Starting Over....again.

[faraday]

I smiled at the marker thief. Too funny.

 

I love to plant too. I moved to a townhome with 2 cement patios but my last home had a large yard, and you right, it does become your happy place.

You're busy with your hands, you are a part of something living and it rewards you with something beautiful.

 

I don't have much advise about your mom. I sort of feel responsible for pushing to you to say something to her previously and in the end it didn't go well. It's hard because we aren't in your place and personal dynamics are so complex. I guess you have three choices, set it on fire and say everything you wanted to, avoid them, or as you said, be civil and keep your boundaries. Basically, which one would give you the most peace?

 

If you don't have the answer now, it will come to you. Especially with the help of the support group and therapy.

Hang in there.

 

You didn't push me to say something...you reminded me to be authentic. Please don't feel bad about it- I don't. I don't regret saying anything...this is something I needed to know. I've been breaking myself for her, and if she doesn't care about my feelings...why am I doing this to myself? I'm not going to sacrifice my well being, and my family for someone as selfish as her. I'm not as good of a person as you and AIG are...maybe I'll regret it one day. Idk. All I can do is be authentic.

 

It is really hard for you guys to advise me...this dynamic I have with my mom is foreign to everyone outside it. It's pretty messed up. I do appreciate all perspectives though- I learned how to parent by watching people with healthy relationships interact with their children. You guys giving me advice helps me see things outside of the tunnel vision of my relationship with my mom. It's helpful.

 

Idk what I'm going to do yet. You're right, there is only the three options that I can see as well...hopefully something will become apparent to me at some point.

[faraday]

I just want to say...I like you people. Thank you for always telling me like it is, even when it's not the easiest thing to hear. Thanks for being my friends, and caring even though all I do is whine about my life right now. Everyone needs people like you people. You guys are good.

 

(and no, I'm not drunk lol)

[Seraphim]

You deserve to whine.

 

I did for YEARS on my journal too. I honestly don't know how people put up with me . But we all have to work things out in our own time .

 

You are stuck with us. ❤️

[journeynow]

I think very highly of you, faraday. I don't hear you whining. Reflecting or puzzling or expressing, but I haven't heard you whine. You are good, you really are.

[IAmFCA]

Piling on re plants. I like to plant things we eat... herbs, carrots, broccoli, greens. Tomatoes, sometimes. Yum. Used to also plant flowers. T

Food is my fave.

 

Watching TED now. If people are encouraging to make one, I'd like to know what I'm (theoretically) going to make.

[faraday]

Thanks Seraphim and journey I am glad that I'm not annoying you guys.

 

I'm sitting the in the waiting room to meet with the grief counsellor...I hope I can get some ideas on what to do about mom.

 

 

ITIC- I've never had luck with broccoli up here. I think our growing season is too short...or it needs a green house. I love growing greens though. I'm going to plant some lettuce and spinach...totally forgot, so thanks for reminding me lol. Greens are good...and it's so much easier to eat salad everyday when fresh greens are just outside the kitchen door.

[WithLove]

How did the meeting with the grief counselor go?

 

I'm glad you're here. I haven't been on much - stress dealing with work has got me not taking part in stuff - but I'm glad to see that you still pop in.

[WithLove]

Re: growing..... my dad grew a broccoli last year and I was so excited to try it.... we cooked it up, made a veggie side dish with it, with mushrooms and other stuff.... I ate a few bites, then got a closer look at the spoonful I had just loaded and saw a BEETLE ON IT! Ugh!!!! I couldn't eat the last of it and it's the last time my dad grew broccoli, hahaha!

[faraday]

How did the meeting with the grief counselor go?

 

I'm glad you're here. I haven't been on much - stress dealing with work has got me not taking part in stuff - but I'm glad to see that you still pop in.

 

The couseling was awesome! She was super nice...I ended up staying half an hour longer than I was supposed to...but she was so easy to talk to.

 

She's met my parents a few times...she said everything is confidential, so not to worry about them hearing anything I've said. I told her my story. "Family" counselling where only I was sent. Moving out at 14. Moms drinking. Me not talking to her for long periods of my life.

 

She said that my story helped to fill in gaps in what my parents talked about (without elaborating further).

 

I told her the birthday story. Her mouth dropped.

