Is sex a really important part of a relationship?

[HeartGoesOn]

Thread opened.

[Inquirer89]

You should never throw your pearls to swine as they say. Stick to what makes you comfortable, to hell with what any guy thinks If he is worth being with he will respect wanting to wait and not push the issue or even let it become an issue. I, myself am not comfortable with having sex earlier than a month with anybody even though it has happened, but if I really like somebody I will wait at least a month or more because it allows me to build emotions and feelings toward that person rather than just hopping into bed on the first date or withing 2 weeks of knowing somebody. Sex without feelings is disgusting in my opinion, and I've been there, done that, won't go back to it ever again. You should guard yourself and find somebody who is willing to respect your wishes to wait until you are ready. I wouldn't come out and say you have to put a ring on it before I give up the goodies just plainly state, when it's the right time, that you won't have sex unless you are in a committed relationship even if you wish to wait til marriage, when that bridge comes you can cross it. Just let him know you aren't going to have casual sex with him and he should be ok with it if he's into you for more than just sex. But on the other hand, some men will move mountains to prove to you it isn't what they are after, 6 months later or even a year, you do the deed and he's gone. Really it's a 50/50 shot with any person. Talk is cheap..

 

I wish you luck and I hope you the best in finding a guy willing to wait for you

[Glowguy]

Not necessarily. Besides..I have seen many threads from married people who had great sex while dating and then after marriage the partner lost interest in sex. Test driving someone for sexual compatibility before marriage is absolutely no guarantee that sexual compatibility will remain after marriage.

 

Of course not, there are no guarantees when it comes to relationships. Would you ever buy a car without test driving it first? Would you ever sign a lease without looking at the apartment?

[DN]

I don't see why there is a debate about this. Some people prefer to wait, others prefer not to wait. IMO neither position is wrong. The person who wants to wait can do so and the person who does not want to can either accept that and wait or move on to someone else.

 

One thing people should not do is use the line "If you loved me you would wait/have sex with me" because the other person can say it back.

[Midgi]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 18 months; and we still have not had sex. Like we done other stuff and I told him that I am ready. (he has a lot of experience with other girls) but he told me that we waited that long, he can wait until he is married to me. Hopefully that will mean I get engaged first

[inyourshoes]

I stumbled upon this site, found this thread, and really just had to create an account to post my opinion on this.

I actually find it kind of ridiculous that such a topic is even being discussed. In my opinion, everyone is going to have different opinions, so I see trying to make our individual points on the matter over and over again sort of a waste of time and not beneficial to the question answered, either. I would never commend anybody for waiting or admonish them for moving too fast, or vise versa. It's all up to everyone's individual opinion.

 

I think the only answer here that can even be considered is that if you personally are not ready to have sex, then you don't. Sure, a relationship has to do largely with satisfying the needs of your partner and doing what makes them happy, in this case, having sex with them. But if making them happy means doing something you don't want to do, regardless of the fact that I believe this shouldn't make the other person happy, then I don't see any reason to do it. I don't think you necessarily need to give your boyfriend/girlfriend/whoever a specific time period, because I don't think knowing when you're ready is something that you can predict. But the bottom line, if you don't want to have sex for the reason that you're not ready, then why risk it? Why do something you don't want to do? Some people are ready earlier on, some rather later on. I don't think you should abstain because you don't believe the personal in question is loyal or just wants sex, but I do believe in not doing it until you're ready, simple as. I realize I'm rambling, so I'll stop, just want to reiterate that no one knows themselves better than their own self, so if you're not ready for sex yet, don't feel like you're doing your boyfriend an injustice by waiting. If you're not ready, then I don't really see why it's up for discussion. Sometimes there are times when you have to be selfish, because even though you might not regret doing it, you might, and looking back and knowing you regret having sex when you knew you weren't ready would kind of suck, if you ask me.

[uzerid]

at the start yes most important, after they are friends, less important, and when they are 60+ well not at all.

[capuccino83]

Sorry to hear that. I've been in this situation many times as well and know how frustrating it is. However, sex is not the issue here. Focusing on the role of sex in a relationship, in your situation, is like worrying about a bleeding finger when you've just been in major and traumatic car accident.

