 months. She made unnecessary comments and told me I never made time for her - Which I responded with "That's because you haven't been the kind of person I go out of my way to make time for." After 6 months, she got drunk one night and texted me vile things - My boyfriend was next to me when this happened, took my phone from me and texted her back with vile comments. Ever since then, hatred between them was present. He does not believe she is a true friend to say what she had said to me ("I hope you die") and couldn't help but to stick up for me. We made up and became friends again. Other reasons why he does not like her: She constantly tells me I should leave him/talks badly about him (not all the time) and he's caught onto it. Furthermore, about a year ago I went to her friend's house for a board game night and this friend was a guy who happened to find me attractive. He firmly believes she brought me there with the intent to disrespect him - By trying to get me away from him and go for someone else.

 

She has been begging me to go out on Friday night in celebration of her birthday - Tons of people are going (men and women) and it looks like they will be going to hookah bars (most likely regular bars too) and to play billiards. My boyfriend is tired of her disrespect (he says she knows he wouldn't approve of me going but asks me anyway). He doesn't believe women in relationships have any place going clubbing or bar hopping, which I completely understand.

 

So- He gave me the ultimatum today after that invitation. It's either him or her. He can't be with someone whose best friend has screwed up time after time, has low morals, puts their child in harm's way occasionally, hates him and disrespects him. I told him that I have the ability to have someone in my life without it affecting the way I live mine - My choices have been opposite of hers, I have morals, make better decisions and have more self respect. I've tried expressing that although she and I aren't on the same path in life, I can have someone in my life (although not as closely anymore) if they have a good heart and have been a true friend. He disagrees and lives by the "you are who you surround yourself with" mentality.

 

Is he wrong to give me this ultimatum? Is this controlling? Or is it him trying to open up my eyes to see that moving on from people who don't have similar goals and morals as me is for the best? He is someone I could see myself spending my life with and I love him deeply. I am torn and lost. I feel no matter what I do, I will feel empty.

[mhowe]

She isn't a friend. I wouldn't give him up for a night or any time with her.

[Clinton]

Who you hang around with reflects on you. She's trouble, don't let her drag you down with her. Get her out of your life.

[WithLove]

What do you get out of being friends with her? It doesn't sound like she brings anything to the table.

[choochootrains]

What makes you say she isn't a friend?

 

Thank you for reading.

[mhowe]

She texts you vile things, she denigrates your bf, she is trying to come between you.

[dave_1966]

If I got wind of any girlfriend of mine having a friend who suggested that they dumped me, I'd give them the same ultimatum. She only has to meet Mr Right and you wouldn't see her for dust. She's a s**t stirrer, lose her and hang with women with better social skills and less issues.

[abitbroken]

What makes you say she isn't a friend?

 

Thank you for reading.

 

Good friends are supportive. They don't call YOU or your boyfriend vile names. They don't run out of your life in a huff when they aren't getting your attention - if you legitimately have a busy life - they ask to be penciled in when you have a chance. You are too emotionally invested in her if you take behavior and accept it that you would never accept from a stranger.

 

She also, first and foremost, wants to be a wedge and encourages you to leave your boyfriend NOT because he treats you badly, but because SHE doesn't like him and wants more time with you.

 

You say she is a good mother - well, she isn't if she is smoking weed, going clubbing, and quitting 6 jobs in a year. A good mother would take the opportunity of the childcare provided living with her folks and bust her rear taking classes to get a better job while she had the privelege of living there or work hard at her job if its one that she could advance and have enough money for their own place.

 

Your boyfriend is sick of putting up with her. I usually say never let a boyfriend tell you who you can be friends with UNLESS it is someone you had slept with, etc, but this is an exception. You won't make proper boundaries with your friend, so he is. Time to stop making excuses about her bad upbringing - she is a grownup and has her own choices.

[abitbroken]

btw, maybe i misread and its her ex with the pot.

 

At any rate, this woman is toxic and its really common when one friend is broken up with their so to want their friend to "join them" and break up,too. She probably can't hold on to good friends. And you have outgrown her.

[DoF]

This is not a friend, sorry. When it comes to friends, family.....loved ones, whoever....if they are not a positive influence on your life, if they don't work hard to make their life better, and work hard to make YOURS better, they are not worth having around.

 

Simple as that.

 

Also, if your friend is not a "friend of your relationship", they are NOT your friends. Stay away from those people.

