Boyfriend Groped Me While Sleeping

[Cognitive_Canine]

I completely understand that. I do not think husbands and wives are exempt from rape or sexual assault charges. I understand where you are coming from.

 

But, I just don't feel that that is the case here. What the OP's boyfriend did was wrong. The OP told him not to after it happened the first time and he did it anyway because he wouldn't think he'd get caught. Let me put it this way, i am not comfortable with anal play. If my boyfriend started putting his fingers in that area, I'd tell him 'no'. If he kept doing it, I would consider him a jerk and contemplate breaking up. 'No' means no. However, I wouldn't consider it rape or sexual assault. More like not listening or not respecting.

 

However, Womanwriter is definitely making some serious mistakes in this.

[sophie274]

WomanWriter, I don't know if you plan on coming back to this thread, but I think it would really help us help you if you clarified some of the details or answered some of these questions.

 

Have you decided what you are going to do? Did you see your boyfriend at church? Have you two discussed this?

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

The OP will not leave him and often tells us not to suggest it as it is out of the question. I highly doubt she is looking to press charges so the rape discussion is pointless. Only the relationship and behaviors matter in this case, not legal minutia.

[Capricorn3]

Why didn't you say something or stop him once he had his hands on your boobs? Why did you let him go as far as touching your butt and vagina afterwards?

 

You just laid there awake and let him do all this to you?

 

Why not open your eyes jump up and scream at him to get his hands off you?

I haven't read all the replies, but I'd like to know the answer to the above questions too.

[Catdancer]

I would also like some clarification from the OP on the questions already asked.

[FathomFear]

Let me put it this way, i am not comfortable with anal play. If my boyfriend started putting his fingers in that area, I'd tell him 'no'. If he kept doing it, I would consider him a jerk and contemplate breaking up. 'No' means no. However, I wouldn't consider it rape or sexual assault. More like not listening or not respecting.

 

I don't see those as being exclusive titles, though. I would say he's guilty of assault and also guilty of not listening and not being respectful. You said "I don't want <...>" but he did <...> anyway. He has no right to do that. A spade is still spade, even if you don't find it overly traumatizing.

[SapphireNoir10]

I think its just wrong. You should be able to sleep in a bed with a partner and not have them touch you up.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I agree, there are many things this statement could apply to. You should be able to, but if there is risk, where is your responsibility to self protection? Scolding and guilt trips have not been effective, he is not in the mode of comprehending those things. Luckily she has control. For her well-being she should exercise it by either discontinuing their sleeping together or better yet, given their past... Just leaving.

[SapphireNoir10]

I agree, there are many things this statement could apply to. You should be able to, but if there is risk, where is your responsibility to self protection? Scolding and guilt trips have not been effective, he is not in the mode of comprehending those things. Luckily she has control. For her well-being she should exercise it by either discontinuing their sleeping together or better yet, given their past... Just leaving.

 

Agreed. He obviously can't contain himself. Therefore sleeping in the same bed as him now you know he does this is putting yourself in 'danger' of this happening. I'd leave him. He sounds like a whole lot of trouble

[Miss Firecracker]

Well, I guess I shouldn't bother but..............

 

Sounds like a good excuse to do what you should have done LONG AGO!

 

In general, it's a good idea not to sleep with someone you don't love.

[Lamour detruit]

Two different issues here.

 

1. The issue you presented: him groping you as you sleep. As with most things, there is a dividing line here. Personally, I feel when having a girlfriend, she could feel me up any time of the night. And I would let her know that, and that is the important thing: knowing beforehand what is acceptable and what is not. If I was told I shouldn't, I wouldn't. But personally, I'd have no issues with it. If you have told him that it shouldn't be done, he should have respected that. However, you can kind of expect touchy feely things when sleeping in the same bed.

 

2. Your relationship with this guy. Shall we think of some words ?..unhealthy, ridiculous, absurd, annoying..and much more. All I see is a bunch of blah blah every single time you make a thread about this guy. If you're not willing to leave him, that is your problem. Your relationship won't work out, period. If you want to argue that point, go at it, but by now its pretty obvious regardless of what your priest says or what not.