 

Again, I think you need to focus on picking 'relationship quality' guys because some guys might be great, but they are not relationship quality. If you can't maintain a guys interest longer than 3-6 months, then you are doing something wrong in your behavior and how you relate to the guy, sex being a small to non-existent issue for this. I agree with what another poster said is that often women use sex to make men jump through hoops and gain control because they are afraid of being hurt and feeling vulnerable. Not very attractive. Maybe this doesn't apply to you, but I'm certain there is something going on there, because at the end of the day, all relationships, whether sex is or is not involved are based on respect, communication and emotional connection. If they fizzle out, sex or not sex, you're missing one or more of the three.

 

My current bf and I did it at 2.5 weeks, after 8 dates. We've been dating for 5 months now, and at 5 months, this is the strongest relationship I've ever had. After a lifetime of relationships that began fizzling out at 5 months, I really put a lot of effort into solving my emotional issues that I believed where the ruin of those relationships and learning the red-flags of those types of guys. It was much more difficult to face rejection and abandonment issues than put a time stamp on when physical intimacy is allowed or not and saying a guy is a pig for not respecting me. And my relationships now are so different. My sex habits have remained exactly the same, I've boinked every guy at 2-3 weeks.

 

I'm not saying you should go out and sleep with every potential bf after 2 weeks, but you should realized that sex is not the issue - you are. Even if a guy was okay with waiting for years, if you can't create an emotional bond, he's not going to say past 3-6 months.

[Batya33]

I don't think anyone here is advocating putting a time stamp on when to have sex- people who choose to wait until they are comfortable don't have anything rigidly set in stone -at least I'm not sure why you would judge those people in that way or presume that there is some sort of rigid time stamp. In my experience I knew I needed to know someone and be serious with them at least 3 months and usually longer before I was comfortable having sex. And of course an HIV test isn't accurate until the person has abstained for at least 4 months so I wanted that to be accurate too.

I think early sex- especially if one of the people is not comfortable with having sex early on - can undo a developing bond. So can a pregnancy or STD scare when it happens before the couple really know each other well and have developed a strong bond.

[Lonewing]

at the start yes most important, after they are friends, less important, and when they are 60+ well not at all.

 

I've heard rumors that at 60 it's just as wild as younger years...I'm pretty sure we jsut don't think they do it becasue they're so gifted at making sure we don't know or find out!

[capuccino83]

Except that the problem with the OP is that ALL her relationships fizzle out after 3-6 months, according to all of her posts. And she's on here wondering whether it's because of her refusal to have sex, so now everyone focusing on whether it's okay to have sex or not, but it's totally distracting from the main issue - which is her relationships fizzling out. Either she's choosing very wrong men for her or isn't forming a longer-lasting bond with these guys. Sex, early or late, is not the issue here. Tons of people chose to wait and still get into long lasting relationships. Many people don't and get into long term relationships. This is a personal preference and neither is hindrance to a relationship if you are developing relationships with the right people that fit with your values. Telling the OP that she's right in waiting this long, or that she should not wait that long, won't do much for her love life, IMO, because I find it hard to believe that all genuine, nice and long-term minded men that she's met are losing interest that quickly and it's related to only to the fact that she's not putting out. Even if it is because this, it's a combination of the sex issue and something else.

 

PS Aurora - guys who fall in love very quick, often fall out of love very quick as well.

[Batya33]

Sex might be the issue if she is using it as a test and being manipulative. It's not clear. She really might be choosing wrong (which is still "about her" just in a different way). At some point it is not all bad luck I agree. It would be interesting if she could call some/most of them and ask for an honest appraisal of what went wrong.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Originally Posted by hexaemeron

 

Just to throw a bit more logic gasoline on the fire here, what do you bet this couple waited until marriage too?

 

 

Not necessarily. Besides..I have seen many threads from married people who had great sex while dating and then after marriage the partner lost interest in sex.

That would be me.

Test driving someone for sexual compatibility before marriage is absolutely no guarantee that sexual compatibility will remain after marriage.

True.