 

Your boyfriend is not giving you an ultimatum. he loves you and cares about you and most likely is trying to protected you from people that are not worth having around. The reason why it seems like an ultimatum, and one can say in a way it is...is simply because he has seen how bad your friend effects your life and is willing to put EVERYTHING on the like for you.

 

That would be my best guess.

 

Your boyfriend IS doing what I defined above when it comes to "people worth having around".

 

Personally I think you need to reevaluate YOURSELF for ever even accepting such a friend.

 

 

 

Good luck

[ParisPaulette]

Here's the real problem with this whole mess. Your boyfriend doesn't like, understandably so, that you choose to be friends with someone who means you, him and your relationship together nothing but harm. And I do mean that sincerely. What you tell me about this girl is she really does want to see you both break up, so she can go out and continue her bad behaviors with a buddy AND she's probably jealous. I mean, if your friend is in a good relationship it's bound to make you stop once in a while and go, "You know, maybe I'm doing something wrong here..." Only she doesn't want to take any responsibility, so her solution is let's play slow poison and try to erode someone else's good relationship.

 

Now, I am all for having friends. I am also not into people giving controlling ultimatums BUT there comes a time when you need to take responsibility and admit that someone who a) places their toddler daughter in danger/risk around men is just simply not a good person period and that b) a friend who wants your relationship to die for all the wrong reasons is not a good friend. This isn't two people who just kind of don't get along and avoid each other. She actively and openly attacks him and she actively and openly campaigns for you two to break up.

 

This is the type of person who will and often does find a way to end others relationships and just generally acts like a slow poison eroding you over time. I'm sorry, but I learned my lesson on that one. She may once have been a good friend, but she's nowhere near as nonjudgemental and cool as you think, because she hates your BF not because he is a bad person who hurts you, but simply because with him there you are not as free to partake in her shenanigans and be an audience to her.

 

As to going to her birthday party? Sweet F no. Why on earth would you trust someone like that around bars/clubs. I'd be too worried she'd be laughing about the guy who just slipped something into my drink. Plus yeah, she's the type of "friend" who gets you drunk off your butt, slips yous something, then films it when some guy assaults you and sends it as "proof" to your boyfriend that you're a cheater hoping the two of you will break up.

 

And if anyone texted me, "I hope you die" the friendship would be over permanently.

 

I think you're letting sentiment cloud your judgement big time here. You are to blame in this as well, because you didn't take this so-called friend by the hair so to speak, pull her up short, and let her have it verbally telling her if she so much as ever speaks ill about your boyfriend again it will be the last thing she ever says to you, because you'll be gone. Instead you have continued to fan the flames by letting each of them know all about how the other one hates them. Whether that was intentional or not or how they each know about it I don't care. You didn't grab each one of them and say, "Enough! No one talks ill about anyone now or I am walking on both of you." You have let the drama go on and on.

 

And frankly your boyfriend is now sick of the drama and the whole "guess what she says about you now," and I don't blame him a bit. Why exactly are you being friends with someone like this again? And yeah, I think you should report her to CPS if she's bringing men around who could hurt her kid, I totally do.

 

I think it's time you really take a step back and ask yourself who exactly are the types of people you want in your life now, not in the past, but right here and now. I know there's comfort in having someone around who you used to share everything with, really I do. But when a friend turns as toxic as this girl is, when they egg you on to destroy the good things you have, they've crossed the line from friend to enemy. She's your frenemy and you're too blind to see it. Your boyfriend isn't.

[j.man]

I'd stop being friends with her simply based on the fact she wants to go to hookah bars. Everything else is just the icing on the cake.

[DoF]

I'd stop being friends with her simply based on the fact she wants to go to hookah bars. Everything else is just the icing on the cake.

 

LMAO....NOOOICE

 

Agreed

[ParisPaulette]

And really I do get the whole "But we've been friends so long...we've been through so much..." I had a friend like that once too. Like your friend she made a ton of bad choices and hated any time I was in a relationship, dogged me to break up with the guy, and on and on. And without going into specifics she put me at risk several times as well over the years. The final straw was when she lied to me about something, I confronted the person having believed her version of the story, and nearly got myself shot over it. And at that point I was done, because she was so out of control she was hanging out with meth heads and putting me in direct line of the bullets so to speak.

