Snooping....

[indea08]

I'm curious about WHY others feel the way they do about snooping.

 

WHY do so many people consider it such an invasion of privacy? What in the world are you texting that is so private and personal?? Why make such a huge deal about your significant other reading your conversation with Stacy about doing lunch next week, or your texts to Mike about how you killed your workout this morning?

 

Personally, I think it's adorable when boyfriend snoops. I think it's cute that he's curious, and maybe even a LITTLE jealous. Besides, I've had several instances where boyfriend found a conversation between myself and a friend that was about him. I had been talking about how happy he made me and how cute he was when he was sleeping earlier...needless to say, boyfriend and I had a great evening that night.

 

I can't help but feel that if you are SO irked by snooping...it's probably because you're saying/doing things you shouldn't be saying/doing. And if you aren't doing anything wrong, and you would still get angry about your partner snooping...I feel like you're making a mountain out of a mole hill.

 

Don't get me wrong...if my friends or distant family wanted to go through my phone, I'd be a little "uncomfortable". But my PARTNER? He's my other half, and has full acces to all of me. Just my stance...

 

So what is it that makes people feel so invaded by their partner's snooping?

[charity]

as a past snooper i can safely say that every time i snooped it meant i am feeling 'unsure' of my relationship. and i was thinking its possible that my partner is doing things i'm unaware of and wouldn't approve of.

 

so , from the other side i can see that if i was happy in my relationship and my partner was snooping on me, well i would be sad that the relationship is not so good for him and he shows distrust in me. i would feel that he doesn't truly KNOW me if he feel he has to snoop.

[itsallgrand]

No one is ever my "other half" nor has "full access". Not when I lived with and was with someone for many years, and won't be ever.

 

It's about basic respect that I am a separate person, who is capable of making my own choices and having my own space respected.

 

Everyone has their own personal boundaries regarding how much privacy they need. Yours will not necessarily be the same as mine, or the next persons...and it's important to respect that.

 

It's no different than if someone tells you they are uncomfortable with you walking in on them in the bathroom when they are peeing, and you walk in anyways.

 

Of course it isn't snooping if someone has willingly invited you to the information/space.

[poetryandlyrics]

I'm fine with people using my stuff -- my phone, my computer, etc. I'll even let them read posts on this if I wanted or or if they ask that I'm okay with. As long they ask first, and no, I'm not gonna look over your shoulder while you use it. But I don't agree with snooping, it's just an invasion of privacy. I was raised in a family where I was refused boundaries. My mail and my trash is not even considered private. In turn, I really appreciate the respect of having my own personal space.

 

If I were to snoop, it means I'm insecure and worrying about something. I prefer, and I often do, be honest and just talk it out instead of assuming. I have been snooped before -- he literally waited until I fell asleep. And no, I was in no way doing anything wrong. I'm willing to talk things out, I'm willing to put aside time to say what I feel needs to be improved on and I'm willing to look at myself for what ways I may be affecting this. As long I'm treated with respect, that is. It's just a violation of my own trust, to assume something bad about me and feeling the need to go around me to figure it out than to just be real and talk to me.

[WeeToad]

Well if my boyfriend snooped and saw all of this stuff I've been posting while I sort through my crazy emotions and leftover baggage and whatnot, I'd be pretty mortified and probably not even leave my house for like a week. I'd also be devastated because it'd probably wreck the relationship even if it turned out that everything was otherwise going to turn out okay. I'm realizing right now actually that I'm answering the question of my last thread, for myself, in this thread. Irony and such. Geeze. But yeah, it's true. I would freak the hell out if he hacked into my PC and read all of this stuff. And I'm not cheating on him or anything. I just need to be able to work through some things and figure out how I really feel and why and what I should do, so that I can get it right when I'm actually around him. Maybe he put a lock on his phone because sometimes he talks to one of his friends about his concerns about me and how he feels about it, and he'd be mortified if I saw it. Well gee flipping wiz. Gosh I'm a retard sometimes.

[SapphireNoir10]

Everyones different. Me and my husband know eachothers passcodes/passwords and neither of us mind looking at eachothers phones etc but neither of us 'snoop' I'd never read through all his texts etc. To me my privacy isn't a huge deal, to others it is. We are just really open with that stuff.

 

that said there are certain things, like a diary or my posts on ENA I'd prefer he didn't read through.

[Seraphim]

No ,we are NOT doing something wrong. People have different boundaries for what they find personal. Because I am married DOES NOT MEAN I AM THE SAME ENTITY. To my husband and I our phones and lap tops and journals are PRIVATE . We share the same boundaries on what is respectable. No one person decides what is boundaries in another person's relationship.

