deathbydew907 Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I need some advice... I am a extremely productive person. I have always worked my ass off and succeeded in all that I have set out to do- I have an amazing career making very good money, a house of my own, and anything else I could want. I have dated a fairly unproductive person for the past 15 months. I find him very attractive, funny, and we have very similar personalities when it comes to everything else (which is very rare for me). He is struggling financially and his plan to overcome the financial issues was to buy and fix up a home that was deeply distressed. I keep telling him it is an awesome plan. But for the past year and a half, that's mostly what it has been- a "plan". Yes, he has done some work to it. But he prioritizes "gaming" over fixing up his place to sell and dig himself out of the financial debt he has put himself in. This past week we got in a huge argument over it and he decided to "shut down" and not work on the place rather than spending a little time on the remodel to spite me. He tells me he doesn't want me to pressure him. Oh, did I mention he is 10 years older than me? I am not sure how much suffering I should put myself through, or if I should just accept that not everyone is as successful and motivated as me and just appreciate our similarities and do all the work for him (which is what I, and his mom, have been doing). Also, not sure how much this matters, but I am very attractive and have a waiting list of guys ready to do anything for me. It's very frustrating that I have been so patient, giving, understanding, motivating, and trying to do anything for him and he doesn't seem to appreciate it or care. Just tonight I told him for about the 5th time that if he continues to game the way he does, it will be the end to our relationship. He said okay and that he will try to work on it. Not sure if counseling would help if he continues to act like the child he is being. He is almost 40 and I am 30. Link to comment
BigKK Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 By gaming I assume computer games? I can elaborate if you'd like, but I will make it very simple. He won't change, and this is how he is...if you like it stay, if not walk. Don't waste your time hoping a 40 year old man will change his spending habits, stop video gaming a lot, and pull himself out of debt. Am I far off guessing that you help him out financially as of right now? Link to comment
JDMxTeGrA101 Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Wow he is one lucky man to have you for being patient. At 40, he should've been set Link to comment
deathbydew907 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 I buy him groceries and just stuff that make me think of him. I probably spent about $600 on Christmas gifts for him. All of my friends tell me to move on and I deserve way better, but I seem to be the "caring type" and try to take care of others... It's hard to let go. Link to comment
deathbydew907 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Share Posted January 12, 2015 He had a kind of nasty divorce about 4 years ago in which he inherited some debt and she got the savings account. Since then he has quadrupled his debt without much to show for it. Frustrating, but with my mentality of being able to succeed in everything, it is hard to let go. He is a very nice and caring guy and I have this want to help him out. Thank goodness I have refrained from paying his debt for him. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 He's not going to change and has no real incentive to do so. He's taking advantage of you financially. Link to comment
peterl Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Theres noone who likes gaming or cozing up at home watching movies/series as much as i do, and i could do that for days and never come out of the house if i could. But hell when there are things that need to be done i rise up to it. When my family had debt i worked literally 15 hours 2 sometimes 3 jobs till i finally helped them get over it. Im always on the clock at every apointment and whenever i have to get up in the morning for work or for something that nees to be done ill never say a word even its 4-5am. Im saying this because i think most people over 20 are like that. Im 25 myself. In the end it comes down to his sense of responsibilty imo. Did he grow up in a family where he had to do nothing and he was always taken care of by others? If so i dont see him changing his habits. Hes 40y old for christ sake dont think you can wait around for him to change Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 By gaming I assume computer games? I can elaborate if you'd like, but I will make it very simple. He won't change, and this is how he is...if you like it stay, if not walk. Don't waste your time hoping a 40 year old man will change his spending habits, stop video gaming a lot, and pull himself out of debt. Am I far off guessing that you help him out financially as of right now? This. Look, I was in a comparable situations a while ago. Guys like this do not change. You have to do what is right for you. Link to comment
CraigHowes Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 There are three different type of people in this world. People who know who they are and their purpose for being here. People who know there is more out there for them and are still searching for that purpose. Lastly there are the people who settle they get comfortable and stop challenging themselves and essentially give up. There is nothing with any of the above but i would think your the first person and he is the last hence you have a completely different mindset. When things happen to us we either keep fighting or we let the situation keep us down. It sounds like he has given up and has stopped trying. It's up to him to find that inner motivation and you have to ask yourself what am i getting out of this. Your getting the companionship of another human but it's turned into the carer and patient role. This is no way to build a fulfilling relationship. Eventually you will be tired of supporting him and trying to get him back on his feet. Remember you can't live someone else's life for them and it sounds like you have many qualities that make you a great partner. I would consider your options in regards to staying in this relationship. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 and do all the work for him ( NO. He is not a fixer-upper like the house. He's someone you will just pour money time and effort into without any kind of return. He's nearly 40. He is who he is. Don't throw yourself away on him. If you have a waiting list of guys, don't wreck yourself over this one. You won't have it forever. