Another online daing journal

[Silverbirch]

I think he probably doesn't even know that he is not treating you right. I would think that his preoccupations with your social life and who dance with who, etcare related to ? His ex-wife cheating on him. Sorry if I am wrong. I just thought that's what happened in his marriage, and it seems he has never been able to get past that. Have to admit that I have some of that type of baggage myself which is why I'm much better off having dogs for companions. I may not act it out the same way as S, but it's there. Then again, I don't think I have been with anyone who actually loved me - and it does seem you lived S.

[WithLove]

I'm glad you saw friends and had wine and vented a little. Good for you! I'm planning on doing something similar this weekend. No venting for me, but one of my friends needs to, and I wanna show my support. (plus, wine!)

 

How're you feeling today?

[reinventmyself]

I've been awake since 2:40. Uhg

[WithLove]

Yuck! Hit that coffee hard today.

[reinventmyself]

If I haven't said it enough, please know I'm greatful and moved by people whom I've never met that take the time give support and feedback

[Clarisse]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

On 4/2 you were having doubts about your compatibility but weren't sure if your feelings were justified or whether it was self-sabotage. Sounds to me like your instincts were spot on. You have never been compatible. You've been hopeful that things could change, but deep down you know they wouldn't. And you were right.

 

Perhaps there is some solace in that. You can trust your gut instincts. That's something you can take into your next relationship. If you ever date again.

 

Hugs.

[reinventmyself]

I think he probably doesn't even know that he is not treating you right. I would think that his preoccupations with your social life and who dance with who, etcare related to ? His ex-wife cheating on him. Sorry if I am wrong. I just thought that's what happened in his marriage, and it seems he has never been able to get past that. Have to admit that I have some of that type of baggage myself which is why I'm much better off having dogs for companions. I may not act it out the same way as S, but it's there. Then again, I don't think I have been with anyone who actually loved me - and it does seem you lived S.

 

Yes. . He's been cheated on. For that matter, so have I.

I pointed this out to him. I told him he wasn't unique and a lot people, if not the majority have been cheated on.

It doesn't mean you can demand special treatment or accommodations from your next partner.

I can catch myself feeling insecure and mistrusting at times. But that is my issue to deal with, not his.

[LightWave93]

My OCD kicks in every time I read your thread title. Please get a mod to change it.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out this time. It sounds like things had improved in many ways and that you guys were both making an earnest effort.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

[reinventmyself]

My OCD kicks in every time I read your thread title. Please get a mod to change it.

 

thx for the giggle.

Yah, it was a typo to start with and I joked about keeping it.

My brain is my faster than my typing and it's just indicative of my overall style I suppose.

It does annoy me every now and then.

Now that I know it annoys other too. . maybe I'll reconsider.

[reinventmyself]

I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out this time. It sounds like things had improved in many ways and that you guys were both making an earnest effort.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

 

Thx

 

I am running on adrenaline and anxiety the past couple days and I don't feel the lack of sleep while I am in overdrive.

. . I haven't cried yet. I am afraid to slow down because I have been there before its a painful gutted feeling. It's waiting for me, though.

 

Interesting, I don't have the urge to see him, talk to him. I've blocked every social outlet and deleted his numbers.

I think I have known for a while before it happened what the outcome would be so maybe I was preparing myself and I didn't even know it.

 

I was about to say it doesn't make any less sad but in reality, that's not true. It could be worse so I'll run with it and work with what I have.

 

It's just so hard to readjust the order in your life. When you become accustomed to something and it vanishes so quickly. I feel like I am walking and talking backwards at the same time to floor drops out beneath you.

 

It doesn't help that I have an employee with performance issues that I have to deal with. Counseling someone can be contentious and he pushes my buttons. I had arranged to meet with him yesterday but rescheduled it for this morning. I wasn't in a place that I could deal with it yesterday.

Honestly I wasn't much better this morning but I walked in and called him in to get it behind me.

I didn't need anymore things that keep me awake at night.

 

Funny, he's 30. My oldest sons age. .so I `get' young men. This self entitled young men gets my hackles up.

We got in a bit of debate over his last mistake and I am tired of the excuses and justifications over something that isn't debatable and documented. At what point

does someone say, `oops, sorry, I won't do it again' No. . not this one. He has an excuse for everything.

 

I found out he was making outside calls to the tune of 8 or more a day. Collectively 3 hours in a day and half and one call lasting 1 1/2 hours. . to his wife. He's doing this while at a busy reception desk and taking calls from our membership of 12k strong.

