Starting Over....again.

[WithLove]

Glad you had a great day yesterday! What're you up to today?

[faraday]

This morning I went to an info session set up through our provincial health services...the info session unlocks a ton of free resources for a year...things like meetings with a registered dietician, kinesiologists...cooking classes, exercise classes...like it's crazy how much is offered. They have dieticians specifically for UC...so that will be amazing. I was talking to the nurse afterward about struggling with consistent motivation. I was saying "some days I'm so motivated, and other days I have nothing to give to being healthier" and mentioned Jay being laid off for a year, and dealing with moms health, and being an entrepreneur and just how I'm struggling a lot right now with finding a doctor to help with my meds...and she was very empathetic. She said that a psychologist might be able to help find a doctor that's knowledgeable about ADHD meds and help me manage my stress better- she thought it seemed like I had a lot of things going on. I mentioned not having benefits, and jay being laid off again...and how I would love to talk to someone about everything but it just wasn't financially possible right now. She said that they did offer some mental health services, but if need to be referred by a doctor in their system. We looked- none of the doctors I've been are part of their system...so she looked at me...and said, "you know what? I'm going to figure this out for you. I'm going to get you a referral." I'm seeing someone on Monday. I can't even believe it. This is amazing. I almost cried.

 

So that's pretty exciting

 

I told my mom that I am starting counselling, and she asked, "what for?"

 

Like...this is why I feel alone lol. People just don't get the amount of stress I'm under...it just gets dismissed as the new normal and it's assumed I'm fine.

 

I'm a bit nervous about Monday. I don't even know what to talk about...I have so many things to say, but where to start?

[WithLove]

That's so great!!!!! Seriously, I almost teared up reading how that woman went to bat for you. See what I said?? That you get help when you least e left it, if you only just try to reach out. I'm so happy for you. This is going to be so good.

[journeynow]

That's great! I'm glad you went to the info session, and met with her. I hope she finds something. Don't give up! If you can take advantage of as much as possible from what is offered, something may develop with lasting positive results. It's very scary how clueless your doctor has been about meds. I don't know if your pharmacist can be of any help, but they might have more information about meds, withdrawal, etc. I'm sorry there isn't, and hasn't been, support or understanding or even listening from your family.

[faraday]

Thank you, my friends I'm pretty stoked. I feel like if I can get some coping strategies in place, I can start to make some positive changes.

 

So yesterday I went clothes shopping. I just told Jay "sorry, my clothes don't make me feel good anymore, I'm already depressed enough without the daily struggle of trying to find something in my closet that fits/looks good/makes me feel good about myself...so I'm spending $300 and buying myself some clothes that don't make me feel like a fat blob."

 

And today I feel really good. I bought several shirts and 5 pairs of pants...and they fit, and they flatter my body...and I feel so much better about myself. I can't believe how much clothing can make a difference. So...I'm not letting that happen again...where I put my needs down so low on the list that I feel like crap about myself. It sucks to spend money...but clothing is a need, not a want.

[itsallgrand]

Aww so good to read this! And wow that is fast to see someone! So so happy you found a health care professional who is listening and in your corner. I just want to give her a big hug!

And you too, cause you are amazing, my friend!

 

Its ok to be nervous, and to not be sure where to start. All you gotta do is show up - that's half the battle. Once you get in there, things will start flowing out. From there, they will help you clarify your goals. And then, how you will go about getting there. First time is a getting to know you, and for you to see if it's a good fit.

 

Whatever happens, you've now got a slew more resources and a nurse on your side! Im excited for you to finally be getting some support !!!

[notalady]

Such excellent news!! It's awesome when we find kindness in strangers

[WithLove]

Update on how the meeting went today!!!

[Seraphim]

I am so glad you are getting help!

[faraday]

Okay, update: it went AWESOME.

 

It turns out the guy I met with has run a few different ADHD clinics...he's a specialist in the field. So we talked about my med issue, and he recommended several doctors that I can meet to help me with meds and ADHD.

