Coldarmy13 Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 I was more referring to the dependency I have for her to an extent. Constantly looking for opinions here help, but Im starting to really feel crazy by posting everyday or every other day. I did say that she should let me take her out for an awesome time if she isn't happy with what her options are now. I do have difficulty saying hey these Are MY plans for YOUR birthday, i immediately offered to take her out when she put it out there if what she was trying to decide between. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 There is a comedy club I could get tickets for but Im not sure how to be assertive enough to introduce the idea to her. How to word it or bring it up independently. How should I word it to sound assertive but not pushy? Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 Need help asap. Seats are gonna go quickly. I was thinking " mark Ridleys comedy club Friday doors at 7, lets go!" Link to comment
janut1 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 Yep! "mark Ridleys comedy club Friday doors at 7, lets go on your birthday!" Link to comment
luxurylover Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 "If i make your misery even a little better then its fun for me. Its no biggie though, let me know if you change your mind". that line was sweet "Ive been going out and to the gym as often as possible around my work schedule and have tried to get more into what i used to like doing before i met her. None of it seems the same. .... but i do wonder what the hell is up with me." LOVE....which means nothing is going to make sense :strawberry: Link to comment
luxurylover Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 If you work until midnight... Going out for drinks with coworkers is normal...since nobody else on a regular schedule is awake. The text Congo ended because she was with others and had given and gotten schedule. agreed. i have an odd schedule too and im up and down at all times of day and night. and that was a natural end to the convo Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 "If i make your misery even a little better then its fun for me. Its no biggie though, let me know if you change your mind". that line was sweet So sweet that she didn't even acknowledge it and didn't message me until well after when I told her my plans were shot. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 "Hmm maybe we should go another time...I think I'm just going to invite people over and we can go to dinner before?". , that'll be fine. just thought she'd be more excited about the effort. Apparently she didn't mean it when she said she thought no one would show. She said she'd "roll the dice" I also sort of assumed she meant dinner with just us before. She said maybe another friend of hers too but she didn't know. Also asked if I wanted to come over late tonight.. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 "Ive been going out and to the gym as often as possible around my work schedule and have tried to get more into what i used to like doing before i met her. None of it seems the same. .... but i do wonder what the hell is up with me." LOVE....which means nothing is going to make sense I respectfully disagree. Love in the early stages is I miss her. Anxiety is "what is she doing right now? Why doesn't she want to be with me?" Insecurity is "Why wasn't she excited about hearing from me? Why isn't she as excited as me - even when we're apart?" You're expressing stuff that seems more like anxiety and insecurity and less like love. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 Food for thought. Thanks Darcy. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 I came off way too negative before. I'm just fine with the plans and am focusing on the positive that she invited me over tonight. I'll get to meet more friends too. Link to comment
GhostB88 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Hey, sorry for not being here on time, and I am also sorry that it didn't work out for your plan on her birthday. You win some and you lose some, but don't focus so much on the loss. She invited you over tonight right? Maybe she thinks that you guys already spent a lot of time together and she just wants to spend some time with her friends as well. I don't remember you saying this, but did she invite you over for her birthday dinner as well? Either way, make plans for Valentine's Day because that's your (you and her) day! Let her know and contribute to the plan as well. Although I have to say one thing, you probably shouldn't plan to surprise her with something super awesome. It will give you too much pressure and your anxiety may kill all the joy out of it, and she might be too shocked by your effort. You are doing great so far and all you really need to do is keep up the good work. So just make some nice plans, share them with her, and plan together for a wonderful day together! P.s. If you need ideas, I'm sure the good people here will have more than enough for you heck, I've even asked this forum what I should do for Valentine's Day! It is tough and stressful to come up a perfect idea for such a big occasion. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 Thanks but yes of course Ill be there for her birthday and we have a good grasp on what's haooening on vday. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Don't just forget to stay positive, seek self-assurance, don't mind read, give the relationship room to breathe, and remember that this relationship is not the end all be all. This is a really helpful site: link removed Link to comment
