Ladies, how would you react if your man said this?

[everyone]

Me and my GF have been together for almost five years and things have generally been great between us, but recently we've been having a lot of problems which basically stem from what she's been wearing lately. For the whole time we've been together she's had a lot of style, dresses amazingly well and looks great, but her taste has always been very classy and quite demure, but lately she's been dressing much more provocatively and it's starting to bother me.

 

She's a gorgeous girl, so anytime we go out she always gets guys checking her out. As long as its respectful (ie. they have a look, but then look away as soon as they see that I've noticed) then this has never bothered me, but now she's started wearing really - and I do mean REALLY - low cut tops and short skirts and so the attention she's been getting lately has been far less respectful and far less subtle and it's causing big problems between us.

 

I'm totally aware that this is to do with my insecurities but I've never had any issues with guys eying her up before, as I get a lot of female attention too and even when men have hit on her without realising she was out with her man (when she's at the bar getting us drinks etc) it's never bothered me either as I trust her totally and know she tells them right away that she's spoken for. But at the same time I'm a very protective guy and having to deal with guys leering at my GF's body all day long lately is making me feel disrespected regularly and is getting me into confrontations quite a lot, which she hates as much as I do.

 

Now I know there's loads that you could all say regarding my behaviour and also her need to dress like this all of a sudden, so I'll just head you off at the pass by saying that I'm fully aware of both things and am working hard on thinking them both through to change my thinking and try to understand hers. My question to the women here though is how would you react to what I've been saying to my GF about all this?

 

Basically I've told her that while she looks gorgeous and very sexy when she dresses like that, she knows full well that I'm a red-blooded guy that would fight to the death to protect her or myself and I really don't like other men looking at my GF's body like she's a piece of meat, so dressing so revealingly is making me feel very insecure and defensive. I've made it clear that there's nothing wrong with what she's doing as it's her choice to dress how she wants and I've also said that I'm aware that I'm being insecure but since she lived fine without dressing like this for years, I have asked her to consider my feelings and maybe lay off the over-revealing clothes.

 

Of course this has caused endless arguments as she says this is all my problem and she shouldn't have to change her wardrobe because of me, as well as saying "if you trusted me, you wouldn't care if other guys stared at me" etc etc. Now while all of this is true (to a point) my concern is that I've voiced my insecurities very lovingly, with no judgement, and have just said "I know this is my problem…but could you just help me out with it", as not only does she love how protective I am in all other ways but she also hated it when I used to wear tight shirts which showed my physique off and got me loads more attention, so I stopped doing it to help her feel better.

 

In short, I'm feeling very disrespected and unappreciated by her right now and feel like I surely should be far more important to her than her right to show her cleavage to other men and since I've even been so clear to her that I'm not judging her and am just asking for some consideration in the face of my first pangs of insecurity, I feel like the loving thing would have been for her to say "No problem babe…I'll tone it down".

 

Am I wrong?

[Batya33]

Yes, despite your feeling uncomfortable with how she dresses you are wrong. You do get to tell her what to wear if she's going to a business function for your employer and there is a dress code or some form of that -then if she wants to go she has to conform (or she doesn't have to go). Otherwise -nope. I do wonder what's going on with her that she's changed so drastically. My guess is she likes the attention and likes seeing you jealous and/or has insecurities about her body so she's overcompensating by flaunting what she's got. I wouldn't like it one bit but I wouldn't feel like I had the right to dictate what my SO wears. Perhaps try to decrease the amount of time you spend in bars and similar places where checking people out is more the norm? And get a thicker skin.......

[OptomisticGirl]

Men will look at women even if they wore a burlap sack.

[Tia Emma]

What does this have to do with insecurities? I think you headed into the wrong direction from the beginning. And now she thinks you're jealous. But are you really?

Think again.

If the two if you are traveling and she wants to go through airport security with a t-shirt that reads "I have a bomb", then yeah! you get to tell her not to wear that and it won't be your insecurity.

Just say to her, don't wear that 'cos you're too hot you'll get us into trouble. What's wrong with not wanting to fight other men? Could it be in our society it is more accepted to be a jealous guy than to be a guy who doesn't want to fight? Not wanting confrontations is sensible. That's what I think anyway.

[EgoJoe]

Time to stop accepting her lashouts. When you hear the "if you trusted me...." thats excuse talking where she does nothing but deflects and then projects the blame. You acknowledge your difficulties and you approached it correctly. Are you over the top? A little. Is she being reasonable. No. Now, I am not a chick but it is easy to tell because I've heard those BS argumentative lines "if you trusted me" "if I did/didn't why would/wouldn't i...." it's designed to get YOU answer questions instead of ASKING them.

