Online Dating for the 2nd Time - A Journal

[Batya33]

I agree with you - she's not interested. I'm so sorry. Turning down the phone call (with no explanation or that she'd call you as soon as she was free another time?) and then her text to meet again in two weeks is inconsistent and strange. I agree with Batya but for me, it's based on her turning down a phone call. Anytime I've been interested in someone, I've loved chatting with that person on the phone. I wouldn't text her two weeks from now... but up to you.

 

Rose, I missed that part. I totally agree.

[abitbroken]

Maybe if she takes coronovirus seriously, the fact that you hinted at a kiss on the next date and asked her to get tested gave it a little bit of pause. Maybe two dates of drinking and dancing would lead to a kiss on date three pre covid if you both mutually move in that way and the mood was right, but after two hikes, not even a sit down at an outdoor cafe, a fun date at a drive in movie that actually is more like a traditional date particularly because of covid, it might freak me out a little bit if a guy was trying to "plan" a kiss like this so soon particularly knowing taking things slow physically needs to happen these days.

 

She might like you, but going from hike to "get tested" would be too fast to me these days. Again, you can't be patient with the physical it doesn't seem.

Maybe it raised a red flag== i have family members that won't even hug their own family members, let alone kiss someone that they just met. I honestly think that she is less interested because of that. BUt she also might be honest-- visiting elderly relatives, etc, and might be at risk. I would let her be. meet others. If you hear from her in a few weeks you could find out that she does like you but was protecting you, or maybe you never will hear fromher

[Batya33]

Maybe if she takes coronovirus seriously, the fact that you hinted at a kiss on the next date and asked her to get tested gave it a little bit of pause. Maybe two dates of drinking and dancing would lead to a kiss on date three pre covid if you both mutually move in that way and the mood was right, but after two hikes, not even a sit down at an outdoor cafe, a fun date at a drive in movie that actually is more like a traditional date particularly because of covid, it might freak me out a little bit if a guy was trying to "plan" a kiss like this so soon particularly knowing taking things slow physically needs to happen these days.

 

She might like you, but going from hike to "get tested" would be too fast to me these days. Again, you can't be patient with the physical it doesn't seem.

Maybe it raised a red flag== i have family members that won't even hug their own family members, let alone kiss someone that they just met. I honestly think that she is less interested because of that. BUt she also might be honest-- visiting elderly relatives, etc, and might be at risk. I would let her be. meet others. If you hear from her in a few weeks you could find out that she does like you but was protecting you, or maybe you never will hear fromher

 

I thought the same thing, after I posted last night. But if that is so then that (perhaps combined with who knows what else) changed her mind. I don't think he needs to contact her again but if she calls him, depending on context I'd give her another chance. And the tests involved are sometimes questionable as far as accuracy (as compared to better accuracy with let's say the HIV testing -which of course often happens after the third date when the couple knows each other a lot better)

[NorthDallas40]

Got matched with POLLY (48, 5'7", Korean-Caucasian financial planner) on CMB earlier this week, but I had refrained from contacting her due to things developing with SHANDA. But after this "wait a couple of weeks" nonsense, I messaged POLLY and she actually has sent two lengthy, interesting replies.

 

She's been vegetarian since age 15 (sometimes vegan, and said maybe I could inspire her to go 100%), enjoys cooking, documentaries, travel, BBC, NPR... the usual college-educated interests that I enjoy too.

 

She lives about 25-40 minutes away but one positive aspect of the pandemic is that it's reduced traffic so those travel times could be conceivably shorter. Will offer to have a phone chat soon.

[Jibralta]

But my gut reaction is that SHANDA killing the momentum in this manner (and as a question, not even a statement!) is simply the typical passive-aggressive way of blowing someone off without telling them directly.

 

I don't read it that way.

 

If someone wrote this to me, I'd pump the brakes no matter how much I liked them:

 

I emailed SHANDA this morning.... requested that she get a COVID test before we meet up next time

 

It's just so forward and laden with expectation. It takes the magic out of the moment and probably makes her question your priorities. It also puts a lot of pressure on the fourth date.

 

I get that you don't want to be exchanging COVID with each other. Getting tested is the responsible thing to do under the current circumstances. But this is the fourth date. What's the rush?

 

If I were in her shoes, I would do exactly what she is doing because I'd want to see precisely what part of me you were interested in.

 

In other words, the door is most likely still open if you show her that you're interested in more than just the physical.

[Batya33]

I don't read it that way.

 

If someone wrote this to me, I'd pump the brakes no matter how much I liked them:

 

 

 

It's just so forward and laden with expectation. It takes the magic out of the moment and probably makes her question your priorities. It also puts a lot of pressure on the fourth date.

