Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

It just feels 'all about him' w/o any regard to how I might feel. . Uhmm. Lack of empahty?

[reinventmyself]

I don't need to feel like I have to go thru the same break up twice. Seems so unfair

[browneyedgirl36]

I've felt the same when Ive been the one to leave but thought it would a selfish, cruel, mix message to do that.

 

Exactly. The one time I broke up with someone-- my first boyfriend ever -- I told him that I really DID want to be his friend, down the road, if ever there came a time when he was ready. I also told him I totally understood if he didn't want to be my friend, ever, and that I would accept whatever decision he made. And I never contacted him again (he contacted me from time to time, and we DID end up being friends). I did miss him sometimes -- just because he was a great guy and it definitely was a loss to me -- but I never told him that. I would NEVER have given him any false hope. That's just cruel.

 

I'm sorry this happened. I know it hurts, but I'm glad you told S no more contact. I hope he'll honor that request.

[browneyedgirl36]

It just feels 'all about him' w/o any regard to how I might feel. . Uhmm. Lack of empahty?

 

Yes. At the very least, profound selfishness on his part.

[Ms Darcy]

That I would have caught.

Not 'I miss you so much baby, I lost my world'

 

Asking about his surgery: 'my body is fine, it's my heart that won't heal' etc

 

Not quite the same as 'let's be friends and it's not you, it's me!

 

I was silly enough to think he was wanting to recocile. But 3 days of and a birthday gift w a long note ending in the card . . And no action, my spidey senses went up so I asked.

'My decision is firm I just miss you so much, blah blah.

I told him thx for the honestly but no further comtact please.

I'm kinda stunned at the moment.

 

Yeah, some of that stuff is typical. Those are serious breadcrumbs.

 

No contact is really the only way to go. Right after being dumped, it's completely natural to want to reconcile. You just have to stop communicating so that you can get some distance and not be tempted.

[Ms Darcy]

It just feels 'all about him' w/o any regard to how I might feel. . Uhmm. Lack of empahty?

 

This is why we advocate no contact though right? It removes all of this. How can he be cruel and selfish and lacking empathy if there is complete silence?

 

Don't torture yourself.

[reinventmyself]

This is why we advocate no contact though right? It removes all of this. How can he be cruel and selfish and lacking empathy if there is complete silence?

 

Don't torture yourself.

Trying. Feels like square one today.

Luckily I'm out of town w gf's. (In his area) I'm not the best of company to say the least.

I was silly enough to pack something extra in the off chance I'd see him for my bday as originally planned.

Feeling a little humiliated. Silly me.

Ouch

I need to get home and reread my list of red flags.

[Ms Darcy]

Trying. Feels like square one today.

Luckily I'm out of town w gf's. (In his area) I'm not the best of company to say the least.

I was silly enough to pack something extra in the off chance I'd see him for my bday as originally planned.

Feeling a little humiliated. Silly me.

Ouch

 

No humiliation. Today is your reset day. Go into your birthday tomorrow (tomorrow's my birthday too refreshed.

[reinventmyself]

No humiliation. Today is your reset day. Go into your birthday tomorrow (tomorrow's my birthday too refreshed.

Happy Birthday to you Mrs D!

We've been celbrating for 2 days and we head home tonight and I'm solo tomorrow. Guess I'll hang w my mom.

Hope your birthday is the best ever

[Ms Darcy]

Happy Birthday to you Mrs D!

We've been celbrating for 2 days and we head home tonight and I'm solo tomorrow. Guess I'll hang w my mom.

Hope your birthday is the best ever

 

Moms are the best! I'm glad your mom is healthy. Mine has been sick. Have a great birthday!

[Silverbirch]

Happy Birthday Ladies!

[Larkin]

Happy Birthday Ladies!

 

I second that emotion.

[reinventmyself]

I felt better the moment I walked in the door.

Staying in someone's home with 2 friends and up to 7 people socializing in the evenings seemed like a great idea at the time. But considering my frame of mind I was miserable. I felt less than social and as if I was so raw I had no skin.

