Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

I have a friend that I met through a Meet up. She has since joined a couple other Meet ups and for the past year she has found a woman that she has a lot in common with and they seem inseparable.

 

Daily facebooks postings that seem childish (imo) for women our age. `My bestie, my bff, my wifey -even!' Full on tributes to their friendship. Who am I to judge, right?

She has brought this friend around the group of us that get together(I'll caller T) She's friendly, engaging and fits right in.

So what's the problem? Well, if T is invited into our circle, I think she's happy to be included.

 

But if it's the other way around and you intrude on her time with L (my friend) she's appears unhappy and not wanting to share. Are we in gradeschool?!

 

I thought this was my imagination but honestly, L invited me to meet up with her and T one night, I no sooner got there and felt uncomfortable enough to leave.

I blamed it on myself. . or didn't give it too much thought. I was tired and wanted to go home anyway. But I just had this nagging feeling I squashed.

 

Fast forward, L has met a man and they have been on 3 dates. T is off the charts upset and challenging L about dividing her time and is clearly

threated by her dating. L confided in me and it's feels like T is trying to hold L hostage.

 

L got together with us last Friday while T was out of town. Upon T's return L told her that she wasn't available Sat because she had a date.

T in turn gave her a hard time, that she should have scheduled her date for Friday instead of spending time with us, after all we weren't close friends of hers anyway?

Huh?

 

L's confided in me and I not too tolerant these days and I have a hard time being cordial to someone that doesn't suite me well. Plus, I think T's behaviour is disturbing.

I am not rude but I am not cordial either in a situation like this. I told L about my experience with T that night and she validated it was becoming an issue for her.

 

We are getting together tonight and L can't join us without T in tow. I don't want to upset L.

This should be interesting.

[Silverbirch]

I think T might be lesbian.

[reinventmyself]

I think T might be lesbian.

Lol, possibly

[Silverbirch]

Even if she can't admit it, even to herself, to me, that is just so gay.

[notalady]

Haha that is definitely possible.

[reinventmyself]

Almost a year later the same situation, different outcomes.

S is away, having taken down 4 women to the house down south where he has to stay until he turns around and bring them home on Wednesday.

He now eats all meals with them, when in the past he ate with the `help'

Dinner is typically over between 9:30 and 10 and by that time I am in bed.

He's always been very insistent on speaking before bed. But I am setting the precedent to "It's ok, I'll talk to you tomorrow"

 

As for myself, I went out with my friends Th, Fr and Saturday night. (I definitely need another hobby!)

 

We've text Skyped off and on. Fit in a Skype call or two in the middle of the day.

 

No insecurities, not trust issues and no passive aggressive comments.

It's been really nice.

 

I know it's not a cake walk for him, but if he's struggling he's not showing it.

He comes home Wed and won't fly for month.

 

We have two trips planned ourselves.

I am so excited! We are going to the same place in CO we went to last year to ski and then the beginning of April, AZ for his nephews wedding.

 

Life is good. It's like I have two lives and it works for me.

One with him. . and one on my own.

[reinventmyself]

The industry I work in is in flux.

We laid several people off the end of last year.

My department has changed over the years and what was done by hand 10 years ago is automated.

 

Every year we budget for the following year. Half my job is daily operations and the other half is projects.

There have been years I have had multi million dollar projects. I travel to different offices and oversee updates, purchasing, new constructions, moves, etc.

This is the first time in 13 years that all projects for 2017 were denied. The couple I had for the end of 2016 were scrubbed.

 

I have young staff wandering around with not enough work to do. I delegate a lot of my responsibilities to them to keep them busy, which ultimately

boxes me out of having much to do. I feel vulnerable.

 

My job has become redundant. Couple that with the man I am carpooling with is about to retire.

I just can't see myself driving alone 3 to 4 hours a day to come here and clock watch. I am a little hyper by nature and would much rather be busy.

It gives me anxiety and I wake up in the middle of the night and worry.

 

I have searched other employment similar to mine and I would take a pretty cut in pay, but sometimes it's more about the quality of life than the $$.

I often wonder why they don't let me go. Surely they know that I don't have much to do.

 

As much as my self esteem would take a hit, it would be better for them to terminate me then for me to leave on my own.

They offered decent severance to those terminated before me and that coupled with unemployment, I could take my time and find something I like rather

that something I have to take.

[Batya33]

Why is the commute that long? Has you always lived that far from your office? Can you telework?

[reinventmyself]

Why is the commute that long? Has you always lived that far from your office? Can you telework?

 

My home office is the corporate office and yes I have always done this commute. It wasn't always this bad and just gets worse. We have 3 other satellite offices I travel to occasionally, but they are small with a small number of staff members. One of them is 9 miles from my house. I go there maybe twice a month, but I need to be where I am most needed.

