WithLove Posted May 22, 2017 Share Posted May 22, 2017 That's beautiful! How is it that you can pour paint on a canvas and it still look like art?! My attempt would just look like a mess!! Link to comment
faraday Posted May 24, 2017 Author Share Posted May 24, 2017 I am so sick I'm on day 5....and now I'm in the coughing so hard my chest burns and my lungs hurt phase. Not the most fun. Mom had a bunch of errands for me yesterday which I somehow managed to get done. Three weeks before my brother/ dads birthdays last month, mom had me booking the restaurant and going through the family albums to find a great picture for the cake. She was sicker than a dog and in Cuba, but she was still making sure I planned things for them. Tomorrow is my birthday and it seems like everyone forgot. We always do family dinner. But no one planned anything. Jay did...but not with my parents or brother. Mom and dad are killing the way I feel about my brothers new gf. They won't shut up about how awesome she is. She volunteers for meals on wheels. I bet my parents wouldn't remember that I volunteered as a single mother with limited free time- at the food bank. I'm just really jealous that she's "in" so easily and I have worked so friggin hard to be "in" but still I'm not. I'm debating walking away at this point. I know it's just my birthday, and it's no big deal...but she made me run my as$ off for my brothers birthday a month ago. It was planned for weeks. I just feel really down about it. I just want to be equal. Jay is livid. He sees the unfairness and wants to go talk to them. I want to block them and move on. Instead of waiting for her to die so that she will stop hurting me, I can end it now on my terms. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 Oh honey I am so sorry. That is truly truly awful. I would worry about yourself right now. I know you want to make your mom's passing as easy as possible . And you are a truly wonderful daughter . It is true sickness they can't see that . Please consider letting them do their own errands and things for a while . I know you want to be kind but not to the point of having them abuse your kindness . My heart just aches for you . I actually started to cry when I read your post . Have a happy birthday sweetheart . Link to comment
WithLove Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 I'm sorry that you're so sick. I wonder if feeling badly physically is making all the other things seem like they are way worse. Maybe you can make the decision to walk away after you've started feeling better. Is that an option? Link to comment
faraday Posted May 24, 2017 Author Share Posted May 24, 2017 Thanks Sera. I know it's pathetic to be sad about this....and if it had been like this for my brother too, I would have totally understood. It's it's only been a month...and she made his birthday so special. They surprised him a few weeks before his birthday with a new windshield on his car...and mom had me make reservations at a very high end restaurant...and ice cream cake with a photo of him and my dad. And last night mom had me sorting through her medications with the calendar, and we filled up the 25th, and it was just a normal day. I wasn't written on the calendar. It didn't click in with her that it wasn't a normal day. I mean...my brother isn't running errands for her. He's not talking to her everyday. Why am I? She doesn't even care about me as a person. I'm a great hired help...without the friggen pay. Sorry. I'm sad. I might go back to bed..this cold is just brutal and it's not helping my mood Link to comment
Seraphim Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 Sweetheart, take some time for yourself. Look after you . Let your mom and dad handle their own problems for a while . It may sound mean but you have to look after you too. Every human being in the world wants to know that their parents care about them and love them . You're not asking for too much . You have nothing to regret you've been a great daughter and a great help . Let them take it from here . Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 I wouldn't blame you if you took some space. It seems unreasonable for you to do all that running around with nothing in return. Link to comment
notalady Posted May 24, 2017 Share Posted May 24, 2017 I agree with taking some space with all the helping out. I think they do take you for granted because you seem to always be there to do things for them and not asking for much if anything in return, so it somehow becomes a right in their mind, even if they don't realise that. Sometimes being less available and more vocal about your own needs and difficulties help them see how good they had it and be less demanding / more appreciative. I used to help my parents do a lot of things including during work days (lunch break etc) because their English are crap. I found myself getting really frustrated that it is taking so much of my time and sometimes I don't think they realise how much time it takes to "just make a call" or "look this up on the internet". So over time I cut it way back and told them how busy I was at work, how it's a bad look if I'm always doing personal things at work etc, now they only ask me to do things when it's really important. It might not work for you but taking some space and be less available is good either way. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 I'm so sorry you are having such a difficult day. I hope you get lots of rest so you can feel a bit better tomorrow and have a good birthday. Happy birthday faraday. It's not just another day- it matters- it's the day YOU were born. I for one am damn happy that day happened and you are here! [ATTACH=CONFIG]11409[/ATTACH] Here's a little bear I saw on my trip... Cute eh?! Hopefully he makes you smile a little bit . Link to comment