luxurylover Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I respectfully disagree. Love in the early stages is I miss her. Anxiety is "what is she doing right now? Why doesn't she want to be with me?" Insecurity is "Why wasn't she excited about hearing from me? Why isn't she as excited as me - even when we're apart?" You're expressing stuff that seems more like anxiety and insecurity and less like love. love for me is when i do activities that used to hold my interest and i am distracted by thoughts of the person i am in love with. that's what i got from him saying "i try to do things i used to do but nothing seems the same. love can also sometimes cause feelings of insecurity and wondering and overanalyzing in some ppl. everyone's different tho. reminds me of the lyrics of Usher's song 'you got it bad' Link to comment
weathergirl Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Well I have to admit, that with respect to his girlfriend's response to him wanting to take her out for her birthday, I don't blame him for feeling a little put off and insecure about that. I mean what the eff...here she has a loving caring BOYFRIEND who wants to take her out for her birthday... planning something special... and she's whining and "depressed" because she'd rather have friends over but is afraid no one will show up??? And then when Coldarmy tries to cheer her up telling het HE will show up and AGAIN tells her HE will take her out or do whatever she wants.... she ignores it and doesn't even respond? What's that about??? Am I the only one who thinks her attitude about this is incredibly insensitive and franky rude? If it was a woman on this board telling us this same story about her boyfriend.... we'd be telling her to back off..that he's probably not that into her....to pay attention to his actions and that his less than enthusiastic response to her wanting to take him out for his birthday is a red flag!! Coldarmy... I am NOT saying she is not into you...I mean she did agree to be boyfriend/girlfriend just last week....but I do think her attitude with respect to "this" birthday situation is odd...and a little cold and insensitive. If I had responded that way two-three months into my relationship with my boyfriend... he would have been so put off...that he may have... and probably would have.... said (to himself anyway) screw it and let me fend for myself on my birthday! We teach people how to treat us!!! . Link to comment
janut1 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 Yes I totally agree with you weathergirl. I think her reaction was a bit odd. I would be YEAH!!! Great can't wait to spend my birthday with you!!! If this was my BF, I would be talking to him about the odd reaction. So odd that he his being there for her and she is still depressed. Maybe she is someone who loves lots of attention from her friends, but I would be put off by it myself. Boy Im I learning this lately "We teach people how to treat us!!!" It is so true and if I had a boyfriend like Coldarmy, I would happy with his time and attention. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 What's that about??? Am I the only one who thinks her attitude about this is incredibly insensitive and franky rude? If it was a woman on this board telling us this same story about her boyfriend.... we'd be telling her to back off..that he's probably not that into her....to pay attention to his actions and that his less than enthusiastic response to her wanting to take him out for his birthday is a red flag!! You would probably be telling him that if he were a woman but I wouldn't. I would be telling her that she shouldn't develop 37-page threads dissecting his every move because out of context, frankly, most of us probably do things that seem jerkish from the perspective of other people. But she's the one he's chosen to be with and she's chosen to be with him. So, I'm encouraging him to be as positive as possible and see her as a bonus and not his primary in life. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 You would probably be telling him that if he were a woman but I wouldn't. I would be telling her that she shouldn't develop 37-page threads dissecting his every move because out of context, frankly, most of us probably do things that seem jerkish from the perspective of other people. But she's the one he's chosen to be with and she's chosen to be with him. So, I'm encouraging him to be as positive as possible and see her as a bonus and not his primary in life. I think he should stay positive too...I never suggested otherwise. But at the same time...he shouldn't just dismiss insensitive, "odd" ... not to mention just plain HURTFUL....behavior such as her response in this situation most definitely IS. Otherwise, he takes the chance of being taken advantage of ...and being seen by her as having no backbone and just tolerating any sort of bull shyt she feels like tossing at hiim at any given point in time. And IMO although I do think she is into him (trying to stay positive here)...her response/actions in "this" birthday situation are bull shyt. I mean come on now...any woman would be thrilled to have such a caring loving boyfriend who wants to make her birthday something special! And she's whining and depressed because none of her "friends" will be around? And not even acknowledging HIS effort to make it special?? Really???? I am sorry...but I just think that's bull shyt... Link to comment
