Coldarmy13 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 I know...I change my mind a lot! You okay? Not really. I've thought about basically what you all posted today a few days ago and ever since. I'm not ready to let go, but im wary. I'll go to her birthday, I'll give her the champagne and flowers. See how it goes. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 If this is the case why are you so filled with angst? Three to four times a week is quite a bit of face time for this phase. Please find a way to level set for your own sake. That's the only thing really keeping me here. Lately I've just been out off from the texts I've posted, so nothing is out of context. Me you going to introduce me to your work friends as your boyfriend? oooooooo Her: As Adam probably! Link to comment
weathergirl Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 That's the only thing really keeping me here. Lately I've just been out off from the texts I've posted, so nothing is out of context. I have an idea...why not pull back on all the texting? That way you won't become anxious/insecure when she doesn't text back! If she texts you first...then respond back with something quick...but don't engage her...do that in person when you actually see her. Focus your energies on the time you actually spend together...3-4 times a week is a pretty fair amount of time to spend!! During the time you are apart... work out, go out with friends, work, read a book...anything to keep you busy and your mind off what SHE is doing. Just a thought... Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 I definitely am cutting back on the texting, even though I was only at 1-2 a day to begin with. Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 You really need to back off on this bf title and announcing it to one and all. I have been with my bf for 5 years and we introduce each other by name...not 'this is my bf/partner". Link to comment
weathergirl Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I definitely am cutting back on the texting, even though I was only at 1-2 a day to begin with. Good...if she wants to touch base...let her text you. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 I have an idea...why not pull back on all the texting? That way you won't become anxious/insecure when she doesn't text back! If she texts you first...then respond back with something quick...but don't engage her...do that in person when you actually see her. Focus your energies on the time you actually spend together...3-4 times a week is a pretty fair amount of time to spend!! During the time you are apart... work out, go out with friends, work, read a book...anything to keep you busy and your mind off what SHE is doing. Just a thought... I could star in another groundhog day movie. That's been what I've tried to do consistenly from the beginning. Yet always end up back here complaining to you guys/gals. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 You really need to back off on this bf title and announcing it to one and all. I have been with my bf for 5 years and we introduce each other by name...not 'this is my bf/partner". I never bring the title up to her, this was just a case from earlier where she made it seem like a big deal if her co workers knew someone was dating her. Which won't ever make sense to me. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Also...if she wonders why you are not texting...first off that's a good thing... and second tell her the truth...that she is so often unresponsive, you got the impression texting wasn't that important to her. Don't say something is "okay" when it's clearly not okay..that's dishonest which isn't fair to her or you! Cold..if this relationship is gonna work...you have to stop walking on eggshells and being afraid to rock the boat a little. If you're pissed/irritated about something...speak up! Not in a mean, accusatory or demanding way...which I gather is not your style anyway...but do speak up. Trust me she will respect you for it! Suffering in silence just causes resentment and never resolves anything... Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 You brought it up in the text and you were the one who started the FB debacle. And it doesn't need to be discussed or even asked. You go to the party, you introduce yourself by name. IF she wants to come up beside you and say "he's my bf " or "we are dating" that is her choice. You seem like you have a need to stake a claim. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 You do realize that she lives a different lifestyle from you. She is in the culinary/bar field that runs on a different clock. Hanging out and having drinks after a shift is fairly normal in her profession. If she does not have smartphone texting can be a pain in the azz. If she is highly social and has a full life she is probably not sitting at her phone with bated breath. Does that mean that makes her wrong? No. Does that make you wrong? No. But it might make you incompatible. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 You do realize that she lives a different lifestyle from you. She is in the culinary/bar field that runs on a different clock. Hanging out and having drinks after a shift is fairly normal in her profession. If she does not have smartphone texting can be a pain in the azz. If she is highly social and has a full life she is probably not sitting at her phone with bated breath. Does that mean that makes her wrong? No. Does that make you wrong? No. But it might make you incompatible. I'm on the same sort of clock though. I'm usually up real late as she is. When were together it's usually a late evening. Just the non acknowledgment of one text that was sent earlier in the day that bugged me. I don't believe that she didn't look at her phone on all that time, but that's my problem. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I never bring the title up to her, this was just a case from earlier where she made it seem like a big deal if her co workers knew someone was dating her. Which won't ever make sense to me. My take is she seems hesitant to give up her independence...assure her that one can be independent AND be part of a close intimate relationship at the same time. I am!! Talk to her!!! What scares you about talking about this stuff with her? It's important and it's how a couple develops emotional intimacy and grows closer together! Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 You brought it up in the text and you were the one who started the FB debacle. And it doesn't need to be discussed or even asked. You go to the party, you introduce yourself by name. IF she wants to come up beside you and say "he's my bf " or "we are dating" that is her choice. You seem like you have a need to stake a claim. I'm glad you said that because I hate the idea of staking claim. Maybe it comes from not feeling important to her a lot of times. Which is where the insecure behavior comes from. The texting thing is just texting and I see what everyone is saying here. I initiate nearly anything physical or romantic. Cuddling, kissing, sex, massages, exclusive talk, bf/gf talk Oh. We went to her favorite bar the night I asked to be her boyfriend, and we were talking about Valentine's day, she asked if she was supposed to get me anything. In fairness I didn't ask to be her boyfriend until after the bar. I hope I heard it right since it was busy night and sort of loud. I'm almost positive she ask if she was supposed to get me anything and if so what. I told her that I got her something because I wanted to, the rest is up to her. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I agree with others. You need to level set with her. Are you afraid of her answers? Link to comment
janut1 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Im curious. How old is she? I think you said you are in your 30's. She seems a bit immature at times thats why Im asking. Why would she ask you if she is supposed to get you anything? Weird question, you think she would just do it instinctively. If I had a BF right now and was in a exclusive relationship, I would be sure to get him something for Valentines Day even if just something small. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 With regard to her asking if she should get you anything for Vday....it appears my initial impression was correct...she just doesn't know how to interact within the context of a romantic exclusive relationship. You may have to "hold her hand" through all this...and speak up!!! Otherwise she just won't know and will continue behaving in ways that throw you completely off balance...and keep you feeling anxious/insecure. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 She'll be 30 this Friday. I'm 30. If it makes anuthing look more positive. She said I could invite people too, and that then she could meet some of my friends. I put out a plea on two days notice to my friends, it would mean a lot to me to have my friends and her friends all together. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 I agree with others. You need to level set with her. Are you afraid of her answers? I'm not even sure what to say. I guess just speak from the heart. I've always thought this was all a problem with me and I don't want to scare her off. It's also not fair to do this to myself either though. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 You're anxious when she texts you. You're anxious when she doesn't text you. You're anxious when you see her. You're anxious when you don't see her. You get what you want (she agrees to be your GF) and what happens? You're anxious! I guess I don't know what it is that will ease your anxiety. Link to comment
bluebell29 Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Hmmm honestly I don't think the OP is overly anxious - a lot of us that write in here are over-analysers or anxious and he's using this forum to vent which is fine. I also think that his anxiety is not all unjustified. I too would expect more enthusiasm from her when he's been so sweet and thoughtful at his end. OP, I would strongly advise that you ease off a bit on her if you can. I feel like you never give her a chance to step up her game and so she doesn't feel like she ever has to. Don't always be the one who begins and ends every convo. A relationship is a two way street. Create some space for her to step up in and be patient. Otherwise she may just end up feeling smothered or get lazy. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 I got a couple of maybes and my friend and his wife agreed to go. I feel much better. I've got back up! Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 11, 2015 Author Share Posted February 11, 2015 Sent her a message letting her know of my friends are coming and who the maybes were. She said "nice!". I asked her when I should be there Friday so we can go to dinner. Whenever she lets me know that, there isn't much I need to say. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I could star in another groundhog day movie. That's been what I've tried to do consistenly from the beginning. Yet always end up back here complaining to you guys/gals. It's groundhog day because you I think this forum has become a way of enabling your fears and insecurity. You seem to thank each poster who consistently mirrors that part of you that is in a consistent state of dissatisfaction with her. Basically reminds me of a guy with a drinking problem hanging out with some friends at a bar and yet unable to understand why he keeps getting drunk. I really think that the problem is attraction to the challenge. But that's for another day ... Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I hate to say this, but I agree 100% with this. I have been through anxiety around a relationship and posted here about it a lot. I realize now that I am not in contact with this guy, I am sleeping again, and not worried about when and if he will text me. I feel so much better emotionally. I also learned through that experience that relationships or dating should not be that hard. It will drive you mad, really! I would consider laying this on the line with her. Letting her know how you like to communicate, how it feels when she doesn't answer, etc. You have nothing to lose. Otherwise, I don't think this is going to last if expectations are not talked about now that you are BF/GF supposedly. But .... sorry to call you out ... you are very attracted to bad boys who are emotionally unavailable. Which is sort of my point with the op. Link to comment
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