 

We talked about forgiveness. I said I could forgive my mom for the way she raised me...if she'd stop doing stuff like the birthday thing. It's really hard to let things go when they keep happening. We talked about different generational things...how my parents were taught different things than we are now, and how they didn't have the resources available now. We're going to make up a chart of all of the differences in parenting between our generations...she thinks it might help me to forgive. I already understand my parents did the best they could. I expect better of them now.

 

We talked about how to move forward after this birthday thing.

 

I'm meeting with her again on Tuesday. I needed this.

[faraday]

Re: growing..... my dad grew a broccoli last year and I was so excited to try it.... we cooked it up, made a veggie side dish with it, with mushrooms and other stuff.... I ate a few bites, then got a closer look at the spoonful I had just loaded and saw a BEETLE ON IT! Ugh!!!! I couldn't eat the last of it and it's the last time my dad grew broccoli, hahaha!

 

You're funny

[itsallgrand]

Your yard sounds amazing!

I'm in zone 3. Yeah, the gooseberries grow very well here. They are nostalgic for me, as I have fond memories of eating them out of my grandpas garden. That's why I planted one for mom- I knew she'd get a kick out of them growing on her property for years to come.

I'm surprised at the kiwi fruit but that's really neat! I hope you get fruit!!

And yeah apples are messy but I do love apple trees. I love that you are letting Tine pick some things she wants to plant too

Ohh it's def too late for seeds, so I'll bite the bullet and just pick up a few things I know I can grow easily ( even with minor neglect) and that we will eat. Peppers of many kinds, eggplant, tomato, basil, mint, cilantro - going to keep it real simple this year. There are so many amazing u picks for berries here, and I'll have a tone of apples. I have some grapes, raspberries, and others that have managed to survive and are producing well now. The bf s mom has a beautiful property and shares her spoils too. I really enjoy it though ; they bring it to me, I bake it into something and everyone is happy.

 

I hope your session went well. Thank you for being such a sweetheart, and such a good friend. You've seen some of my darker thoughts - I'm no angel. I appreciate the kind words, but don't be going being hard on yourself , I struggled too. It's not easy. And you've got added unique challenges in the mix. There's no use comparing anything cause it just doesn't work. And I think you are amazing. You being you is amazing - more than enough!

[IAmFCA]

Your gardens sound like so much fun. I would gladly help tend them.

 

My spinach lasted after snow melted. Not CA snow, granted, but it was impressively hardy. Sometimes I wonder if my kids will even have snow. I need to stop with the news. Its overwhelming.

 

The grief counselor sounds talented. Giving you a way to place your mom / parents in context. Soften tbe edgss bit. Its a choice, forgiveness. You are asking yourself to forgive a piece of her personality that is threatening in some intangible way. That is a good ask, on point. Also, very difficult.

 

I wonder if your work with her may have an impact on your rl with Jay?

[faraday]

Your gardens sound like so much fun. I would gladly help tend them.

 

My spinach lasted after snow melted. Not CA snow, granted, but it was impressively hardy. Sometimes I wonder if my kids will even have snow. I need to stop with the news. Its overwhelming.

 

The grief counselor sounds talented. Giving you a way to place your mom / parents in context. Soften tbe edgss bit. Its a choice, forgiveness. You are asking yourself to forgive a piece of her personality that is threatening in some intangible way. That is a good ask, on point. Also, very difficult.

 

I wonder if your work with her may have an impact on your rl with Jay?

 

We'll probably always have snow in Canada...but I think about things like that too. Will there be Vancouver island in 50 years? It makes me sad to think about.

 

I've had spinach survive under snow as well...as long as the snow doesn't last more than a day or two. It's very hardy. Still haven't planted yet. But I painted yesterday...that felt really good.

 

I sold another painting. Well, I haven't yet, but it's pretty much a done deal. Someone loves two of my paintings, so next week I'm taking both to his office so he can pick one. They're listed at $2700 and $3500...so I'm excited

 

The grief counsellor seems to be quite smart- making me think outside the parameters of how I'm raising clementine.

It IS hard to forgive someone that's continually doing things to harm you. It goes against self preservation. If she wasn't dying, people would advise me to walk away...but instead it feels like she gets a free pass to be horrible.

 

I wondered if she got me an ice cream cake and didn't tell me about it (because we aren't talking) but dad confirmed no cake. It's tradition in our family...we always get personalized DQ cakes for our birthday. I feel so special. Not even worthy of a freaking cake.

[Seraphim]

Wow, I am sorry.