 

I am an operations manager. . so I need to be on site to handle issues. I can do it remotely but not efficiently.

My job description doesn't support it.

That and I have a small number of employees that report to me in this office, so I need to be on site.

[Batya33]

I get it! That sounds challenging.

[reinventmyself]

I get to spend the entire weekend with S. I am so excited. I've been giving some thought to how I am after extended time apart and how it related to my marriage and another long distance relationship.

 

Last time I saw S, it was maybe 10 days ago and from the moment I was in his presence, for him it was as if time stood still. He was so physically affectionate and I was pulling back and guarded. I know I tend to do this.

 

My marriage was like this. My ex gone for days at a time and then pushing himself on me when I didn't feel connected. I ended up resentful that he didn't take to the time to connect with me. Hell, he never did.

 

I think I tend to detach a lot in the time in between. Not sure why. To me it seems normal.

I need some time to reestablish a connection but for them they don't.

I seem to be the common denominator here. Am I the only like this?

 

It feels like in their absence I am preparing myself for an ending of sorts? Not sure I can put my finger on it.

It feels as if I am always exercising that `I don't need anyone and I'm ok alone' muscle. Sort of.

 

I do feel a little nervous going to his house tonight. He'll likely pounce and I'll pull away. He's big guy so getting away isn't always easy.

Not pounce in sexual way, but an affectionate way. I can see my actions could be misunderstood and maybe hurt his feelings. I did have to comment last time asking him to give me a minute to warm up . . he laughed. Lets hope he laughs again tonight.

 

He's not my exh. .He is genuinely interested and connected. But very affectionate too.

 

Though he has joked (hinted) about those movie moments where two lovers are so happy to see each other they do it right there in the door way. I don't think I could do that! I wish I could. Connect with me first and then we can go out and walk back in. . But it probably wouldn't be quite the same

[Batya33]

Is there a way you can tell him in a caring way tjetveholevit might feel natural to somevto race through the door and into each other's arms you need a little time to go slowly and get reacquainted?

[notalady]

Reinvent, I'm like you, I detach pretty easily, and so when I'm not seeing my partner for more than, say 3 days, I start to get a little detached, more so if it's like one or two weeks. So I need time to re-establish that connection when I see them again. That reconnection gets quicker the longer I date someone.

 

But outside of the initial dating stage when everything is passionate and exciting, I personally don't like the whole full on affection, full on hugging and kissing and all over each other thing even if we haven't seen each other for a while. My last LTR ex was like that, like every time we saw each other, he's all over me (affection wise), it can get a bit much. Current boyfriend is more on my level. We'd kiss greet each other, we'd hold hands (if we're meeting outside), there'll be regular physical touches and sometimes a hug or two, but not in a suffocating way.

 

I think it's not so much that there's something wrong with you feeling this way, but more interesting to me that you keep picking men that are the opposite to you (ie super affectionate, doesn't need time to re-establish affection).

[reinventmyself]

Is there a way you can tell him in a caring way tjetveholevit might feel natural to somevto race through the door and into each other's arms you need a little time to go slowly and get reacquainted?

I did tell him last time. I didn't really explain myself other than 'can you give me a minute?!'

Good thing about S, he typically hears me the first time and almost over corrects. We'll see how he is tonight.

[reinventmyself]

He did pounc and honestly I was too tired to articulate what I was feeling but my mannerisms spoke volumes.

S has a habit of over correcting and then backing way off. We will hit our stride eventually.

This is not something to over think.

 

And we are typically very similar in our level of affection. It's just that initial warm up I need.

We leave on Friday for a 4 day ski trip. We did the same one last year. Well, it's 2 days of skiing, plus two days of travel.

3 other couples from other states will join us.

I'll will drive to his house Thursday night and we fly out Friday morning.

 

Tomorrow I'll be calling in sick because I have an apt to get my new car looked at!

It's 3 mo's new and there is this growing knocking sound when I brake. I am really disturbed by it.

I buy a new car so I don't have to deal with taking the day off and having repairs, a ride home, etc.

It's so frustrating!

[reinventmyself]

Had a nice trip and back at work today.

I noticed something about myself that I learned in therapy. I have a limited capacity for togetherness. 5 nights together and I am clawing at the wall.

Not so unusual, little things start to bother me when I am in someone's pocket for 5 days, but because of my limitations I could catch myself tempted to make an issue out of

little things just to create the space I desperately needed.

 

I was acutely aware of it and often just sat on it and didn't act on it.

How many times in my life was conflict my fault and could have been avoided?

 

The urge was so strong I just shut down. It was all I could do to manage it.

A little disappointing. S was happy as a clam. I, on the other hand wanted to run.

