Starting Over....again.

[faraday]

Thank you IAG, Journey and Batya

 

I'm not as low as I was...but I'm still struggling. I'm not sure why I'm having such lows right now. I seem to bob up and down in between "just barely okay" to "a complete f-ing mess"...which feel like extremes..,but probably aren't.

 

I'm really struggling with meds.

 

The one med allows me to be super productive and focused (so I feel really good about myself on it), but I can't sleep. I was on the max dose of that one.

 

My doctor just gave me a new drug, in the same category (a stimulant), but he put me on the lowest dose. So it's not doing anything. I'm going to go in today to talk to him. I took two pills the last two days and it's still not working great...because it's still not even a third of the max dose (not saying I need to be at max dose, but they're in the same category- my body has a tolerance). Shouldn't he have expected that? He gave me an entire months prescription at the minimum dose.

 

I feel like such a whiner when I go in. I just want to be functional AND sleep. But I'll go back on my old drug if he's not willing to properly dose this new med...even if it means 3 hours of sleep a night. The not being functional during the day thing is too much of a hit to my self esteem...I hate sitting around as much as I have been...I just have no drive.

 

Today Jay and I are picking up a home gym. I cancelled my gym membership (I've been struggling with the hours there- they don't open early enough) and with the savings, was able to purchase something used, at a great price, that I think will work pretty good for me. Jay is interested in using it too.

 

He set up the ping pong table a few days ago in the basement. So we've played a few times. I love ping pong. Not sure why lol. The house came with a pool table and I never play...but putting the ping pong table top over the pool table works great. I love it.

 

I'm trying to not take things personally with my friends. I think you're right Journey, about the seeing me as capable thing. I've had people comment about "what a do-er" I am...how I seem to have more time than the average person based on how much I get done. So maybe they don't see how much less I'm doing now. I feel barely functional. My to do list is huge and grows and I'm barely keeping up

[WithLove]

Have you tried something OTC to help you sleep?

 

I love pool! I would gladly take that table off your hands, lol. How does Tine like the ping pong table? I'm glad it's something you and jay can enjoy together

[WithLove]

By the way, I feel like a whiner when it comes to my meds, too. It's just that I know my own body and mental status well enough to know when things are or are not working for me.

[faraday]

Have you tried something OTC to help you sleep?

 

I love pool! I would gladly take that table off your hands, lol. How does Tine like the ping pong table? I'm glad it's something you and jay can enjoy together

 

Even with melatonin I can't sleep on my prior med. I can sleep if I use a prescription sleeping pill...but that's not how I want to live.

 

If I could, I'd totally send you my pool table! It's just not my thing. Jay thought he'd use it all the time...but has maybe 3-4 times since we moved in. But he won't get rid of it lol. It takes up half of our finished basement space...and it just sits there. Oh well.

 

I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels like a whiner about meds. It just sucks when they aren't working...And I feel even weirder/ackward-er because this is a new doctor, he doesn't know me...and my prescription is very easily sellable on the street. I want to assure him that I'm not selling them lol, but I think that will make me look like I am.

 

Today I carried up a small table and my sewing machine from the basement. I want to sew, but because it's downstairs, I don't. I want to be in light (sunlight) and with people. The basement is lonely and dark. Hopefully all these changes will be good for me. I'm trying to do good things for me. I hope Jay doesn't mind that I rearranged half the house when he was sleeping lol.

[faraday]

Mom has a fever again today. They don't know why she's had a fever every day for the last 2 weeks. It's not good.

[faraday]

I found out yesterday Jay invited his sister to stay with us for a week. I have a show on Saturday.

 

He promised to have everything clean and ready. Guess who's been cleaning all morning? And he's like "you seem upset". F. Seriously? He promised me this would have no impact on me...this does not bode well for the rest of the week. He also promised we'd have a mellow day today to hang out because when she gets here (at dinner time) we won't have any alone time until after she's gone. But he went to board game day all day at his friends house yesterday, so now he's busy all day today. He told me he'd meal plan, grocery shop, cook...but he hasn't prepped any of it. I'm so frustrated. I know, just let the house be a disaster and eat perogies all week...but this is ridiculous. If I have to have to host right now while I'm depressed and working crazy hours and dealing with mom, the least he can f-ing do is make it easier on me by not making me live in a pig sty with insta food.

[journeynow]

You don't have to be a host, your plate is full. Let J or let go. (You are your mother's daughter…remember shining the silver? It's a choice, not a law.)

[faraday]

I know I shouldn't get this upset. It's stupid. It's just...hosting is already exhausting enough...and I'm already running on empty.

 

I'm excited about my home gym though. It's set up in the basement...I'll get up early tomorrow and get a workout in before Tine gets up for school. I think things like that will help with my stress levels.

