Boyfriend Groped Me While Sleeping

[iBroken]

Wow - well said ersatz.

 

So Im gonna have to say that this morning, I woke up to my beautiful partner and decided that i wanted to cuddle with her and feel her body. So i hit the snooze button and nuzzled in behind like I do every morning. Then, I ran my hands and fingers up and down her legs, I touched her butt, rubbed her tummy, moved up to her breasts, then her neck, her face and back down. I kissed her back. I did this for about 15 minutes

 

To some this might be sexual but to me, it was my way of appreciating my partners prescense and beauty. While I might have been getting turned on at the thought of what it could turn into, my intent this morning was not to molest her in her sleep, or try to get frisky before work but to let her know that I loved waking up to her in the morning, and that I loved who she was, and how she felt. I am a very physical person. And she knows the meaning behind my various touches. My partner allows me to touch her so long as it doesnt violate her in anyway....these are the boundaries we have established.

 

On the flip side of the coin, while boundaries are in place, I have woken up to the two of us engaging in sexual activity. Most of the time she says it was instigated by me! LOL Ive been known to touch or fool around in my sleep. If she is not interested, she says no and lets me know its not allowed. If she is okay, or if I am not crossing anylines, she allows the behaviour to continue.

 

The "rape" terminology might be a bit far fetched, but I do agree that if you were not in the mood, you have been violated to a degree.

 

The real issue here is that you do not like your boyfriend. So please take the advice given to you here and in the other threads, and walk away.

[Sanesoul]

I don't disagree that she shouldn't be doing those things with him if they want to not be sexual, but how is she baiting him?

 

Unless she was dressed provacatively with her breasts rubbing all over him, I don't see how this is the case.

[FarthestEdge]

Wait- They're ENGAGED?

 

(And yes, I quoted this entire post just for that....It's a good read, and the OP should read it again...)

[agent1607307371]

For everyone saying she's a penis tease, why is he showering and sleeping with HER when he's the one who said no sex?

 

It cuts both ways.

[Seraphim]

For everyone saying she's a penis tease, why is he showering and sleeping with HER when he's the one who said no sex?

 

It cuts both ways.

 

Yeah they BOTH do but she is abdicating hers all the time and solely blaming him at every turn.

[FarthestEdge]

This is my point. What is described above is loving intimacy, not rape. Is THIS what the OP'S boyfriend did? Or did he try to remove her panties and climb on top of her? HUGE, MASSIVE difference. Frankly, I don't understand why anyone would want to be engaged to someone they didn't want touching them in that way, or to someone who didn't WANT to touch them in that way..

 

Yeah, the guy sounds like a bit of an adolescent creep. He CAN control himself, he CHOOSES not to... But this whole thing sound so highschool to me. "Quick she's asleep!" "Oh that feels good, but we said we wouldn't. I don't want to be a bad girl, so I'll just pretend I'm sleeping. That way I'M still innocent..." kind of thinking...

 

Its wrong on a multitude of levels. There is nothing healthy going on here, and the OP is as guilty as he is for creating/maintaining a dramatically dysfunctional relationship.

 

Sorry WW. I just can't figure out WHY you are on this path...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

We still don't really know what he did. Did he simply caress her body, on top of her clothes? That's 'minimal' sexual contact IMO

 

Caressing breasts, butt and vagina is "minimal sexual contact"...nope...he didn't just kiss her on the cheek (on the face) when he assumed she was asleep. Lovingly caressing the body would be caressing the arms or giving a hug..not fondling breasts, the butt and the vagina. That is fondling for the purpose of sexual interaction, not for the purpose of being loving. I don't care how many people have relationships where they are fine with this, it doesn't mean that EVERYONE must be fine with it or else it is abnormal. As I said before, people have different boundaries....and these boundaries need to be respected and the argument that "everyone else does it therefore that should be what everyone should expect" is not appropriate. The masses do not have place in the bedrooms of individual couples...what the masses may do may not be appropriate for certain couples or certain individuals.

[Cognitive_Canine]

But what the OP may expect may be preventing her from having a healthy relationship.

[Applewhite]

Somebody asked a smart question that I don't believe was answered.

 

You can't possibly touch the breasts, butt and vagina at the same time. So she was sleeping, he touched one (at most two) of them. Then she realized this but continued being 'asleep' and then he touched the other. Why didn't she stop him?

[Seraphim]

I can see that point CAD. HER responsibility lies though in the fact she is sleeping in the same bed as a man she clearly despises, even though she says otherwise. She stays quiet instead of reaffirming her boundary of do not touch me. None of this would have happened had they BOTH slept in their own bed if they want no sexual contact. This would have been hard to happen while sleeping in your own bed alone. There are blurred boundaries all over this relationship, huge red flags on her part and his and has train wreck all over it. Neither of them want to be responsible for anything and want to blame the other when it turns out bad.

