Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

Wise words and very true.

 

I think he'll be back as well. People with insecurities often end things to test you. To see if you'll fight for them...they want you to prove your love. If you don't contact them, they'll contact you...partly because they miss you...and partly because they want to manipulate you and see that you're missing them. I'd always find my ex on my doorstep 2-3 weeks after ever break up. It sucked. I hope that doesn't happen to you, it makes it super hard to stick to your guns...I took him back repeatedly (which I regret so much).

 

Are you considering blocking him for a bit until you're on the other side?

 

I'm glad you have gfs to talk with and have fun with. It sounds like a good group of friends...I hope you have an awesome day golfing, and as I always jokingly say to my dad, I hope you win

 

So far all I have done is deleted his number and all traces of it so I am not tempted. That and blocked his FB page just so I won't look.

 

I hadn't thought of blocking his number because in light of things just doesn't seem necessary.

I am not in such a fragile state that I couldn't talk to him if he did call. But again, there is something about him that makes me think he may not.

 

. . and the FB. He never wanted to be FB friends because in his words `he didn't want to see all my pictures with other guys' There was no convincing him that I don't have pictures with me with other men. Not in the way he suggested. But . . oh well. Petty.

[reinventmyself]

ahhhh . . the boy just walked in. One less thing to worry about.

Good thing I called in sick. . The graduation and protest are a block away from where I work.

It doesn't take much to create traffic havoc and possible lock downs in LA.

[WithLove]

Glad that's one less thing on your mind. And glad you went out with your friends and had fun!

[Fudgie]

I'm really glad you're taking a mental health day for yourself. Do you have anything good within walking distance you can enjoy?

[reinventmyself]

I'm really glad you're taking a mental health day for yourself. Do you have anything good within walking distance you can enjoy?

just waiting for my equally hung over gf's to wake up, rally and set a golf tee time.

For now . . my son is cooking me breakfast ;}

No whiners! right?!

[Fudgie]

Nothing feels better than someone making you breakfast, right??

[reinventmyself]

Nothing feels better than someone making you breakfast, right??

for sure! . .

[notalady]

 

. . and the FB. He never wanted to be FB friends because in his words `he didn't want to see all my pictures with other guys' There was no convincing him that I don't have pictures with me with other men. Not in the way he suggested. But . . oh well. Petty.

 

And that is true to form! In hindsight, also a red flag. Really he's so jealous and insecure that he can't bear to see photos of you on Facebook with other males (not ex's I assume)??

[reinventmyself]

To be fair the photos he could see had an ex from 12 yrs ago make comments on them. He's not in any of the pictures and has a girlfriend today. Hes a good guy and zero threat to anyone I date.

 

S noticed the comments and asked who he was and I told him. In turn he said he didn't want to be fb friends that way he wouldn't have to all the pictures of my ex and I together. But. .there aren't any. S had already worked himself up over this assumption. So there was no convincing him otherwise. I was annoyed enough to let it go. FB wasn't around 12 years ago. What-ever. His loss.

[Ms Darcy]

And that is true to form! In hindsight, also a red flag. Really he's so jealous and insecure that he can't bear to see photos of you on Facebook with other males (not ex's I assume)??

 

Totally agree!

[reinventmyself]

Having a particularly difficult morning. Pretty much expected it seeing I've managed to keep busy and distracted the past couple days.

I resist getting up off the couch and just sitting in the middle of the emotions hoping that the more I face them head on the faster they'll pass.

I know myself well enough that if I did force myself to go out, the urge to run back to my couch and to curl up and hide is too strong. Stuffing the anxiety and trying to do anything else at the moment is harder than just facing it. I hadn't even really cried til today so I guess it's clear the reality is setting in. Now I can't seem to stop.

I started writing my list of things S said and did that were red flags. I couldn't get through it and couldn't even reread what I had written last night so I knew where to pick up this morning. I think the old me would prefer to demonize an ex in order to get over them easier. But I don't want to do that here.

I really do love S, despite our challenges. It's the closest I have felt to a man in many years. The good was really good.

I want him to reach out and at the same time I am praying he doesn't. I miss him so much and nothing makes sense right now.

[Ms Darcy]

I am very sorry for how you are feeling. One day at a time.

[notalady]

Hugs for you reinvent!

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with "demonising" an ex to help get over them faster, if that just means focusing more on the bad than the good for a while.

[faraday]

Hugs for you reinvent!

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with "demonising" an ex to help get over them faster, if that just means focusing more on the bad than the good for a while.

 

That's how I've always rolled. I need to think someone is a jerkface to be able to get over them...otherwise, as time goes along my glasses become more and more rose tinted and I start to forget why we didn't work.

 

I'm sorry that you're sad today reinvent. I hope you found something to take your mind off things.

