Inquirer89

edit: accidental dbl post

Here I am posting again to you J____ -- saying things I wish I could say. I had such a great time with you these past 2 weeks since you've said you wanted to hangout with me again. Here's what I can't wrap my head around and by venting here I know that I won't be judged, hopefully.. After dumping me on Easter morning and then 2 weeks ago you suddenly want to start hanging out, is pretty out of the blue. Do you miss me or what is it? You keep asking for me to come over, claiming at first it's because you have no other friends who can come over and hangout with you, that I don't believe, nobody is that busy that they can't hang out with you. You say how you're not looking to be dating and how much you enjoy being single, yet you continue to invite me over daily to spend time with me. I think you're deflecting and trying to make yourself believe something that isn't true. After about a week almost, you start to become affectionate again, if I am just a friend to you, you wouldn't be hugging up to me, kissing my forehead, watching me fall asleep next to you when I was too tired to drive home, for fear I would wreck my car -- I had so much fun that night with you You bring up being intimate again a few days later, which was only a few days ago, maybe 4. I tell you that I don't want our friendship to be ruined because we are having sex, you say we have already been with each other and nothing wrong with two consenting adults being intimate -- I tell you I don't want something that could be temporary based on this, and I am having conflicting feelings because I don't care what happens, because I want to be with you again -- things get misconstrued and you become upset though you claim otherwise. You claim that we can just be friends only, that I don't want things to be complicated and you will make sure they won't be -- you admit to caring for me more than just friends, and putting words in my mouth when I had no idea that's how you felt because I thought you didn't want things to be complicated -- yadda yadda, but we're ok now apparently. I am told that you wouldn't be putting all this effort into seeing me almost every day these past 2 weeks unless you saw us as more than friends, and I'm inclined to believe that, I hope the answer comes soon. I am not holding my breath though I keep hope that things will workout again, but I refuse to blindly believe that I will win you back for sure and set myself up for disappointment. I'm stronger than that.. God I love you, and I miss being yours. Loving you is making me do this dance and it scares me but I welcome it at the same time. I just hope that I'm lucky enough to actually luck out for once rather than have another relationship I have to write off for good. I do my best to be myself, I don't play games, I be the best person I can be and normally it's not enough or I've had to break off relationships because they were not working. I can't win for losing can I? I just wonder when I'm going to reach the point that I will be with somebody who isn't gonna dig out 6 months of less or me having to breakup because it just wasn't working. What we have together J___, is something special, we can talk for hours, everything about us together is perfect, but I don't know if you really see it. Maybe you see it now? Maybe you are just looking for fun to past the time, but I am stronger now, and if you were to just leave the picture again I won't be as hurt because I didn't let my guard down all the way again. The chemistry is there on every level, we click on every level, everything is great, I don't see the problem. I wish I knew all the answers..I wish so many things, I want so many things, why are so many of us so unlucky in love? I don't get it...

I feel like I'm on cloud 9 J____..but I fear it's only temporary so I am keeping my guard up while keeping up some hope. I'm happy you want to hang out with me again, we have hung out every day this past week and a half just about, you even freaked out on me admitting you don't want to be just friends, that whole conversation was just so full of emotion even though it wasn't as well. I didn't know you want things to get complicated, all that there is between us, I love you...I am crying here again out of sorrow and knowing that this could possibly be temporary and you may not be completely honest about what you said the other night but I have no reason to distrust what you are telling me because I never had any reason to before. I am also crying because I'm so happy to be able to be around you again, to look at you, to see you smile, laugh, conversate with you. So happy to be able to kiss you again, hug you, all that, I missed it so much you don't even know, I wish you did, I want to tell you but I know you don't deal with emotional things well and I've accepted that a long time ago. I accepted that you would show me what you feel rather than just tell me in words that way I know what you convey is truth rather than say nice things with no meaning or actions to back them up. All I see when I look at you is this amazing man, that I'm in love with and have no idea how I fell in love with you, but I did and this is just a crazy rollercoaster, I'll go to hell and back, go thru a ton of pain and more just have you in my life, that's how much I care about you. You claimed that I don't want complicated with you, when I do I don't know where you came to that conclusion, but I want that so much. I don't want anybody else but you, GOD all these emotions I don't know what to do about them, how to act with them, it's just so much mental stimulation I can't gather it all up. It's like trying to hold more water than a bucket will hold. I suck at communication I'm working on that I often say things that are confusing to everybody else but myself and I'm trying to work on that. J___..I don't know what to do except to be. I just hope this happiness I'm feeling right now doesn't end, that we reconcile, so much I want to tell you, I want to tell you all this I'm posting but it's not the best way to go about things with you because it'll just push you away because I know how you are. I want to say more, but I don't as well. I feel better now that I've vented some more getting it all out instead of using you to vent which means I wasn't keeping a clear head and letting my thoughts all come out like some flood and freak you out. I'm not keeping all my hopes up with you getting back with me, but everything seems to be headed in that direction as far as things look right now, but I'm taking it a day at a time J___. I don't want to keep my hopes up blindingly and get blindsided with another we can't do this anymore from you because I don't know what that would do to me, so I'm keeping some guard up while letting everything fall away, and just going with the flow. I think I will let everything go more than I did the first time around. Not worrying anymore about what could be instead of worrying about whats going on now and how to work with it. Focusing on the importance of living instead of what if. I love you and I need to just let go of what's holding me back each time. Just letting all the worry, and stressing fall away and letting things happen. I think you sensed a bit of my hesistance the first time and it might be why you actually broke up with me because I couldn't just let go and exist with you so I'm willing to do that now while keeping a straight head about things.... I know I will end up posting more of what I want to say to you here again, some of the things I wish you knew but can't because not enough time passing yet...