[reinventmyself]

My situation is unique because after years of therapy my parents were curious and wanted to know what I had learned, because after all everyone knows it's typical to discuss your family dynamics.

 

I held off for a couple years and my therapist encouraged me to tell them. I had promised my mom I would tell her during a weekend that she had planned to spend with me. The weekend had passed and I was making the 90 min drive to take her home. During that drive she pointed out I never told her. So with that I spoke for close to an hour crying and driving the entire time. She cried too.

 

Alot of the things were hard to say and no doubt hard to hear, but I didn't fault her because I understood how she grew up and how she was just replicating all she knew. For that matter towards the end of my marriage I had been imitating her, check out, withdrawn and the ghost that walked around the house. History either repeats itself or you learn from it and do differently.

 

I would have never imagined that it turned out the way it did. After sitting quietly listening, she said`Everything you said is true' While dropping her off she asked if she could share with my father what I had told her and I said yes. I got home another 90 minutes later and walked into my home to find my phone ringing and my dad on the other end. He couldn't bring himself to talk. All he told me while choking up with emotion was how much he love me. I said `I know Dad, I love you too'

 

So . . again. My story had the best possible outcome. I forgive my parents and understand they did the very best they could do with what they knew.

[faraday]

My situation is unique because after years of therapy my parents were curious and wanted to know what I had learned, because after all everyone knows it's typical to discuss your family dynamics.

 

I held off for a couple years and my therapist encouraged me to tell them. I had promised my mom I would tell her during a weekend that she had planned to spend with me. The weekend had passed and I was making the 90 min drive to take her home. During that drive she pointed out I never told her. So with that I spoke for close to an hour crying and driving the entire time. She cried too.

 

Alot of the things were hard to say and no doubt hard to hear, but I didn't fault her because I understood how she grew up and how she was just replicating all she knew. For that matter towards the end of my marriage I had been imitating her, check out, withdrawn and the ghost that walked around the house. History either repeats itself or you learn from it and do differently.

 

I would have never imagined that it turned out the way it did. After sitting quietly listening, she said`Everything you said is true' While dropping her off she asked if she could share with my father what I had told her and I said yes. I got home another 90 minutes later and walked into my home to find my phone ringing and my dad on the other end. He couldn't bring himself to talk. All he told me while choking up with emotion was how much he love me. I said `I know Dad, I love you too'

 

So . . again. My story had the best possible outcome. I forgive my parents and understand they did the very best they could do with what they knew.

 

Your parents sound like they just didn't know better. That they loved you and they tried the best that they could with what they had.

 

I've tried to talk to both of my parents in the past...starting out with, "I know that you loved me and did the best that you possibly could..".

 

My dad denies that my mom is an alcoholic. He says she never hit me, threw me down stairs (even though she did it in front of him more than once). I think he can't handle it, so he just denies it.

 

I tried to talk to mom once and that was when she confessed that she never wanted children, dad made her, and that she didn't like or love me growing up and that nothing has really changed for her. She said she was sad that her mother said those same things to her...but wouldn't see that saying them to me would hurt me as well.

 

So those conversations were awkward.

 

It leaves me in a really horrible place...do I drop them for my own mental health? Do I forgive them and give them the benefit of the doubt? Idk.

 

All I know is...things are so peaceful right now. This last week has been nice.

[reinventmyself]

Oh faraday. I am speechless. (Hugs)

[faraday]

Oh faraday. I am speechless. (Hugs)

 

Thanks. I know that it's hard to respond to that...I mean, after both conversations with my parents I just kind of sat there in shocked silence.

 

It's baffling to me how people can look normal and be so messed up internally. Looking at my parents, you'd think, "those people are totally normal. Average middle class hardworking Canadians." And they are. They just have really messed up secrets.

 

It makes me wonder how many other people grew up in this level of dysfunction. I guess I just feel really lucky that I was able to recognize it and change it. I remember after I told Tines dad that I was pregnant I looked at him and said, "what if I can't love it? What if I do the same things to it that my parents did to me?" And he looked scared too because he knew.

 

Maybe recognizing it and being vigilant about recognizing it is how a person stops it. I don't think my mom knows she repeated the pattern...she drank herself numb...and now she takes pain meds.

