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luxurylover

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luxurylover last won the day on September 21 2020

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About luxurylover

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    Bronze Member
  • Birthday 06/07/1983
  1. i agree about smoking but it's the only thing that keeps me somewhat sane right now. keeps my anxiety at bay too. i was being social at a club, and almost everytime i try to step out of my box it ends poorly. see stories like yours and my experiences is that ppl don't truly want to be bothered. so i let them come to me. it's another reason im shutting down again. im going back to the old me, like i said in my latest post. unless it's something important , ppl wont hear from me nor will i initiate convo (with strangers). even in a social situation, club, party, etc where it would be expect
  2. Something about mornings...although yesterday was better something about mornings where i feel my depression is worse at that time of day. my house cat is upset that there's a stray that wanders into the backyard. i feed it. so my cat makes all kinds of lil whining noises etc and recently ive been waking up every day at 8am because of the noise. my sleep is trash right now, that's not helping. im sick of them cats lol. after waking i started thinking about how i need to isolate again. i need to withdraw back away from ppl. it's how i was anyway. some ppl of course i will still intera
  3. Hi there, i dont smoke tobacco. im sorry that your cousin passed away and That's horrible what the young lady said. how thoughtless and tactful. and nothing could be further from my behavior. What i meant was being "real" as in true to one's self without hurting others. for instance, if i feel i want to go say hello to someone to try and make a new social connection i can do that. instead of being like "well, i do wanna go say hi, but ppl may think im being too forward" etc etc insert other thoughts. I meant harmless things. most ppl do wear masks to protect themselves emotionally or to be soc
  4. A Better Day, but... (just venting) yesterday i had a good day financially, not great but better. I pawned one of my jewelry items so that helped and i had a good day at work. Weds night Sue came over. Earlier that day I felt really depressed, like a Fk up. I still do. But...that night Sue , the woman im dating (very casually) , came over. Id shared a lil with her about me feeling down. Well, she said she had a surprise. She came over with a Xmas tree :) Pre lit artificial tree. id told her the other day i put up my xmas decor in the house and i didnt have a tree but that w
  5. Today was a trying day. I am really having a hard time this month getting my bills together. Im going to have to pawn a few things tomorrow, don't like the thought of that but at least I have an option. also, i was in a social situation today, ended up coming off awkward for lack of a better term. like i didn't "fit". that's happened a couple of times recently. i don't consider myself necessarily socially awkward but these few times were. All that affected my day as well. sometimes i keep to myself because im not a ppl person, very much an introvert. and in general i dont like or tr
  6. Hi, thx for replying. I remember your username from ages ago when I used to come on here more. i see youre still active. ty for your suggestions and kind words. when i had time to sit on my back porch and watch nature (it faces some woods) i was so much calmer. i get the nature thing. now i dont have time cause of work and too the weather is colder. I workout as well and that helps but despite what i do it always seems to come back. especially right now, financial woes. i can handle everything better if my basic financial needs are covered. unfortunately not much has changed since t
  7. Thinking about "life" at 9:44 pm This is a ramble. not looking for advice tho you're welcome to read. most of the advice i see on this site makes me feel worse and like s--t. although I have made a few nice contacts/friends on here previously. but ppl are very mean. that's why i keep to myself. even online. i don't trust ppl. but i do trust them to be mean. ************************* There's got to be more than life to this. I heard Tony soprano on the sopranos say to Dr melfi in an episode 'I know life is a gift but has it got to be socks?'. That stuck with me. Hell, at least Tony c
  8. Updates at 9:41 pm. Had company and then heard from the Food Stamp office I worked most of the day doing uber eats. And i had a friend over, a woman I know from a club I used to frequent before covid hit so hard. We were masked up. It felt nice to have company over. Most of the time I'm isolated. Even pre covid. I cooked, we talked. it was nice. I'd had a bit of a stressful day just trying to squeeze everything in but the company was really great. Then this happened after she left: A few entries ago I spoke about waiting on unemployment. It took them two months to tell me I didnt qual
  9. Venting (warning possible triggers) This is just gonna be rambling. mainly to get it off my chest. Advice isn't really wanted. Where do I start? I hate my life. Things are a mess. Im in dull pain almost everyday i just dont talk about it. pain in my left side, two CT scans done and nothing. Dr said colonoscopy is next step. my mind races about what it could be. could be nothing but still im in pain. i live alone in a big house. i love my house and im thankful for it but im so lonely sometimes. i dont think it's the size. i would feel the same in a one bedroom apartment. im isolating
  10. I'm back. Updates Well after some years here i am again. Im not dealing with any of the ppl (as far as dating) that I mentioned on the previous journal entries except for Chad, we're still together. So much has happened (not with chad) in my personal life i dont even know where to begin. In the past few years chad and I have been in an open relationship which i love. i stopped seeing "rick" long ago. He still texts me here and there but I dont reach out to him, all my feelings for him are gone. I've had a few exeriences dating and relationships outside of chad (which he's fine with ,
  11. double standards... a few days ago rick and i were on the phone, i said some sexy comment about needing some sex. he said "well , you been acting funnY". i said how. he said "not calling me (on weekend)", he said it in a playful voice but i know he was for real. i said 'oh but isnt that what u wanted?...im just giving u what u want'. then he says "ok you guys go have a nice cleaning" i was going to work with co worker. i kept talking saying "im just giving u what u asked for. u want no expectations and pressure, this is what it looks like". he was like mm hmm. it didnt help that my friend D
  12. New Years Eve guess who looked like a fool... So as you saw in a previous entry, Rick wasn't invited to his friend Carlos party but he was going to go anyway. so on New Year's Eve he went there uninvited like a fool and Carlos said hi and a few pleasantries to him at the door and never spoke to him again the whole night. There were a bunch of people at the party. even Carlos wife did not speak to rick. Then rick finds out that one of the biggest problems between him and his other friends is that olin (another "friend") is going behind rick's back and telling mutual friends what rick is sayi
  13. x-mas update Xmas was "ok". im not a holiday person. i got chad gifts that id already given him, candy , shoes, and some knick knacks. i saw him on the 26th. that was nice. rick was supposed to come pick up his gifts on xmas. i offered to mail them but he insisted hed see me before then, which never happened. he's so flaky. xmas he got caught up w/ his mom which is understandable, but i cant remember the last time i saw him. he says he has a gift for me. i got his mom: a bath gel set, and two little angel statues from the dollar store but theyre real good quality. his sis i got 2 velve
  14. Oops... P.s.....in my journal i call Rick , Derek sometimes....they're the same person....sometimes i forget to use the fake name and by this point i don't care anyway
  15. 7Am thoughts I have updates but I'll post them later. I woke at 7a ...Last night i started feeling down. If u keep with my journal u probably already know y. Sometimes I'm ok sometimes not. I started thinkingabout how I feel past year and a half with Derek has been a waste of time. and what was the point of it we put in all that time just to come where we are now. I got really sad thinking about it. I thought at the very least I would have a friend but I don't even have that...at least I don't feel like I do.I haven't seen him can a month now we talk here and there I and we text but not lik
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