[Perfect Dark]

It is wrong that he did that when you said no but I am thinking you kinda enjoyed it because you didn't tell him to stop (not including rape victims) and there is NOTHING wrong with enjoying sexual stuff with your boyfriend. I think you feel guilty for enjoying it.

 

Your relationship sounds awful, why stay? I don't understand why people stay in horrible relationships for the sake of it, it's like a form of self harm. There is nothing wrong with being single.

[WomanWriter]

Ok, here I am...original OP...to answer your questions (I can't believe this thread got so many responses)! Thank you all for your thoughtful responses on different aspects of this subject. It definitely provided some food for thought.

 

To clarify:

 

1. We aren't engaged. He wants to marry me, though. Maybe you guys are getting confused with my ex fiance that I was with for the last 7 years...?

 

2. I specifically told him the night before that I did not want him touching me in bed. He agreed. In fact, it was his idea originally...and I wanted to communicate before we slept in the same bed that he, in fact, still agreed. He broke that agreement.

 

3. Yes, we slept in the same bed, but that does not give him license to do whatever. My ex fiance used to do that, but I never told him not to. There is a difference because I gave consent with my ex, but not with my current bf.

 

4. No, I did not lie there and take the touching. When I felt him touching me, I was groggy and barely realized what was going on. It was like a dream state. But once I did realize it, I pushed him away from me. The touching did not all happen at once. I stopped him by pushing him away from me. Then later, I felt him touching me somewhere else. Again, I pushed his hand away and said "NO." Then finally, I told him I was really angry. Granted, I should have gotten out of bed the first time it happened, but I figured that pushing him away would remind him. It obviously didn't.

 

5. I am not going to court over this and I don't think of it in the usual "rape" sense.. However, he did violate my boundaries after I specifically told him NOT to. Again, I wasn't inviting anything by sleeping in the same bed as him. We had an agreement. It doesn't make it okay to touch me if I sleep with my girlfriends or family members, so it doesn't make it okay just because he's my boyfriend...especially when we already discussed it.

 

6. No, I'm not writing a novel about this or doing a study. : o) Yes, I do have a lot of drama in my life and I know it. Maybe someday you will see a novel on all this, but don't hold your breath .

 

7. Dubya Dubya? That's plain wrong, but whatever...I know I invited it!

 

8. I think my main problems are 1) I am not assertive enough (I don't make it clear enough how serious I am, so I let people treat me like garbage) and 2) I stay with this guy because of what I can get and it would be really lonely otherwise.

 

9. You guys are probably right that this is a rebound. I lost my ex fiancee last year and still miss him. I felt what we had was real love, but I can tell that this relationship with my boyfriend is not real love, even though I guess I wish it were. The thing is, I really did like B (current boyfriend's) friendship. I liked hanging out with him and talking and just having fun.

 

10. What am I going to do about it? For now, I can tell you that I am putting a lot of space between us. I did not go to the church outing yesterday (called the director) because I did not want to be around B. I will not be seeing him tonight at choir practice and will only be attending the services on Sunday that he will not be. I will have to face him, eventually, because we have too many commitments and it's irresponsible to avoid them because of this guy, but I want to take space as much as possible.

 

Part of me wants him to call me or show up at my house with a sincere apology. He did admit that what he did was wrong, but he did not apologize or show remorse for what he did...and that hurts. He was nice to me after it happened, but I think he was just sucking up and trying to get on my good side.

 

It's sad, because we have plans and commitments (not marriage but trips planned, church activities we do together, etc.).

 

All in all, if he was genuinely remorseful, I would wish to be friends because we had fun together most of the time...except when he would do something stupid like this. I know it sounds like I hated him, but I didn't hate him...just hated a lot of the stupid things he did. I don't think he's relationship material, but he was a fun friend when there was nothing sexual involved. It hurts to lose a friend/activity partner. We actually had a lot in common on a purely interest and goal level.