[orchidrose]

That is fondling for the purpose of sexual interaction, not for the purpose of being loving. I don't care how many people have relationships where they are fine with this, it doesn't mean that EVERYONE must be fine with it or else it is abnormal.

 

For many couples, sexual interaction and loving are one in the same in this respect.

 

There's just a difference of opinion here.

[browneyedgirl36]

I haven't seen any replies from WW on this thread, but I hope she's reading.

 

WW, my response to this is the same as it was on other threads of yours awhile back: I don't think this is the guy for you, and I think you know that. I think you have done a lot of talking yourself into being "into" this guy when in fact you really aren't. It's OK if you're not really into him, but for your sake and for his, don't stay with him for the wrong reasons. At this point, I think you are. From day one, you have been unsure about him, and many of your threads about him seem to consist of you trying to talk yourself into loving him and wanting to be with him, all the while pointing out all sorts of reasons that make it clear to others who read your posts that, in fact, you probably shouldn't be with him. If you have to try so hard to convince yourself that he is right for you, he isn't -- plain and simple.

 

In regard to the groping thing: I have to agree that if you're trying to abstain from sex, you should not be sleeping in the same bed, showering together, etc. People CAN control themselves, but it is definitely difficult to do, and if abstaining is really what you want, it's best not to put yourself in that situation.

 

Also, I don't think that touching someone while they are asleep, or half-asleep, is such a bad thing, but that is my own personal preference; obviously, to have sex with an unconscious person is just wrong, but I never had a problem with my ex waking up and groping me a little -- I liked it, but if I had not, and I had asked him not to keep doing it, he would have respected that and not done it again. B's repeat performance after you asked him last time not to do that, to me, is disrespectful. He CAN control himself; he just chooses not to, and that says something about him, for sure.

 

I hope you will take all of this into consideration. B is not being respectful of your wishes, and that, added to the fact of you having all sorts of other issues with him, really suggests to me that you two are extremely incompatible. I hope you will at least consider this.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I can see that point CAD. HER responsibility lies though in the fact she is sleeping in the same bed as a man she clearly despises, even though she says otherwise. She stays quiet instead of reaffirming her boundary of do not touch me. None of this would have happened had they BOTH slept in their own bed if they want no sexual contact. This would have been hard to happen while sleeping in your own bed alone. There are blurred boundaries all over this relationship, huge red flags on her part and his and has train wreck all over it. Neither of them want to be responsible for anything and want to blame the other when it turns out bad.

 

Exactly. As I've said before, we don't know what is appropriate behavior between WW and her BF. Do they consensually "grope" each other when awake? I assume they kiss...but that's never been mentioned either. We simply don't know. What we do know is that he groped her once while she was "sleeping" and she later asked him to not do it again. She didn't stop it while it was happening. He did it again. Again, she didn't stop it while it was happening. They're both at fault here. Of course, this would have been solved by not sleeping in the same bed...but neither of them appear to be interested in solving anything.

[hexaemeron]

Ersatz and FE - you did all the work for me, thank you. My only question to you, WW, is... if you didn't like it, why didn't you stop it? Why didn't you just say "No" and roll over. Or have a discussion with him there that it wasn't appropriate in your view?

 

I can't imagine you were paralyzed with fear. This is not rape. I have been raped. I had control absolutely ripped from me with drugs I didn't know about and didn't consent to only to wake up to someone roughly penetrating me to passing back out and waking up in a pool of my own vomit on my front porch in the first dawn rays of the morning. THAT is rape.

 

You not doing anything to stand up for yourself doesn't = rape. It equals you choosing to give your power to other people and then complaining when they use it.

 

I think the expiration date on this relationship is long-past, WW. He disrespected your wishes, and that's wrong. But what he did was not rape. If you want change, then BE change. Don't just lie there and avoid it only to come here and complain about something 1000% within your own control to handle.

[DN]

Anyway, he had groped me and masturbated me before (last month) while I was sleeping. He didn't know I was actually awake. I told him I was angry at him and he better never do that again.

If you were awake how did he manage to go so far as to both grope and masturbate you before you stopped him?

Well, this morning, I felt him touching my breasts, vagina, butt, feet, etc.

Same thing here - how could he have done all of this without you stopping him and/or getting out of bed.

 

I guess I don't understand the dynamics of this - were you frightened of him physically? And if you were, why would you put yourself in a position where he could do that again?

 

Sexual assault is a very serious charge to make.

[sophie274]

If you were awake how did he manage to go so far as to both grope and masturbate you before you stopped him?

 

Same thing here - how could he have done all of this without you stopping him and/or getting out of bed.

 

I guess I don't understand the dynamics of this - were you frightened of him physically? And if you were, why would you put yourself in a position where he could do that again?

