Is sex a really important part of a relationship?

[Lonewing]

To get married WITHOUT having sex is also like seeing a house and NOT seeing the master bedroom.

 

This over quantification of sex, on both sides, is what's the rgeatest issue. One side wants to treat it like a yule log, like the contents of the lost Ark, like the bottle of 1812 brandy; the other side wants to enjoy it freely without any attachment whatsoever.

 

Sex is special, and so is the person you have it with, but sex itself isn't so special that it's of greater virtue whether you have it or not. The most important part about the 3-5 months is to establish whether your partner is someone you turst or not - that and that alone is why you make them wait. If you're not ready to have sex when you get into the relationship, you're not ready yet! There's that period of time before called dating, before you become boyfriend/girlfriend. Once you're boyfriend/girlfriend, that insecurity [OMG I'm might have sex with him] should be gone. At that point it should be a question of not If, but When!

 

Over valuation isn't going to make things any easier and they're already quite difficult. if anything, you'll lose wonderful prospects simply because they are in better touch withtheir humanity, and thus not willing to wait out for a ridiculous old-fashioned moral ethic they don't and won't believe in.

[RougeKali823]

I truly understand the rampant STD rate now. Any who, just because you haven't had sex with your intended doesn't make you out of touch with humanity lol. That is a gross exaggeration. Furthermore, it's a personal choice and not exclusively an "old-fashioned moral ethic." I applaud anyone who's responsible enough to refrain from having sex as they are protecting their sexual health. Some of us have self-control and some of us don't. There's a reason that only a few end up leaders;it's incredibly easy to do what feels good without truly investing and so most common folk do so. Lastly-the emotional aspect-if it's always there-ought to be able to stand in prior to a failed libido's emergence. The sooner people admit that they simply can't control themselves and want to get off and stop using the "test drive for compatibility" excuse, the better off we'll all be. I'll admit that I've previewed his master bedroom and I'm confident that I've made the right choice and I look forward to getting in touch with his humanity . Exiting thread now

[greywolf]

I think there's nothing wrong with waiting to have sex. If people want to wait, then more power to them. I admire anyone that can stand up for their beliefs. However, I would not say that people that want to have sex early on are selfish. As long as no one is pressuring anybody into having sex, then it's a mutually pleasurable experience. As for the ED etc., that is assuming that sex is only about intercourse, which I don't believe it is. There are plenty of ways to be intimate without intercourse. I never missed intercourse while I was with a woman.

 

And I don't think that not refraining from means that someone has no self-control. Sex itself is not bad for people. It really depends on how someone feels about it and why they're doing it.

[Lonewing]

Ha...the ever present moral aristocrisy arguements?

 

One, I lost my virginity at 25, have only been with one girl but we were together for a while. Three months of knowing each other, and then..poof, sex. Great sex!!

 

There's being able to control yourself, and then there's "getting off." This attitude of yours speaks highly to me about your attitudes towards sex in general, and you probably only see is as an act and little more. the first time you discover there's something you LOVE in bed and your partner hates, is the first time you'll finally understand what all the hype is abotu sexual incompatibility, and how it's led to infidelity and ultimatley broke relationships. If they don't get it at home, they're bound to roam...it being emotion OR physical!

 

There's no substitute for sex. But it is not gold; it's more like water. There's plenty of ways to engage in sex in a responsible matter that doesn't compromise one's long term health. You have just as much chance hurting your sexual health by DRIVING as you do by having responsible sex. We do it because it's how we get to where we want to go!

 

As for STDs, you don't need sex to get STDs. A number of them are so happy to find new friends all you have to do is share a glass of water with an infected person. Chances are, you already have one and don't even know it. By older studies, HSV-1 and 2 are present in 4 out of 5 adults; by newer studies, 98% of adults have it. My brother once had a girl he was interested in who had a moral hardline against ever being with anyone who has an STD along wiht a number of other views on the whole thing. Now he has one, and like most people who have them, he's more educated on the topic of diseases, so he asked her to get tested. She called his bluff and did just that; Kettle turned black when she discovered she already had HSV-I...

 

The "wait" period, 3-5 months, it precisely what's to screen out these issues - the boys and girls who want sex and little else rarely keep up their game for more than a couple months, or lose interest and wander off. If you really want to test a boy you're with, have one of your really good looking girlfriends he doesn't know well test him by coming on strong to him. If he fails, you've lost nothing. If he passes, you know he's going to be fine. Of course, be well prepared as your girlfriend may be getting some and you might be pretty upset if they end up staying together for the long term; it's happened.

