janut1 Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 But .... sorry to call you out ... you are very attracted to bad boys who are emotionally unavailable. Which is sort of my point with the op. No need to apologize! Yes I am and he was the one I felt all this same anxiety about, so I can relate. Although I don't think she is a "bad girl". Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Share Posted February 12, 2015 I've appreciated everyones different perspectives. Darcy thanks agon for that article the other day it was a good read. I don't think she's a "bad girl" either. Is she bad for me? Maybe. I'm starting to understand the lack of texting thing and it hasn't bothered me as much the more I thought of it. She still has invited me over pretty often the last few weeks, I rarely ask to go over there since I never know much until she gets out of work. Usually 10pm or midnight. I'm just looking forward to Friday and seeing how that goes. I KNOW I need to just try to look at it as having fun and not worrying about what the future will bring. Working hard on taking that point of view from now on. Link to comment
GhostB88 Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 Good job. And something tells me you'll have a much more concrete idea about where your relationship is heading after this Valentine's Day weekend. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I'm not even sure what to say. I guess just speak from the heart. I've always thought this was all a problem with me and I don't want to scare her off. It's also not fair to do this to myself either though. Scare her off? You may eventually 'turn" her off if you remain so passive....and don't speak up when things bother you...within reason of course. Just sayin... Link to comment
mhowe Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 Scare her off? You may eventually 'turn" her off if you remain so passive....and don't speak up when things bother you...within reason of course. Just sayin... No offense Weather girl...but your advice flip flops as much as your "I am leaving now" comments. You have told OP to be adamant and go for the gusto because his gf is unsure...and you are now 180 from that. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 44 pages and counting... Wow... Link to comment
weathergirl Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I "flip flop" as new info comes in from he OP....which sheds new light on his situation. He is so up and down and back and forth...I am trying to keep up with all of it and respond accordingly, that's all. If it bothers you...you don't have to read although I realize that's difficult to do.. But I often skip over your posts so feel free to skip over mine too. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I've appreciated everyones different perspectives. Darcy thanks agon for that article the other day it was a good read. It's a good article. The author does a great job. Hopefully you are feeling better. Link to comment
luxurylover Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 It's not a smart phone but it does have a keypad. to add a little levity to the situation: im concerned she's still in the T9 texting era Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 to add a little levity to the situation: im concerned she's still in the T9 texting era Lot's of people are still there. They are not in the minority but that minority is not as small as you might think. People on humble budgets tend to use them. And these types of users don't heavily text either. Link to comment
luxurylover Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 Lot's of people are still there. They are not in the minority but that minority is not as small as you might think. People on humble budgets tend to use them. And these types of users don't heavily text either. off topic: my mom still has one. a "bar" phone....which is a pain to text with in her defense coldarmy. I had the same problem with my boyfriend when we 1st started talking. it was opposite tho...he would text, and I mean only text. when ur trying to get to know someone im old school, I don't like to do that thru only text and I let him know that. I was str8 up. so we would do phone calls every now and then. he's not a "talk on the phone person", but once I told him it was important to me he made an effort...a small one but an effort just the same. it's important to let ppl know how u feel. im not saying it will change the person but I don't like when I have to walk on eggshells. I know ur scared of scaring her away and I have that fear too but it's all in how u word it and approach it sometimes. but if ur willing to accept the fact she's not a texter (as confirmed by her sister), then that's ok too. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Share Posted February 12, 2015 I planned to post more tomorrow, but she did ask why my texts the last few days came accross as "short". Link to comment
luxurylover Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 she did ask why my texts the last few days came accross as "short". aint that nothing....lol the pot calling the kettle black. wow people never cease to amaze me. when someone deviates from normal behavior no matter what that may be it always makes ppl wonder Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Share Posted February 12, 2015 Lol right?! I've got something planned in my mind that's sweet and cute tomorrow morning a few hours before I leave but that's it. Then I need to look out for myself. I'll post more tomorrow at work. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Share Posted February 12, 2015 It's also funny that she answered texts while we were at the bar tonight and didn't check her phone last night. Then asked if I was writing a novel when I was on my phone earlier. Link to comment
Rosti87 Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I planned to post more tomorrow, but she did ask why my texts the last few days came accross as "short". Because you suddenly changed from verbose texting to shorten texting. Just let her observation lay there. No need to respond or defend it. Link to comment
weathergirl Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I planned to post more tomorrow, but she did ask why my texts the last few days came accross as "short". Well...apparently SHE has no problem speaking up when something bothers HER... That's how it works....something doesn't sit right.....you speak up...you talk about it....hopefully resolve it...and now you're that much closer to achieving happiness and harmony in your relationship! But if you never say anything and suffer in silence...resentment builds and your relationship dies of attrition or drifts off into never never land... Good for her for speaking up and letting you know she noticed and wants to talk about it. YOUR turn! Wait till you see her in person though...and let her bring it up again. In the meantime...keep em short and let her wonder... Link to comment