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 Sounds like you are stuck on trying to fix him. Basically, he is a challenge for you and your nature of "I succeed at everything I put my mind to" is actually harming you in this case, as it's making you refuse to walk away when you should. He is a human being, not a fixer upper project. You are not going to change him and make him be who you want him to be. Either you like him as is and are willing to support him as a dependent like a child, because that's all he'll ever be or you need to go and date a man who is who you want him to be. This guy is not going to change no matter how much you push, pull, mother him, do things for him, nag him, encourage him, talk to him, throw opportunities his way, etc. If anything, it sounds like he is starting to resent you for it. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I buy him groceries and just stuff that make me think of him. I probably spent about $600 on Christmas gifts for him. All of my friends tell me to move on and I deserve way better, but I seem to be the "caring type" and try to take care of others... It's hard to let go. Naaah, you can fool yourself about your motivations if you want, but the martyr routine is far more deeply rooted than this guy. And he plays right into it for you--this merry-to-misery-go-round is your thing. It's exactly what keeps you cycling around the guy. The problem is, it will NEVER get you what you want. This isn't meant to be insulting, but you may want to consider working with a therapist. You've assigned yourself a role as a caring person, but the most caring person in the world knows how to walk away from being taken for granted. Yet for you, it's catnip. You're acting out some form of approval seeking, and this guy likely isn't your first rodeo. You may have found yourself doing this 'for' friends, 'for' family, 'for' teachers--and most especially anyone who tends to withhold their approval from you. It would be easy for us all to just say to skip that--but you're invested in this particular form of manipulation, and you do get a certain high from it. Until it's clear that reciprocation won't happen--and then you can pull out the "I'm so good and giving card," and you can nurse the wounds of the lack of appreciation. This is a cycle that you'll only seek out to keep doing in every relationship unless and until you work out your unmet needs and your underlying driver. I'd pursue an expert in abandonment issues, and I'd do the work. From there, you'll be able to reach for your best decision making abilities and you'll make the best choices for yourself. Head high. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 >> He said okay and that he will try to work on it 'Trying' to work on it = screw you, i'm going to keep doing it and just pacify you with empty promises every time you ask about it. Look, i was married to a guy like this. It is no coincidence that he seeks out a really together woman who is financially reponsible and who he knows will alway pick up the slack and make sure he has a roof over his head while he screws off and piddles around like a teenaged boy. He is not going to change. he is 40. And over time, he will do less and less and end up with no job and you supporting him 100% while you totally lose respect for him and start to hate him because he's a lazy slacker. Been there, done that, got the tee-shirt. You do not want to go there. It took me a while to catch onto my ex's agenda, which was to say anything and to try to LOOK like he was interested in being a responsible adult, but he had no real interest in that. These type of men look for go-getter women, and he basically wants a mother to assume all responsibility for him, BUT a 'good' mommy who will just let him do anything he pleases, doesn't ask him to contribute anything to the adult relationship, and a mommy who takes on all his adult responsbilities for him. I divorced him when I woke up one day and realized I wanted a man who was honorable enough to keep his promises to me, and who wasn't a giant man-baby. I think you will do the same. So cut to the chase and get him out of your life before you marry and go down that road then have to go thru the trauma of not only throwing him out, but a divorce. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 >>I have been so patient, giving, understanding, motivating, and trying to do anything for him and he doesn't seem to appreciate it or care. btw, that is your biggest clue. A man-baby is no different than a baby. A baby doesn't appreciate what his mother does for him, it just EXPECTS to open its mouth and cry and Mommy will make it all better. In baby's head, it is mommy's JOB to take care of baby and make baby happy, so why should he appreciate you at all? So all you will hear is baby's cries and complaints when baby doesn't get what baby wants. And baby expects to be left alone to play with his toys and will scream and call you a bad Mommy if you try to stop him or tell him he needs to clean his room. And baby shouldn't ever have to take care of Mommy or worry about things like money. It just wants its rattle to distract itself (gaming) and for Mommy to feed, burp, and powder his sweet behind. So you'll be the perpetual giver, and him the perpetual taker. Big, fat, man-baby alert! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 I agree with being as honest as possible about what you're getting out of this and once you understand how it benefits you that will be an initial step towards making different choices. And yes you are 30 -when you are 35 you might look just as beautiful or even more so and be an even better person but if you want biological children you will feel more pressured to meet someone and that can come accross as kind of desperate. Just consider it so you don't waste this prime time of meeting someone. Link to comment
chickadeedee Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 And you have told him FIVE TIMES he needs to change but he doesn't? You should have been gone after he reneged on time number one. He's fully confident Mommy will never abandon baby. And you've proven to him that you won't. So he doesn't take you seriously at all. And more importantly, he has no intention of changing. People like this will just take, take, take until they are cut off or dumped, then they just go find a new Mommy to take care of them. That is what my ex did. He had a new woman lined up in a nanosecond after I tossed him out and went to live with her. They married, and he did the same thing to her he did to me, and he stayed there until wife #2 tossed him out. Last i heard he was living in his brother/sister-in-laws basement and i imagine will sponge off of them until the sister-in-law gives her husband an ultimatum that the man-baby in the basement needs to go or she will. Link to comment