[carl69]

I think you should just wait and find someone who shares the same views as you.

Some one else might have said that but there are pages of comments and I don't have to much time to read all of them, but wanted to give that bit of advice!

[Sparkly Eyes]

For me, having sex early on doesn't have much to do with testing out our compatibility, but the fact that I need and want sex. I don't have to have intercourse to test our compatibility. If a guy can't make me comfortable enough to want to have sex with him around a month mark, I'm not sure how great that relationship would be. I would never wait 6 or even 3 months to have sex with a boyfriend, I have way too high of a sex drive to be able to do that. But each to their own

[Batya33]

People have drives for all sorts of things- they just choose how to react. It's cool to react to a high sex drive by having sex early on if it's two consenting single adults but wrong to presume that someone who chooses to wait has a lower sex drive than you do- it might be higher, but the person chooses to wait because he or she sees more of a benefit to waiting than giving in to the drive.

[OptomisticGirl]

This is the problem I have with people who decide to wait. They assume if you arent waiting you are just sleeping around witu anything that moves - that is how people get stds. I will not sleep with someone if I don't have a emotional connection with thrm, end of story, nor will I sleep with them until they are tested. You can a 'sex crazed frewk' andsyill be resposnsible.

 

If you want people to respect your choice to wait and not call you 'prude' then dont call the opposite side of the room wrong for their choice. Just hecause we don't wait doesn't meanness we dont have self control - it means we don't have that same priority as you do.

[Sparkly Eyes]

People have drives for all sorts of things- they just choose how to react. It's cool to react to a high sex drive by having sex early on if it's two consenting single adults but wrong to presume that someone who chooses to wait has a lower sex drive than you do- it might be higher, but the person chooses to wait because he or she sees more of a benefit to waiting than giving in to the drive.

 

I had been celibate for long periods of times before despite my sex drive, but at the time, I just wasn't dating anyone. I guess I just can't imagine how one can have a high drive and love sex and sees a guy he likes regularly but not want to do it. It could be possible tho.

[hc_afifan]

I have to be honest, I don't really understand the whole "testing out our compatibility" argument. That's like saying you couldn't marry someone who didn't like Italian food, when it's your favorite. Either you just don't share that part of your life with the person and deal with it on your own (not the best for a relationship, but still an option) or they should agree to compromise with you sometimes and go out for Italian food to make you happy, and expect you to do the same for them. We test compatibility in all kinds of ways, and while compatibility is important, it's not as important as the willingness to sacrifice for your partner from time to time to make them happy (because no one will ever be 100% compatible). If you're with someone who's selfish in bed, they'll be selfish in other aspects of their life too. You can see the willingness to compromise in all aspects of a relationship, sex doesn't necessarily make or break a relationship. And I'll say it again, your sex drive will fluctuate if your wife gets pregnant, or your husband's testosterone level drops or whatever else; you're not necessarily sexually compatible for life just because you are right now, which makes me think it's an unreliable way to judge your feelings and compatibility with your partner. I'm not saying it's necessarily better to wait (although it can't hurt) or you're wrong for not waiting, but I just think having sex to judge how compatible you are is a silly way to test the waters with someone...

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm not sure who bought up the 'testing out our compatibility' but for me that's not why I have sex. I have sex because I enjoy it. If my fiance had been bad in bed it wouldn't have meant I would have dropped him like a hot potato BUT I never would have started dating him if he was of the 'waiting' type. There is nothing wrong with waiting but at the same time, if that's what you want, then don't date someone who doesn't have that mind set and then scream 'omg! he should like me for who I am, not just wanting to have sex with me!' If you really want children would you start a relationship with someone who never wants kids? Of course not! So why on EARTH would you date someone if you don't want sex but they do?

[Aurora11]

So why on EARTH would you date someone if you don't want sex but they do?

 

That's a really good point. In my case, the reason why I tell them upfront is because that's the way I am. If they are not the same way, it's better off if we were friends. It's not a matter of respect or anything like that. If he thinks it's an integral part, good for him, but it's not for me. However, the problem is, a lot of guys tell me that it's okay and that they want to wait... then, it turns out that that was never the case and they felt like they could change MY mind. That's the frustrating part for me.

