Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal

[bluecastle]

I'd say the writing is on the wall here, and has been for some time with her. She's cool, sexy, warm, down to hike and veg over David Simon's first foray into TV—things you like. She's also a bit fragile and unhinged—things I also think you like, even if they get painted with a cynical brushstroke here.

 

Rather than think of the day drinking and crying-during-sex stuff as "concerning," I'd ask a simpler question: Do you find it attractive and compelling, or unattractive and repelling? Then you get to own your role in the dynamic and the "piece of work" that is you, be it continuing to explore or backing away.

[Batya33]

I don't think fragile and unhinged -if that is the issue - should trigger cynicism - but it might trigger "she might not be a good match". I have no idea what her mental state is and it's not ND's job to figure that out either - but her actions in drinking are odd and of concern IMO.

[NorthDallas40]

NEELA came over last night, I made dinner, she insisted on smoking weed (even though she'd sworn off it last time because it made her mind race), she stayed over, we had sex three times total, no insomnia issues this time, she was really sweet and affectionate as usual (she's very into cuddling and kissing and sleeping close together, which works for me), she left with several kisses this morning, and she's coming to my band's show on Friday. No drama, no weirdness.

 

At this juncture, I'm not sure if we're "long term," but having a smart, affectionate, pretty woman with me on a regular basis is great, even if we don't have much in common, interests-wise.

 

If things fizzle out, it won't be any different than any other woman I've dated, really.

[abitbroken]

“no panties during sex”

 

Speaking as a woman, It can give an uncomfortable wedgie. No bueno. People can speculate about "past lover issues". But that is the long and short of it. Ouch

[NorthDallas40]

“no panties during sex”

 

Speaking as a woman, It can give an uncomfortable wedgie. No bueno. People can speculate about "past lover issues". But that is the long and short of it. Ouch

 

I assume you don't cry emotionally about it, though.

 

---------------

 

NEELA came to my band’s show this past Friday. She had clearly been drinking beforehand, and was a little loud but overall friendly and talkative to my bandmates. Not sure she liked my band though!

 

She stayed over that night, and on Saturday morning I’m pretty sure she was nipping sips of wine in the kitchen before we finally got out of bed around 11am. We stayed in that day, and she continued drinking until we went to bed around midnight, about 5 beers and 4 glasses of wine total. I had no intoxicants until dinner at 8pm, and then I just smoked a bowl, had a glass of wine, and behaved normally.

 

But by the end of the night she was bobbing & weaving, slurring, and getting kind of annoying, doing things like refusing to move from the center of the bed so I could lay down, gleefully exclaiming “No!” like a 5-yo every time I tried to move her.

 

That said, she got the message that I wasn’t happy about that, calmed down, and we had sex 3-4 times throughout the day/night.

 

But after dinner she did ask if I’d ever been in love, or had my heart broken. I said yes to both, she said that was sweet, and revealed that neither had happened to her. Telling.

 

She also said she'd "overstayed my welcome” a couple of times since this was the first instance she’d stayed over for more than 24 hours, but I waved that off because I didn’t feel that way.

 

As we were in bed going to sleep that night, she was mumbling things like “I don’t think you like me”, “could we be friends if we weren’t seeing each other?” (I said no), and “the sex with you is so good, that’s what I’ll miss.” I ignored that last comment by pretending to be asleep.

 

The next morning she was very pleasant, offering to buy us lunch before I dropped her off. I declined because I had other plans, but when I got back home I saw that she had deliberately left her hiking shoes in my room.

 

We texted on Mon/Tue and I invited her to come over tonight for dinner. She accepted and asked what she should bring.

 

Concerned about the fact that I’m not sure I’ve ever seen her sober, as she usually drinks before we meet, this morning I texted “Mexican beer and/or margarita fixin's. I only request that you refrain from alcohol today until you come over; I’d like to share your first drink of the day (hug emoji)”

 

After this Saturday, I feel like a discussion about her alcohol consumption is in order. Whether it’s a rational request or not, I don’t want her to get buzzed before we meet, and I want her to wait until at least 1pm before drinking on the weekends when we hang out.