redswim30 Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 He is treating you like you are his mommy, not a partner in an adult and loving relationship. He's not going to change. He doesn't want to. Here's the thing about divorced people. (I can say this as I myself am divorced). Many divorced people(not all) bend the truth about what they may have done wrong or ways they contributed to their divorce. Either they sweep the issue clear under the rug and never tell you, flat out lie, or else villainize their former spouse to look better. Are you 100% sure his ex got the savings account? Maybe there wasn't a savings account. Or maybe there's a reason he owed her money. But something doesn't add up in this story of his. Because let me tell you this, in most divorces, All financial accounts are considered "joint property" and are split 50/50. I doubt he would just want to "give up" his share. So, this leads me to believe that either they didn't have saving account at all or else he did something that merited her getting 100% of it. A reason like putting her in massive debt, which she would have had to prove to get it all. No judge is going to approve 100% of an asset to one person, unless the other did something massively wrong. Or perhaps the savings was always hers, and he didn't contribute. Just something to think about. You were right not to pay his debt. Don't start now. Clearly, he has problems being responsible and mature. Unless you want to have a 40 year old child, I'd end this relationship now. You have different life priorities and goals. I don't think this is going to work in the long term unless you want to be his doormat, his mommy AND be responsible for his debt if you ever got married. IMVHO, The only real question to ask yourself is how long you want to continue to baby him and let him call all the shots. He will continue this for as long as you allow it. Link to comment
redswim30 Posted January 12, 2015 Share Posted January 12, 2015 ^ THIS. ALL. OF. THIS. Are our ex-husbands twins, chickadee? LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment
quirky Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 Does he have a job? Although I agree he doesn't sound motivated, and that is not only a turn off but challenges a woman's sense of security with a man, your own vibe comes accross off too. To me at least. Most people don't change unless something dramatic happens in their life or unless they feel unconditional love from someone. Love propells real change more than judgement does. Why do you think you are with him, what are you getting out of it? Link to comment
deathbydew907 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Share Posted January 13, 2015 Does he have a job? Why do you think you are with him, what are you getting out of it? He does have a job- he makes about 2/3 the amount that I make. I am getting companionship out of the relationship. We get along great most of the time. We are both really into camping, hunting, shooting (he built me a shotgun a few months into our relationship). We started working out together, then that ended around the time he started gaming, which was about 3 months ago after we built the deck together at his fixer upper home. Things have been good most of the time. The gaming has seemed to have sent him into a dark place that I am hoping he will come out of, but I am not so sure. I don't ask him for hardly anything, maybe a small task once a month. This past month he offered to fill up my windshield wiper fluid if I bought some (during the gaming darkness period), so I did and put it in the front passenger seat for him to see. He pushed it over with his leg and focused on his phone when he got in my truck. The next day I put it on the seat and he took it and moved it to the back seat, got in and got on his phone to game. Finally after a few days, I just did it myself. I told him after I did it myself that I had waited 5 days for him to do it after he said he would and then just did it himself. He said sorry. The problems seem to arise when I expect something out of him, like to work on the bathroom instead of sitting around gaming. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 The essential source of your issue is his addiction to gaming. He needs professional help, but he needs to want it. He seems to be deep into his addiction, and shows no desire to stop gaming. You stated that you have other options....so what are you waiting for?? chi Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 I don't think you should up and leave him, since it sounds like you have a good time together, but he does need help for that gaming addiction. If that could be gotten out of the way, then maybe he would be able to be more productive within other aspects of his life. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 I don't think you should up and leave him, since it sounds like you have a good time together, but he does need help for that gaming addiction. If that could be gotten out of the way, then maybe he would be able to be more productive within other aspects of his life. No. It's not your job to play social worker with someone else--especially when your job IS your own recovery. Skip the guy, he's a distraction. Focus on your own life and getting your own act together. You will thank yourself later. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 I am getting companionship out of the relationship. In all honesty, you would get a better deal from owning a dog. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 I don't think you should up and leave him, since it sounds like you have a good time together, but he does need help for that gaming addiction. If that could be gotten out of the way, then maybe he would be able to be more productive within other aspects of his life. This is one of the few places where an ultimatum is needed. She needs to tell him, "Get help, or get out." And then follow through. If he is not get getting help but only "working on it" one month after that discussion she needs to boot him. Link to comment
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