 

I get that you don't want to be exchanging COVID with each other. Getting tested is the responsible thing to do under the current circumstances. But this is the fourth date. What's the rush?

 

If I were in her shoes, I would do exactly what she is doing because I'd want to see precisely what part of me you were interested in.

 

In other words, the door is most likely still open if you show her that you're interested in more than just the physical.

 

Well said. I agree.

[NorthDallas40]

Let's be real: dating during this pandemic is risky, period.

 

I got a COVID test 2 days before I met with SHANDA the first time, and I offered to do it again if we went on date #3. Simply out of respect for her, safety for myself, and to let her know I'm a responsible type of guy.

 

So when COVID tests are free and convenient as they are in my area, getting tested - and requesting that the other person get tested - isn't "forward" or "laden with expectation" or "taking the magic out of the moment" or should make anyone "question priorities."

 

It's just gd common sense, common courtesy, and being a good member of the community.

 

All that said, SHANDA totally understands and agrees with my COVID concerns because she said as much in her texts. My gut feeling is that she's just not that interested in me and using COVID as a convenient excuse to fade away.

 

But we won't know for sure until I text her in 12 days.

 

----------------

 

I messaged POLLY on CMB yesterday, suggesting chatting on the phone sometime this week.

 

She replied this morning "I have your number... I'll give you a call you this week. (thumbs up emoji)"

 

In other words, that message is likely the last I'll hear from her!

[NorthDallas40]

Fun exercise:

 

If YOU went on two physically-distant dates during the pandemic and wanted to give the other person a kiss on a 3rd date (which I hope we can all agree is a 100% normal and reasonable outcome at that stage, otherwise you can skip this exercise), how would YOU approach making this happen, while keeping things as safe as possible for both parties?

[DancingFool]

I'd be realistic with myself that safety while in the midst of a world wide pandemic is an illusion and that you are very much taking your chances on this. So either you mutually take that chance or you keep your social distancing and focus on developing that friendship while the putting the physical on hold - which might be a very novel approach to how you date normally. The other alternative is to put the dating on hold entirely.

 

Think on it - let's say you both got tested and were negative today. You went on a great date tomorrow, made out, had sex, whatever. All good. Keep on dating, but then a few weeks later one of you did get infected.....so.....are you going to get tested every single time you have physical contact? That's not realistic. Every time you have physical contact, you are at risk. How much risk are you willing to take on is up to you. No right or wrong, just totally personal choice.

[NorthDallas40]

Actually, getting tested on a regular basis is totally feasible where we live, so yes, that's what I'd do: get tested in between dates whenever convenient.

 

Which for me, could be any time I go for my daily walk; there's a free testing station on my usual route.

 

But your vote for "Keep all dating 100% platonic, or don't date at all, until there's a widely-available vaccine in 2021 or 2022" is noted.

[DancingFool]

Actually, getting tested on a regular basis is totally feasible where we live, so yes, that's what I'd do: get tested in between dates whenever convenient.

 

Which for me, could be any time I go for my daily walk; there's a free testing station on my usual route.

 

But your vote for "Keep all dating 100% platonic, or don't date at all, until there's a widely-available vaccine in 2021 or 2022" is noted.

 

If testing was accurate that would be great. Unfortunately, it's embarrassingly inaccurate and I'm afraid that few people are actually aware of just how bad that is. It's not exactly publicized. Besides that, there are factors like if you got infected and tested today, you are likely to get a negative on the test because you won't have enough virus today to show up in the tests, yet you are already shedding the virus. So I'll just say again - safety is a complete illusion. Take your chances or don't, but don't kid yourself that you are safe.

[Batya33]

Fun exercise:

 

If YOU went on two physically-distant dates during the pandemic and wanted to give the other person a kiss on a 3rd date (which I hope we can all agree is a 100% normal and reasonable outcome at that stage, otherwise you can skip this exercise), how would YOU approach making this happen, while keeping things as safe as possible for both parties?

 

I likely would want to kiss or hold hands and if it was during this time I'd put that desire aside and get to know the person longer and sort of feel out the situation -if the subject naturally came up - in person, and naturally - with all respect I agree with the others that the way you brought it up seemed quite off putting to a near stranger - then we'd discuss how to proceed. My sense is given the inaccuracies of testing I'd probably platonically date until the numbers were very low and/or there was a vaccine. Which would be no fun for sure. I don't envy those trying to date right now.

[Jibralta]

Think on it - let's say you both got tested and were negative today. You went on a great date tomorrow, made out, had sex, whatever. All good. Keep on dating, but then a few weeks later one of you did get infected.....so.....are you going to get tested every single time you have physical contact? That's not realistic. Every time you have physical contact, you are at risk. How much risk are you willing to take on is up to you. No right or wrong, just totally personal choice.