And I would not find snooping cute or adorable or anything even remotely similar. The person would probably get a good tongue lashing.

[indea08]

WeeToad, it was actually your post and the responses you were getting that sparked my curiosity about why people think snooping is so terrible.

 

I guess I'm just a very open person. If boyfriend needed some evidentiary support to ease his insecurities, I'd rather he snoop and see that I'm not just SAYING the right things, I really mean them. And if he found something that made him uncomfortable, I would hope he'd ask me about it so we could discuss it because I wouldn't have done it intentionally. (This is all hypothetical btw, I don't even have a boyfriend).

 

But WeeToad, I also thought you should know, if your bf got an iPhone when he got a new phone, it makes you put a pass code on it when you're setting it up. You have to return and turn it off later. Maybe he just figured eh, I'll try it out for awhile. Just a possibility.

 

Or maybe he's like me and wants to see if you're a little/curious or jealous....just ask him he'll tell you.

[indea08]

And it just occurred to me...what if he DID hack into your PC, and read these posts about you sorting out your emotions, and was like "wow babe I'm so sorry I didn't pick up on this..here let me explain..."

 

Then your mind is eased and he's more aware of himself...plus he got to be there for you and make you feel safe again. All positives in my book.

[WeeToad]

Well, I think you have a point overall. I would be horrified of him snooping because I do have things to hide. I have some leftover baggage and haven't dated anyone but him in about three entire years. I'm a little clueless and anxious and probably will be until we get over some hurdles (assuming all goes well, which it may or may not) and I'm able to grow some trust and practice the better communication skills and self-confidence that my former therapist gave me the tools to develop. I don't feel that my anonymous posts here are bad in a sinister way.

 

I guess I see 'snooping' as violating someone in a way. They don't want you to either see something or to be able to know every thought they express in writing/text, but you do it anyway. It's kind of like.. a mind rape, or something. So I think it's wrong and would feel bad as a person if I did it. I would feel that I had done something wrong and that I violated my partner. The only reason I get tempted is because is because I remember the feeling of finding out my ex had been cheating on me after I had put so much emotion into the relationship for so long and had made myself so vulnerable, and I never want to feel that way again. I feel the need to protect myself but don't know how else to do it besides snooping. But my desire to not hurt him keeps me from doing it. I guess I realize that now. I guess that's how I don't snoop.

[indea08]

Mind rape.

 

That's actually an excellent description.

 

Well if nothing else, atleast you were able to gain some insight!! I think you answered your own post better than anyone else did.

[Cheetarah]

No one has full access to me. I would be, and have been LIVID when someone has snooped through my things. I've had my email hacked into, my phone bill online and then found here on ENA(it's not really private...but, it required serious digging to find me and put the pieces together). I felt like there was no respect for my privacy and I wasn't being trusted. There was nothing cute or appealing about it because I do not see it as a sweet little jealousy thing or being so into me that they are just compelled. It's just boundary stomping and very controlling, in my opinion.

[oitnb]

Snooping is an obsession. I've been snooped on, and I've been the snooper. If your partner snoops, there is a serious lack of trust. Period point blank.

 

And it causes unnecessary issues. An innocent conversation could come off wrong and cause a fight. You could be venting about how your partner, and it cause a fight. You could be texting your male boss about work related issues, and it cause a fight.

 

Bottom line, snooping = issues.

 

If you snoop, you're looking to find something bad, and even if you dont, you'll twist even the most innocent thing into an issue. Trust me. I've done it myself in the past. Learnt my lesson.

[ParisPaulette]

This is a topic I've wondered about for some time, because I've seen people post on here about how they snooped and found out their partner was cheating on them. And instead of being told to leave the cheater behind they get rebuked for having "snooped". And I don't agree with that at all, cheating is still the far bigger crime. All I can figure out is that some people hate snooping, because yes they have things to hide and don't like the idea of someone finding things out about them. They read about it and it makes them uncomfortable and so they feel the need to criticize that behavior. Others don't like it though, because they aren't the type who cheat and so can't fathom why someone would feel the need to do it. Other people though, like myself, just have seriously big personal boundary issues. If someone asks me then I don't care what they see of mine, my SO has access to my phone and computer and I could care less, because I really do have nothing to hide. But if it were someone who I found out was searching through my computer looking for...??? just because they didn't trust me or they were looking to dig up dirt on me,then yes I'd be creeped out by that. And someone who barely knows me and is trying to hack my email or phone lines or who has no right to the information is going to get bounced and bounced hard. That I look on to be stalking and I don't tolerate that at all. Heck I still cringe when a friend asks me to run into their house and grab something for them, because it just makes me uncomfortable to think I might see something I shouldn't. It's silly I know, but it is what it is.