He also recommended a few books (and lent me one which I thought was really nice).

 

We talked about my mom, and he recommended a program I should check out through the cancer centre...so that helps...I was feeling a bit overwhelmed looking at the website.

 

He was just very easy to talk to. I didn't feel any judgement at all about anything I said...even talking about my upbringing...and struggling with the guilt over mom being sick...and all of the responsibilities being placed on me right now. He didn't make me feel like he felt sorry for me, or that I was being dramatic...he just listened and seemed empathetic. I quite like him. I think he'll be a good person to talk to. I only get 6 sessions though (for free anyway), so hopefully we'll be able to cover a lot and set up different coping strategies and find different resources that I can tap into.

 

It just felt really good to be heard. To not have someone interrupt me and talk about their feelings.

 

Like, I met with a friend today, and her dad died of lung cancer over ten years ago...and she kept bringing up my mom and asking about she is, and crying (like she asked 4-5 times)....and it was kind of exhausting. Like, I love her, but I was excited to go to the grocery store and get away from her...and I dislike grocery shopping lol. So....yeah. It was really nice to be able to talk about things I want to talk about.

[itsallgrand]

Good! So good to hear!

[WithLove]

I'm lying in bed and was about to go to sleep, but wanted to check to see if you'd posted an update. So glad I checked, and even more glad to hear how awesome it went! God, I'm just so happy that you've found *something*. This is so good.

[Batya33]

What great news to hear - hope the next session goes just as well.

[faraday]

The psychologist I met with lent me a book, "My Brain Still Needs Glasses"...about ADHD. I'm going to make Jay read it. It's really a neat book- the author was able to condense fairly complex ideas into really simple, short explanations...and the book is set up exactly like how I write things out. There's boxes everywhere with ideas she wants to highlight- tons of page breaks, checklists...bullet points...when I listened to lectures and used to take notes, this is exactly what my pages would look like. It's almost like a kids book lol. I just think reading this will help Jay to understand me a bit more.

 

It talks about how many people with ADHD don't react to situations- we overreact. And how many patients experience emotional highs and lows. Sometimes I've wondered if I'm bipolar because of my ups and downs, but this now makes a lot of sense. It also talks about how a lot of undiagnosed adults with ADHD medicate themselves with caffeine...before meds I drank around 15 cups of coffee a day.

 

I've had trouble sleeping my entire life (even if I decided to forgo coffee that day) until I started on meds...where I then slept like a log every night. They said that's common too. If you're not in the right dose/med you'll have a hard time sleeping. I think I started to have consistent sleep problems around Christmas last year, and that might be due to stress.

 

The psychologist gave me a list of GPs he knows and recommends that are accepting patients. Im going to set up appointments with a few of them (I've researched a few online already) and make a timeline of things...from when I was diagnosed 3 years ago. What meds I've been on- what stressors have been occurring...what my reactions have been. I need to go get a drug print out from the pharmacy.

 

I do still think I'm depressed. Not the extreme depression I was in when I went into withdrawal...but like a depression most people experience when a loved one is dying and their spouse is laid off and money is tight. Jay actually used a really good analogy last night. The swimming to shore while trying to save someone drowning analogy. I think I'm a pretty good swimmer (metaphorically), but I fell off the boat a long time ago (a year and a half ago) and I've got a few people clinging to me. My mom doesn't know how to swim...my dad, who is a good swimmer like me (so we're taking turns trying to keep mom afloat and help each other out so we can take breaks)...and for a while there, I was saving Jay when he was drowning after he lost his job...he is now trying to help too, but we've also got clementine we're trying to keep afloat...and my business. My mom has a whole bunch of things tied to her that are weighing us down- my brother, the cat, she wants vengeance against the doctor that misdiagnosed her and essentially gave her a death sentence with his neglect. She's also dragging dad down with guilt- about not hiring help for her or the house- she wants him to do everything...it doesn't make sense- "don't take any floatation devices, you must save me completely on your own."

