Starting Over....again.

[faraday]

Have you thought about telling your mother how you feel? I understand this isn't a good time for conflict and wouldn't blame you if you didn't.

And I also understand this won't likely change anything. But this was something I learned in therapy - Speaking up for yourself . . changes who you are.

 

You deserve to be heard and you deserve to say how this makes you feel.

What they do with that information remains to be seen.

 

And as a mother. . wouldn't you want to know if you daughter was feeling this way, even if it was hard to hear?

 

Happy Birthday Faraday. Enjoy your dinner with your hubby.

 

So awkwardly I did try. I sent her a message last night and I'm not sure if she got it or not as it went through as a text and not an iMessage...and then she responded as though she hadn't received it. (I would have called but yesterday and today I completely lost my voice).

 

]

 

They all went out for dinner without us because it wasn't really for me anyway. So. Happy birthday to me.

[faraday]

Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I am still brutal sick so today was spent in bed until 2 pm, and then on the couch. I'm about to go back to bed. Tomorrow will be better.

 

Good news. Jay got a temp job for a company he used to work for. He leaves on Monday for 3 weeks I have no idea how I'll set up for shows. During that time his parents will be here (but inconveniently not on my show weekends) so I'll be hosting them for 9 days without him But, hey, money. I've already contacted my housecleaner to see if she can come by before his parents come.

[notalady]

Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I am still brutal sick so today was spent in bed until 2 pm, and then on the couch. I'm about to go back to bed. Tomorrow will be better.

 

Good news. Jay got a temp job for a company he used to work for. He leaves on Monday for 3 weeks I have no idea how I'll set up for shows. During that time his parents will be here (but inconveniently not on my show weekends) so I'll be hosting them for 9 days without him But, hey, money. I've already contacted my housecleaner to see if she can come by before his parents come.

 

Yay for Jay finding a job even if temporary!!!! I got really excited reading that haha... even though it does mean you will be busier without him

[notalady]

So awkwardly I did try. I sent her a message last night and I'm not sure if she got it or not as it went through as a text and not an iMessage...and then she responded as though she hadn't received it. (I would have called but yesterday and today I completely lost my voice).

 

]

 

They all went out for dinner without us because it wasn't really for me anyway. So. Happy birthday to me.

 

Wow.. I don't know what to say... that's just awful. Can't believe she didn't even acknowledge what you said

[sophie274]

Happy belated birthday Faraday! I'm so sorry that your mother is treating you like this, and so glad that you have Jay by your side. Did you manage to make it out to dinner? Here's to many more, happier and healthier birthday with lots of people celebrating how special you are.

 

Congrats to Jay on his temp job! That's fantastic news. Do you have any friends who could help you set up?

[Seraphim]

Yay for the job!!!!

 

I am sorry your mom can't validate your feelings . Some people have no effin clue and it's crappy when it's your parent.

[faraday]

Jay and I are not excited about this job in the sense that it's 100% field work...and because the company is based out of bc, they can sent him away for 6 weeks at a time (here in Alberta it's capped at a little over 3 weeks). And it sounds like they have a few jobs lined up for him- which is awesome...and the pay is great...but it looks like he'll be gone the entire summer. Jay is pretty bummed...it sucks- Summer is the best part, you know? He'll be back to 16 hour days for 50 days straight (no days off). One of the places he'll be staying in is closer to home (like a 9 hour drive west and not north) so Tine and I might surprised him and come visit him for a few days. One of the other trips they have planned is up in Alaska...won't be able to visit him there. But I'm jealous that he gets to go up there. Hopefully he'll take better photos now that he knows that translates into a good painting.

 

Not much time for art though now this summer...but he won't be able to make me canvases anyway, so maybe that works out lol.

 

I'm going to miss him. He has been home with me pretty much every single day now for a year straight, and I've really learned to rely on him. He's really stepped up and figured out how to be an awesome husband. It was super hard in the beginning...but I feel like we've really come to a good place in our relationship. Most people don't get to spend that much time with their spouse until they're retired. It's been a huge learning curve for us...it was really hard...but it's been good. We've both learned a lot about each other. We both still really like each other, and respect one another. We have each other's backs. I feel more secure about my relationship with him than I've ever felt with anyone. He's my people.

 

 

As for mom...yeah...I have no idea how to go forward. Idk if she received that text or not. Green means it might not have been delivered...so I'm not sure what to think. Last night dad said "just send jay and Tine for dinner with us- you're sick anyway." Ummm...no. We didn't make it out for dinner last night. I was too sick. We did take out and it was fine. I'm feeling a bit better today. Like...I'm dressed! Yay. For the first time in almost a week. I'm going to get some tiding up done...and I want to book jay in for a massage before he leaves.

[reinventmyself]

 

 

As for mom...yeah...I have no idea how to go forward. Idk if she received that text or not. Green means it might not have been delivered...so I'm not sure what to think. Last night dad said "just send jay and Tine for dinner with us- you're sick anyway." Ummm...no. We didn't make it out for dinner last night. I was too sick. We did take out and it was fine. .