 

If I'm going to forgive her, I have to do it without an apology and knowing that this treatment will continue until the day she dies. It's not an easy thing to wrap my head around. Right now I want to tell her what I really think but nothing good can come from that....so instead I overthink it and drive everyone else crazy

[reinventmyself]

 

It's baffling to me how people can look normal and be so messed up internally. Looking at my parents, you'd think, "those people are totally normal. Average middle class hardworking Canadians." And they are. They just have really messed up secrets.

 

It makes me wonder how many other people grew up in this level of dysfunction.

 

 

I have considered that, looking back at the kids and families I grew up with. Things are much more transparent now, but back in time there were the `family secrets' no one dared speak of and people took to their grave. My parents are of that generation.

[Seraphim]

You won't get an apology just like I won't from my dad either. Forgiveness is for YOU. See they don't care if you forgive or not because they don't think they've done anything wrong . You can't make any headway with people who don't think they've done anything wrong . Forgive in your heart and let them go for your own sanity . That's the way I see it anyway . My councellors told me that I could love my dad and forgive him in my heart but I do not need to be further victimized and further abused just because he's my father or just because he's mentally ill or sick . Remember people like your mother and my father are not hurting because we hurt . It's better for us not to continue to hurt ourselves .

[faraday]

Today dad called and asked if I have a portable heater I could bring over for mom to use when she's in the shower...so I dropped it off and headed out. Got a text from mom thanking me very much. She's also now commenting on my fb stuff, which she hadn't in a week. I don't know what to do with her. She's confusing.

 

I talked to Tine about it yesterday...she asked me why we haven't been over there. I told her the story about how gramma didn't care if she celebrated my birthday with me this year and when I told her, she didn't care. Clementine said, "that's so rude, mom. I can't believe she would treat you like that!" And I said, yeah me too...if you were me, what would you do. And she said, "I would tell her that she doesn't get to see any of us anymore until she apologizes." I told her that it wasn't my decision to "let" clementine see gramma, that if clementine wants to see gramma, she's always allowed. She said that she "doesn't want to spend time with people that are rude."

 

Solidarity. But makes me feel bad that she's needing to make decisions like that. Idk if I did the right thing telling her. Parenting is hard.

[Seraphim]

I totally tell my son what kind of person my father is . That he was an abusive parent. I don't want my son drawn in by my dad.

 

But my son has only seen my dad about 20 times and never alone. He has 2 other grandfathers anyway.

[reinventmyself]

Today dad called and asked if I have a portable heater I could bring over for mom to use when she's in the shower...so I dropped it off and headed out. Got a text from mom thanking me very much. She's also now commenting on my fb stuff, which she hadn't in a week. I don't know what to do with her. She's confusing.

 

I talked to Tine about it yesterday...she asked me why we haven't been over there. I told her the story about how gramma didn't care if she celebrated my birthday with me this year and when I told her, she didn't care. Clementine said, "that's so rude, mom. I can't believe she would treat you like that!" And I said, yeah me too...if you were me, what would you do. And she said, "I would tell her that she doesn't get to see any of us anymore until she apologizes." I told her that it wasn't my decision to "let" clementine see gramma, that if clementine wants to see gramma, she's always allowed. She said that she "doesn't want to spend time with people that are rude."

 

Solidarity. But makes me feel bad that she's needing to make decisions like that. Idk if I did the right thing telling her. Parenting is hard.

 

Awww . .Little Sweetheart. Kids are so much more transparent and honest than we are.

You did the right thing. It's all life's lessons. She asked, you were honest and gave her only the basic details to her question without unnecessarily oversharing.

And you still let her know it was ok to visit her grandmother if she chooses.

[faraday]

Awww . .Little Sweetheart. Kids are so much more transparent and honest than we are.

You did the right thing. It's all life's lessons. She asked, you were honest and gave her only the basic details to her question without unnecessarily oversharing.

And you still let her know it was ok to visit her grandmother if she chooses.

 

Thank you. I was trying to keep it basic and age appropriate without oversharing...and I really wondered if I was doing the right thing. I don't want to bias her against my mom...I just want her to be able to develop her own opinions/feelings on things...and I want her to see how I deal with conflicts so that she can learn from them.

[faraday]

So I went over to mom and dads to drop off something in the garage last week...mom came out of the house in her nightgown to talk to me. She just starting talking like nothing had happened. I give up. I'm not going to go out of my way anymore for her but I'm not going to not talk to her either.

 

I tried to talk to her about the birthday thing but it was just a bunch of excuses...and I can't think about it without being sad, so I won't.