I feel like I'm going crazy J____... want to tell you so many things, ask you questions instead of wondering, but I know that could also be a bad idea.. I miss you, I want you back, I hope you know what you're losing out on.. I wish you knew how toxic things are between you and that girl by everything you've told me she's done. You confided in me that things were going great then she tells you to not contact her for 3 days to think about things and then decides she just wants to be friends. Do you not see through her games? what she's doing? I can see right through it and how it wont end well and you'll just end up hurt. I don't know why you gave up somebody you could be safe with. I wouldn't of ever done anything like that to you, I just don't understand why you flirt with me and act so into me, and are starting to initiate contact with me now. Asking to hang out, asking me when my next days off are, planning to spend time with me. Update me with your life, and all that.. We've been broken up with over a month, if you wanted to just be friendly you could have asked to hang out with me plenty of times but now out of the blue, all of a sudden you are making a full fledge effort to want to spend time with me by asking me when my days off are and all that. To me that seems you aren't just being friendly because you could have done this all this time but now only decide you want to do this.. Are you regretting breaking up? Are you testing the water to see if I'm still upset about you dumping me? Are you trying to gauge if things could still work out? Are you trying to see how things are just gonna go by hanging out with me and before bring up the question? So many possible answers but I won't be weak and ask you, I'll let you come to me if you want that. If i didn't still care for you I wouldn't want to hang out with you or attempt anything with you. I wouldn't say yes to you asking if I want to hang out with you. I think you saying you just don't want to be alone is bullscrap when you have a million other friends you could call to hang out and keep you company, you end up choosing me to hang out with and spend time with. So many thoughts, so many feelings..I don't think I'm sane anymore, I think I've lost my mind J____.. I go from hating you one day, missing you the next, crying my eyes out another day, wishing you were my boyfriend and sometimes all the feelings at one time not just one separate feelings each passing day. GOD why do I have to feel this way? Why can't i just say to hell with it all and move past all this and stop wondering, and worrying and thinking things that may/may not be there or ever happen or happen.. I love you and I can't tell you that, I wish you would just come out and say what you're feeling or at least discuss it or prod it into conversation. I want you so much, I want you in my life as more than a friend, I want to be yours and you to be mine so much. I want to be able to kiss you again, to wrap my arms around yur neck and bury my face into the knook of your neck, to breathe in your scent, to curl up in your arms again. To feel safe with you again, to be able to sleep next to you and wake up the happiest girl in the world because I got to see you there next to me..I miss being able to hold your hand, lay my head on your chest, or against your arm while we hang out on your smoke breaks in your car... To feel you hold me tight again, to kiss me on the forehead -- look at me and smile just to smile and when I say what? you say oh nothing and smile... I wish so many things..I want so many things.. I wish I would be lucky for once and be able to have what I want for once... Everything between us is so perfect, we're perfect together, everything in harmony but you decide you don't want to do us anymore..and I don't know if you are trying to work on going back down that path or not... So I unfortunately sit here and wait and see how things pan out and bide my time til I know for sure which actions I should take... God J____.. I MISSS you so much, my heart still stops everytime I see your face, my face lights up everytime I see you, and we still flirt like we always have, everybody around us can see whats between us but you won't act upon it. I'm either stupid or blind if I'm wrong about the signals I'm seeing from you. And people around us must be stupid or blind