Starting Over....again.

[faraday]

How is your mom feeling today? Are the doctors working hard so she can be comfortable? Throwing up out of pain doesn't sound good. I hope they can suggest some options so she feels better.

 

She's not doing great today...or yesterday. Her lung is really full of mucus, so she's been on a medical humidifier for the last few days trying to loosen it up. Every breath hurts her...and she can't really get comfortable anymore.

 

They put her on the oxy patch...and she's allowed to supplement with additional pills when needed. The pharmacist gave my dad a kit in case she ODs

[sophie274]

Is it oxy or fentanyl? I haven't seen much about oxy patches, but we sell the fentanyl at my pharmacy. It's serious stuff so it's good you have the naloxone just in case. Of course all toes and fingers crossed that you never ever need to use it.

 

I hope she finds some comfort soon. I can't imagine what it's like to be in that sort of pain. I'm really sorry.

[WithLove]

I have been trying to get her to read them with me for years...I finally just got her to watch the first movie last week for the first time...and she's obsessed! We finished movie 6 last night.

 

I think that now that she's seen the movies, she'll be more inclined to read the books. I hope so anyway Jay and I have three full sets between us...we're Potterheads

 

Maybe I'll start out by reading out loud to her like you had growing up...thats a good plan

 

I did first get into Harry Potter when a teacher was reading the first book out loud to the class, and I checked it out from the library to follow along. Soon I found myself reading ahead. Maybe Tine can do that with one of your multiple copies.

[faraday]

Is it oxy or fentanyl? I haven't seen much about oxy patches, but we sell the fentanyl at my pharmacy. It's serious stuff so it's good you have the naloxone just in case. Of course all toes and fingers crossed that you never ever need to use it.

 

I hope she finds some comfort soon. I can't imagine what it's like to be in that sort of pain. I'm really sorry.

 

Oxy. It is very serious stuff. Dad jokes,

"Well, do you want me to save you, or do you just want to go out in oxy bliss?" It's poor taste, but I think he sees the futility in the overdose kit. Most likely she will go out in an overdose...but no one talks about that.

 

It's kind of funny actually, my mom is very concerned about becoming addicted, and is always really worried about what the doctor will think. I don't say anything, but it takes everything in me not to laugh. At this point, the doctor is not worried about her becoming a drug addict- he just wants her to be comfortable. But I mean, it's good that she's hopeful about coming out of the other side of the cancer...but...pretty much impossible at this point. She's funny.

[faraday]

When your mom wants to find these black slouchy knee high frilly boots for your daughter (in the wrong season) so you go into 15 kids stores...and finally find them...and they're $200...and she'll grow out of them in 6 months...and you mom starts crying in the middle of the store and says it doesn't matter how much they are because she's not going to see Tine grow up...I kept it together. I got her home. And I loudly sobbed the entire drive home. I was stuck in rush hour traffic and I'm sure people wondered what was wrong with me. I'm sitting in the driveway. The 4 kleenexes in my purses are soaked...my make up is everywhere...I have to go in there...and my girl is there and she gets so sad.

 

Mom told me she thought she was going to die last night, she was in so much pain. She was maxed out on pain killers and she had hot flashes and chills and felt like she was going to throw up...I wish there was something I could do. I feel so bad for my dad too. That must have been so hard on him.

[journeynow]

Aww, I don't know what to say, but my heart swells for your mom, and for you. About the boots…I have vivd memories of the 2 new dresses my grandmother bought specially for me from Marshall Fields. I probably grew out of them within six months, but in my memory they are always so new and all mine. Most of my clothes were hand-me-downs or made by my mother, which was fine, but these were special and still are, a million years later. ;-)

[faraday]

Thanks Journey

[faraday]

So I feel really weird about something.

 

When mom was diagnosed terminal, she said she wanted "all of us" (dad, her, Tine, my brother and I) to all go up for a helicopter ride together. We all thought it was a great idea- none of us have been in one.

 

Today she asked me what Tine was up to on Saturday, and asked if she could steal her for the day... I said, "of course". It turns out she's taking Tine on the helicopter. Just Tine. I feel a bit weird about it. I guess because it was like that growing up, except she always wanted to do everything with my brother.

 

It's not a money thing. She didn't ask me if I had plans. She wants to do that with Tine and my dad...and not me. It didn't occur to her that I would like to share that experience with Tine...see Tines face etc. I'm not sure what to make of it.

[faraday]

Like I feel stupid for feeling like this, but I feel like she has continually rejected me. It just sucks. Even when she's dying she rejects me

[Seraphim]

I am sorry love.

[mines]

Dear Faraday, I feel so bad for all you've been going through I feel bad for your poor mom, and your dad, and Tine.....it's such a difficult time.

 

I was just reading to get caught up on the past couple of days and couldn't stop crying

 

I'm really happy your mom is eating some food she loves, and getting some sort of pleasure. Awww. Maybe she just doesn't physically feel up to the garden, despite her pleasure in it. Just a thought.