 

Her reaction will likely decide the tone of our future interactions.

[Batya33]

Since you don't know her very well I'd be very careful about having sex with her when she is drunk lest she protest at some point that it was not consensual. I know 100% from all you've written that you would never hurt her or anyone intentionally - not saying or implying that in the least (!) - I'm just saying she seems unstable so from her perspective who needs any of that kind of drama.

[NorthDallas40]

Since you don't know her very well I'd be very careful about having sex with her when she is drunk lest she protest at some point that it was not consensual.

 

I'm not worried about that. At this point, she's is ALWAYS the one initiating. I never have to, basically because she's so h*rny. I even have to beg off from time to time.

[bluecastle]

Bold move: making plans to go drinking, with someone you think has a problem drinking, while predicating those drinking plans on addressing your problem with what you see as her drinking problem. Did I get that right? Curious to hear how she reacts to all that, and how her reaction sits with you.

 

Two times now she's offered up some vague, premonitory whispers at bedtime. Would you want to see her again if she simply said "I am unstable and rarely sober"? I ask that earnestly, because it's very hard not to see that as the subtext here, at least from your portrait.

 

Good sex is good sex, I do get that. And sex with a powder keg can have a certain juju. But powder kegs do go off, the match is often intimacy, and condoms aren't quite the same as flack jackets, at least in my experience.

[abitbroken]

Bold move: making plans to go drinking, with someone you think has a problem drinking, while predicating those drinking plans on addressing your problem with what you see as her drinking problem. Did I get that right? Curious to hear how she reacts to all that, and how her reaction sits with you.

 

 

I read it as a test to see if she can actually arrive sober. The "first drink" is just the carrot

[NorthDallas40]

Would you want to see her again if she simply said "I am unstable and rarely sober"?

 

Isn't that basically what's she's said already?

 

I read it as a test to see if she can actually arrive sober. The "first drink" is just the carrot

 

Exactly.

 

In any case, her response was what you'd expect from an alcoholic who doesn't want to blow an opportunity to get laid:

 

"Ok we are going to have to drink a lot of margaritas. You won't believe the size of the bottle."

[abitbroken]

I think its safe to say her true colors have come out. I like to think people put their best foot forward for a little while after any awkwardness or nervousness in the first few dates goes away before someone lets her hair down, and if this is her best foot forward....i would be a little apprehensive when she lets her hair down.

[sophie274]

I think you already have more than enough information regarding her alcohol use without discussing it with her. What could she possibly say that would change your mind about her use of alcohol being problematic?

 

I wouldn’t bother asking her to abide by any “rules” or requests regarding how she consumes alcohol with you or around you - I think if you’re at that point while only casually seeing each other, this will continue to be an issue. I’m not usually one for writing people off, but she has a pattern of substance use that’s clearly unhealthy and incompatible with your views/expectations. I think that’s certainly going to be the nail in the coffin for this relationship, whether now or down the road ... from my perspective, why waste your time trying to change her when you must know it won’t be successful ? I don’t mean for that to sound harsh, but it’s just extraordinarily unlikely that she will go from drinking all day, am and pm, to becoming a moderate drinker just because you ask her to. She surely knows her drinking is excessive.

[NorthDallas40]

NEELA came over this past Wednesday, cheerful and seemed sober. She did, however, bring a HUGE bottle of tequila and two big bottles of margarita mix. However, she didn’t pick the sizes; her coworkers got them for her. As it turned out, she didn’t like the taste of the finished product, and only drank about 1.5 glasses, so she only got mildly buzzed.

 

In any case, we talked while I finished making dinner, chatted while eating dinner at the table (no TV this time, a first), then we took a 45-minute walk around my neighborhood. She was goofy at times, but it was a pleasant evening overall.

 

We went to bed around 11:30pm, she initially seemed reluctant to have sex so I backed off, but she eventually initiated about 15 minutes later, then again in the morning (making her late for work; her choice). She didn’t sleep very well, though, tossing & turning, huffing & puffing all night. She gave me a very sweet kiss in the morning and seemed reluctant to leave.