 

He argues about my `perception' being different than his. Can you imagine saying this to your boss with a straight face?. . makes me laugh now, but I lost it when he threw that out. His perception is that it is not a problem if he does this and puts his wife on hold to take an incoming call? (if he doesn't take the call it rolls over to my desk. . that's what alerted me) Besides his wife 'was having problems'. And he's been doing it all along (4yrs) and why would it bother me now? "Because I had no idea and I trusted you were mature enough to know the difference!"

 

I told him I don't know what world he lives in but that's being irresponsible and abusive. He was indignant. I lost my cool.

 

Anyway . . I am rambling. I just want this week to be over.

[reinventmyself]

Woke at 3:45 ; (

[reinventmyself]

I met up with a couple friends last night. . errrr. . I am exhausted.

I will try to slow down this weekend and process some of my emotions I am hiding from.

 

I found myself sharing a story and my friends almost fell out their chair.

 

One night in particular, S and I had cooked dinner. When it came time to do the dishes, I hadn't thought much of it but he always insisted on doing them. Nothing unusual about that. But. . .

 

This time I went to the dishwasher and began emptying it and putting the dishes away.

He stiffened up and insisted on doing it himself. It went from him being helpful to something else being up.

I said I was fine, but he took over.

 

As it turns out, he rotates his dishes, glasses, silver ware. . the conversation went further, tshirts, socks, underwear.

He places the clean dish on the bottom and takes from the top. The same with silverware.

That way they `all wear evenly'

 

He washes his tshirts and folds them nicely. He takes all the tshirts out of his drawer every time and places the clean ones on the bottom. .and so on. He does the same thing even with silverware.. omg

 

Imagine me with my eyes as big as saucers when he shared this.

He was a laughing nervously but was trying to get me on board by saying it made sense right?!, right!? I felt if I agreed, next thing I know I would have to be doing things his way and it feels way too neurotic for me. I just said that I get it makes sense to me that he prefers it. . but if my dishes wear out, I just buy new ones.

 

Early on when we were together, I stayed the weekend and I typically take a change of clothes or two. One time I needed to hang something up and I do have a bathrobe in his closet, so it's not like it's off limits. I saw an unused hanger on the end, hung my shirt and closed the door. Later that day `where is the hanger?!' I told him I used it, but how is it he knows one hanger is out of place?

`because I have one hanger for every shirt and no more'

 

My friends asked me if he turns the labels of all his cans to face forward. . aka, sleeping with the enemy

[Larkin]

Sorry to hear about the breakup, reinvent. That sucks. I've never had much success with do-overs. The issues that precipitated the split in the first place seem to percolate back to the surface sooner or later. And the bond, once broken, doesn't quite feel the same. Anyhoo, onward and upward, right? There's a lid for every pot, as "they" say...

 

And, fwiw, my clean t-shirts go on the bottom of the stack, too! 😳

[reinventmyself]

 

And, fwiw, my clean t-shirts go on the bottom of the stack, too! 😳

Oh No

Thx Larkin

[Batya33]

I don't know that it's productive from your perspective now to review all the flaws he had - you're not going to get clarity -yet -because it's so new/fresh. FWIW I don't do what he does in any manner-not to that extent -but there are certain things I have to have in certain places because otherwise I'd forget all the things I need every day during the mad rush to school bus then my office. So if my husband moved my work ID from it's exact spot on the counter where it rests right underneath my watch it would irritate me but not based on "principle" but rather that would guarantee I wouldn't remember my ID and not be able to get into the building. I also have certain "rituals" I do to help me be able to get to sleep/wind down, in a certain order. Am I flexible on that? To an extent - for some it might seem extreme (I guess) but I'm glad I have the freedom in my relationship to do those things without being questioned. It's really an individual thing and a couples thing. I also firmly believe that couples should accommodate and even change/be inspired to change and sometimes the little things mean a lot. I now close drawers and cabinet doors before leaving the kitchen because I know my husband likes that (instead of the whirling dervish I used to be) and he's adjusted his habit of being late/last minute for everything. So all of that is to say what is neurotic to some might be normal or totally fine for others. Fine that it wasn't for you but I question whether this kind of rehashing helps even in a venting way.

[reinventmyself]

I suppose my purpose for sharing the story was to paint an overall picture of someone who by large is intolerant and rigid.

Just one more piece to a puzzle.

I envy (to a degree) his discipline, but in that moment when I realized what life would be like, collectively is may just a too rigid for me.

That in itself wouldn't have been an issue but when I look at everything as a whole, this gave me snap shot of what life with him would look like.

