Is sex a really important part of a relationship?

[RougeKali823]

OP-I think you are well within your rights to wait. I waited for years and was proposed to. Not all men will leave you. Personally I think the investment in partnership supersedes an assessment of sexual compatibility. This culture makes sexual compatibility supreme when it is a fact that the sex, no matter how hot it is at the start, will wane with age. So letting that serve as a barometer for compatibility is reckless and probably why the divorce rate is so high, with sex being one of the two most cited reasons. When these guys leave you just chalk it up to their ignorance of real love and partnership. If someone can't wait 6 months for sex then they probably aren't capable of remaining in a marriage which might be befallen by some tragedy that might render a partner impotent or otherwise unable to sexually perform. Thus, they aren't looking for partnerships but self-gratification. In my experience most of the naysayers have been single parents (or soon to be single parents) and are not able to maintain a marriage or successful relationship which isn't based largely on sex. Having sex is easy, but loving someone for who they are and letting sex be the icing on the cake, takes a very strong person. When my fiancé’s libido wanes with old age I won't walk out or start climbing walls because I don't feel "bonded" to him anymore. I'll do what I can to work on it and if it fails we will be creative and rest assured knowing that we signed up for a lifelong partnership above all else. The sex is just an amazing bonus. Hold out for a man who's reached that level of understanding and I promise you'll be pleased with the results. Btw-my fiance is non-religious so don't allow people to pigeonhole you. It makes practical sense.

[90_hour_sleep]

this is a beautiful post.

 

well said.

 

 

[tiredofvampires]

Thank you.

 

 

I can't imagine sex being the catalyst for "true feeling to develop."

[22n32]

Dont u need both sexual and intalectual match to make a good solid rel...???

 

im mean u cant have a healthy solid rel on sex only, but say u wait 6months or whatever and u have strong feelings for eachother, and u get into the sexual phase, and that person is horrible in bed, and the connection just seems off in the bed aspect..

 

then what???

[tiredofvampires]

but say u wait 6months or whatever and u have strong feelings for eachother, and u get into the sexual phase, and that person is horrible in bed, and the connection just seems off in the bed aspect..

 

I have found that the things which I love about a person's overall personality (and soul) translate in the bedroom into what I need/want. And the things that need tweaking quickly get tweaked, and are of a very minor nature.

 

I've yet to meet someone with the characteristics that I look for turn out to be shockingly "horrible" in bed. Usually, there is a very natural correlation with everything else about them, and their sexual nature is just another extension/expression of other attributes which I've already fallen in love with.

[Lonewing]

Having been where I have been, I'll just say that sex is indeed a very large part of a relaitonship, and ultimately you're going to be the ONLY girl he ever touches, ideally.

 

Waiting itself does not determine how strong your bond with him will be. Your differnece of moral values may make it difficult for you to enjoy sex - which is foging to make your relaitonship even more difficult, because he obviously LIKES sex. A LOT.

 

Something to Consider...

[jboxaholic]

Yes it's really important to me. My bf has been extremely depressed and stressed lately, so his sex drive is really low. I always want to have sex, but now we go sometimes 2 weeks without sex and I really miss it. I love him and love sex with him.now I definitely miss it and it's taking a bit of a toll on the relationship. But since I love him, I would never think of leaving him because of it.

[Lucidity]

I think the OP is well within her right to feel the way she does. She is open, upfront and honest about her intentions to this guy, and I commend her for that.

 

I too am one who thinks that sex should not be a catalyst or lithmus test by which to guage ones true feelings for someone, and I think it has become a pitfall to modern relationships due to the perceived importance attached to it. Even if the OP states upfront that she wants to wait, there is nothing wrong with her -also- making the decision of when to have, allow or initiate sex. It is totally up to her, period. It is her body, and she gets to decide if and when she wants to share it with someone.

 

I'm completely old school when it comes to things that modern society places waaay too much emphasis on...such as sex, looks or what have you. I get to know my lady for who she is inside..her scruples, her personality, how she handles herself in difficult circumstances and whether or not the picture that she painted of herself during the dating stage is something that will stand the test of time. It is these core values that will hold things together when the cracks start to show in the painting, not sex.

 

I hold sex to the standard of what its ultimate and intended purpose is: Procreation. The fact that it feels good should never be used to determine ones "feelings" for someone, because no amount of "great sex" will ever substitute for a true committment by either party when things get rough. I dont think I have ever heard of a single instance where a troubled relationship was ever saved by having "great sex". However, I have heard waaay too many cases where the quality of sex was used as the determining factor to end a relationship.

 

Just food for thought.

[Aurora11]

Just because he desires sex that does not mean he disrepsects her as a person. Most people out there would indeed get frustrated at the 3-4 month mark. I suspect the only way the OP could avoid confrontation is if she explicitly dated someone with the same values as her. ie, perhaps guys she meets at church.