 

Last night she texted to say she “already misses” me, and to ask what time my band plays next week. I invited her over for tonight.

[bluecastle]

Well, this is all promising, assuming you want to be in a relationship with Neela. Because that's what this is.

[Batya33]

I don't believe for a second her coworkers got that for her -do you? And if so where does she work -is it really possible someone who is a day drinker isn't known as a drinker by her coworkers? Guess so but seems unlikely and if so why would they buy her alcohol like that?

 

I don't think you have to be concerned about labels. She's coming to your place to drink, hang, have sex. She's getting attached to you and her choice to be buzzed/drunk probably makes her feel more attached. It doesn't mean it's a relationship at all in the sense of a romantic relationship, with a commitment, etc.

[NorthDallas40]

NEELA came over this past Friday night and immediately started drinking the tequila she had left there. We ended up eating at the table and talking, then went to bed around 11:30 or so. She initiated some groping & mutual masturbation, but told me to stop after about 5 minutes.

 

At first I thought I had done something wrong, but it turned out she had too much tequila and, through very slurring speech, told me thought she was going to throw up. So for several hours we tried to doze off, but she’d want water, need to sit up, check how she was feeling, lay back down, then repeat. I got a bucket out, but she never did actually throw up.

 

Sometime early in the morning she felt okay enough to initiate sex, but I was trying to sleep and wasn’t really prepared for it given the previous few hours, so I just played opossum until she gave up.

 

In the morning she had to go to a laser facial appointment, but she returned around 12:30pm for lunch and a short hike. I told her that she’d drunk too much the night before and was being really annoying, she apologized profusely and good-naturedly, and said she wasn’t going to drink tequila anymore

 

She didn’t drink the rest of of the day, and we had a nice 90 minute hike (wherein she proclaimed that I was “the best!” several times), followed by dinner at a Thai restaurant I suggested and that she liked a lot, got home, watched COP LAND and a couple of 30-minute food documentaries (her choice) then went to bed. She left the next morning after we had sex.

 

So Friday night kinda sucked but Saturday made up for it.

 

She came over again last night, bringing some tasty “maafe” (Sengalese stew) she had made, with rice and some stir-fried cabbage; really good meal! She also brought over a 4-pack of ginger beer for me since I had mentioned liking it a few weeks ago, which was very sweet.

 

She had had at least one beer beforehand, and she drank a few glasses of wine that evening along with a puff of marijuana, but she was fun and not annoying or out of it. We had dinner at the table and chatted, then watched the first half of NEVER LET ME GO because she mentioned liking the book. We had sex that night, then again this morning.

 

The best part about last night, though, was that I had some minor ex-friend drama to vent about and she was a great listener, and she expressed interest in some of the music and movie trivia I brought up, even making it clear that she understood why I collected so many blu-rays.

 

She also admitted she’d tried many years ago to take up several different hobbies, but none of them took.

 

So I’m still skeptical about our longterm prospects, but for now it’s nice to have someone there for me outside of work and my band. The alcohol could be a problem in the future, but she took my comments about it well on Saturday, so I think she realizes she shouldn't get too wasted around me.

[NorthDallas40]

NEELA came to my band’s show the past Saturday (for an all-nighter event), and even though she didn’t know anybody, she either kept to herself without being clingy, or interacted well with people who talked to her. By the end of the night, she had been talking to some girl who was really drunk, and to her credit NEELA insisted we take her home for safety reasons, which was good: NEELA ended up having to almost carry her to the girl’s 2nd floor apartment. But she didn’t complain a bit. That kind of altruism impressed me about NEELA.

 

We got home late & tired, then slept late and stayed at my place the next day. I think she wanted to have sex, but I was simply too exhausted so we just enjoyed TV and food… a low key but relaxing time. Though it bums me out she doesn’t really like movies much, so we’re kinda stuck on foodie-type shows.

 

Last night she came over, we went out to eat, came home, had sex, she slept over, we had sex in the morning.

 

All in all I find myself being a little bored by her, and she tends to be rather silly and a bit scatterbrained when it comes to conversations. But she’s smart, consistent in meeting up (no flakiness at all), seems to enjoy my company, and can be pretty fun a good portion of the time. That’s worth it for now.