if they think it's just friendly behavior.. I don't know what else to say to you right now..but I've written a lot to you, more than to any person ever in my life that I was romantically involved with or interested in. I feel more for you than any other guy I've been interested in.. I don't think I'll ever get over you, I think you'll always have a place in my heart.. time will only tell what happens in the future or what paths we go down or what choices we end up making... but I hope things happen for the best... PS: I wish you would call me right now, tell me how you feel, every last emotion or thought on it..but I know you won't. I dream about you all the time you know? I dreamt one night that you texted me you miss me..it all seemed so real..I check my phone and then realize it really was a dream and I'm dumb for thinking you would text me you miss me. I think I'm holding onto some pipe dream that won't ever come to fruition, that saddens me. I don't know why I'm willing to put myself through this self torture, why I'm willing to go through all this pain or do anything of the things that I'm doing right now that everybody would normally tell me I'm stupid for acting on.. I miss you...so much... Right within arms reach, yet so far away, and I can't touch you

Here we go again J___... Another round of missing you, another round of wishing you would change your mind, come back to me, realize what you gave up, realize what life is without me. I don't text you but to wish you well and to just say hi, but I don't give you anything else. I don't give you updates on my life, giving you the satisfaction of knowing what my life is like without you. I don't really text you at all, it's like I don't talk to you at all, which is probably for the best. I'm healing, but I don't understand how you could give up somebody who would never play games, any games, mind games or otherwise. Wouldn't try to change you into somebody else, wouldn't stop loving you because you made a mistake. I would accept you for who you are, the good, bad and the ugly, willing to commit to you, which would be the first time in my life I knew I could actually be happy with somebody completely and know that I wouldn't try to change them like I did in the years past because I was young, stupid, naive, and had to have my cake and eat it too. I've grown, I know that in order to keep somebody you can't force them into doing something they don't wish to do. I would have given everything you ever deserved and more, but I guess you don't want that, you gave me up for somebody who just said sorry I don't want you anymore, I just want to be friends, and now you think yourself and idiot. Lied about her being a romantic interest because you weren't ready for something like that with me or even somebody else because you admit that you wanted to try things out with her, see how it goes, and she friendzones you. Maybe that was karm.. You gave me up for somebody you thought you could have something great with and you were wrong. I realize people make mistakes, but if you were to come crawling back I wouldn't be the same as I was when we were an item. I know that it will be very difficult for you to find something you could of had with me, because I know that the traits I have are rare in a mate, but I have them and unless you realize that you had it, but you chose to give it up because you thought the grass was greener on the other side, then I don't know if you ever will realize anything good in your life. I will forgive you should you come back, but don't expect me to let down my guard so easily this time, to trust you so easily this time, and understand I will be cautious with you and take things much slower than the first time because you may decide to chase somebody else and yet again give up something great. I won't live forever, I won't be around forever, if you don't want to be with me then don't ask to hang out with me, to see me, to keep you company when there's nobody else around. I love you but my love only goes so far and I won't be used and treated less than I deserve. So go ahead and feel what you feel, do what you will do, because nobody can stop you from making your own mistake, choices and suffering your own consequences for your own actions. Come out and say what you truly want, say it, let it go so the world knows.