 

You need to assess what she brings to the table now. In this instance though I am totally with your boyfriend. He actually has your back and is scared you'll wind up hurt or even dead with this one dragging you into trouble and he's not wrong about that.

[Tanzi]

Although I don't agree with the mentality that women shouldn't go to bars or clubs because they are in a relationship, I think it is totally understandable why your bf doesn't like her and doesn't like you hanging around with her. As far as he is concerned she wants you to break up with him and is disrespecting you relationship by telling you to do so. She is also disrespecting you.

 

She is the sort of person who can be the best person ever all the while you are involved in her life completely. She will do anything for you because it ensures your eternal friendship. However, the moment you start to get a life that doesn't involve her completely she gets nasty .... vile even. That's rather manipulative of her don't you think? If anything I would say your friend is the controlling one.

 

Whilst I don't think your bf made the best choice in giving you an ultimatum, this woman sounds as though she could be trouble so I can see why he felt compelled to and if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't want to jeopardise my relationship for a woman who seems to only think of herself.

 

Real friends are friends whatever.

[Ms Darcy]

I would dump both of them to be honest. Your friend for being so negative to you and your bf for being controlling by taking your phone/texting her and telling you women in relationships don't go to bars.

[Tayla92]

I don't think he's wrong at all to give an ultimatum, he clearly cares about you and hates the disrespect your friend shows you time and time again.

 

I would cut contact with this so called best friend.. Sorry but she will only keep dragging you down.

[abitbroken]

I would dump both of them to be honest. Your friend for being so negative to you and your bf for being controlling by taking your phone/texting her and telling you women in relationships don't go to bars.

 

Women in relationships go to the bar to meet friends and have a drink, but not to the type of bar outings her friend heads up with the people she goes with. Huge difference. If he is not controlling otherwise, I would let the comment slide.

[Ms Darcy]

Women in relationships go to the bar to meet friends and have a drink, but not to the type of bar outings her friend heads up with the people she goes with. Huge difference. If he is not controlling otherwise, I would let the comment slide.

 

It's not acceptable he's stating where she can and cannot go as a woman in a relationship, regardless of whether the friend is there. And it's also unacceptable for him to be taking her phone, reading the messages, and texting from her phone. It's controlling.

[catfeeder]

The guy isn't telling you that you not 'allowed' to go party with this friend--he's telling you that the consequences of doing so will be that he'll walk away.

 

We all get to choose what we'll tolerate from someone else, and he's observed mistreatment from the friend. So he'll opt to walk away from a choice to continue engaging with someone who would behave toward you as she has.

 

As we mature we learn how to surround ourselves with people who are good to us and consider our best interests along with their own. Would you say that recent behavior from friend meets that criteria?

 

Skip all other judgments 'about' her and her life, and consider how she's treated YOU. From there, you get to decide whether she's worth tossing away your BF.

[relevart]

Finally, someone said what I thought when I read the OP -- that the boyfriend is wrong, too. My first thought was that girlfriends and boyfriends come and go, but true friends stick around forever. Admittedly, this friend seems like a piece of work, but I'm not going to damn her like others have done. It's not mandatory that your friends like your boyfriend and visa versa. But both need to know their boundaries. At some point, you need to tell them you get they don't like each other, but when they start telling you to choose one or the other, well that crap's not going to fly.

 

I also agree your boyfriend is being controlling. You get to choose where you go and with whom you go, not him.

[Witch]

Your friend sounds like a snob and your boyfriend, while his heart is right, is trying to take control of situation in an attempt to make you see things from outside the box.. just in a more extreme way. I think any person, friend, boyfriend, parent, relative, co-worker, whatever that goes out of their way to purposely start drama over simple things like you getting a life that doesn't involve them 24/7 is someone that you need to check out of your life and your friend is one of those people. Friends aren't supposed to be anchors, friends are there to support you emotionally and vise versa.

 

Your boyfriend, while yes is in the wrong by making you pick, I can see why he did this as he feels like you aren't going to see things as they are without him making it an ultimatum because he simply cannot care about you and be with you while watching you be sucked into a drama vacuum that is your friend. Take a step back from the drama, perhaps just cut contact with both of them for a day and try to see things from your boyfriends perspective. I don't say from you friends because she's in the wrong, through and through this entire ordeal. Sympathizing with her reasons is pointless.

[Longview01]

Shes doesn't sound like much of a friend and he sounds abit controlling tbh