 

I just need to find my centre again.

[journeynow]

I know. And I understand how challenging it is to get that center when so much is going on. It's great that you've got a home gym, now. I hope your sleep and meds get worked out. Good sleep is precious.

[WithLove]

How're you feeling today, my friend?

[Seraphim]

Then you don't clean for his sister to come nor make anything. Seriously, would have killed him and gone to a hotel for the week and he can't explain it to his sister.

[faraday]

Then you don't clean for his sister to come nor make anything. Seriously, would have killed him and gone to a hotel for the week and he can't explain it to his sister.

 

Except I work from home...hotels oddly don't like it when you paint in their rooms...and we don't have an extra $1400 (plus more for food) for hotel rooms right now because no income.

[Seraphim]

Except I work from home...hotels oddly don't like it when you paint in their rooms...and we don't have an extra $1400 (plus more for food) for hotel rooms right now because no income.

 

Would he just agree to not having his family Which seems to be A LOT while you are so stressed and your family is dealing with so much.

[faraday]

How're you feeling today, my friend?

 

I'm feeling a bit better. Didn't sleep great last night.

 

Jay is coming with me to the doctor today. I'm not great at articulating things when I'm not on proper meds...I struggle to put complex ideas together in ways others can understand (and that I can understand myself)...so jay is coming to advocate for me.

 

He's also taken over setting up a counselling appointment for me. I'm struggling right now to get things done....and he's acknowledged I need help. He's also going to look for a doctor that specializes in ADHD...because the doctor I've been currently seeing...is not understanding what I need and it's making my struggle that much harder.

[faraday]

Would he just agree to not having his family Which seems to be A LOT while you are so stressed and your family is dealing with so much.

 

His sister is already here.

[Seraphim]

His sister is already here.

 

I would ask him to stop with the parade of people for the time being.

[faraday]

And that's why I was also kind of mad. I got a day and a half notice that someone was staying with us for a week...and I have to set up for my show on Thursday. And jay is saying things like "she can help us set up" and...no. Just no. It's already going to be stressful enough without trying to find things for her to do for four hours in a 10x10 foot booth.

 

I just feel like a mess. I need to get meds sorted. That's the first step to feeling better. I need to be functional, and be able to sleep. Then I will see a counsellor to deal with my depression and help me come to terms with mom. Hopefully, I'll be functional again at that point. Right now I do not feel capable. I do not have any motivation to do anything. I cry all the time. I sleep the rest. I need help. It's hard to advocate for yourself when you can't even shower. Hopefully I'll be able to get proper meds today with Jay at the doctor with me. If not...idk what I'll do.

[WithLove]

It's good that jay is advocating for you. That's a good thing. I hope you get sorted soon and start feeling better.

[itsallgrand]

One step at a time. Today, the doctor. That's good Jay is going to give you some help with straightening things up with your meds and the doctor. It sounds like you do have a good plan,it's just so overwhelming right now. And that's totally understandable.

 

How are things at the house today?

[Seraphim]

You have every right to tell him he is creating more work. Not that you don't love and appreciate his sister but not right now. You are too stressed and it wont be helping you but adding more stress.

[faraday]

]

 

Well...no wonder I'm a mess. My doctor didn't taper me off.

[faraday]

Reading articles about withdrawal, it also talks about suicidal ideations.

 

It's not me. It's the drugs.

 

I need a f-ing doctor that knows what he's doing. This is bad.

[journeynow]

And that's why I was also kind of mad. I got a day and a half notice that someone was staying with us for a week...and I have to set up for my show on Thursday. And jay is saying things like "she can help us set up" and...no. Just no. It's already going to be stressful enough without trying to find things for her to do for four hours in a 10x10 foot booth.

 

Oh no! I don't blame you for being thrown off or upset.

 

Oh, faraday, I hope you get some lasting relief and good meds! Hugs! And I hope Jay comes through and takes thing off your plate. It probably doesn't help me to say "Breathe"…. keep breathing, deep breaths. I feel anxious reading all you are going through, and I can only imagine what it is like. Hang in there! (((Hugs)))

[itsallgrand]

Wow. That makes sense now though. I hope youfind a better doc soon. That's so irresponsible of that Doctor.

At least you know what's happening though. I hope you get relief soon.

Is it the new doctor you are seeing today?

If you need to, you can go to a clinic and explain and get short term prescription

[faraday]

No new doctor I went back to the one that I have been seeing, but this time I brought Jay.

 

The doctor didn't believe me about the withdrawal symptoms...he had to look it up. Then he was much nicer to me. He's put me on adderall. I hope it helps. It's been a scary few weeks....I just want to feel normal again.