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Is it weird or inappropriate to ask someone out through social media?


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I have this co-worker who I’ve been crushing on, but I never made a move since I don’t date at work. But I got word that her two weeks were in and that her last day was supposed to be today. I had my hopes set on asking her out today, but there was a last minute schedule change and her last day ended up being yesterday on my day off instead of today.

I’m bummed about missing my chance on asking her out and now I’m thinking that my only real option is through her socials. The only social that I have is Instagram and I’m thinking of adding her as a friend, DM’ing her and asking her out there. But I have some reservations about it. I know that a lot of girls prefer to be asked out in person. Believe me, I’d much rather ask her out in real life, but this seems to be my only option. We got along just fine and I know that she’s single, so I don’t think it be too weird, but there’s still that anxious, overthinking part of my brain that’s giving me pause. What do you think?

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I wouldn't so much as ask her out on a date before getting signals in person she's interested in that. But I don't see anything wrong with messaging her saying something like, "I didn't get to see you on your last day to wish you good luck at your next job. I had fun working with you. If you're free on X or Y day, I'd love to take you to lunch to hear all about your plans."

Then leave the ball in her court. If she says she's busy and doesn't suggest an alternative date, leave her alone. If she agrees to meeting up, let time reveal if she's as interested in you as you are of her--or not.

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11 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I wouldn't so much as ask her out on a date before getting signals in person she's interested in that. But I don't see anything wrong with messaging her saying something like, "I didn't get to see you on your last day to wish you good luck at your next job. I had fun working with you. If you're free on X or Y day, I'd love to take you to lunch to hear all about your plans."

Then leave the ball in her court. If she says she's busy and doesn't suggest an alternative date, leave her alone. If she agrees to meeting up, let time reveal if she's as interested in you as you are of her--or not.

I actually do feel good about some of the signs and signals I got from her in terms of her being interested.

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Do connect with her through social media.  I'd say something non-committal when arranging a 1st get together.  Normally I am a big proponent of making it clear that something is a date.  Here I'm advocating the opposite.  

@spicyalien seems to be on the same page. 

Reach out & say you were bummed about not getting to say farewell in person.  Offer to take her out for a drink to celebrate her new job.  Feel her out during the drink & end that meeting by inquiring if it would be OK to ask her for a date sometime.  If she declines the drink invitation she was never interested.  

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Is it weird or inappropriate to ask someone out through social media?

In todays age, I think at least 95% of asking somebody out, is happening through social media. So, its not weird and inappropriate.

However, I would probably see if she is "responsive" first. If you see that she takes hours to respond or has "one note" answers, dont ask her out. If you she that she is genuinely excited to talk, than ask her out for a coffee or a drinks. Say how you never got an opportunity to buy her a drink so you want to do it now. But again, only if she is responsive.

 
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I like @TeeDee's advice.

I don't think there's anything wrong with adding her and building a rapport with her through social media. 

This gives both of you the opportunity to get to know each other outside of the workplace without the pressure of immediately going on a date. 

Now, I know some might be of the opinion that you should just go for it and ask her out right away, but considering you never really had a chance to ask her out in person before, it might come off a little strong and overwhelming for her at this point.  

Good luck! 

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Work slowly.  Social media is fine as long as you're discreet.  Take your time.  Then suggest meeting for coffee and building rapport from there.  You don't know her that well yet so get to know her better.  This will be an opportunity for you to decide if you actually like her personality and character before deciding on going out on a date.  Haste makes waste. 

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3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Work slowly.  Social media is fine as long as you're discreet.  Take your time.  Then suggest meeting for coffee and building rapport from there.  You don't know her that well yet so get to know her better.  This will be an opportunity for you to decide if you actually like her personality and character before deciding on going out on a date.  Haste makes waste. 

I'm getting some sound advice from everyone here, but I do have one more thing in the back of my mind bothering me.

Our job is a retail store. My crush had mentioned once that she lives very close in the area and that our store is the closest to her house. I'm keeping in mind the possibility that she might occasionally stop by to shop and visit and I'd obviously take my shot with talking to her in an event like that. But I just don't know if she's ever going to do that. She seemed pretty miserable here and I wouldn't be surprised if she just wants to officially be done with this place and never set foot in here again.

What I'm getting at is that I don't want to come off as too eager and desperate by DMing her so soon after she left and possibly scaring her off, especially giving her a reason to not shop here and visit old co-workers if she ever planned on it. Should I make an attempt at messaging her on Instagram first or should I take a beat and maybe wait to see if she ever decides to show up at this job in person just as a shopper/customer?