[Lonewing]

Well, if the only way we could get Italian was through our partner, and Italian was our ABSOLUTE favorite, and it just so happens that it's infidelity to get our Italian from any other partner, and this partner we're in a relationship with absolutely REFUSES to ever have Italian much less make it for us ... I DO believe that would be a pretty BIG deal breaker, Don't you???!!! And I'd probably like to know about this incompatibility BEFORE I dedicate the rest of my life with her, so I don't have to go back on my promises to stay with her forever, never cheat, or go against her will to take my Italian by force, just to get myself a little Italian to satisfy my unexplainable craving for good Italian!!!

 

The thing about sex is, people usually have uncompromisable positions on some sexual acts and not others, what they will do, what they will NOT do, and what they absolutely WILL NOT tolerate. If what you like is in the latter two categories, you are OUT OF LUCK, PERIOD. If they will not give it [even if others give it freely]; taking it against her will is a federal offense and a crime against humanity!! So this is one that's pretty darn important to get right, right out of the gate!!

 

Example? I like oral - both giving and reciveing. If I had to give one up, I'd give up recievingbefore I gave up giving. Guess what, there are a lot of women who don't like oral whatsoever, much less recieiving. And no, I don't see myself "growing out of this phase." Luckily for me, there are many women who do like oral, and some who like it both ways - so that is what I seek. This IS a "make or break" for me, having been in a relationship where the other person was very uncomfortable with recieiving. Experience this frustration once and you'll too understand.

[Lonewing]

That's a really good point. In my case, the reason why I tell them upfront is because that's the way I am. If they are not the same way, it's better off if we were friends. It's not a matter of respect or anything like that. If he thinks it's an integral part, good for him, but it's not for me. However, the problem is, a lot of guys tell me that it's okay and that they want to wait... then, it turns out that that was never the case and they felt like they could change MY mind. That's the frustrating part for me.

 

That's probably because they've been with people like you before who DID change their mind a couple months later...

[OptomisticGirl]

That's a really good point. In my case, the reason why I tell them upfront is because that's the way I am. If they are not the same way, it's better off if we were friends. It's not a matter of respect or anything like that. If he thinks it's an integral part, good for him, but it's not for me. However, the problem is, a lot of guys tell me that it's okay and that they want to wait... then, it turns out that that was never the case and they felt like they could change MY mind. That's the frustrating part for me.

 

I agree 100% and sadly, you do get those people who say it doesn't matter but then try to push you into it because it is important to them.. we call those people jerks. But yes, I think if you don't want sex or you do you should be totally up front about it, just like you would with the 'I do/I don't want kid' debate.

[Aurora11]

That's probably because they've been with people like you before who DID change their mind a couple months later...

 

Isn't that just as frustrating as someone saying that they're totally up for doing something kinky in bed... but when you actually get to that step, they utterly refuse and you realize they only said it so that you would be interested in them? What was the point of having that conversation if they think that they can just "change my mind?"

 

I mean... is it like some kind of challenge to them or something? If I'm "REALLY" good... then she will be so tempted that she will change her mind... what's the point to that?

[OptomisticGirl]

 

Example? I like oral - both giving and reciveing. If I had to give one up, I'd give up recievingbefore I gave up giving. Guess what, there are a lot of women who don't like oral whatsoever, much less recieiving. And no, I don't see myself "growing out of this phase." Luckily for me, there are many women who do like oral, and some who like it both ways - so that is what I seek. This IS a "make or break" for me, having been in a relationship where the other person was very uncomfortable with recieiving. Experience this frustration once and you'll too understand.

 

YES! My ex did not like to give me oral - although I loved giving - and I refused after we broke up to ever be with someone who wouldn't give oral again.

[OptomisticGirl]

Isn't that just as frustrating as someone saying that they're totally up for doing something kinky in bed... but when you actually get to that step, they utterly refuse and you realize they only said it so that you would be interested in them? What was the point of having that conversation if they think that they can just "change my mind?"

 

It's the type of person, the kind i like to call jerk. You just need to find someone who holds the same priorities as you do.

[Aurora11]

People have drives for all sorts of things- they just choose how to react. It's cool to react to a high sex drive by having sex early on if it's two consenting single adults but wrong to presume that someone who chooses to wait has a lower sex drive than you do- it might be higher, but the person chooses to wait because he or she sees more of a benefit to waiting than giving in to the drive.