 

OR... let's say you both got tested and were negative today.... Is she now obligated to kiss you/make out/have sex/whatever? Does it have to happen within a certain time frame of the testing?

 

It's the implied obligation that gets me. I'd feel trapped.

 

If being infected is something that you're concerned about, now is not the time for physical intimacy with new partners. Unless they will submit to your schedule, which unfortunately not everyone wants to do.

[Batya33]

OR... let's say you both got tested and were negative today.... Is she now obligated to kiss you/make out/have sex/whatever? Does it have to happen within a certain time frame of the testing?

 

It's the implied obligation that gets me. Why do I have to schedule a kiss? It feels like a trap.

 

If being infected is something that you're concerned about, now is not the time for physical intimacy with new partners. Unless they will submit to your schedule, which unfortunately not everyone wants to do.

 

I agree. I wouldn't hug anyone outside my family right now (meaning my husband and son) so if I met a friend for a walk or lunch we'd stay the 6 feet or more apart, with masks and have no physical contact and be outside the whole time. I won't let my son have playdates unless we can set it up so there is no physical contact and we'd all agree to maintain that -so far that hasn't been possible. So I'm not dating but covid means that so many social activities myself and my family would be doing -even though we don't normally go out all the time -are just not worth the risk. It's not just dating that's the issue. Again I don't envy someone trying to meet new people right now (or trying to get a job which could require being on site at an office, etc).

[Fudgie]

It's just too risky right now, IMO. It's one thing if you're in an established relationship that is monogamous and you've had an open, frank talk about your comings and goings and dealings. But for meeting new people? You don't know enough about that person to know that they are being safe, how many contacts do they have, etc.

 

People say that we should still live our lives and I can agree to some extent, there is no thing as a zero risk activity right now (aside from staying home, video chatting, etc). But meeting new people definitely is risky. Every first date you meet in person carries risk unless you follow social distancing (forget about first date kiss).

[itsallgrand]

I recall reading a recommendation that if you insist on sexual activity with new partners during this time, to wear masks during sex and shower straight after.

The health officials are recommending no kissing of new partners.

Not exactly sexy, I know, but they've addressed the fact that some people are going to date new people and be intimate with new people.

[NorthDallas40]

A timeline refresher for those who feel I'm pressuring SHANDA in some way:

 

1. I did not initiate any physical contact on our first 2 outside dates, and we both wore masks.

 

2. After the 2nd date, I texted her an invitation for a 3rd date, with the caveat that "I may try to kiss" her.

 

3. She accepted with a blushing smile emoji.

 

4. I replied via email that my only stipulation was that she get a COVID test beforehand, and that I would too.

 

5. She texted me back to delay contact (implicitly even by phone/text) for 2 weeks so she would not be at her "maximum germiest" from an upcoming family meetup when we meet again.

 

So at this point, she either may or may not want to see me again for a variety of reasons.

 

But given this timeline, if the sole reason she wants to ditch me is because I requested a COVID test (and whatever she read into that request), then she's got a screw loose.

[Eliza50]

You haven't pressured her. If she had been that scared about corona, she wouldn't have met you in the first place. No, I think she's just not that interested. Sometimes, it's as simple as that.

[Jibralta]

A timeline refresher for those who feel I'm pressuring SHANDA in some way:

 

1. I did not initiate any physical contact on our first 2 outside dates, and we both wore masks.

 

2. After the 2nd date, I texted her an invitation for a 3rd date, with the caveat that "I may try to kiss" her.

 

3. She accepted with a blushing smile emoji.

 

4. I replied via email that my only stipulation was that she get a COVID test beforehand, and that I would too.

 

5. She texted me back to delay contact (implicitly even by phone/text) for 2 weeks so she would not be at her "maximum germiest" from an upcoming family meetup when we meet again.

 

So at this point, she either may or may not want to see me again for a variety of reasons.

 

But given this timeline, if the sole reason she wants to ditch me is because I requested a COVID test (and whatever she read into that request), then she's got a screw loose.

 

I understand all of that.

 

For me, it's not so much pressure as it is a weird feeling of obligation.

 

Putting myself in her shoes, a kiss might seem nice after the second date. But when the third date arrives, I expect the flexibility to say no. Going forward with the ceremony of a test removes that flexibility. It feels like a commitment. I would shy away from that.

 

I'm just speaking for myself and how I see it. I think it's weird and I'd back off if someone proposed this to me. I wouldn't necessarily shut the door, but I'd take a healthy step back.

 

She probably has her own set of reasons. Maybe they're like mine, maybe they're not. But just because someone doesn't make decisions in the same way that you do doesn't mean they have a screw loose.

 

You may not like when people think differently than you, but that doesn't mean they are somehow less intelligent or less sane that you are.

[Batya33]

I understand all of that.

