Jump to content
Journals

Journals


Open Club  ·  99 members  ·  Free

Journals

Starting Over....again.

faraday

By faraday
in Journals

Recommended Posts

faraday Grand Master

faraday

Posted
  • Author
Posted

My mom is getting sicker It's hard. Today she was throwing up because her chest hurt so much. I can't imagine being in so much pain that throwing up is the option. Jeebus.

 

Tonight I asked if I could stop by for half an hour and drop off something for her to eat tomorrow for lunch...but she wanted to clean her silverware. She's always cared about stuff like that. I wonder when she'll realize it doesn't matter

Link to comment
  • Replies 4.2k
  • Created
  • Last Reply
Seraphim Grand Master

Seraphim

Posted
Posted
My mom is getting sicker It's hard. Today she was throwing up because her chest hurt so much. I can't imagine being in so much pain that throwing up is the option. Jeebus.

 

Tonight I asked if I could stop by for half an hour and drop off something for her to eat tomorrow for lunch...but she wanted to clean her silverware. She's always cared about stuff like that. I wonder when she'll realize it doesn't matter

I am so sorry. Maybe look at it this way cleaning and caring about the aesthetics of life keeps her from being in pain or thinking about what will happen . It is a distraction .

Link to comment
IAmFCA Grand Master

IAmFCA

Posted
Posted
My mom is getting sicker It's hard. Today she was throwing up because her chest hurt so much. I can't imagine being in so much pain that throwing up is the option. Jeebus.

 

Tonight I asked if I could stop by for half an hour and drop off something for her to eat tomorrow for lunch...but she wanted to clean her silverware. She's always cared about stuff like that. I wonder when she'll realize it doesn't matter

 

I am so sorry foe tbis pain. And the pain of seeing pain. You are the embodiment of courage.

Link to comment
faraday Grand Master

faraday

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I know when I'm in so much pain that I just want to die obviously not that I have anything fatal I just have to do mundane and things so that I can keep my shyte together. And that gives a hope for tomorrow .

 

I totally understand that.

 

I don't understand knowing that she has a fatal condition and continuing to do these mundane things that she dislikes.

(EDITED TO ADD- and I understand that doing these things is hope for tomorrow- for many future tomorrows)

 

But I also know she's starting to realize she's not going to make it...because she's starting to eat what she wants. She wants an egg mcmuffin? She gets one. Mexifries? She gets them. And I'm so glad! She finds so little joy in food right now, and she's lost so much weight...I'm glad that when she wants something, she sends someone out for it. Dad has eaten raisin bran every morning for 30 years...and mom hates it...and dad always made her feel bad for eating something else...but now, she makes French toast and does give a f what I he thinks...and I'm happy for her. She went shopping for Tine- bought her a bunch of clothing. She wouldn't have done that a year ago. She's trying to help me out financially- she's been just randomly giving me hundred dollar bills.

 

So I think she is realizing on some level that her time is limited. That she should enjoy food (finally)...she won't plant a garden this year (because she knows it's too much work) ...it's the first time ever.

 

But then...she won't hire a house keeper...and she keeps polishing silverware. I mean, when she's gone...no one will polish it. Dad won't even want it...my brother and I won't...it's from a time past. It's weird, the focus on polishing silverware.

 

Dad really wants a house cleaner. A lot of the cleaning has been delegated to him...but mom "doesn't want someone in her house when she's doing just fine." But her house is getting dirtier. I mean, it's still cleaner than mine...but she's like show home level of cleaning normally...and lately I've noticed dust in places where there normally wouldn't be. She always told me to tell her if that happened...her moms home was always immaculate, but when her eye sight got bad, she house went downhill and it really shook up my mom. She used to fly out there a few times a year and clean everything when her mom was sleeping. So she made me promise that I would tell her if her house started slipping. She doesn't want her house "to smell like an old people house." I'll wait a while...it's still clean by normal standards (just not by Betty standards). I just feel bad for dad- he needs help...but I can barely keep my own house organized

 

Last night when I tucked in clementine she told me she wants to die in her sleep. She clarified, "when I'm 100 mom, not now." It's hard to watch mom in so much pain....even clementine can see it.

 

I'm going to pull Tine from school one day this week for a few hours..we'll go make creatures out of play dough with mom. Or draw together. Whenever mom is having a good day. Tine doesn't get to see her very much...and I want her to have more memories of mom before mom becomes bedridden.

Link to comment
norvin500 Newbie

norvin500

Posted
Posted
Thanks for stopping in I ended up marrying the guy I was talking about in the piece you quoted. We're coming up to our one year anniversary in June.

 

I hope your heart heals quickly and you're able to get back out there soon

Thanks Hun.All the best,at this difficult time.I did it few years back.Its tough.