mines Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 Awww this sucks! Being so sick, all the stressful events going on in your family, and then no one does anything for your birthday. That would hurt my feelings, honestly, especially with all the hoo-haa on your brother's birthday. Ugh. I am sending you big Happy Birthday wishes! I really think you should take a day to yourself and do something you like, totally selfish, and make that day, your personal birthday celebration. I know it's not the same when family doesn't plan it.....but you still deserve a celebration. I'm 53; 3 years ago I started treating myself to champagne on my birthday. No matter what plans (some or none...) that day, that evening I have a full bottle of bubbly! LOL! Life is short; I wish I had started this tradition years ago! Anyway - everything is made worse by your being physically ill. Please try to take care of yourself, I think you really need a day or two in bed and let everyone else in your life fend for themselves! (except your daughter of course but I think I recall she's visiting her father?) (hugs) Feel better! Link to comment
faraday Posted May 25, 2017 Author Share Posted May 25, 2017 Mom just called. She invited me to dinner tomorrow night at a very touristy place that's not good food. "Because (my) cousin and her husband are in town. Also, I haven't taken your brothers gf out for dinner yet, so this will be a three in one." (A cousin that I haven't spoken to in decades....and "unfriended" me on fb about 6 years ago because her dad and my mom were having an argument about my grandmothers will.) Well...gosh darn it, that just makes me feel so special! I declined. I told her that she's already checked to make sure my brother and his gf could make it, and figured out what time is good for my cousin...and invited me after confirming with everyone else...it doesn't really feel like it's about my birthday. Jay has already booked us in at the place we had our wedding reception at. So we'll do that. Thanks for all the support my forum friends. I feel lucky that people care and support me. I'll get this figured out at some point. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 Good for you! Hate to see you taking advantage of . Have a great birthday with your husband ! Link to comment
faraday Posted May 25, 2017 Author Share Posted May 25, 2017 Good for you! Hate to see you taking advantage of . Have a great birthday with your husband ! Thanks. I feel like a total jerkface. This might be my last birthday with my mom. But if it had been a priority to her, she would have asked me with more than 24 hours notice. Part of it is because earlier in the week she called me "I have a blood test in half an hour, can you drive me?" With no warning. I couldn't do it- I had couseling at the same time as her appointment. She was mad at me that I wasn't willing to drop everything like I often can. But that's what's running me ragged. The counsellor suggested I give her a schedule of when I can accept phone calls/run errands etc for her...so that I can book time in for working etc. Because I haven't even been able to paint lately I've been so busy with stuff for her. *sigh*. I'm so lucky to have Jay and Tine. I need to do self care better. It's hard, I feel selfish. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 You are not selfish. You have a life too. And you have been more than kind of considering how you were treated in your life. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 It's not selfish. It's self preservation. You need a birthday where you aren't on edge worrying about someone else. You need some recoup time. You deserve it too. Having that outside person, my therapist, when mom was sick helped keep me from totally sinking in the self care department. It was really challenging. That's why I'm so glad you have that outside person right now- it's so so hard with all that comes up , but so important. You sound so worn down, and it's no wonder, with how you are being pulled in so many directions. I just hope with all my heart you can have a peaceful, loving, beautiful birthday. Link to comment
WithLove Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 I'm glad you took a stand! Good for you! The memories you'll make with Jay at the wedding reception place will be better than the bitter ones you'd make at the touristy place. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted May 25, 2017 Share Posted May 25, 2017 Have you thought about telling your mother how you feel? I understand this isn't a good time for conflict and wouldn't blame you if you didn't. And I also understand this won't likely change anything. But this was something I learned in therapy - Speaking up for yourself . . changes who you are. You deserve to be heard and you deserve to say how this makes you feel. What they do with that information remains to be seen. And as a mother. . wouldn't you want to know if you daughter was feeling this way, even if it was hard to hear? Happy Birthday Faraday. Enjoy your dinner with your hubby. Link to comment
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