It was a 90 min drive home and I sat in the back with my baseball cap pulled down and cried for at least 40 mins. I'd been holding it in for days and just needed to release it.

My friends were chatting away up front so they weren't aware.

Today is my birthday and my son text me last night asking if I'd be home today. 1:30 am I heard him come home. He's typically with his gf on weekends so I might assume he has has something up his sleeve for me.

Either way, I'm fine. I'd just assume have a quiet reflective day. I haven't told him S and I are done.

Don't know why but I feel embarrassed to tell him that I have yet another failed relationship. It's mostly my hang up but he knows I ended the marriage to his dad and can't seem to maintain a relationship, yet his dad can. Disfunctional ones tho.

Maybe it is me. . .

Dunno.

I made an appt w my therapist for wed. I will only go maybe 3 or 4 times and he knows this.

I mostly just want help understanding what happened and what I could have done differently. I originally went to therapy towards the end of my marraige and with his help I learned to set boundaries and have a voice.

I need to know why having a voice in my relationships has mostly been met with conflict.

Or my choices in men can't hear me or have no empathy.

Again, I'm the common denominated here.

I find myself baffled in those moments thinking 'wait, wasn't this supposed to work well?'

Slowly w S, I started losing my voice again because it was just too hard trying to be heard.

[Ms Darcy]

I mostly just want help understanding what happened and what I could have done differently. I originally went to therapy towards the end of my marraige and with his help I learned to set boundaries and have a voice.

I need to know why having a voice in my relationships has mostly been met with conflict.

Or my choices in men can't hear me or have no empathy.

Again, I'm the common denominated here.

I find myself baffled in those moments thinking 'wait, wasn't this supposed to work well?'

Slowly w S, I started losing my voice again because it was just too hard trying to be heard.

 

I get the impression that while the chemistry was strong, when push came to shove compatibility wasn't there in communication and values (around male/female interactions). So, perhaps you can consider why you had this thought/determination to make it work with someone who wasn't on the same page with you?

[reinventmyself]

I had a nice day with my oldest son after visiting with my mom. My youngest couldn't join us but came over later. I got alot of birthday greetings and I am reminded in so many ways that I am so fortunate and not alone.

Tomorrow I'll have lunch with an old friend I've dated off and on years ago. I've mentioned him before and we're nothing more than friends. I had distanced myself from him while w S because like so many things it was an issue.

There's a small part of me that doesn't want to go. Can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's just the effort to do it I suppose.

My other friends are attending a fish fry event close by and invited me. I wish I could cancel my lunch and go with them instead. It just seems easier than a one on one with anybody right now.

The anxiety is finally starting to go away. That has to be the worst part! It's been full tilt for 10 days now.

As much as I miss S I am making myself aware in moments when I'm doing something enjoyable, like having a drink on a rooftop downtown bar w my son, I ask myself 'if you had the choice, would you rather be w S at this very moment' and my answer is 'no'

I've done this a few times in the past couple days and it helps.

I go about my life and think of the things we didn't have in common or the things I liked to do that he didn't seem to get any enjoyment out of.

He wouldn't have laughed at the fun gay restaurant that's on a reality show my son took me to. But my son and I loved it.

S wouldn't think it practical to drink in the middle of the day and tomorrow's fish fry, we'll he'd probably scowl at my male friends and dislike the crowds.

We won't even consider what he'd think about lunch with the ex bf.

But oh well, it's my birthday, right?

[reinventmyself]

I get the impression that while the chemistry was strong, when push came to shove compatibility wasn't there in communication and values (around male/female interactions). So, perhaps you can consider why you had this thought/determination to make it work with someone who wasn't on the same page with you?

Good question.

I can say we were on the same page and wanting the same thing.

But with some distance I can see the incompatibilities in the things we liked to do and our ways of communicating.

I keep thinking about doing things together. S was very passive about making plans and was always persuading me to make our plans. I often couldn't tell if he was enjoying or tolerating them to appease me. I just honestly couldn't tell. I could feel myself getting frusterated.