It's been 31 days still love you and none of that has dissipated, I'm not sure I ever want to not love you. But I hate you too, I don't know how it's possible to love 'and' hate somebody at the same time. I find out that you are planning on moving away, and it makes me sad to hear that because part of me wants you to come back, wants you to say "I missed you..I"m so sorrry I hurt you, I still care about you! I miss the way you feel in my arms cradled against my chest..the way you kiss me and hug me". I'm getting stronger but I still look back and want to hurt again like I did after you BU with me a million times over just to experience what I had with you, to feel what I had with you. I know I miss you, your touch, your kiss the way you would hug me and hold me, miss waking up next to you and able to see your face, feeling safe, secure, and worry free. I became comfortable and I shouldn't have, but I just let it all go, I let all my walls down, I let you in completely, 100%. I blindly trusted you because of what you shown me. I fell for you hard, I fell for you faster than anybody I've ever been involved with. We clicked on so many levels, we are compatible on every level, everything about us was compatible and now I've lost somebody who I could of made happy. But you won't come back, if you wanted to you would have, if you wanted to be with me you would have never BU with. Sure we can be friends but it's not the same, we won't have any more special moments, you still look at me the same way. I know you still care for me but I don't know what's holding you back, I know you probably miss me but won't say it. You never really said too many sweet things, but when you did it was so much more special because I knew you meant them...It's hard losing something so beautiful, but then again it probably isn't as beautiful as I'm making it out to be because nothing is perfect, there is no such thing as something so beautiful as what I think I had with you..but god I miss it, miss it so much and I want to stop missing it. I am healing and I feel good about that, so somebody can come along and decide to keep me for good or much, much longer than you wanted to. But go ahead, go ahead and become "ready for something serious" when it happens, in whatever timeframe it happens in, and know that I am unique and you will probably come running back when it is too late like the last 5 did, but by then I will be very over you and not willing to risk more heartache again, or you may be the first person I ever give a second chance to. I don't want to give you a second chance because all it might be is regret, you may do the same thing again and I will be left a mess... I've never had so much to say to somebody without saying it to them, ever, in my life.. That in and of itself is the realization of what I truly feel about you and know I can never have it, withing arms reach, a phone call away even, but knowing, even if I may hope it, that you won't ever call, won't ever say those words, never tell me you miss me or anything. I am crying as I am writing this, and I don't want to feel, but I believe it's better to feel pain, this heartache, to go through this healing than to never ever felt what I had with you, I would give anything to feel like this again with somebody instead of everything I felt in the past with others, just doesn't amount to what I've felt with you and I don't know how long it will be until I feel for somebody like this again or if I will feel something better, and more with somebody..I just don't know...So I spill my heart into this thread because there is no point in telling you all this J____..because you would never respond, I would get nothing but silence for whatever reasons. I post here because it feels better to get it all out instead of keeping it all in, to have this emotional release, without judgement, without ridicule, without biased opinions, without laughter, without being told how much of an idiot I am for feeling this way, for offering to remain friends and keep the friendship alive when I know it will just be poison, but I know I had nothing else to lose. Everybody else I am BU with whether I am the dumper or the dumpee I always ignored them after the fact, never spoke to them again and cut them out of my life because it was safer that way..I could heal the only way I knew how..withdrawing from everything until I was ready to come out and talk about it, never offering the friendship to remain after because it is unfamiliar..but against sound advice from sane people I will trudge into the post BU friendship relationship realm, forging the river of pain and suffering, going through the wilderness of confusion and wondering, just to keep that person in my life whether they are just a friend or more. Some may find this desperate, and needy but I am neither the type, I'm just in love..in love with a man who has unrequited feelings for me. But I do thank you J___, for allowing me to know such passion, and feeling and emotion with what we had, if it wasn't for you I would maybe of never felt anything like that. I may of never connected with anybody else like I connected with you. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't of never known I could go to such great lengths for somebody, never known any of the things I've realized, learned and experienced with you. I will always love you for that, and hate that it won't be my life I will be sharing with you in the future. Maybe..just maybe after I've grown stronger and stronger, and fall out of love with you that I will realize all the things about you that wouldn't of made our relationship work and that makes no sense to me because I knew everything negatived about you yet I continued to be involved with you because I cared and I would look past any of your faults forever.. And forever I will remain without you..maybe for the best..I don't know, but I know that whatever happens I'll know it happened for a good reason.

God I want to hate you so much! I want to say horrible things about you! I want to hate you with every piece of my being because of how I feel about you, I want to be numb of this pain I want it to disappear to vanish. I wish there was a magic remedy for this so I can quit being crippled on the random days it happens. I want to say that you treated me horribly that you were the worst guy I've ever be involved with...but I can't and that's what hurts the most, I can't use my normal route to healing, anger.. You treated me so good, better than anybody else did, you showed me what it's like to be adored, treated as an equal, hugged, kissed and held even when I was sleeping, I knew you were there next to me and I was safe, and safe in your arms, knowing nothing else mattered. Now it's gone, seems like only yesterday, I miss you so much, this hurts a lot and I wish it didn't. You didn't push me away when I wanted to be in your arms, cradled against your chest, you didn't reject my affection like the others have and I miss it so much. I wish you would change your mind, I wish you wouldn't change your mind. But on the other hand I feel what I've already posted here..I wish I could tell you all these things but I won't because I know I'll be rejected or receive no answer at all and it would hurt even more because it's more fact shoved in my face that you don't want to be with me because if you did you would be with me...