[Sportster2005]

Had a nice trip and back at work today.

I noticed something about myself that I learned in therapy. I have a limited capacity for togetherness. 5 nights together and I am clawing at the wall.

Not so unusual, little things start to bother me when I am in someone's pocket for 5 days, but because of my limitations I could catch myself tempted to make an issue out of

little things just to create the space I desperately needed.

 

I was acutely aware of it and often just sat on it and didn't act on it.

How many times in my life was conflict my fault and could have been avoided?

 

The urge was so strong I just shut down. It was all I could do to manage it.

A little disappointing. S was happy as a clam. I, on the other hand wanted to run.

 

Sounds like a lot of progress. Why disappointed?

 

I k

[reinventmyself]

Sounds like a lot of progress. Why disappointed?

 

I k

Just wish I wasn't like this sometimes.

[Batya33]

Had a nice trip and back at work today.

I noticed something about myself that I learned in therapy. I have a limited capacity for togetherness. 5 nights together and I am clawing at the wall.

Not so unusual, little things start to bother me when I am in someone's pocket for 5 days, but because of my limitations I could catch myself tempted to make an issue out of

little things just to create the space I desperately needed.

 

I was acutely aware of it and often just sat on it and didn't act on it.

How many times in my life was conflict my fault and could have been avoided?

 

The urge was so strong I just shut down. It was all I could do to manage it.

A little disappointing. S was happy as a clam. I, on the other hand wanted to run.

 

Do you think this is particular to S and how he deals with space/closeness or it would have been anyone given the 5-day time period?

[WithLove]

You know, I made it a point to not spend too much time with K in the beginning just to avoid this, because I like breaks and my alone time. But this past week, when I stayed with him for a week, I didn't find myself craving time alone.

 

Perhaps it just has to do with how comfortable you are around people.

[reinventmyself]

Do you think this is particular to S and how he deals with space/closeness or it would have been anyone given the 5-day time period?

Anyone. Funny how I find myself stalling to go home if my son is there. I love him more than life itself but I just have this avoidance dance I do.

[reinventmyself]

You know, I made it a point to not spend too much time with K in the beginning just to avoid this, because I like breaks and my alone time. But this past week, when I stayed with him for a week, I didn't find myself craving time alone.

 

Perhaps it just has to do with how comfortable you are around people.

 

I naively thought I might feel different with the right person. Sure there are those who are easier to be around, but this isn't about them.

I'm quite a contradiction because I seek out company. . just on my terms.

[WithLove]

It is possible to have a relationship with S and tell him that you're not looking to ever move in together or anything like that.

[reinventmyself]

It is possible to have a relationship with S and tell him that you're not looking to ever move in together or anything like that.

 

We've touched on the subject early on and haven't talked about it since.

I told him up front that (outside of my children) I have never lived with someone 7 days a week and I like my space and I am often overly independent in spite of myself. He found this attractive because he was accustomed to women looking to be taken care of.

 

He agreed that he felt the same and his last relationship ended for a variety of reasons, one being she wanted to get married and he didn't.

I think we are on the same page in this regard.

 

I don't know what the future holds. I know the distance is draining at times. At the same time it works on a lot of different levels.

Add in he travels for work and I commute. It's challenging.

We'll see. I try not to think about it and live in the moment.

 

He tends to be more of the girl in the relationship and overthinks things like this. (but here I am overthinking it )

If anything has changed since our first conversation, he'll have to be the one to bring it up, because I am not.

 

I've been in the same position before. With a man who refuses to move and believes the ideal situation is for me to.

He has a beautiful home and comfortable life he might be willing to share. Unofficially.

 

But, I have a mortgage, pets, a job, family and friends close by. I need to stay near my mom who is in her 80's.

In comparison, he only has the mortgage, so it translates into me making the majority of the compromise.

 

So. . if we both agree to not marry, it puts me in a vulnerable position.

I was vulnerable before after my divorce and I am not willing to take risks. . .not at this time in my life.

[Sportster2005]

 

But, I have a mortgage, pets, a job, family and friends close by. I need to stay near my mom who is in her 80's.

In comparison, he only has the mortgage, so it translates into me making the majority of the compromise.

 

Doesn't sound like the spirit of compromise. More like negotiating terms with a winner and a loser. Maybe in time, as your relationship evolves there will be more of a spirit of compromise.

 

I think the biggest compromise you both need to make is in time spent together. He seems like he needs more attention than you. I don't see that as good or bad. As long as you both come to agreement. I personally like my space too. Perhaps too much. I wouldn't flourish with someone that demanded a lot of my time. Key word being 'demanded'. But if they respected my alone time and could live with it, then it could work. S may not like the imbalance. But if he could accept it and truly live with it, things could be O.K.