 

Anyway, the metaphor helps. I might draw it out later for my own benefit.

 

Writing all this out helps me organize things in my tangle brain...thanks for listening.

[faraday]

I wonder if I can explain the getting help (with housework) thing to my mom by using the drowning metaphor. She's not very good at understanding things like that so maybe not.

 

The psychologist said ADHD is largely genetic. Since both my brother and I have it, one of my parents probably does too. There's no way it's my mom...she's like a workhorse...she just makes lists and does them without thinking....but maybe my dad. He doesn't believe in ADHD, so it would be really hard to test him. But maybe being with someone like my mom helped...she's the most organized person I've ever met...maybe she keeps dad organized so he's more functional. Idk. I wish I could talk to him about it. The aunt that I like the most (on dads side) doesn't believe in ADHD either...something to do with the devil and not believing in God or something lol...oh extended family...so fun. My moms sister shows classic ADHD symptoms...but she's not a kind person. I'd like to talk to her...but it might open a can of worms.

[faraday]

]

 

That oddly helped actually.

 

The money bags on Jay and I represent the stress of bills and fiscal responsibilities.

 

My brother is over in a sinking boat alone. He's got a bucket, but he's alone so it's hard to keep afloat. He stays away because he's worried we'll sink his boat. He doesn't know we can take turns with the bucket.

 

Mom is holding onto dad and I...she is dragging ropes with the house (and all the household responsibilities), the cat, my brother, and a weight of guilt. She's making dad and I carry those burdens. Jay is floating next to me...he's burdened by responsibility, and he's keeping Tine and I floating as best as he can. Tine knows the boat sank, and is off doing her own thing. She's playing. Thankfully she doesn't see that there's no land in sight. There are storm clouds and life preservers off in the distance. Mom won't let us get the life preservers because she thinks they'll make us weaker.

 

I suck at drawing...painting is my medium. This helped me...visuals help.

[faraday]

Well, that was interesting.

 

I just sent my brother the picture with a message explaining it, and told him, "you're not alone. I know that we're both busy with responsibilities and we don't see each other often...and I worry about you. I need you to tell me when you need help- I'm here for you."

 

And he called me back immediately. Said he's the happiest he's ever been. He met a girl a week ago. Oh jeez. They've spent everyday together since they met...she's the best thing ever. He's met her family...she's incredible. Two weeks ago my mom told him to get rid of his other gf (the one that threatens suicide every time he tries to break up with her...and she only cares about make up and nails...and won't help clear the table etc)...so..I'm now more worried for him than I was before lol. I hope she's good people...we're meeting her next week- he's bringing her to Mother's Day brunch

[Seraphim]

Hugs❤️

....

[mines]

Your drawing is quite interesting. I'm frankly amazed at how you analyzed all that is going on in your life, in this simple drawing! I'm really happy it helped you to draw it all out.....you obviously work on a visual basis (not saying you're limited to that, only that in people like me, visual is limited......)

 

Equally interesting, your brother's message. A new girl, for a week. Ok. Well, I also hope she is good people. Wow.

 

Dear Faraday, (hug) wishing the best for you and yours. Thank you for sharing your drawing; it is very enlightening and I think it may help me to make my own.

[faraday]

Your drawing is quite interesting. I'm frankly amazed at how you analyzed all that is going on in your life, in this simple drawing! I'm really happy it helped you to draw it all out.....you obviously work on a visual basis (not saying you're limited to that, only that in people like me, visual is limited......)

 

Equally interesting, your brother's message. A new girl, for a week. Ok. Well, I also hope she is good people. Wow.

 

Dear Faraday, (hug) wishing the best for you and yours. Thank you for sharing your drawing; it is very enlightening and I think it may help me to make my own.

 

Thanks mines. I feel a bit like a kid holding up my drawing and asking for it to be displayed on the fridge lol, but it really did help me to put it to paper like that. When people describe something, it almost means nothing to me...but something I can look at is instantly understood.