 

 

I would also like to know the answers to these questions. Were you testing him, wanting to see how far he would go before he restrained himself? I also feel like in the first situation he must have realized you were awake. It's hard for me to imagine someone sleeping through that.

 

I hope you'll come back to this thread and answer these questions.

 

My other question is, what is your plan of action? To stay if he gets counseling?

 

Regardless of my personal judgment of the situation, I can say without a doubt that if I felt as if my boyfriend of four months (whom I had many serious reservations about and had already tried to break up with twice) had RAPED me, if that is how violated I felt by what he had done, I would be out of there.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

But what the OP may expect may be preventing her from having a healthy relationship.

 

I am not quite sure I understand what you are referring to. If you are referring to not wanting to be groped while sleeping I would say that people can indeed have a healthy relationship even if they don't want to be groped while sleeping. In fact, I will go one step further and say that I personally don't think ALLOWING someone to grope you when you are unconscious is a very healthy and self-respectful thing. I personally don't think ALLOWING someone to grope you while unconscious brings people closer..it simply allows someone to do what they will with your body when you are completely unconscious to the world. "Hmm, Betty is asleep and I feel horny...I will just touch her breasts and rub her vagina and then masturbate and then I will feel so much better." When someone wakes up, they are also in a state of grogginess and the reaction time is not as quick...so many of you may go "hmm this is nice" because you are still groggy and in that state of grogginess and comfort, it does feel nice..but it still amounts to someone starting something sexual with you when you are not fully aware.

[Seraphim]

How long does groggy last though? When I have been touched in my sleep I wake up immediately and say, uh OK that is great or hey no thanks. It does not take to be touched in 5 different places and then give the person time to get it on with them self for me to wake up and say HEY wat up?.

[greywolf]

Is that really true? I can honestly say it's not something I've ever done, and nor is it something I'd expect most people to do. As far as I can see, it amounts to sexual activity without specific consent.

 

I dunno... I'd be disappointed if my partner never groped me...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

How long does groggy last though? When I have been touched in my sleep I wake up immediately and say, uh OK that is great or hey no thanks. It does not take to be touched in 5 different places and then give the person time to get it on with them self for me to wake up and say HEY wat up?.

 

Everybody's groggy is different. Some people can be fully awake at the slightest thing while others can sleep through anything or be too tired to react to anything or have things fully register. I have woken up from a deep nap when my phone would ring and would have a conversation with someone knowing full well what I am saying but still being in a very dazed and groggy state of mind that my thought processes are not as sharp.

[Seraphim]

Ok but CAD, you think she has NO responsibility in this at all? I agree he was disrespectful on many levels. I do not think she was raped though.

[misssmithviii]

How long does groggy last though? When I have been touched in my sleep I wake up immediately and say, uh OK that is great or hey no thanks. It does not take to be touched in 5 different places and then give the person time to get it on with them self for me to wake up and say HEY wat up?.

 

Agreed.

I think they're both trying to do something they find difficult here. She's pretending to be asleep when she could just assert herself (and that's her problem for not taking responsibility for her own body). He's not controlling himself when they clearly talked about it.

 

To my man, I don't have to be wearing anything kinky to turn him on... he just sees me sometimes and goes "holy you're hot". I'm not teasing him, but the fact of the matter is, we're strongly sexually attracted to each other. Keeping her goods under lock and chain while he's wanting to express his love for her sexually and find release, seems like a recipe for disaster in a relationship if you ask me. They're on two different pages here... and that never works well for a healthy relationship.

If it's not ok to be touched in her sleep or in the shower or whatever, then she should scold him for doing so the moment she's conscious and he should keep his hands to himself - but how is that intimate? If he can't do it, and she can't tolerate it - then call it done.

 

Once again, they need to get on the same page here, they need to figure out their expectations and boundaries or else it'll just be drama, drama, drama on both sides.

[FathomFear]

I see this as pretty clear cut. Rape is not somehow more or less understandable depending on how well the victim knows the perpetrator. Being someone's boyfriend or girlfriend does not mean you sacrifice your ability to content to sexual activities. What the OP is, unquestionably, rape--and would easily pass as such in a court of law by any definition I've read. What makes it even more clear is that she set ground rules and he did it again.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I dunno... I'd be disappointed if my partner never groped me...

 

The difference is that you have never told him not to...

 

As for the OP, I do think that he disrespected you and your boundaries and I also think that you are very naive thinking that you can sleep near to your partner without him wanting to do anything with you. Any red blooded healthy man would be aroused by sleeping near a woman he likes and is attracted to. I also have read your other threads and it just seems like you are settling in this relationship big time.Time to wake up.

[Seraphim]

Would it pass in a court of law??? I am not so sure on that. Statutory rape was committed against me 100 times when I was 13 and you know what, the opposing lawyer will rip you to shreds. I stood in court and Chester the molester walked believe me NOTHING is clear and dried.