weathergirl Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 It's also funny that she answered texts while we were at the bar tonight and didn't check her phone last night. Then asked if I was writing a novel when I was on my phone earlier. No it's actually not funny...not in the least. It IS very telling though... Link to comment
GhostB88 Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 I think it's getting closer to the time to discuss the communication protocols of the relationship. There's just more and more misunderstanding, and it seems that both of you are wondering why the other person is not acting "up to par" with regards to texting. If you guys are going to talk about your relationship this weekend, bring it up. Ask the following questions (for both sides): - how often should I text? (Once per day, hour, etc.) and when should I text? And when should I expect a text back? - how much should I say over text? (Paragraphs, sentences, words, letters, etc.) - how fast should I respond to text? (Day, hour, minute, second, etc.) - what topics (e.g. Love, feelings, complaints about work, personal issues) are ok to be texted vs. spoken over the phone vs. talked about in person? - how much and what kind lovey dovey stuff do your expect from one another? (Thoughtful texts, "I love you", hugs and kisses, pda, etc.) These are just some of the things that needs to be cleared up, I.e. You guys should be on the same page as much as possible, otherwise the misunderstandings and differing levels of expectations will ruin this relationship. I know bringing up these topics can be a killjoy to your romantic plans, so don't force yourself this weekend if the moment is not right, but also if you guys are discussing your relationship, don't let the chance slip by. Really sit down, spend some time and go over these questions. Also it's hard to get concrete answers for these questions sometimes, so throw out some concrete possibilities and get a feel of where the answer may be. E.g. If she doesn't know how many texts she expects from you, ask her if 1000 / day is ok (just an exaggeration, but it'll set a higher boundary), and start from there and adjust towards a more reasonable answer. Maybe in the end she'll say 2 / day or something like that. Also be open-minded and don't make assumptions (both of you) as the answers may shock you. E.g. I once thought my ex loved to make phone calls because she would call me everyday to talk to me and seemed happy about it, but once we brought up the topic (much later on), she admits that she hates phone calls and rather that we texted more than we talked on the phone, and she only did that because phone calls seemed to make me happy, when in reality I preferred texting over calling too. It was quite shocking for both of us, and it was unfortunate that we found out much later than we should have. Anyways, good luck tomorrow and on Valentine's Day! Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 Lol right?! I've got something planned in my mind that's sweet and cute tomorrow morning a few hours before I leave but that's it. Then I need to look out for myself. I'll post more tomorrow at work. I hope it's a phone call and not a text. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Share Posted February 12, 2015 No it's actually not funny...not in the least. It IS very telling though... As bad as it sounds? Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Share Posted February 12, 2015 so I ended up talking to her about our relationship and how we are obviously different in how we express our feelings. Much different. I said that I am more of the verbal affirmation type and expressed my concern that I feel that I initiate everything when it comes to anything except setting up dates. I assured her that I understand our differences there and that I do recognize that she has spent a lot of time with me. But initiating everything I can at times feel that i am more into her than she is into me. She said she didn't know what to say to the last part, and I assured her I was just trying see if we are on the same page. I asked if she still felt guarded about me. She said yes and that she hasn't really dated anyone in a long time and that she still isn't sure how to act or what to say. Basically that she still is no good at expressing things. She said she doesn't like to over think things. That she's happy where we are at, that she likes spending time with me and that I should know that by how often we see each other. Also that I make her happy. So the not responding or texting me while she was out with work friends but answering texts while doing the same thing with me I'm just trying to see as.. Just something that happened. I didn't text her after she had gotten out of work, so maybe she just didn't see my earlier text to her or something. I don't know, I wish I had brought that up at the time but I was happy that she actually said something sweet and actually said something that actually relates to how she feels about me. Before I posted those last two late posts here last night. I posted about how I need to just see this as having fun and not necessarily more. I know Ibe given more than I've received. I'm not secure in what's there. I have tempered my expectations. I HAVE to look at it more positively though. I'm an awesome person, and if she never asks for more than this, then it's her loss. Any weekend advice? Hope everyone here has a good vday weekend. Link to comment
janut1 Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 Yes, its her loss if she doesn't ask for more then that. So now you know how she deals with her feelings. I have to say she seems a bit immature for her age though, JMO. By 30 years old you usually have a grasp on how to act and what to say in a relationship. And hopefully you can be with someone who is not good at expressing things too. She has a different communication style then you do for sure. In my opinion, you are a great guy and YES she is lucking to have YOU! You need to start thinking that way. Something I am working on myself now in therapy. I get to hang out with my daughter and grandson on Vday, which is fine with me! We will be making cookies and having fun. Sunday is my 2nd date with the new guy! We are going to the beach for a picnic and will be hanging out in the city after that. I'm pretty excited about it. This guy is very communicative and expressive which I really like. That style works better for me. Link to comment
Coldarmy13 Posted February 12, 2015 Author Share Posted February 12, 2015 Congrats! I'm happy for you! I like her too much to give up on her at this point though. Link to comment
janut1 Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 Congrats! I'm happy for you! I like her too much to give up on her at this point though. Yes, I get that. Time will tell if her communication style works for you in the long run. Hopefully she will make some changes when she feels more comfortable with what to say and how to act. Have a great time at the bday party and Vday too! Link to comment
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