When he did plan things it made him uncomfortable. As if he wasn't sure he'd get it right. I think he put alot of pressure on himself to enertain me. I often reminded him he didn't need to entertain me. But I think he felt alot of pressure to do it anyway and lacked the confidence in doing so.

It just felt inorganic.

He's probably relieved now and can go back to his predictable routine.

[reinventmyself]

Having just said that, it took me back to our very first date, where we each took the train half way and met. (My idea)We spent the afternoon together and when we were hungry for dinner we walked around the town for close to an hour stopping at the doorway of every restaurant. I remember thinking 'come on!' He wouldn't/couldn't pick a restaurant.

I was getting hungry and cold and finally said playfully and firmly. 'Just pull the trigger and pick one '

[Ms Darcy]

It seemed like basic communication was always a struggle though.

[reinventmyself]

Uhg, I cancelled lunch with my friend and heading out to the fish fry.

Everything feels like a colossal effort. Not to mention everything I do.lately involves alcohol.

As hard as this morning is I have to compare it to.last Sunday and yes, there is improvement.

Never as fast as we might like it but it's there.

I won't stay long and leave to go visit my son and his gfs new home they are fixing up.

One foot in front of the other. .

[reinventmyself]

The mornings are the worst. Second to the nights. He's in my dreams and I have what feels like little flashes of him or a moment with him that flashes in my mind. It's hard to explain but it's unexpected and makes me jump.

[reinventmyself]

I was driving past my old neighborhood once with S. I asked him if he wanted to see my old house. 'No' he answered sharply. Why? Because I was married for the majority of the time there.

I kept driving, in awkward silence.

I guess it didn't matter that I had a life there with friends, neighbors and raised my sons there. I kept the house after the divorce for sometime, so in the end it was mine. The mere fact I was with 'him' there was too much for S.

[IAmFCA]

I was driving past my old neighborhood once with S. I asked him if he wanted to see my old house. 'No' he answered sharply. Why? Because I was married for the majority of the time there.

I kept driving, in awkward silence.

I guess it didn't matter that I had a life there with friends, neighbors and raised my sons there. I kept the house after the divorce for sometime, so in the end it was mine. The mere fact I was with 'him' there was too much for S.

 

Ick. Maybe he would feel competitive also, as if his house would have to be at least as nice.

[Fudgie]

Ick, I can't stand retro jealousy. It's very irrational and makes no sense. I found myself modifying stories for my ex N, taking out the word "ex" and replacing it with "friends" because the ex wasn't relevant in the story and I wanted to share the story, but I couldn't tell it in its entirety or he'd flip because there was an ex in it.

 

The past is part of you. You can't erase it or forget about it. If you did, it would be erasing part of you and the experiences that make your life unique and memorable. Now, I will never tolerate someone doing that to me again.

[reinventmyself]

Ick. Maybe he would feel competitive also, as if his house would have to be at least as nice.

 

Nah. . I'd rather it be that.

S's house is beautiful and can't compare. Nothing to be jealous about, at least not about a stupid house.

[reinventmyself]

Ick, I can't stand retro jealousy. It's very irrational and makes no sense. I found myself modifying stories for my ex N, taking out the word "ex" and replacing it with "friends" because the ex wasn't relevant in the story and I wanted to share the story, but I couldn't tell it in its entirety or he'd flip because there was an ex in it.

 

.

 

I did the same. I often found myself unable to share a simple story . . maybe about something that I saw on a vacation or something that happened to my son . . because the inference that it was during that time in my life and at that time I happened to be married.

At some point I just would risk being myself and sharing something. S's reactions were his to deal with, not mine.

He got better at it . . I think. Instead of making comments, my stories were met with silence and no response. . sometimes even a smile.

 

I wasn't sure if I was projected something on him that he wasn't even doing. (being jealous) because I got absolutely no feedback.

But based on what I knew about him and the previous reactions his silence to my stories screamed the same thing.

I will never be sure if that was a fair assessment or not. I can only assume.