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If the only contact you have is social media, then do it by social media. The other alternative would be to do nothing and lose your chance forever. I don't think that's what you want though. 😉 In the future may I recommend getting a phone number and calling? It's not quite in person, but gives more of a personal feeling then communicating through words on a screen. And exchanging contact information isn't out of the ordinary if someone leaves a job. You never know when you might need someone as a reference or when a new job oportunity might come up that one of you can recommend to the other. Plus, it separates you from the masses that do everything by social media, making you more likely to stick out in someone's mind. 

I would strike while the irons hot. Waiting is leaving it up to chance. You could be sitting around for weeks and she never show up. Anything could happen in that time. She could find a relationship. You could find excuses to delay and delay and never end up messaging her. You don't know. So why wait? If this is something you want to do, then seize the day. And you have a built in reason to message her, you missed her last day and didn't get to say goodbye.. Offer to treat her to lunch or something. If it goes well, ask her out again. That wouldn't be eager and desparate, that would be a co-worker wanting to treat a friend. By waiting, wouldn't it also run the risk of seeming out that you messaged her out of nowhere? If both ways comes with risks, why not get it over with and do it now?

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5 hours ago, spicyalien said:

I'm getting some sound advice from everyone here, but I do have one more thing in the back of my mind bothering me.

Our job is a retail store. My crush had mentioned once that she lives very close in the area and that our store is the closest to her house. I'm keeping in mind the possibility that she might occasionally stop by to shop and visit and I'd obviously take my shot with talking to her in an event like that. But I just don't know if she's ever going to do that. She seemed pretty miserable here and I wouldn't be surprised if she just wants to officially be done with this place and never set foot in here again.

What I'm getting at is that I don't want to come off as too eager and desperate by DMing her so soon after she left and possibly scaring her off, especially giving her a reason to not shop here and visit old co-workers if she ever planned on it. Should I make an attempt at messaging her on Instagram first or should I take a beat and maybe wait to see if she ever decides to show up at this job in person just as a shopper/customer?

I don't think there's anything wrong with DMing her.  Whether you see her in person at the shop or DM her,  it's all the same.  Either she'll want to meet you for coffee or she won't.  It doesn't matter where or when.  Just be gentle though.  Don't be perceived as too eager and over zealous with charm whenever you are with her.  Start out gradually and be nice without scaring her off.  Allow your friendship to evolve and possibly blossom into something more if it was meant to go in that direction.  You and she will know.  Let time and how both of you engage in conversations allow the rapport to flourish.  Act natural.  Be kind.  I can't speak for every lady but for me,  that's attractive.  Women pay attention to how kind and considerate you are.  Be a very sincere gentleman and let that shine in you for her.  Don't rush and don't be in a hurry.  Don't agonize over this. 

Be nice,  never interrupt,  be a great listener,  exercise great manners and everything else will take care of itself. 

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On 6/8/2024 at 8:28 PM, spicyalien said:

...but I do have one more thing in the back of my mind bothering me.

You're overthinking. Message and learn whether she's willing to build rapport. If so, great. If not, then none of the other stuff you're making up in your head matters.

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I agree with everyone else that it shouldn’t be an issue going through social media if that’s the only way you are able to talk to her. If you are able to get her number somehow, then I would ask her out by phone and have something in mind based on what you’ve talked about. I’m thinking doing it over the phone shows more confidence. 

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So at what point do I begin worrying about her not accepting my follow request on Instagram? It's officially been 25 hours since I sent the request and nothing. It still says "Requested" where the follow bar is and her follower/following count hasn't gone up. The simplest explanation might be that she simply hasn't logged on since I sent the request, but I'm starting to worry.

If she doesn't frequent Instagram, then who knows how long I'll be waiting? I want to message her sooner than later and this isn't helping my anxiety at all.

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2 hours ago, spicyalien said:

So at what point do I begin worrying about her not accepting my follow request on Instagram? It's officially been 25 hours since I sent the request and nothing. It still says "Requested" where the follow bar is and her follower/following count hasn't gone up. The simplest explanation might be that she simply hasn't logged on since I sent the request, but I'm starting to worry.

If she doesn't frequent Instagram, then who knows how long I'll be waiting? I want to message her sooner than later and this isn't helping my anxiety at all.

Not everyone is on IG everyday. Your backup could be LinkedIn. That's a pretty standard place for coworkers and ex-coworkers to maintain contact.

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3 hours ago, spicyalien said:

So at what point do I begin worrying about her not accepting my follow request on Instagram? It's officially been 25 hours since I sent the request and nothing.

If she doesnt accept you in a less than an hour you got snubbed. Sorry buddy.

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23 minutes ago, spicyalien said:

Seriously?

More of a caricature. But basically yes, they have phones glued to their hand right now and they get a notification when request gets sent to them. If she didnt accepted the request in a day, there is a huge chance that she never will, sorry.

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What kind of person is she? Is she someone tied to her account nonstop? Or does she use it moderately?