 

Don't play that, when you hear that kind of stuff, shrug your shoulders, roll your eyes and walk away.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Instead of trying to impose your will on how she dresses..why not decide if you really want to be with a women who now feels the need to dress in low cut tops and short skirts. What changed in her that she suddenly wanted to change her image. Is she really the same person she was 5 years ago? If someone changes to the point that their values no longer mesh with their partner, then it is okay to walk away. You have expressed how you feel and she she wants to dress this way. It is basically two people who are conforming to gender stereotypes....you want to be her protecter, her owner, the one who feels pride having all the men looking at his gf while you have the "prize" and they don't, but you don't want them to look at her as if she was a prostitute because then it kind of cheapens the experience for you.......she, on the other hand, is now conforming to the stereotype of women being arm candy and noticed for how much skin hangs out. There seems to be a heavy focus on appearances and impressing others from your side and from her side. So I can see insecurity issues factor in for both of you. A secure women doesn't have to be flashing boobs and thighs..those are attention-seeking behaviours. Bottom line is that maybe her personality is changing as she wants to changer the image she shows to the world. It is not your place to dictate what image she wants to show to the world...but it is your place to choose to walk away from someone whose new chosen image goes against your values.

[octour]

She can wear anything she wants, yes. But what I can tell you from recent experience is that my ex started telling me almost daily about every guy that had a comment or hit on her during the day. It never really bothered me until it became a daily affirmation that she notices being noticed. My ex is also a gorgeous girl. What I didn't realize, and I wish I had, was that she wasn't happy with our RS. She started hanging out with new people, staying later at work, or working more often etc. Eventually, she left me for someone else. If I had the chance back, I would have handled things differently.

I wouldn't worry about her and what she is wearing. Yes, she's looking for attention. But she's looking for attention from you, not them. Take more interests in her interests. Listen to her, talk to her. Don't complain about your day. Talk about things that excite her. Go back to when you first started dating and stop taking it for granted that you are together. A significant other is a privilege and not a right. And above all, be a man. Help you out with being insecure? No. Men are not insecure. So stop it and man up. Stop worrying about her and start loving her again. That way, you are the man and the man she wants to be with.

[DN]

This is very simple:

 

- she gets to wear what she wants to.

- you get to decide if you want to be with her if she dresses in a way you find unacceptable.

 

You can handle the second part in one of two ways. First, you can refuse to be with her if she is dressed like that and she can choose to dress more conservatively or she could decide to dump you. Second, you could just dump her altogether.

 

So long as you don't try to control her in some way but simply present alternatives then you both have choices here.

[clearNOS]

As a woman how i would respond? Actually it use to be a major issue in past long-term relationship.

But I understand your reasoning but first to say " I know its my problem but she could help me out with this." In my opinion there is more to this situation, but could be wrong. Is she somewhat younger than you and maybe your feeling/seeing your self differently as you described your self more in shape in the past. Heck you could be in your 30s lol!

Has your wife lost weight recently? Another thing to consider she may be feeling older, and times have changed with style and whats considered appropriate? Believe me woman go with the others.

Stop an think about your relationship overall. She sounds very strong, independent, knows what she wants and thats you of coarse. You cant control nor change anyone but yourself. and if it were me I would probably do it more passively because of your demands from insecurities.

Men will stare at every woman up and down with more cloths on but feel proud how hot she is. Its ok let them look because she knows who her man is so NO ONE will be touching.

Has there been distance or less attention? Thought maybe their is a deeper problem underneath your these sudden insecurities.

What I found interesting is your paragraph of how it never bothered you before and you had no problem with other men because you knew she was with you! But due to your sudden insecurity and I feel your minimizing your actions and using being suddenly " Protective" to justify your beliefs.

What really is the problem? You obvious have a hot woman, loving relationship, and THERE must be something missing or an other issue you might be refusing to acknowledge...But please no disrespect and its only my opinion.

[laninaperdida]

Girls dress this way for one reason and one reason only: attention.

We don't know why they need it when they need, however.

She may just be in a phase of feeling insecure and needs eyes on her.

This is most likely a phase.

Therefore, as her partner, you need to support her.

Not in what she wears, but in how she feels.

 

You've already talked to death about it so I would try some action.

 

Accept her phase - temporarily.

Give it a timeline, a period you are comfortable putting up with.

(Yes, sometimes we need to "put up" with the stuff our partners do.)

In this timeline, let her wear whatever she wants and make absolutely no comments on her wardrobe.

"Do I look good, honey?"

*Shrug*

She knows you don't like this type of style so don't pretend to at the expense of her feelings, but don't put her down for it either.

Despite the attention she's getting from randoms, yours is the most important.

If you take it away, she'll want to get it back.

She'll stop mentally associating * * * * ty clothes with good attention.

Now, I'm not saying don't hold her hand in public or anything like that.

Just don't give any attention whatsoever to what she wears.

If her breasts are falling out, don't say anything.

Let other people do the dirty work for you.

And they will!

They'll whisper and she'll begin to feel like an idiot.

After your timeline, discuss the situation again.

 

Sometimes, excessive communication does more harm than good and you just need to wait a situation out.

[lostandhurt]

Why not simply ask her why she changed her wardrobe so drastically so fast?

 

There is more to this than meets the eye.