[notalady]

That's how I've always rolled. I need to think someone is a jerkface to be able to get over them...otherwise, as time goes along my glasses become more and more rose tinted and I start to forget why we didn't work.

 

Haha pretty much!

[reinventmyself]

. . Got my list back out

[WithLove]

Hugs to you today. I hope maybe some friends will convince you to come and and okay for a little while. It might be nice to gather them close.

[reinventmyself]

Hugs to you today. I hope maybe some friends will convince you to come and and okay for a little while. It might be nice to gather them close.

 

thx all

[reinventmyself]

My dear friend Eddie brought me icecream and distracted me for a couple hours.

[WithLove]

Well done, Eddie!

[Larkin]

My dear friend Eddie brought me icecream and distracted me for a couple hours.

 

Probably shouldn't mention that to S, if you reunite...

[browneyedgirl36]

. . Got my list back out

 

I made a list (and it was a rather long one!) I look back on it now (I found my old journals while cleaning recently), and it's hilarious. I just shake my head and think, "Whoa. What was I doing with THAT guy?!?" One item on the list took up an entire page. I had written, in huge capital letters, across the entire page, " IF HIS EX CAME BACK AND WANTED HIM BACK, HE'D DROP ME LIKE A SACK OF HOT ROCKS." Then, underneath it, smaller, I had written, "This is all I need to know."

 

Honestly, that list was hugely cathartic for me. And reading it six years later, I realize that every word of it was -- and probably still is -- very true. Thankfully, I don't have to deal with all that anymore. It's someone else's problem now!

 

Hang in there...you'll be just fine. You don't seem like a woman who is kept down for long.

[reinventmyself]

I'm all abouts lists!

My last serious relationship I was able to fill 4 full pages of mind f'ing comments he said to me. It was actually baffling and down right scary.

With S the things I write boils down to his insecurities. It doesn't make him a bad guy. Just a guy who has some stuff he needs to work on to be available for a intimate, trusting relationship.

I can't see him as a bad guy so it's not really having the impact I'm needing right now.

I think that's where I'm struggling on this one.

[Silverbirch]

So sorry that you're going through this.

 

You did say something else about him which I think was concerning - that he lacks empathy, and something else I can't quite recall - ? his communication style.

[reinventmyself]

So sorry that you're going through this.

 

You did say something else about him which I think was concerning - that he lacks empathy, and something else I can't quite recall - ? his communication style.

Sometimes he's on the mark and sometimes he so far off its hurtful.

I can't quite put my finger on it.

It's the circular convo's that freak me out though.

 

I got dressed today and visited with my mom, ran errands, treated myself to a new outfit and went to the market.

What's hard is doing normal everyday things when you don't feel anywhere near normal.

I am back on my couch. I feel kinda kooky that it's seems to be my safe place. Anything more than disappearing into the tv is too much right now.

I am supposed to have dinner with my son tonight. I haven't told him and don't want to. My sons aren't really keen on updates on their mom's love life, so I will keep this to myself. I almost want to cancel because other than what's on my mind I can't think of anything to talk to him about. Kinda hard to come up with some excuse to back out seeing I live with him

I was just walking out to my car from the market and some big goon had his truck door open on mine. I pointed it out to him in an not so nice way. He walked around and said he didn't see anything. I am pretty quiet and seething, fighting back the tears while putting the groceries in my car. "Come back here and you can see it" I tell him. He sees the mark he made, is apparently put out by it and asks if he could get his elderly mother in the store before he deals with me. I told him not to bother and drove off crying.

I feel like the biggest drama queen and baby today.

 

I put a call into my therapist. I've seen him off and on. .mostly off lately since 2000. He's been so much help for me over the years. He's a man my own age so it helps to get feedback from a man seeing most of my issues are with. . men.

I was trying to articulate it to my mom. If when I first starting going to therapy during my marriage, I was shut down and had no voice. I was conditioned that speaking up and telling a man how you felt meant you would be punished more. Well that was then, with the ex and that was the dynamic that didn't work.

Fast fwd:

I've spent a lot of money on therapy and dedicated a lot of time into setting my boundaries and respectfully speaking for myself and I continue to find myself in the same place. Where I am not heard, I don't get the empathy I deserve or that I give in return and my partner feels injured when I say ouch? wth! It messes with my head. Neither way works and I can't keep blaming it on them. As much as I am told that it's my poor choices, I can't believe I don't play a part in this is some other way.

 

Last time I went my therapist was after a bad break up. He told me `If wish you would come in and see me when you start one, not when you are grieving one' I ask: `why, do you want to be my dating coach?"

" Yes, exactly!" He responded laughing. Sadly, he wasn't joking.

No doubt he'll get my vm tonight, shaking his head, knowing dang well why I am calling him again over 2 years later.