GhostB88 Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I agree that her behavior is something different than what you expect from a normal gf. But from reading all these posts, she seems to be a very passive and slightly depressed female, because I haven't seen a text from her saying how happy she is, while cold army texted plenty of things to try to cheer her up. Perhaps she is chronically fatigued from her work, and that's why she likes to go home, relax, watch some tv or play some casual games and probably fall asleep in the process. In my opinion, this is not a person who has zest in life; she kind of just deals with whatever life throws at her. But don't be mistaken that she is not into cold army. She clearly cares and love him from all the texts and time she spends on him, and she has agreed to be exclusive, telling her ex off, and even have the title of bf / gf with cold army. So if you want her to be excited about you, find out what's taking away her zest in life, and bring it back to her. Anyways, it's also hard to judge based on such short conversations and timeframe. Let's see how her bday and Valentine's Day turn out. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 "Hmm maybe we should go another time...I think I'm just going to invite people over and we can go to dinner before?". , that'll be fine. just thought she'd be more excited about the effort. Apparently she didn't mean it when she said she thought no one would show. She said she'd "roll the dice" Here's the full convo Me: mark Ridleys comedy castle Friday doors at 7, lets go for your birthday. Her: how long is it? Me: 90 minutes, starts at 8. Her: hmm maybe we should go another time.. I think I'm just going to invite people over and we can go to dinner before? Me: thought you didn't think anyone would show? Her: guess I'll roll the dice.. Maybe there's a shorter show at go comedy we could go to? Me: I just thought your plans sounded dire so I thought I'd try to save the day. No biggie. Her: thank you : ) Me: you want us to go to dinner before, or everyone? Her: just us.. Maybe one of my friends.. Not sure. Me see. That's fine. Her: want to come over tonight even though it'll be lateish? Her: you seem disappointed? Me: no I'm not babe don't worry about it. Long as you enjoy your birthday. After that I just told her I could come over and then she went back to work. Last I checked she had about 4 people saying they'd show and 2 maybes in less than 12 hours from when she sent out invites on Facebook. So I don't think people showing up will be a problem. I'm nervous, if a lot of people show in going to be meeting a lot of people at once and I'm not sure how that evening will go. Her attention will be everywhere and I'll just have to have fun and be social. About a month ago when we agreed to be exclusive and I tried to make it official on Facebook, I'll advised and too soon granted, but other than saying she wasn't ready, she said something along the lines that she didn't want it up there because she didn't want people at work to make fun of her. Like someone finally tamed *nickname at work*. She also said she knew that sounded stupid (which it does to me), and a week or so later she deleted any dating app she had on her tablet and she called it a her being weird about Facebook compromise. Either way, I do agree with Darcy in one respect. No matter how much I worry or any insecurities I have, it won't change what is and isn't. I just have to be myself. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 I think you have contradicted yourself ... I'm not saying he should be negative but here are 15 negatives about how I interpreted what she said. Respectfully, I don't agree with your interpretation. It's OK for her to vent to him about something that was important to her, especially if it really made her sad/upset. If she had moped without venting to him, folks would be complaining about that. This is too micro-managing of all of her reactions. I don't get the sense she's as lovey-dovey as he would want and other women would be ... but that's the girl he chose. And I don't think she's intentionally trying to make him feel bad or slight him but she's stating her frustration about something she'd planned in her mind before they were in a relationship. I'd suggest he have a follow-up conversation with her if he felt her reaction was insensitive. Hopefully that would help. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 She never told her ex off. They're still friends. He's also friends with her sister and bro in law so he's in their circle. That was seven years ago that they dated so I just try to accept that it's just friends, regardless of what I may feel his intentions are. I know of 2 times they've hung out since we started dating. So I'm not too worried about that, uncomfortable at times but I don't think she'd ever go back to him. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 10, 2015 Share Posted February 10, 2015 OK - Now I'm even more resolved ... we shouldn't be interpreting emotions/emotional reactions etc from texts. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 10, 2015 Author Share Posted February 10, 2015 OK - Now I'm even more resolved ... we shouldn't be interpreting emotions/emotional reactions etc from texts. I agree, but she doesn't give me much to go off of in person quite frankly. Also, thank you for the article. Link to comment
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