 

I can't change him, so I'm just going to stay away, see if he feels any remorse for any of this, and if I don't think he does, then I guess friendship is out too...I know I shouldn't even want to be friends...it's just how I feel because we got attached...you know how it is...

[jettison]

I have to be honest when I say that I think that there is a whole lot of denial and projection going on here. How can any modern woman possibly think that it was ok to sleep in the same bed as the guy who is not only lustful toward her but is so into her that he's talking marriage and NOT expect that he's going to have sexual feelings toward her? Did you really, truly believe that was possible?

 

The naivety present here is pretty significant. Of course he's going to "grope you" which is just a sinister way of saying "of course he's going to want physical bonding with you because that's how he feels emotionally toward you. You are taking something completely natural and normal, and twisting it into this ugly episode, and taking it to such an extreme that you would even call it "rape"?

 

What is going on in your head that you could confuse someone making a pass at you, your own boyfriend while you're in bed with him, with a person forcibly taking you in a sexual way and not stopping when you say "no"? To say these two are apples to oranges is an insult to fruit. This is apples to skyscrapers here. Rape is a serious, serious charge, and if someone ever accused me of rape when it's most assuredly not the case then I would promise anyone that I'd never speak with them again.

 

You speak pretty openly about your ex and yourself having sex, and you gave the go-ahead... why was this man not paid the same respect? I read your early threads on him, and it seems you never really respected him at all. And from that perspective, it would easy to conclude that you used him and controlled him because you have a fear of being alone. Is this not an insult to him and his feelings? Why should he not expect an apology from you?

 

I hear you talking a lot about your feelings and how you're affected.... What about him? I don't see the care at all, and this is a man you share your bed with. Why is it all about you? Everything is about how he is or isn't doing right about you... Why not look outside yourself a little, and be a responsible adult in an adult relationship... or not. Dump him.

 

And in the end, that's my recommendation. Dump this poor guy so he has a chance with someone new who might be capable of loving him back.

[greywolf]

I don't believe avoiding him is the answer. I can only think of two reasons you'd want to do that. 1) You're trying to punish him and get him to feel sorry for what he did. 2) You're trying avoid the situation instead of standing up for yourself and dealing with what happened.

 

I don't think either of them are good choices. The first one is emotionally manipulative, and the second one doesn't solve anything.

[WomanWriter]

You're probably right, Jesttison, but at the same time, I am not just using him to not be alone. I think there is definite truth to that, but I am not intentionally trying to hurt him. I just hoped---yes naively---that it would work out because of the things that we *did* have in common. I want to believe that things can change, but that would take a miracle at this point.

 

My ex fiancee and I had sex, but I did not have the same beliefs then.

When I met my current boyfriend in church (who was just a friend at the time), he specifically told me that even though he's been sexual with 4 women in the past, he wanted to "do right" by his next partner and wait til marriage because he felt convicted with his new faith. That was the basis of startnig a relationship together. So it's not me leading him around by the balls, so to speak. This was the understanding.

 

So I can see where I am projecting and I'm no saint, but it doesn't change the fact that what he did violated my trust and I am hurt. I told him in the past that I was considering leaving him for the things that were causing problems and he said he wanted to work on them. So I don't feel I've lead him on or anything. I guess I should have left a long time ago, but this will certainly teach me to be less naive and believe things will magically work out.

[DaBladeRoden]

Well there's your problem, you were in a relationship with him but you thought of him as "just friends" material at the same time.

[WomanWriter]

I don't believe avoiding him is the answer. I can only think of two reasons you'd want to do that. 1) You're trying to punish him and get him to feel sorry for what he did. 2) You're trying avoid the situation instead of standing up for yourself and dealing with what happened.

 

I don't think either of them are good choices. The first one is emotionally manipulative, and the second one doesn't solve anything.