Link to comment
journeynow Grand Master

journeynow

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry to hear about your mom, faraday. I can understand the polishing thing, though. It's meditative and therapeutic, gives a focus, touching shiny things, perhaps things connected with family, and gives one a sense of managing things.

 

When I consider my mortality and imagining my stuff when I'm gone, I feel like I need to clean, organize, throw out, and basically leave my place ready for visitors, and judgement.

 

By the way, I've enjoyed your art, your display, and hearing about the shows. Fabulous work!

Link to comment
faraday Grand Master

faraday

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks Journey

 

Mom has been organizing and cleaning things. She's went through many of the closets and purged. She's been going through the photo albums for weeks. I get not wanting people to judge her...but none of us will. I wish she knew that. I wish she knew how much I want her to spend her "good" time- the few hours she has everyday where she doesn't feel awful- doing things she truly loves. I wish she would work on her garden...she loves that. But she doesn't want to burden us with its maintenance later this summer. I would take care of it gladly for her. I want her to find joy so much.

Link to comment
itsallgrand Grand Master

itsallgrand

Posted
Posted

My mom did something similar. Suggestion? Let her do whatever she needs to. Offer to help and be there - for whatever.

Those mundane moments are some of my most vivid and cherished right now because mom let me get close to her in a way that's hard to put into words. I didn't understand it all, and she didn't tell me all her thoughts and feelings - but we got to be together. I washed floors and walls for her in some of her last weeks - she wanted me to, and couldn't do it herself anymore.

 

Who knows what I'll be thinking if I ever have to consciously face my own death, yknow?! Or what I'll want to do?! But I hope I will have people to support me - that's all.

 

And huge mega hugs to you. You are processing too, and it's not easy . Anything you feel too, it's ok.

Link to comment
Seraphim Grand Master

Seraphim

Posted
Posted

As I said I have nothing fatal so obviously I have no understanding that my life will end but when I'm suffering some of the worst pain of my life and I think it will never end doing mundane crap is the only thing that keeps you going. In that way you can put 1 foot in front of the other . It makes sense to fall back on routines ,you fall back on what you have always done in your life. THAT is comfort.

Link to comment
journeynow Grand Master

journeynow

Posted
Posted

faraday, has the silver been passed down to her from a previous generation? The only time I've come into silver has been when family has passed and I've gotten a few pieces that belonged to great-relatives (great-grandmother, or great-aunt) and it surprisingly made me feel connected to them, made them more alive to me. If that is true for your mother, it may be a symbolic way to connect with those who've gone on ahead of her, and there may be a spiritual aspect to it. Who knows, we are not any of us in her shoes.

 

I understand that you won't judge. I didn't with either of my parents, but the truth was we kids had to go through every item they left behind, handle it, sort it, distribute, or donate. It affected how I look at my own stuff.

Link to comment
Seraphim Grand Master

Seraphim

Posted
Posted
faraday, has the silver been passed down to her from a previous generation? The only time I've come into silver has been when family has passed and I've gotten a few pieces that belonged to great-relatives (great-grandmother, or great-aunt) and it surprisingly made me feel connected to them, made them more alive to me. If that is true for your mother, it may be a symbolic way to connect with those who've gone on ahead of her, and there may be a spiritual aspect to it. Who knows, we are not any of us in her shoes.

 

I understand that you won't judge. I didn't with either of my parents, but the truth was we kids had to go through every item they left behind, handle it, sort it, distribute, or donate. It affected how I look at my own stuff.

 

I agree I got my step grandmother's real silver cutlery . And her real antique marble tables . I am Gaga about it and she's a woman I barely knew. So if it's someone you had a deep connection to ...

Link to comment
sophie274 Mentor

sophie274

Posted
Posted

Are you reading them with Tine? We had a nanny who read the first couple of books to us when they first came out. Of course I was way old enough to read on my own but this was a nice bedtime ritual with my sister. I was around 10 I think. When the next couple of books came out, we were with friends so I read aloud to the group. Good memories

Link to comment
faraday Grand Master

faraday

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Are you reading them with Tine? We had a nanny who read the first couple of books to us when they first came out. Of course I was way old enough to read on my own but this was a nice bedtime ritual with my sister. I was around 10 I think. When the next couple of books came out, we were with friends so I read aloud to the group. Good memories

 

I have been trying to get her to read them with me for years...I finally just got her to watch the first movie last week for the first time...and she's obsessed! We finished movie 6 last night.

 

I think that now that she's seen the movies, she'll be more inclined to read the books. I hope so anyway Jay and I have three full sets between us...we're Potterheads

 

Maybe I'll start out by reading out loud to her like you had growing up...thats a good plan

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...