 

Lol... well, in my case, it's not a religious thing... so if I meet guys at church, it would cause even more problems. =P

[Aurora11]

I think its an important part, def not the only or most important part.. sex really allows me to get closer to her and allows the true feeling to develop..

 

even though as a guy the animalistic side and chemistry towards her wants sex sex.. but on the other side i get the feeling of being closer and caring about her more..

 

Interesting. =) So, in your case, the absence of sex makes it almost impossible to fall in love and moves her into the friend zone?

[Aurora11]

Thank you so much for your post... it brings some hope. That's how I feel too, but, nobody around me feels the same (unless they're extremely religious.) It's nice to know that other people out there run into the same problems I do. I also believe that the partnership supercedes an assessment of sexual compatibility and that sex would be the icing on the cake, so to speak.

 

I was beginning to think that I was being impossibly optimistic. It's not a matter of respect with sex or not.. I just don't want to fall into the pattern of only having sex in the relationship... because it's easy to sleep with someone, but... it's hard to love someone for who they are regardless of the sex.

[Aurora11]

I have found that the things which I love about a person's overall personality (and soul) translate in the bedroom into what I need/want. And the things that need tweaking quickly get tweaked, and are of a very minor nature.

 

I've yet to meet someone with the characteristics that I look for turn out to be shockingly "horrible" in bed. Usually, there is a very natural correlation with everything else about them, and their sexual nature is just another extension/expression of other attributes which I've already fallen in love with.

 

Great reply... =)

That's what I think will happen to me once I'm in love... it's just a lot more special...

[Batya33]

The men who wanted a serious relationship with me wanted to wait until I was comfortable (usually 3-5 months -until we were exclusive with real potential for marriage -and had expressed that we loved each other) and often wanted to wait in order to feel comfortable themselves.

 

I don't think it's important to have sex before marriage or before engagement - it's important that both people feel comfortable about the decision to have sex. I think once a couple does start having sex that it's important to have sex as often as makes the couple happy -and often that means compromise when one person isn't in the mood or has other situations making sex difficult/impractical etc. Meaning if you want it 4 times/week and he wants it 2 perhaps 3 would work for both of you.

 

I also think it varies by couple -in my marriage it's very important -not frequency as much as wanting each other and putting effort into making sure we have that time together (very difficult with a 2 year old!!) -knowing that we both want it and try to plan it (in a fun way) makes us both feel desired/desirable. And quality - not talking about tecnical positions or whether there's "satisfaction" but more that it's almost always if not always a time you feel bonded/close and gives you a chance to express your feelings in that way. Obviously doing it because of lust only works too but for me if that was the main reason I wouldn't feel comfortable. It requires being painfully honest with yourself about your expectations - do you care if you say you love each other? Do you care if it's not technically perfect -if so how often?

And you have to be comfortable with whatever protection you're using or not using. At least for me nothing could sap the enjoyment of it faster than if I was worried about whether I'd get pregnant (when I didn't want to be).

[Aurora11]

Hmm... I guess it really IS a matter of opinion. I was raised in the old-fashioned way and those were the core values that I've been looking for. I am totally on the same page as you and my definition of an ideal relationship would be... to have a best friend who understands me, who is always there but who I am also extremely attracted to. At the same time, I do understand the fascination with sex and I do understand the argument that sex creates a different type of intimacy within the relationship. It's really a personal preference thing...

 

Perhaps this is just a case of finding someone non-religious who is also old-fashioned like me... maybe he does exist somewhere.

[-Sanguine-]

I prefer to wait a few months, as well. With my ex we waited 8 months (I won't wait that long again, but it was my first time so I wanted to make sure I was ready). My ex had NO problem waiting, in fact, he would have waited longer. I was the one who pushed for it by the time it had been 8 months. He wasn't hard to convince, though.. lol.

 

To be honest, if a guy really likes you and you ask to wait like 4 months.. I don't see why that would be a problem. I think if a guy can't wait that long then he probably only wanted sex to begin with. I know that's not always true, but from my perspective if you really like someone and see a future with them (possibly) then what's a couple months?? I mean, making someone wait years, I could see why that's a problem cause you want to find out if you will be sexually compatible. But in the first few months of dating, you're just getting to know each other and their likes and dislikes.. I think it's okay to put a hold on the sex until you know if you're even compatible personality wise!

[shuttlefish]

Jane meets John and they fall in love. Jane insists that she has a ring on her finger and a house before she agrees to sex. John reluctantly agrees. They wait until they get married. John discoveres that the sex isn't all that great. Jane figures out she can use sex as a tool to get what she wants out of John. The marriage limps along until John gets tired of being manipulated. They get divorced. Jane does not believe in divorce of course so she lawyers up - John loses lots of money in the divorce but also loses alot of time when he should have been looking for someone more compatible.

 

John becomes bitter about women and even more sexually frustrated, he discovers that porn is a cheaper way to go....but he is lonely and longs for a real woman...but he cannot allow himself to trust them.