Not everyone is reliant upon their phone or social media all the time. Sometimes life has other plans and things come up. I for one can go days without checking email or turning on my phone. Or maybe someone is disorganized or poor at managing time so puts things off. If you have no idea what she's doing or going through, best to not jump to conclusions.

The simplest answer is often the best answer. If her numbers haven't changed at all, good chance the account hasn't been active.

Regardless of what she does or does not do, don't worry or stress over it. This is one person, not the make or break point of your life. Either she responds and you see what happens. Or she doesn't and you will go on with your life and enjoy many more things. You also said there is a chance she will come to the store. So you never know what will happen. Keep yourself upon to all possibilities and just enjoy what life brings.

And I second using LinkedIn as a backup. Its good to connect not just socially but professionally as well.

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On 6/11/2024 at 10:05 PM, Kwothe28 said:

If she doesnt accept you in a less than an hour you got snubbed. Sorry buddy.

Agree^^.

In today's culture with our phones virtually glued to us (most of us), waiting longer than 24 hour to accept a simple follow request on SM suggests she's not interested, sorry.

On 6/8/2024 at 7:44 AM, spicyalien said:

I had my hopes set on asking her out today, but there was a last minute schedule change and her last day ended up being yesterday on my day off instead of today.

I also find this^ a bit suss.  She had a scheduled departure date set but suddenly on your day off, there was a last minute schedule change and when she arrived at work they told her to go home?  That sorry today will be your last day? 

I dunno I find that odd.  Something's off.

Just a thought but could it be possible you read her signals wrong?  That she wasn't as interested as you assumed her to be? 

JMO but I'd let this go. You're way overthinking this anyway. 

IF/when she ever drops by the store, be friendly, be cool and feel the sitch out.

Sorry man I wish I could be more positive but this doesn't sound good.  😞

 

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1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I also find this^ a bit suss.  She had a scheduled departure date set but suddenly on your day off, there was a last minute schedule change and when she arrived at work they told her to go home?  That sorry today will be your last day? 

It wasn’t just her who got that schedule change. A whole bunch of people got shifted around those days because our district director was making a last minute visit to basically inspect the store and there was a whole bunch of business needs that needed to be shifted around because of that. I can think of at least 5-6 other co-workers who had days shifted because of it.

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12 hours ago, ShySoul said:

What kind of person is she? Is she someone tied to her account nonstop? Or does she use it moderately?

Not everyone is reliant upon their phone or social media all the time. Sometimes life has other plans and things come up. I for one can go days without checking email or turning on my phone. Or maybe someone is disorganized or poor at managing time so puts things off. If you have no idea what she's doing or going through, best to not jump to conclusions.

The simplest answer is often the best answer. If her numbers haven't changed at all, good chance the account hasn't been active.

Regardless of what she does or does not do, don't worry or stress over it. This is one person, not the make or break point of your life. Either she responds and you see what happens. Or she doesn't and you will go on with your life and enjoy many more things. You also said there is a chance she will come to the store. So you never know what will happen. Keep yourself upon to all possibilities and just enjoy what life brings.

And I second using LinkedIn as a backup. Its good to connect not just socially but professionally as well.

Her LinkedIn is definitely not active. She hasn’t updated anything on that profile since 2018.

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Alright, it’s looking pretty clear that she’s just gonna leave me hanging. Her account is private, but I see that she’s had an increase in her followers/following and her posts.

This seriously pisses me off. This is the fifth time in the past couple of months that I’ve tried to follow a crush on Instagram and all five of them just leave me hanging on “Requested”. One or two is one thing, but all five? What gives? Is it just a girl thing? Is there some glitch with Instagram? Why do these girls just leave you hanging instead of just denying a request? It’s not like Instagram notifies you if you’re rejected. I honestly couldn’t care less if they reject my request. If anything, I’d prefer it so I can get a definitive answer over just waiting and hoping that they’ll eventually accept.

Rant over. Sorry. This is just a regular thing for me and it’s incredibly frustrating.

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3 hours ago, spicyalien said:

This seriously pisses me off. This is the fifth time in the past couple of months that I’ve tried to follow a crush on Instagram and all five of them just leave me hanging on “Requested”.

At ancient times(also known as 2000s) I usually at least got a response from women. But now times have changed with social media. In ancient times there wasnt an oversaturated market and you were one of the few with her phone number. Now anybody can just shoot her a request and message. So that reflected on overall rate of response. It became way too easy to just ignore certain people. As there are 5 more like you standing behind the corner also adding on socials.

Anyway, I think you are looking at it way too negative. Its always better to at least try something and fail than to never try anything and always asking "What if". Now you do have a definite answer that she doesnt like you back in any capacity so you can move on. Alternatively you could have lost a lot of time there just wondering if she likes you or even messaging her trying for her to like you. Like this, you just cut through to answer and you can move on. You may not look at it as "better", but trust me, it is. Dont discourage yourself and try with some other woman. 

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