 

For me, it's not so much pressure as it is a weird feeling of obligation.

 

Putting myself in her shoes, a kiss might seem nice after the second date. But when the third date arrives, I expect the flexibility to say no. Going forward with the ceremony of a test removes that flexibility. It feels like a commitment. I would shy away from that.

 

I'm just speaking for myself and how I see it. I think it's weird and I'd back off if someone proposed this to me. I wouldn't necessarily shut the door, but I'd take a healthy step back.

 

She probably has her own set of reasons. Maybe they're like mine, maybe they're not. But just because someone doesn't make decisions in the same way that you do doesn't mean they have a screw loose.

 

You may not like when people think differently than you, but that doesn't mean they are somehow less intelligent or less sane that you are.

 

Completely agree. Also people have changing and varying reactions to covid exposures -and this makes sense because the information changes, the environment changes as does the infection rate. Today I felt more anxious after a fellow runner came closer to me than usual on the jogging track on a breezy morning. I had to remind myself that that half second outdoors means nothing. But I did need the self reminder. So Shanda may have been good with it and then as Jibralta said the sense of obligation, the test, the ceremony of it -may have thrown her off and made her reevaluate. I likely would have as well, others might not have. I have a friend who was all about posting about stay at home/masks, etc until..... she got a job that required her to be indoors, no masks but "socially distanced" at meetings. All of a sudden she "pivoted" -at least privately -to telling me that we each have our own standards and if she got covid, oh well, she'd quarantine for two weeks. And this is someone I know fairly well. ND doesn't know this person and this person might not know herself that well as far as reactions to the exposure to covid while dating.

[Batya33]

You haven't pressured her. If she had been that scared about corona, she wouldn't have met you in the first place. No, I think she's just not that interested. Sometimes, it's as simple as that.

 

I have people I would meet now -new friends -in an outdoor socially distanced way. I wouldn't be scared. But I declined yet another invitation to go to someone's house for a backyard socially distanced event because of the restroom indoors situation. It depends.

[NorthDallas40]

A couple of days after Polly's CMB message about calling me, I replied "I look forward to your call!" and this morning she texted that she'd call me around 4pm, and indeed she did.

 

But as soon as I heard her voice, I was really turned off its nasal, type-A, businesslike, no-nonsense, not-at-all-feminine tone.

 

Still, we chatted for 30 minutes, mostly about vegan concerns. Though I don't think we have much in common other than political/social/environmental issues.

 

And true to my Type-A perception, she informed me that on the one hand she makes all of her food from scratch (as in, no pre-made flour if she makes bread; she starts with wheat berries!), while on the other, she's on the board of a finance company with a bunch of male Trump supporters with whom she clashes intensely when politics comes up. She also admitted she's a VERY judgmental person, and it's clear she's extremely outspoken and strong-willed.

 

In short, she was just not the type of person I really want to meet, let alone be in a relationship with. So I was thankful when she said she had to go, leaving me not even a moment to ask her out as I would typically do before concluding the call.

 

She said she'd call another time but I won't pick up if she does. Oh well.

[Rose Mosse]

I agree. Find someone else more laid back.

[NorthDallas40]

Never heard from POLLY, who last said she'd call me back. Works for me.

 

---------

 

This past Tuesday was exactly 2 weeks since SHANDA told us to "slow things down" and "wait a couple of weeks," so I texted her about meeting up again.

 

She replied within 15 minutes, engaging me in a guessing game about something she recently saw (turned out to be the first snake she'd seen on a trail IRL), then said that, yes, she'd be up for meeting up (smile emoji) but wouldn't "have time (or inclination) to get a Covid test this week" so "can we just meet and talk like we have been?"

 

I said that was fine. I suggested two hiking places, but she nixed those in favor of a popular lake in the neighborhood next to mine. We're meeting tomorrow afternoon.

[NorthDallas40]

Just got back from my walking meetup with SHANDA, and it was kind of a disappointment.

 

She didn't act any differently than before; she was still friendly and engaged in pleasant conversation, but that's the problem. Her interaction would have been fine for a first date, but I didn't get any sense of personal interest in me, just a baseline cordiality.

 

Plus we only walked for less than 90 minutes before she said "ok there's my car" as a clear signal that the meet was over, when we spent over two hours together each of the last two times.

 

So my sensible gut reaction is to give up and put her in the rearview.

 

But my emotional part says "hey, she's so cute and nice! At least text her again and ask point-blank if she's actually interested to confirm that she's not interested in me beyond having a walking buddy." Even though that's probably pretty pointless.

 

In either case, I just wanna know what I'll probably never find out: why meet up with me a 3rd time if she wasn't interested!!?

 

Oh well. Looking at the bright side, at least I got to do my daily walk with a cute girl instead of solo today.