 

TOTALLY agree!!! You totally nailed it right there. =)

[Aurora11]

The trick is I think becoming a better judge of character and finding great men, not making them wait tons of time.

 

Be that as it may, in my experience, men tend to fall in love with me very quickly, but after the honeymoon period, they also suddenly fall out of love very quickly as well. I don't know what happened in between. I have no idea what made them change their minds and often, all they could come up with was "the feeling just isn't there anymore." Unfortunately, most of my relationships start off wonderfully, then take a nosedive around the 3-6 month mark and don't usually last any longer. That's the reason there IS a time period for me... it's so that I know that he really likes me for who I am, not the fantasy of me that he was able to convince himself of. Since this has happened to me so much, it would be hard to convince me otherwise. BUT... it's not to say that other people feel the same way.

[Lonewing]

Isn't that just as frustrating as someone saying that they're totally up for doing something kinky in bed... but when you actually get to that step, they utterly refuse and you realize they only said it so that you would be interested in them? What was the point of having that conversation if they think that they can just "change my mind?"

 

I mean... is it like some kind of challenge to them or something? If I'm "REALLY" good... then she will be so tempted that she will change her mind... what's the point to that?

 

Hey, it was I who was refusing to give it up...Not because I was waiting, btu i felt strongly in my heart she wasn't right. But oh well, I went with it anyways.

 

My hunches about her as a person, yeah, they were right.

 

But the sex, albiet a couple small minor hitches, was AWESOME!! Now if she liked recieving, and I was a little kinkier [like rope or handcuffs, I get the feeling she might have been into both] we might have had MORE fun, but there's more than one reason we're not together now!

[Lonewing]

YES! My ex did not like to give me oral - although I loved giving - and I refused after we broke up to ever be with someone who wouldn't give oral again.

 

Oh, but she LOVED giving oral. She didn't even ask the first time, just Bam, yep, that's definitely oral [OK, so I guess she likes oral..yippee?]...that was a really good night... Punched the old Vcard in so many ways and places that night...

 

But anyhow...frustrating as heck as time went on...

[greywolf]

I have to be honest, I don't really understand the whole "testing out our compatibility" argument.

 

While I don't agree that it's something that needs to be 'tested' right away, I do think it is somewhat important. I have sexual preferences that are a little bit outside of the norm and very important to me, and I need to be with someone who is comfortable with it, or even better, likes it too.

[Batya33]

I think the issue is that what you're seeing as falling in love is the typical smitten/honeymoon period -are you agreeing to see the person too often -more than twice a week or so in that first month or two? It's good to keep your life going as normally as possible rather than getting too wrapped up with someone you really don't know yet so you can get to know him over a period of time.

[ReaRea]

Gah this topic scares me! I thought I was normal til I read so many opinions. Its sad to see how much importance people place on sex. I realize its important in a relationship and especially in marriage, but jeez within the first few months you hardly know someone! What is the rush? I cannot imagine having sex with a guy within the first 2 months of dating him (dating for me means seeing them 1-2 times a week so I guess thats pretty slow) unless I was very drunk. I actually tried dating 2 guys I liked that pressured me into having sex before 3 months into seeing each other and it was quite a turnoff for me. I want to mention that I am a relationship kind of person, but not necessarily looking for my future husband

 

I have had 3 boyfriends. The first one (highschool) we waited 8 months. The second one we waited 5 months. I have been with my current boyfriend 3 months and I would say its going to be around another month or so til we have sex. Maybe I have just been lucky, but all of my past boyfriends have been willing to wait and didnt walk because of it.

 

I am all for doing other physical/sexual activity, on a gradual basis of course, but not intercourse within the first few months...if I think Im not sexually compatible with someone I can tell based off of that. (there were 2 guys I tried to date, super nice, but I wasnt feeling it during this pre sex stuff) That study someone posted about waiting *at least* 3 months to have sex is right on in my opinion.

 

OP, you are fine...you just havent met the right guys yet. I want to heavily point out Im not religious or date particularly religious people. My current boyfriend (and past ones) have told me if a guy is into you, he will wait. My 2nd boyfriend had several one night stands before and after me and he waited and was fine with it. And if a guy doesnt wait for you- its just not right/he is not compatible with you or he isnt into commitment/wants something casual.