 

Re the helicopter. Is it possible she is worried about finances for your dad who will be left behind? And she has spent a lot, recently? (forgive me, you may have mentioned their financial situation prior, I just don't remember). It could also be that she wants to leave Tine with a very special memory with her grandmother.....grandparents while they are still together - again just a thought.

 

I will never forget, one of my dad's last days, nice and sunny, we were in the backyard. My youngest daughter, then 18 months, was "collecting" rocks from their landscaping, and putting them in a tiny bucket. Dad was in a lawn chair, and I asked him "Dad, can I get you anything? Would you like to go inside and watch the game?" And he said "I just want to sit here and watch my granddaughter." Just broke my heart. He just wanted to take her in; he knew he'd never see her grow up.

 

Wish I could help you, but it's not possible. Lean on your support network. Hang in there. I care, we all care. ((hugs))

[WithLove]

I do rather think that she's treating Tine the way she maybe wishes she had treated you.

 

I am sorry. I'm sending love your way.

[faraday]

Dear Faraday, I feel so bad for all you've been going through I feel bad for your poor mom, and your dad, and Tine.....it's such a difficult time.

 

I was just reading to get caught up on the past couple of days and couldn't stop crying

 

I'm really happy your mom is eating some food she loves, and getting some sort of pleasure. Awww. Maybe she just doesn't physically feel up to the garden, despite her pleasure in it. Just a thought.

 

Re the helicopter. Is it possible she is worried about finances for your dad who will be left behind? And she has spent a lot, recently? (forgive me, you may have mentioned their financial situation prior, I just don't remember). It could also be that she wants to leave Tine with a very special memory with her grandmother.....grandparents while they are still together - again just a thought.

 

I will never forget, one of my dad's last days, nice and sunny, we were in the backyard. My youngest daughter, then 18 months, was "collecting" rocks from their landscaping, and putting them in a tiny bucket. Dad was in a lawn chair, and I asked him "Dad, can I get you anything? Would you like to go inside and watch the game?" And he said "I just want to sit here and watch my granddaughter." Just broke my heart. He just wanted to take her in; he knew he'd never see her grow up

 

Wish I could help you, but it's not possible. Lean on your support network. Hang in there. I care, we all care. ((hugs))

 

They aren't worried about money at all. They are very well set up- dad can live quite well off interest/pensions/and rental property income for decades...and it will just keep growing.

 

Thank you for sharing your rock story. That's a nice way for your dad to have left things, it sounds like an ordinary day became quite special I know my mom values the same things

 

I think it's frustrating for me because...the only time my mom has ever wanted to spend time with me was when she's been really sick (like during chemo) or when I can help her do something for my brother or Tine. She doesn't do nice things for me (and I don't expect her too), but it's kind of...idk, dejecting when she does things for my brother. I mean, he's making really good money- things are going really good for him. For us? Not so much. So I guess it stings a bit when she asks me to take her to the store and then she buys him groceries, and then I have to drive her over to his house so she can put them away for him. Like..really?

 

And why wouldn't she want to go in the helicopter with me and Tine? I'm her daughter. It just feels like every other time she's rejected me all through growing up...and I had kind of hoped we were past that. I guess I'm just good for running errands, and entertainment for when she's sick.

 

I know, get over it. I'm an adult...suck it up. It still stings though

[Seraphim]

I would just look at it as she's not capable . Maybe she's not capable of parenting a daughter ? Grandchildren are easy you're not responsible for them . Ultimately they have parents. It's different being a grandparent than being a parent . Maybe ultimately she's not able to be a parent to her daughter .

[faraday]

I would just look at it as she's not capable . Maybe she's not capable of parenting a daughter ? Grandchildren are easy you're not responsible for them . Ultimately they have parents. It's different being a grandparent than being a parent . Maybe ultimately she's not able to be a parent to her daughter .

 

But she can parent her son. It just makes me feel angry.

 

I'm sad that she's dying...but at least she won't be able unintentionally hurt me anymore.

[faraday]

And it's not really parenting. It's just being kind. How hard is it not to be an aszhole? Apparently, harder than it looks

[Seraphim]

And it's not really parenting. It's just being kind. How hard is it not to be an aszhole? Apparently, harder than it looks

 

Did she have a hard time with her mother growing up ?

[itsallgrand]

I'm so sorry faraday. I relate to your feelings so much. I just want to give you big hugs.

You are a wonderful daughter.

[reinventmyself]

I stare at the screen and I can't find the right words. I try to put myself in your shoes and hurts too much to imagine.

Sending some strength your way >

[faraday]

Thank you. I've read through both of your responses a few times and they are helping to make me feel more at peace. It helps knowing other people don't think it's not right either....I don't know why it makes a difference but it does.

 

 

I'm really struggling with what to say when people ask "how are you?" I know "sh*tty, but thanks for asking." isn't the response they're looking for but "fine" is so fake feeling.

 

I feel really down again. I was doing so good. I just want to feel...I don't even need to feel happy....just to not feel oppressively sad for longer than a week straight would be great.