My biggest concerns were his insecurities, intolerance and control issues.

Him trying to convince that dishes should be rotated was a little much. It's not my business that he prefers it that way.

The word I chose, neurotic come from a place of being hurt and emotional

[Batya33]

I suppose my purpose for sharing the story was to paint an overall picture of someone who by large is intolerant and rigid.

Just one more piece to a puzzle.

I envy (to a degree) his discipline, but in that moment when I realized what life would be like, collectively is may just a too rigid for me.

That in itself wouldn't have been an issue but when I look at everything as a whole, this gave me snap shot of what life with him would look like.

My biggest concerns were his insecurities, intolerance and control issues.

Him trying to convince that dishes should be rotated was a little much. It's not my business that he prefers it that way.

The word I chose, neurotic come from a place of being hurt and emotional

 

I understand. It's the timing I was questioning -that you're bringing this stuff up now rather than earlier and making a decision earlier. I get it.

[reinventmyself]

I just read something.

" The problem is we arent longing for the relationship we had, we long for the relationship we thought we could have had'

 

That would be the case for me. Things were better and I thought we would continue to improve and grow. But we came from a place of incompatibilities.

 

I think my 2nd guessing things a couple weeks prior was because I was looking at what seemed like it was good as it was going to get.

 

I wasn't done with the improvements and what we had gained seemed fragile.

In the end it was.

[Sportster2005]

I suppose my purpose for sharing the story was to paint an overall picture of someone who by large is intolerant and rigid.

Just one more piece to a puzzle.

I envy (to a degree) his discipline, but in that moment when I realized what life would be like, collectively is may just a too rigid for me.

That in itself wouldn't have been an issue but when I look at everything as a whole, this gave me snap shot of what life with him would look like.

My biggest concerns were his insecurities, intolerance and control issues.

Him trying to convince that dishes should be rotated was a little much. It's not my business that he prefers it that way.

The word I chose, neurotic come from a place of being hurt and emotional

 

I don't think what you describe is discipline. It's obedience. Obedience to compulsive behavior. Nothing to envy.

 

I think you're correct. I think most people would find that too rigid. And I wouldn't shy away from the neurotic word.

[Ms Darcy]

I've never had much success with do-overs. The issues that precipitated the split in the first place seem to percolate back to the surface sooner or later. And the bond, once broken, doesn't quite feel the same. Anyhoo, onward and upward, right? There's a lid for every pot, as "they" say...

 

Perhaps what is getting lost is this. Moreso that incompatibility reared its ugly head again - whether one wants to label the ex or not.

[WithLove]

I just read something.

" The problem is we arent longing for the relationship we had, we long for the relationship we thought we could have had'

 

That would be the case for me. Things were better and I thought we would continue to improve and grow. But we came from a place of incompatibilities.

 

I think my 2nd guessing things a couple weeks prior was because I was looking at what seemed like it was good as it was going to get.

 

I wasn't done with the improvements and what we had gained seemed fragile.

In the end it was.

 

It's always the case, for most women, that we yearn for the potential we see in others. But most times, people just don't reach those ideals, simply because it means the person would have to sacrifice or change things about themselves that they just don't want to change. And then, wouldn't that mean that that person just isn't the one for you?

 

Relationships are hard.

[reinventmyself]

Relationships are hard.

 

. .understatement

 

I am not myself and distracted.

So much so I drove off yesterday morning with my cell phone on top of my car. Just my luck it holds my credit cards and drivers license.

I spent hours cancelling cards to find fraudulent charges this morning. Luckily AmEx is really good about this.

Soooo. . .I get to drop over $700 dollars tonight on a new phone.

Great ending to another fabulous week . . not.

[reinventmyself]

OH!. . .and life always tends to throw me curveballs.

 

My high school bf FB friend requested me.

He was my first and we were together when I was 15 through 17. We got back together a year later and it didn't last.

 

Don't worry. . He's not dateable and live a few states away.

I just shook my head at the constant pattern I have in my life about things such as this.

I feel like he jumped out of the woodwork and his timing is uncanny.

 

My morbid curiosity gets the best of me though.

[reinventmyself]

I haven't cried yet, which is odd for me. I am a pretty decent cry baby.

In a weird way I think I am in some sort of suspension seeing he is out of the country. Can't help but wonder if I would feel different if he wasn't.

It shouldn't matter either way. I wouldn't go back if showed up on my doorstep.

I just get concerned that there is some sort of title wave around the corner waiting for me.

Makes me nervous.