 

However, and I know I"m going to be in the minority here, when a person has observed serious red flags and can't get a straight answer from their partner or suspects something seriously wrong is going on then I say it's time to go get answers for yourself. At that point the relationship is already done, so what's the point in "honoring" their privacy when they haven't honored their word to you that they are being faithful? And if you're married and have kids and property then hiring a P.I. to gather information on cheating or shady business dealings can save you and your family and your bank accounts a ton of grief. I just think a person needs to be aware that if they're to the stage where they have to go searching for answers to shady behavior then the relationship is already done anyways. At that point snooping is just about someone confirming that they aren't crazy like their SO keeps insisting they are AND hopefully they'll just pack up and leave the cheater in the dust. Because it's been my observation 99.9 percent of the time that if you have to snoop then yes, it's because the other person is doing something wrong. And unfortunately most of us aren't strong enough to simply tell someone, "You know what, whether you're cheating or not you're behavior is weirding me the (bleep) out and I know what I know, we're done." And then just leave because we trust our own intuition and powers of observation more than we trust what another insists our reality is. And on that note I guess snooping is objectionable to so many, because it isn't just a lack of trust in your partner, it's a lack of trust in yourself as well.

 

I'm sure occasionally you will have a really insecure person who just snoops looking for trouble before there is anything, but my own life experiences have shown me that that's a minority of the situations. And these people are pretty easily spotted anyways, because they'll typically be the guy or gal who has a meltdown because they think you stared too long at someone in a supermarket or that your boss called you at home, because he/she wants you and not the file they've misplaced and need your help finding.

 

That said there are times when snooping does bring out the truth and it does free a person to leave. Also I would like to point out that the cheating is still the far, far worse activity since not only is the person cheating lying to someone's face that they claim to love they are also playing Russian Roulette quite literally by exposing their partner to STDs--some of which can kill like AIDs. Not to mention the potential whack jobs ala Fatal Attraction or the Long Island Lolita types who decides that if they eliminate you from the picture by way of killing you then they'll get your partner all to themselves. As with all things in relationships to snoop or not to snoop is a choice, but it's usually one of the last resort when you're gearing up to find the final reason that let's you walk away instead of just trusting what you already know anyways.

[Seraphim]

The reason I do not like to be mind raped and techno raped is because all my boundaries were violated when I was a child. I had no right to even keeping my own body safe.

 

My husband was so controlled by his parents, he was told what to wear and say and think and even sometimes told even when he could go to the bathroom he wants no one controlling him.

 

There is NO WAY either of us would ever report to have our devices " inspected" by ANYONE.

 

And it really builds resentment when people you don't know you from a hole in the wall assumes you are a cheater or bad person because you won't present yourself for inspection.

 

But as long as the person you are with has the same boundaries as you that is all that matters.

[shes2smart]

Eh, on some level I kinda don't care.

 

Of course, that seems to be my overall outlook on life lately anyway...but I digress.

 

I've been in one particular relationship where I resorted to snooping. Shoulda been a red flag, in hindsight. If you feel the need to go looking for something, that means you already think there's something to find. If you think there's something to find that means you think your partner's doing things behind your back....maybe they are, maybe you're just being paranoid and insecure, maybe it's a mix of both. It just depends on the individual situation.

 

Like I said, though, I kinda don't care anymore. Someone wants to go through my stuff, whatever, but don't come cryin' to me about what you find/don't find. You took it upon yourself to go digging through my stuff, if you were afraid you'd find something you didn't want to, that's on all on you. I'm not really interested enough to go through someone else's stuff. If we're at the point that I feel the need to do that, my gut already knows something my brain doesn't want to accept. Based on previous experiences, I wouldn't bother snooping anymore. I'd just go with my gut...it's proven itself to be accurate more often than not.

[Cheetarah]

I do have things to hide. Like my thoughts are not for broadcast for anyone who feels like digging around in my private things. If someone ever went into my private paper journal I would go BSC. It's not their business.

 

To edit for clarity, it has zero to do with cheating as I'm not involved with anyone. I just don't think every thought and feeling needs to be shared and there are some things I keep to myself.

[mmnyc5052]

I used to snoop, investigate, etc. when I was an uber-insecure person. Because I was insecure and anxious I tried to find things that would be proof of my insecurity. When I realized it was my own issue and that it really didn't have anything to do with my BF, I got help and I also trained myself to think in a different way.