 

 

I found out the drug plans I was looking at don't cover my ADHD meds. So I won't be getting a drug plan. Which means no antidepressants.

 

This morning my dad said, "I hate saying this but I just wish it was all over. I want my life back." And I know what he means

[journeynow]

I stare at the screen and I can't find the right words. I try to put myself in your shoes and hurts too much to imagine.

Sending some strength your way >

 

I agree. It hurts that your mother overlooks you. The only thing I can think is that maybe she identifies you with her, which doesn't make sense, but could explain perhaps.

 

I want to send you more hugs, too.

[faraday]

Thanks for all the hugs

 

I went to a friends house for coffee yesterday...I haven't seen her in a year. She used to be my best friend until she met her husband 3.5 years ago...I've seen her 5 times since then. Anyway, she had a baby 10 months ago. He was born prematurely...they've had a rough go. So both of us haven't really made any effort to talk because both of us have been dealing with so much. So I asked her if we could hang out...and she picked a day and time and I went there...and it was chaos. Her sister was staying with her, and her very hyper 3 year old niece...and between them and the baby, it was a really crappy visit. I went grocery shopping after and I looked at people and no one made eye contact. I'm sure no one normally does, but I noticed yesterday because I felt really alone.

 

And I got home and Jay hadn't done the things on his list that he needed to get done...and i was so bummed out because he'd be busy all afternoon and I just really needed to not feel alone with him. Anyway, he was mad that I was upset, so he left to run his errands...and I sent him a text saying how alone I felt, that I went to my friends house and felt more alone after...and that I was just really sad.

 

I sent it to my friend by mistake. Oops. Anyway, she sent me a really nice message apologizing for the crappy visit, and saying that she's had a rough year too and would like to hang out more. So maybe that will help.

 

Idk. It's weird. I make soup for people when they're sick. I shovel the walks of 5 of my neighbours. I've cleaned friends homes when they've hit a rough patch...I've organized meal drop offs when one of my friends fiancé died (I collected money from friends and had meals dropped off for a week for her family). I have been told repeatedly that I'm a great friend and a really good listener...but now that I need support...everyone has disappeared. And it's not like I talk about needing it. But you'd think people might guess that if someone's parent is dying, they might need a friend. Idk. I guess people are busy with their lives.

 

I met up with a different friend last night and was talking about that, and she said that it would never occur to her to make soup for people or help them run errands. So maybe people just don't think about it. But why don't they even call?

 

Jay said "were you the one that always initiated? Maybe because you are busy, nothing gets set up now". But I've never initiated with friends. Most of the the time, friends have decided to be friends with me and set everything up. I've always felt bad lol but I just don't think about calling. Except I have been lately...and people aren't reciprocating. Maybe I'm just not fun anymore. I try to be fun. I still laugh. It's not like I'm sad around people. Maybe a bit more distracted. Idk.

 

Sorry for the long post...I didn't sleep again last night and I feel muddled

[itsallgrand]

That's ok, you write all you want! Sometimes it helps.

It's strange who comes out of the woodwork to help when you need it, and then some others it's like 'hmm, where did they go?! Oh ok.'. I never forget those who are there when it really counts. And those who disappeared, I scaled back my investment in them. Still can be friendly, but a few I dropped out of my core. I won't worry anymore when they hit me up for their major life events.

 

Thinking of you.

[journeynow]

Yes, talk here as much as you need or feel.

 

I wish I could drop by some soup, or have you here for coffee and chat. I'm sorry things fell flat at your friend's.

 

It's ok to ask for what you need. It may take awhile for some folks to switch gears or understand what you are asking.

 

... I have been told repeatedly that I'm a great friend and a really good listener...but now that I need support...everyone has disappeared. And it's not like I talk about needing it. But you'd think people might guess that if someone's parent is dying, they might need a friend. Idk. I guess people are busy with their lives.

 

Yes, people get overwhelmed with their lives, or feel they can't decide for others what is needed. I hear what you are saying, though. People might have a clue what you need based on how you've treated them, but they also might see you as so very capable as to not need much in that way.

 

When my mother was dying, or my father, it weighed heavy on me, and in some ways it added to the weight if others assumed things about my experience or expressed how difficult it must be. Understanding from those closest to me was important (siblings, spouse--when I was married, but he actually did not understand, which made me feel alone), and from others I needed a chance to do something normal, like take a walk together or something to take me away from my concerns.

 

I don't want to discount what you are feeling, though. I do think it is ok to ask, maybe reach out to someone other than Jay to say, a group of friends perhaps, and say "Hey, I'm having a difficult time, can anyone help me with ________ or __________ this week?" Sometimes it's the one's you don't expect who come out of the woodwork in times of trouble. You don't have to keep up a happy facade; it might confuse friends, but it is up to you.

 

Anticipatory grief is real. Can you call your local Hospice about their grief support services? We have them in my community, and they are for what you are going through.

[Batya33]

I'm really sorry you are feeling this way about your friends. I don't have much more to add and I'm glad Itsallgrand wrote what she did. I can relate, and I am sorry.