 

I'm sorry that didn't go the way you hoped it would.

I often think at times like this, it just plants a seed. Step back and see if something grows out of it.

Glad you are feeling better and things are looking up for Jay.

[faraday]

I'm sorry that didn't go the way you hoped it would.

I often think at times like this, it just plants a seed. Step back and see if something grows out of it.

Glad you are feeling better and things are looking up for Jay.

 

I ended up flat out asking her if she got the message.

 

 

She said she did.

 

So she chose not to respond to it.

 

I think I'm done. These people clearly don't love me.

[faraday]

So Jays job has evolved. It's now a 2 month contract. He'll be gone for all but 6 days in the next two months. They've also told him about another job that will be 5 weeks long after this one ends.

 

It's going to be tough without him. It's pretty much the entire summer. But on that 2 month contract, he'll make $17,000 (before taxes) compared to the $4,000 he would get on EI...so it's totally worth it...he's just not going to have any life. He seems kinda bummed. I wish he could find a job here

[faraday]

Ugh, I feel really bummed out about this thing with my mom. It sucks. It just really sucks. I don't want to feel this way...but I just really feel let down.

 

And it's not even about that my birthday wasn't about me.

 

It's that my mom planned my brothers party for weeks and made me run a bunch of errands for it.

 

It's that...it's always been unfair in this way...and this was her last time to make it up to me. She will most likely be dead by my next birthday.

 

I have very little compassion left for her. I feel disappointed in myself in that I've wasted so much of my time and energy on her...she didn't care about me as a child and she doesn't now. She gave me life, but then f-ed with me for the majority of the time I've spent with her.

 

I need to think about how to let this go...how to walk away. I worry I'll regret it. I just don't know how to deal with this. Two years ago I was ready to walk away from her...but right as I was coming to the conclusion that my life was better without her- she was diagnosed with cancer. So I felt like a jerk walking away. But I gave it an honest go. I've given her everything I've had for the last year and a half. And she still doesn't love me. I feel like this is enough permission to walk away. I still feel like a jerk.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm sorry for your situation. From everything you have said I agree it seems like she doesn't love you or care about you in any real way. It's really unfathomable.

[Seraphim]

You gave it a go . You truly did. Nothing more you can do. Let your parents deal with it .

[notalady]

I agree with everyone. You did everything you can, you took on a lot of responsibility for her and was under so much pressure, and she still doesn't care. While unfathomable, I think that would be enough for me to walk away.

[reinventmyself]

I agree with everyone. You did everything you can, you took on a lot of responsibility for her and was under so much pressure, and she still doesn't care. While unfathomable, I think that would be enough for me to walk away.

I agree. It's just not equitable and oh-so-very hurtful.

I would distance myself and see if she makes an attempt to meet you half way.

Her illness is not an excuse for callousness.

[faraday]

She hasn't responded since she said that she did receive my message. I don't know if she feels guilty on being called out or doesn't care. I mean, it's possible she didn't realize she wasn't being fair...but she'd say that when I told her I was hurt, right? She's apologize or something if she felt bad? I'm just in shock. Like...now what? If she wants to see Tine, do I arrange it?

 

I'm sure my dad has no idea this exchange happened...and I already know if I told him, he'd yell at me. Did you know that there is no such thing as actually being a victim? Ever. No matter what. "The blacks, the gays, the orientals, the women, the Mexicans...all whiners." He says some people are more sensitive. They need to "man up". I already know the lecture I'll get...which makes me want to avoid him. I don't want to hear about what a crappy daughter I am for not being grateful for being invited to a last minute dinner "for my birthday" that was being held for out of town relatives and so mom could take my brothers new gf out. He'd call me ungrateful. Maybe I am. Idk.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think anything fruitful would come out of telling him about the exchange. You would be using the "micro" example to make a "macro" larger point. And it seems he would focus on debunking the example.

 

Does Jay's temp job impact his unemployment insurance payments?

[faraday]

I don't think anything fruitful would come out of telling him about the exchange. You would be using the "micro" example to make a "macro" larger point. And it seems he would focus on debunking the example.

 

Does Jay's temp job impact his unemployment insurance payments?

 

I just think it will come up. He'll at some point probably wonder why I am suddenly not coming over when I've spent a year and a half at her beck and call. When he asks, I'm not sure how to answer. Telling him will put him on the defensive. Not telling him will make me look like a crappy daughter- abandoning her in her final days. It's awkward.

 

Jays job will put his unemployment on hold. Because it's not a full time hire, it just basically pauses things so he won't get payments while he's receiving a paycheque, but when his paycheques stop, unemployment will just pick back up where it left off. Which is nice, it will bump up our savings again, which will hopefully tide us over until a full time position ends up happening.

[Seraphim]

If nothing will ever come of conversations with them why bother? Seriously, I had to come to that conclusion with my dad. I talk to him 3 times a year. He becomes a jerk face I hang up. I have seen my dad once in a year and a half and it was

For 15 mins. Because he is mentally ill and on dyalisis is no reason to treat me like crap.