 

Jane comes to the conclusion that John only wanted sex all along and feels vidicated in her request to wait. Next marriage Jane decides that she will withhold sex until she is absolutely positively sure that the marriage is stable and working. Jane has problems locating another guy but she finally does. He is a closeted or in-denial homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that). Or a eunich. The marriage does not work.

[Blue Spiral]

I have no doubt you'll find people who agree with you on an emotional advice forum. In real life, though, you'll be automatically ruling out a huge portion of the male population, which will make things extremely difficult for you. But if you think it's worth it, go for it.

[RougeKali823]

I have found that the things which I love about a person's overall personality (and soul) translate in the bedroom into what I need/want. And the things that need tweaking quickly get tweaked, and are of a very minor nature.

 

I've yet to meet someone with the characteristics that I look for turn out to be shockingly "horrible" in bed. Usually, there is a very natural correlation with everything else about them, and their sexual nature is just another extension/expression of other attributes which I've already fallen in love with.

 

Exactly! Very well put.

[Firiel]

OP, you have every right to wait to have sex for as long as you want, especially since have been open and honest with the guys you've dated. I'm not saying (and I don't think you are either) that the guys you are dating are total shallow jerks who only want you for sex or anything like that. They just have a different view of sex than you do, and that's okay. You will be ruling out quite a few men with these views, but that's okay. Guys who like blonds or girls who like musicians do the same thing. It doesn't make them wrong at all. If waiting until that emotional commitment is there is important to you, having sex earlier just to appease the guy will only lead to your feeling disappointed that you didn't hold fast to your views or to feeling resentful towards the guy who asked for sex even after you explicitly told him you wanted to wait for awhile.

[Glowguy]

I have no doubt you'll find people who agree with you on an emotional advice forum. In real life, though, you'll be automatically ruling out a huge portion of the male population, which will make things extremely difficult for you. But if you think it's worth it, go for it.

 

Exactly, the sentiment might be nice in some of these posts, but I don't think they are very realistic. I stand by what I said earlier and I know I would not wait that long (and it's not because I'm only after sex, I don't feel comfortable at all with casual sex). I would be willing to wait a few months.

[Moontiger]

I think the the amount of time someone wants to wait can really depend on if it is their first time or not. With my ex, we waited 2 years because it was may first time and I didn't want my first time to be with someone who was not a long-term serious partner.

 

While it can be hard to find, there are men out there who will wait. Personally, I think its worth it to not date a lot and keep your standards high to find those men.

[Sim54]

I've never been able to have a relationship longer than about six months because of precisely that reason. Like you, I wouldn't want to make a decision that I would regret. It's getting rather exhausting because... I'm not doing it for religious purposes... it's just a personal preference. I've yet to find a non-religious guy who wanted to "wait until things got serious..." =(

 

Problem is that it's very difficult for a relationship to GET serious without sex. Sex is the glue the binds you romantically. Without, you're just friends. Sure, I believe in waiting, and a few weeks or couple of months should be enough. If a guy is still there after 2 months, and really likes you, then go for it. It seems you are more afraid of making a bad decision than anything else, but as long as you practise safe sex, then all should be fine.

 

You can't prevent a relationship from ending by being too careful. You could wait years to have sex, and it could still fail after a few months, especially if it turns out you two aren't sexually compatible.

 

S

[Moontiger]

Just remembered something that I thought people on this tread would find interesting, The author of the book, "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" was doing an interview and answering questions women have about men. One woman asked how long she should wait to have sex with a man, his answer was at least three months.

 

He framed it this way. If you start a new job there is a probation period before you get benefits where the company get to see what kind of worker you are, do you show up on time? Do you do your work well? Do you get along with others? etc. According to him the beginning of a relationship works the same way. Three months or more allows each person to assess the other and to really think about if that person with worth time and energy.

[Snny]

Just because he desires sex that does not mean he disrepsects her as a person. Most people out there would indeed get frustrated at the 3-4 month mark.

It's the fact he's picking a fight and pressuring her about it. Not acceptable at all if she isn't ready. Who's to say that he just wants to get in her pants? I agree that she will need to find someone who respects her boundary instead of pressuring her into sex.

[RougeKali823]

@ Moontiger-That author (Steve Harvey) has been married three times. So, his advice is not very credible. It's statistically proven that couples who wait fair better in marriage. The men ruled out by the OP's choice are not worthy of her IMO and fortunately Mr. Harvey doesn't represent all men. I have dated guys who've been professional athletes and they've been able to hold off (which even shocked them) so the average guy, who doesn't have near as many options, is only deciding not to because he wants to get off. I mean we're all adults here and what they are seeking is instant gratification. Anyone who believes otherwise isn't being honest. A man who can wait is a treasure to be had and I thank God every day that I have one. He's not comparable to a job and I certainly didn't give him a probationary period. What I did was demonstrate that I hoped he'd invest as much in me as I have/will in him.