[WithLove]

What kind of foodie shows are you into? My guy really likes Master Chef and I've been pulled into watching it with him a time or two.

[Realitynut]

Wow.....been over a month ND. That must mean you and Neela are having great sex.....and still going strong! Yippee.

[Realitynut]

ND40 you've been missing in action for 2 months....I've not had anything to READ!!!!! Please come back!!!

[annie24]

Any updates ND? I hope you had a happy new year!

[NorthDallas40]

So I’m single again.

 

NEELA and I last hung out on January 4… and a few days later I broke up with her via text, which I apologized for. The next day she texted back amicably to respect my decision. That makes about 5 months that we were seeing each other. We haven’t spoken since.

 

The reason? I just didn’t enjoy hanging out with her.

 

Yes, she was attractive, sweet, affectionate, reliable, a decent cook, good in bed, a good person (I think), available & present, enjoyed seeing my bands (I’m in three now!) and was clearly interested in me as more than just a hookup.

 

But… she drank too much (sometimes starting at 10am and continuing until she’d be slurring her speech that evening), had a fairly apathetic/negative outlook about life, had no real interests/passions/hobbies other than work & family (both of which she complained about constantly), always had excuses not to hike so we'd just stay indoors (she didn’t want to be in the sun), and ended up being bored by activities even *she* suggested, like board games or ice skating.

 

And even though that pretty much left just eating, sex and TV as often our only activity options, she was so picky about TV shows and movies (which she didn’t really like at all), that we started at least 5-6 different TV series (on her suggestion) that she just got bored by the 6th to 12th episode, leaving me stranded midseason of Korean dramas like VAGABOND and REPLY 1988 because she didn’t want to watch them anymore.

 

We’d also watch movies I’d tell her ahead of time that I loved, or meant a lot to me, and she’d casually say 30 minutes in “I don’t like this “ or “this is boring,” which was irritating to say the least.

 

And even though NEELA initiated sex often, our last time was really bad: she wanted to 69 with me, and - probably because she’d been drinking all day, urinating a lot, and doesn’t shave down there - her privates smelled so badly of urine that I almost gagged. Total turnoff.

 

But the main problem is just that we didn’t have anything in common, and I didn’t enjoy her company. It got so bad that my stomach would get queasy when we had plans to hang out, and I actually looked forward to being by myself.

 

So we’re done.

 

Anyway, I’d taken all the dating apps off my phone a few months ago, and I haven’t re-installed them yet. I’m just not interested in dating at the moment. I’m happy just playing in my three bands (my main one where I’m the bandleader and write most of the material, and two existing ones where I just play keys) and not worrying about sharing my time with someone I don’t really like that much.

[Batya33]

That is very very cool that you're in three bands -is that typical or most just are (or only can handle) one?

 

We’d also watch movies I’d tell her ahead of time that I loved, or meant a lot to me, and she’d casually say 30 minutes in “I don’t like this “ or “this is boring,” which was irritating to say the least.

 

That's exactly what our son does most often when my husband wants to share a movie he loved either as a child, or after, or it's a classic -and it's irritating - but the last time it happened he was 9 years old so...... kids. But no, I wouldn't like it either with an adult. I do remember kind of suffering through Clockwork Orange (I know everyone is supposed to love it -just couldn't get into it but I did see the whole thing with my then boyfriend).

[annie24]

And even though NEELA initiated sex often, our last time was really bad: she wanted to 69 with me, and - probably because she’d been drinking all day, urinating a lot, and doesn’t shave down there - her privates smelled so badly of urine that I almost gagged. Total turnoff.

 

oh yuck. that's pretty bad.

 

Anyway, you gave it a try. Hugs. Hope you find a good match.

[NorthDallas40]

I reinstalled the dating apps this week. Got about 10 matches, and am actively chatting with about 5 of them, none of whom I'm terribly enthused about. Went on a hike and had dinner with DAKOTA yesterday since I turned down her offer to go on a 5-day bus vacation earlier this month