 

During my "crazy" time of snooping, I found his friend's Xanga from over ten years ago when they were in middle school and it suggested he liked some girl. I caused a huge row over it. ?>! Unnecessary and unwarranted and had no impact on my relationship.

 

It can be a huge deteriator to a relationship. Unless you really have a reason to snoop, now in my current mindset, I think it's just stupid. If you snoop, eventually, you WILL find something you don't like or you read wrong or interpret in a negative fashion and it will inevitably cause unneeded stress on the relationship. That's why I think it's nice to communicate with your partner and say hey, let's be agreeing to the fact if I ever wanted to see messages or phone logs, you'd let me, without question, but not to know each other's passwords and such. Every couple is different but I think there is a fine line between being separate entities and humans and being a strong, loyal couple with a shared understanding of privacy.

[Mesemene]

If you think it's "adorable" you've never been stalked and harassed by someone claiming to "love" you.

 

My ex husband cheated on me - then made it his life's mission to try and "catch" me cheating (I wasn't, and never did) to justify his actions and assuage his guilt. He made my life hell. I couldn't have a conversation with a friend, receive a piece of junk mail, or talk to someone online without him trying to monitor me, or making anonymous names to try and "seduce" me or say he was a "friend" of my ex watching me. He would park outside the house and watch me through the window. Call and hang up to "hear me breathe."

 

I've never cheated, even as a teenager. I grew up as an only child, which did give me a strong sense of privacy - I had a hard time learning to completely share space when we got married. And his obnoxious and over the top behavior made me infinitely more sensitive to any sort of boundary crossing.

 

I'd never have any issue with my husband going into my purse etc. But I get an itch between my shoulder blades even if he's innocently watching me typing on here. It's not that I have anything to hide - it's just after being so closely monitored and stalked - it makes me very edgy and uncomfortable. It's all too reminiscent of feeling hunted and having nowhere to go. I should add he knows my passwords - he's just very respectful, and won't go into my email unless there's a pressing reason. And I love him all the more for it - he understands it's a big deal to me, and it was a huge indication of my trust that he knows my logins and passwords.

 

Many states, including where I lived, have ZERO protection against anything but immediate threat of physical harm if you're still married - even separated. It's made me very, very aware of just how little protection against any kind of psychological or emotional abuse, harassment, or stalking a woman has once she's married, and before she's divorced. And if you have kids in common, in some states, even divorced, there's no protection unless the man is physically there and has a weapon.

 

Anyway, sorry for the length - but I not only can't find it in any way positive, to me it's repelling and makes me feel like a hunted deer in headlights.

[nutbrownhare]

I think ParisPaulette's hit the nail on the head here when she mentions snooping when the relationship's already over (to all intents and purposes) and it's finding the evidence. It has no place whatsoever in a healthy relationship. If I were with someone who thought they had the right to go through my emails, etc, the relationship WOULD soon be over - or it wouldn't get started in the first place. If my guts were screaming at me that there was something 'off' in the relationship, I'd trust my guts rather than go trampling all over someone else's privacy - and end the relationship.

 

I met this guy who was very pleasant, warm-hearted, generous, all the rest... and he was talking about his ex-wife who'd left him for someone else a few years earlier. "I was going through her emails", he said, "and there was one to a friend, talking about our marriage and saying that it was a terrible mistake. Yet she used to write 'I love you' in the condensation on the window pane. I just don't understand." People who violate boundaries in one area, and do not consider their partners to have separate identities in their own right, will be boundary violators in other areas, too. I made a mental note not to get involved with that guy, nice as he was.

[Doc Blaze]

Snooping is being insecure about something..whether you find something bad or not....either way its a sign of something not right....If you were fully happy with everything going on you wouldnt have to snoop. Its a bad habit and can become a burden. Some people say well if you have nothing to hide but you can easily say if you trust me, then why do you randomly need to look through my phone. if you know my passcode, if i never hide my phone when i message or leave the room for a phone call why do I need to let you cross my personal boundaries to fullfill your insecurity needs. my parents have been married (healthy marriage) for 35 years..and my dad never asks to see my moms phone, never asks to go on her fb..you can see the love and trust , communication they have with each other...

[nutbrownhare]

It's not just my privacy I'd be concerned about, but the privacy of other people who've shared stuff with me in confidence - knowing that I won't be passing it on. It would be the end, immediately, if a partner read through my letters and emails.

[Seraphim]

Yes. My husband has had Facebook for six years and I've never even seen his page. I don't need to. I don't need to see his phone either. If I don't trust him I have no business being with him.