Dear heartbreaker: At first when I met you, I wasn't so sure about you. I didn't have a passing thought of anything else than some guy I met while out with my cousin even though she is the one who made you go there in the first place. I thought you were shy, a bit reserved, and kinda cute. I kept looking over my shoulder every chance I could get to get a read on you because I was only curious. After we all left and you followed us home to make sure we were safe, we had a few good words, a nice conversation just to break the ice. After I left your presence that night I asked her about you but that's as far as it went. After our first date it was amazing, had a blast, the time of my life, lots of laughs and good conversation, perfection. We hung out lots and lots of times, enjoying each other's company, learning more about each other..then it got to the point where we would exchange sweet words and discussions. After becoming comfortable with you and knowing you well enough and understanding that you wouldn't be going anywhere because I knew you were looking for a serious relationship from the get-go, I did something ever so stupid..I slept with you. Words became sweeter, things became closer..then weeks afterwards finally slowed down... Less talking, less hanging out, less from you. I didn't say a thing because I was happy with the way things were headed. You acted like my boyfriend, PDA, everything, kissing me in front of your coworkers/friends, hugging me. Spending all your smoke breaks with me way past the time alotted. You then became disinterested, ignoring texts, making excuses..then you dump me on Easter, early in the morning, through text with some reason that made no sense and wasn't at all true! Did I not deserve a dump in person? Was I not good enough for you? Did I deserve the disrespect that comes with a dump in text instead of in person? Were you too afraid to freakin face me while you dumped me? Were you not man enough to admit the real reason why you broke it off? Was I not pretty enough? Was my morals and and values and qualities not good enough? What was so bad about me that you didn't want to be serious with me? You ignore me towards the end, distance yourself, and then have the gall to want me to still contact you after you wanted to break it off? Becoming offended I mentioned saying goodbye forever like you really didn't want me to disappear?!?! Yeah, good for you, I"m happy you probably found somebody else but couldn't tell me and be honest and play games. If you never wanted to become serious don't make up the excuse in the end that you weren't ready for it..if you weren't you wouldn't of gotten involved in the first place!!! Why waste my time? Allow me to develop a lot of deep feelings for you? To fall in love with you? Only to say Oh I changed my mind sorry and not feel a thing? Did you even really care for me like you said you did? Did you even mean all those sweet and endearing things that nobody should lie about? Was I just a plaything in your game of breaking hearts? Why do I still care about you? Why am I still in LOVE with you? Why can't I get over you when it's always been so easy to get over everybody in the past? I hope you have your cake and eat it too!! I would of never hurt you, never lied to you, cheated on you, I would have treated you how you deserved to be treated. I would have been the best thing that ever happened to you..it was only 2 months, did I not deserve anymore time to prove to you that I wouldn't of hurt you ever like all the rest in the past? Are you really that emotionally unavailable to run scared when you feel things are going down the serious path? Are you that much of a commitment phobe? I don't know the answers to any of these questions..but it hurts though not as much as it did a month ago..but I hope you realize what you gave up... I hope you regret hurting me, and lieing about your feelings that apparently just vanished or changed when your behavior said the opposite..I had to start initiating contact, I had to offer to hang out, I had to ask to see you, when your roommate was coming home I was told I had to leave, were you so ashamed to have me around you couldn't even introduce me to your roommate? Did I not deserve to be treated like somebody you cared about? Everything was so perfect between us, perfect chemistry, great conversation, nothing amiss, and you let it go downhill and then blindside me with a breakup...This is your loss, you lost somebody great, the next person will realize what you didn't and probably still won't, but I hope you do, I hope you realize what a stupid mistake you made. I will move on to be happy, you will keep finding the same kind of women who kept breaking your heart every time. Karma will come back and bite you. You will meet somebody that you feel the way I feel about you, and then she will do the same you did to me and you will be left wondering.. You told me that I make you forget all the bad things when you're with me, that it's like we're all alone when you're with me because all there is, is me. You told me so many things but I guess you lied about them because you just decided to throw it all away. You said you don't lie but I don't believe that because everything you said you felt, that you felt a lot, deep feelings, those don't go away in a couple weeks, so if they are still there you're lieing about them vanishing or you just lied from the very beginning. You deserve to lose me because you threw me away so easily. I love you and I don't know why, there was no reason why I should love you and it might take me a long time to get over you, but I hope I do get over you because I don't ever not want to get over you..because that's no way to live..loving somebody that will never love you back and hindering me from finding happiness with somebody else. I want to meet somebody who will cherish me and my feelings for you be gone. You really hurt me, you did a number on me, I knew you less time than my previous boyfriend and I still feel more for you than I ever did for him and I have no idea why and I hate it.. P.S. So much for giving a guy a chance I normally wouldn't give a chance to any other day that happened to be a nice guy...So much for there being a true nice guy! I go outside of what I usually look for and I get it thrown back in my face. go figure... Sincerely, Myself..