[Fudgie]

Keep in mind that no matter what you do, you will be seen as the "crappy daughter" in their eyes if you back off. Working with my therapist, I have learned about family relationships and the "roles" that we fall into and play. It can be really insidious. If you fail to fulfill that role (which you don't have to fulfill, btw), yes, people will not respond well. Some family members are worse than others at this. Sometimes you can transition to other things, sometimes they want you to stay stuck where you are.

 

If you're looking for reassurance that you are indeed not a horrible person, well, you have my full support. Self preservation in the face of someone who is hurting you and using you is not a bad thing. Just because she is dying doesn't give her an excuse to mistreat you. In our society, we tend to put the dying on the a pedestal at times and it causes a lot of guilt. My grandma reminded my mother for 30 YEARS of her impending death (she died when she was in her 90s of old f__in age, no illness) as a way to get my mom to do stuff for her. If that isn't guilt tripping, I don't know what is.

 

Be strong.

[itsallgrand]

It's possible your mom and dad do love you but this is about their limits personally as people/ parents. It really does sound like you have consistently been treated very differently than your brother - with him being coddled, and you expected to be ...well the word I used for how I sometimes felt with my mom 'the tool'. 'The tool' is reliable, taken for granted, used as needed.

It doesn't speak at all to your loveability, it's about them and what they have in them to give and their coping with life. The coddling of your brother is the other side of the coin, not about being loving, but it serves a need for her too. I wonder how your brother feels about his relationship with them, as you've described him here as being emotionally and otherwise unavailable and unreliable. Her jumping through hoops for him doesn't sound the healthiest either .

 

I know it's really hard when it's your mom. It just is , because even as adults, it's just so hard to wrap your mind around how a mom could be that way... Especially since you have such strong empathy for your own child.

 

Boundaries are good. It doesn't make you a bad person. You aren't a jerk face. You are a emotionally intelligent, and have probably surpassed your mom on that front. It does mean the brunt of navigating this is on you , but you can do it!

 

My biggest lesson with mom was to focus on my self care, that it isn't selfish, it's making me stronger as a person, and allowing me not to fall into the traps she did. I learned about learning not to do things I'd resent or in hopes shed change .

 

It's perfectly reasonable to not stick around for emotional beatings or callousness. I cut off two family members when mom was sick, and I knew I wouldn't regret it at all, as I am done with non reciprocal relationships in my life. That's my boundary.

 

Hugs . Have a birthday WEEK!

[Seraphim]

Absolutely some parents have little to no capacity to parent and no amount of our banging our head on the wall will ever change their capacity. That is THEIR malfunction.

[journeynow]

I don't know if she feels guilty on being called out or doesn't care. I mean, it's possible she didn't realize she wasn't being fair

 

I suspect she doesn't think she was called out. She doesn't understood your hurt, or see her part. She called you Kiddo, and that was her way of comforting you and feeling nice in the process. My guess, anyway. I don't understand your mom or the dynamics, but it certainly sounds like an ongoing imbalance that developed early, and is seen as normal by everyone else in your family. Your mom can plan for your brother's birthday BECAUSE of you, you are at her beck and call. But your brother is not at her beck and call, and sounds like he never has been, so she can't plan for you and so maybe it doesn't occur to her that you are the brunt of the imbalance.

 

I think this is a difficult thing, a difficult time, and I'm not sure how I would handle it in your shoes. I don't know that I would confront her, but if it comes up, I might say something. Like if she asks you to dote on your brother on her behalf, I might say "No, I'm not up for that" and leave it at that. If she wants to dote on him, that's on her, but you don't have to be pulled in.

[faraday]

I suspect she doesn't think she was called out. She doesn't understood your hurt, or see her part. She called you Kiddo, and that was her way of comforting you and feeling nice in the process. My guess, anyway. I don't understand your mom or the dynamics, but it certainly sounds like an ongoing imbalance that developed early, and is seen as normal by everyone else in your family. Your mom can plan for your brother's birthday BECAUSE of you, you are at her beck and call. But your brother is not at her beck and call, and sounds like he never has been, so she can't plan for you and so maybe it doesn't occur to her that you are the brunt of the imbalance.

 

I think this is a difficult thing, a difficult time, and I'm not sure how I would handle it in your shoes. I don't know that I would confront her, but if it comes up, I might say something. Like if she asks you to dote on your brother on her behalf, I might say "No, I'm not up for that" and leave it at that. If she wants to dote on him, that's on her, but you don't have to be pulled in.

 

This post made me the most uncomfortable...probably because it has the most truth in it. I don't think she has any idea how much she hurt me...she didn't get anything out of me sharing my feelings with her other than "faraday is upset, leave her alone." I still haven't heard from her.

 

I don't like to think of myself as at her beck and call. It totally is that. But I raised to do that without question. Your post has been painful to read...in a good way. I think you hit the nail on the head. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this insight yet...but I'll figure something out.

[Seraphim]

Hugs.

It is hard to break out of that beck and call.