[faraday]

So I went to a course on emotional eating today...it's part of the health thing I went to last week- this one was put on through one of the hospitals.

 

I'm trying to figure out if the course was really bad, or if most people are just really not insightful/self aware. A huge chunk of the course went over what healthy eating looks like...which...was confusing because it was supposed to be about emotional eating. The meals we eat in our house are awesome. They contain high fibre, veggies, and a meat alternative at almost every single meal. Snacks are fruit. My issue is eating when I'm bored or sad...aka emotional eating. They barely even talked about it. There was huge discussions about how sugar is addictive like cocaine (which is not medically accurate) and went into a bunch of reasons why we're programmed to be fat (which honestly, is reasonable to talk about briefly, but too much talking about it starts to sound like they're making excuses), and how companies are trying to make us fat (ummmm..no. They're trying to sell us more. The end result may be the same but intention is not...it's not a conspiracy). Then they went into this big thing about not beating yourself up when you eat bad, being aware and not using negative talk. I don't do any of that. When I eat something really unhealthy, I think "I better eat now veggies tomorrow"...not "I'm a fat lard bucket with no self control and everyone hates me." Like that's messed up. I left the course halfway through. I thought they'd given me strategies for how to stop emotional eating...but it seems like most people aren't aware when they're doing it. I'm aware. I know I'm eating chocolate because I'm either bored or sad. I just don't care. That's what I was looking for help with.

 

There's supposed to be two more classes...not sure if I can sit through them. That was painful.

 

 

I got a phone call right after class...mom got her last c-scan results...no improvement. Not surprising considering she is now throwing up after almost every meal and in a lot of pain. It didn't seem like she was getting better.

 

I think dad feels the same way I do. It couldn't continue like this. Either the drug needed to make her better, or not work...if it had just been stopping the progression, it wouldn't be enough. It's almost a relief. I know that's horrible to say. I wanted her to get better. But worse is okay too because there's an end. This middle part...has been hell. It's horrible. I don't recommend dying of cancer to anyone. Jay and I decided if either of us get diagnosed with low odds like that...we'll do a bucket list together and end it when it gets bad. I know, easier said than done...but a plan is kind of comforting.

 

I signed up for a support group. I'm taking dad....he said that he would have never thought to go on his own...I think it will be good for him. When he's there I can't really talk...but I think he needs it more than me. I worry about him...he's so different. He's never made time for me...like ever...and now...he calls me all the time. When I call him, he is excited to talk to me. We went for lunch, and he didn't talk on his cell phone- not even once! That's so not my dad. He put it on silent when someone called him. I don't know this version of my dad. It's nice. I wish he had always been like this. It's a bit unsettling though now at this point.

[Seraphim]

They say greater good comes out of tragedy. Maybe you and your dad will be closer.

[faraday]

Mom hasn't gotten out of bed at all for the last 2 days. She's in so much pain.

 

She wants dad to research more treatment options. Dad doesn't want to...he wants to make her as comfortable as possible and maybe have a few months with her while she's able to sit out on the patio (their favourite spot) and have some decent time together. He said he can't say that to her...it needs to come from her. I'm not sure why we aren't allowed to at least share different perspectives. I get that it's not our decision...but don't we get to say what we see from our side of this death march? We have to be witness to this. We have to provide care for her. We have to watch her pain and suffer with her. Especially my dad...this is so hard to watch.

 

It seems like she knows she's dying, but she doesn't accept it. She's rejecting that it's happening. Rejecting it means she's not taking enough of her pain meds because she thinks she's going to feel better...and she has tons of highs and lows....daily. She's really struggling.

 

Dad isn't going out much. We talked yesterday about how he doesn't want to leave- he wants to spend time with her because he knows there will be a day when he can't spend time with her anymore. He also recognizes he's not doing self care and that he needs to do things for himself. We agreed to go to lunch this week, and I'm going to spend two afternoons with mom this week.