 

Lost

[Bella27]

My best friend is going through exactly the same problem with her boyfriend. She is an extremely attractive girl who ALWAYS gets noticed by men. She also likes dressing nice, get her hair and make-up done when she goes out and in general, she takes good care of herself. The issue is, she has been with her boyfriend for a little over 6 months and in the last 2-3 months the guy told her now that she is in a relationship she should start dressing in a more conservative way out of respect for him. Because she is my best friend I know for a fact that she ADORES him, that there is no other man in the world she'd rather be with and that she dresses like that for HIM. Of course other men notice her, she is gorgeous, but what is she supposed to do? Dress like a nun? And you know what? She complaints to me all the time that each time they go out she makes a huge effort to look AMAZING because he never tells her anything about how great she looks. So she tries harder in an effort for him to notice and say something. So, who knows? Maybe your girl is doing the same here! Maybe she is trying to get you to notice her, she wants YOU to find her attractive...not other men.

[DrKitten]

Why not simply ask her why she changed her wardrobe so drastically so fast?

 

There is more to this than meets the eye.

 

Lost

 

I agree. She could be just experimenting with fashion, or feeling complacent in a long relationship and seeking attention/thrills.

[Huntress0527]

This is very simple:

 

- she gets to wear what she wants to.

- you get to decide if you want to be with her if she dresses in a way you find unacceptable.

 

You can handle the second part in one of two ways. First, you can refuse to be with her if she is dressed like that and she can choose to dress more conservatively or she could decide to dump you. Second, you could just dump her altogether.

 

So long as you don't try to control her in some way but simply present alternatives then you both have choices here.

 

Agreed.

 

The thing is she all of sudden changed her wardrobe. Why? What sparked the want to wear more revealing clothes? I definitely believe the insecurity is from both parties. Also, I'd just wear the tight shirts again and see what happens.

[thejigsup]

I wouldn't lash out at you, I just wouldn't say anything at all. Men DO NOT have to protect us. That is all in YOUR head, not hers. I would not say anything because you would be trying to control me and paint me as a helpless creature without a brain that you have to "protect". I would just leave and save you the trouble of being angry or worried.

[wendy48]

I wouldn't lash out at you, I just wouldn't say anything at all. Men DO NOT have to protect us. That is all in YOUR head, not hers. I would not say anything because you would be trying to control me and paint me as a helpless creature without a brain that you have to "protect". I would just leave and save you the trouble of being angry or worried.

 

The whole "other men looking at my girlfriend is disrespectful to me" thing is pretty weird.

[DN]

Just as many women find it disrespectful if their partners make it obvious if they ogle other women, particularly if the women are wearing revealing clothing, many men find it disrespectful if their partners wear revealing clothing for other men to ogle. There is no real difference.

[wendy48]

But you don't know that she's doing it precisely so that other men will ogle her. Not everything women do in this area is specifically for male strangers. Why assume that?

 

Furthermore, it actually is quite different. A person can control their own behavior, and choose not to ogle other people in front of their partner. But no one can control others, and she isn't responsible for men's behavior.

[toby17]

Op, this is a red sign and it if happened in a future relationship I hope I pay attn.

 

You've noticed the clothes, but have there been other changes? Has she taken up any new activities? Started hanging out more with certain people?

 

You're uneasy for a reason. Getting her to stop dressing this way is a red herring, don't bother - that's about control - but if you convince her to change you'll only be getting rid of the symptom.

 

This feels like passive aggressive behaviour to me and not behaviour designed to get your attention, but a kind of emotional rebellion against you, particularly if you're forceful and you've got a strong personality.

 

If she just wanted your attention, she'd dress smutty in the bedroom.

 

Her attention isn't you anymore, but it's not necessarily other guys. It's feels more like visual display of "I can do whatever I want".

[DN]

But you don't know that she's doing it precisely so that other men will ogle her. Not everything women do in this area is specifically for male strangers. Why assume that?.

Because I wasn't born yesterday.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

But you don't know that she's doing it precisely so that other men will ogle her. Not everything women do in this area is specifically for male strangers. Why assume that?

 

Furthermore, it actually is quite different. A person can control their own behavior, and choose not to ogle other people in front of their partner. But no one can control others, and she isn't responsible for men's behavior.

 

A person can do things to provoke a certain reaction from people..if you don't want that reaction then you don't do things to provoke it. So she does indeed have control...if she doesn't wear revealing clothing, men won't be ogling her to the same degree. I will also say that I doubt very much that women wear revealing clothing for the boyfriend's viewing pleasure since the boyfriend has the benefit of viewing pleasure at home. It is done for attention from the masses.

[kaibutsu]

I would be really curious to see what happened if your reaction was the exact opposite and you just sat back and watched how she handled the attention on her own. Not saying that is the right thing to do, but it might get some insight as to what is going on if you sat back a watched how she deals with other men that are interested in her.

[metrogirl]

Men will look at women even if they wore a burlap sack.

 

 

I need to get me one of these.

[Kalika]

I think she's acting out in a way. She knows you don't like it but she's trying to assert her own independence.

 

I'm curious, how old are both of you? I am wondering if she is not annoyed that you have been boyfriend and girlfriend for 5 years. That's a long time.

[Ms Darcy]

Out of curiosity, how old are you both and are you working towards marriage?