 

June is a crazy month for shows, but July and August are quiet. I plan to spend more time with mom.

 

I've been thinking about my relationship with my mom. This is more for my next counselling session (I want to sort through all these feelings and I don't want to forget).

 

She was mostly unkind to me, but she did a few things that meant a lot to me when I was a kid. She made the best school lunches. Even back then I was a vegetarian, so she used to make these really good veggie sandwiches on croissants (and she always packed the tomato separate so my bread wouldn't get soggy) And she'd pack a hotdog (which confuses me now lol. She must have convinced me they weren't meat) in thermos of hot water so I could have a hot lunch sometimes. And she often stuck little notes in my lunch...I don't remember what they said. I remember kids being jealous of my lunches though. And she always went insane on Christmas presents when I was a kid. Like it was ridiculous how much we got.

 

She must have loved me somewhere in there. She tried to be a good mom...she just couldn't be the mom I needed. (Well, aside from the drinking and verbal/physical abuse that would be damaging to any child).

I don't know how much showing of love/kind acts can cancel out emotional abuse. The thing is, the acts that she did were public. If her lunches had been as unkind as her behaviour towards me, it would have triggered teachers to know about the neglect/abuse. If I was dirty, or had ill fitting clothing, it would have triggered something. But because I was always outwardly out together and well fed, no one could guess what went on behind the exterior of that. I wonder if her mom did it to her like that. I still don't understand how that works...I mean she went to great effort to make things look great on the exterior. I guess it makes me wonder if those gestures were gone out of kindness and love, or done to keep our secret? Was it real or part of a game? I don't know.

 

I was thinking about how our love languages effect all our relationships. Clementine is words of affirmation, and quality time. I am the same. Jay is physical touch and quality time. My dad is words of affirmation and quality time...and my mom is acts of service and gifts. And I think that's maybe why I never connected with her. We just didn't understand the way that each of us was expressing love. My dad, Tine and I are all the same. (Or if my dad isn't, he did a really good job of recognizing that those were the things I needed from him, and doing those things).

 

It's coming up now because I'm spending more and more time with her...laying in her bed next to her looking out the window. And it's a weird mix of emotions for me. I feel so bad for her. She's in so much pain, and from a human to human perspective, my heart bleeds for her. I feel really bad for my dad. That's actually the saddest part of all of this for me actually- I worry so much for my dad. But...I don't really feel sad about "her" dying. I'm sad about "my mom" dying...but more sad because she wasn't the mother I needed and I'm sad that I'll never get that kind of mom. Like my last chance is ending...but the thing is, she could never be that mom. I guess I'm grieving what could have been. I'm jealous of friends that have actual bonds/a connection with their mothers...I wanted that with my mom. She rejected me at every turn. Except now...now that she's dying. Now she wants a connection. But not a real one where we talk about real things. Where there's forgiveness and understanding...no. She wants me to love her. To miss her. Without dealing with all the times she was horrible to me. And I'm struggling to give that to her (in an authentic way...I can do it superficially but she seems to want more). I'm worried I'll regret not allowing her in...but I'm not letting her in because I'm trying to protect myself. Every time I've been open around her, she's taken that openness and said/done something to damage me...to intentionally hurt me. It's like she can't stop herself. And maybe that's her baggage from her crappy upbringing, idk. My self preservation instincts are in high gear...I'm not sure if I should override them. Honestly, I'm not sure if I want to override them. I'm barely able to hold myself together right now and I'm not emotional about her as a person.

 

My next counselling isn't for a week. I have grief counselling at the end of the month which I think will be really good.

[Seraphim]

It is really hard to have a sick /dying parent and have no real assurance of love. To have so many questions that need answers that you maybe never get. I am sorry.

[WithLove]

You sound like you know what you want to talk about when you go to grief counseling and such. I wish I had better words to offer some peace and comfort. I have no idea what you're going through, but I just wanted to put my love and friendship out there for you.