 

You're right. Then I think I will email him tonight (he doesn't have a phone and no computer either, but at least he can get on his sister's). Do you think it would be cowardly to break up by email?

 

I still have bad feelings about this. I wish something could work out, but I know my feelings are irrational right now. He disrespected me and broke his word...again. Shouldn't I be more angry at him? I know I sound crazy, but I feel more sad than anything else. I don't want to be angry at him. I want to hug him although I hate what he did. I just hate fighting and separation. You would think it would be easier since the man I loved for 7 years dumped me last year...but it's harder because it seems like it could work if he wanted it to, but his actions are saying otherwise. It sucks.

[jettison]

You seem to get it from your response. Reasonable, not defensive, and clear-headed. I would just add that, when someone is "in love", as this poor bloke is to you, laying beside him in bed is akin to blowing crack-smoke into an addict's face, and then getting upset when they reach for your pipe.

 

And I won't address your religious beliefs for many reasons, but I will say that spiritual fasting, although is seems like brilliant idea at the time, isn't always something that everyone can handle. We're not all saints, and to hold people to impossible standards means that you end up just looking for a villain. And in that case, a villain you will certainly find.

[WomanWriter]

Well there's your problem, you were in a relationship with him but you thought of him as "just friends" material at the same time.

 

Truth is, I see him as more than a friend when things are going well, but when he does these things, that feeling is lost. Sometimes, I really feel the feelings for him but he'll do something irresponsible or thoughtless and it hurts a lot...and I come write on here to vent and it sounds like I hate him...but I hate his irresponsible actions.

 

If we were just friends, his actions wouldn't matter so much because I'd just be a friend and I could leave. I could be there but from a distance and wouldn't get so emotionally invested. It just works better as friendship, even if that's not what I would want ideally...

[Taikero]

Break up in person.

[browneyedgirl36]

WW, I don't think avoiding him is the best idea. I think you just need to tell him, flat out, what you're upset about and get it out in the open.

 

It seems as if you value his friendship, and it seems as though maybe the two of you would be much better off being friends. He is going to be hurt, but...it's better that he be hurt than to have both of you in a relationship that isn't working for either of you.

 

He definitely disrespected you -- this is true -- but long before this, there were things about him that made you very uncomfortable, and from the beginning, you seem to have hoped that he would somehow change into someone else. He just isn't going to, though. He can work on dressing better or showering more often or whatever, but who he is, fundamentally, isn't going to change. As I pointed out before, there seem to be far too many compatibility issues for the two of you

 

He sounds very emotionally immature, and you still have your ex on your mind; I think that if you were really into B, your ex wouldn't be on your mind so much, nor would all of B's *quirks* and issues be such a big deal. So much about him bothers you, and I don't blame you -- I would be completely turned off by him for even half the stuff you've mentioned about him in your various threads.

 

That said, I think that the fear of being alone plays a huge part in why you are with him, and that just isn't a good reason to be with someone. It's unfair to him, it's unfair to you, and it doesn't make for a healthy relationship.

 

I would suggest breaking things off with B as gently as possible with the hope that, if he really is a good person to have for a friend, maybe you can be friends, at least down the road a bit.

[browneyedgirl36]

Break up in person.

 

I agree. You've been dating him for too long to break up with him in an e-mail. After a few dates, fine, but after months of being exclusive -- nope. I know it's hard to break up with someone face-to-face, but unless you fear for your safety (which I don't think you do), I think the kind and compassionate thing to do would be to tell him to his face. I had a guy break up with me via e-mail, after only two months, and it really hurt me. Once the hurt subsided, I was appalled that he wouldn't tell me to my face, and I lost all respect for him.

[Miss Firecracker]

Jettison is so right!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You seem to get it from your response. Reasonable, not defensive, and clear-headed. I would just add that, when someone is "in love", as this poor bloke is to you, laying beside him in bed is akin to blowing crack-smoke into an addict's face, and then getting upset when they reach for your pipe.

 

And I won't address your religious beliefs for many reasons, but I will say that spiritual fasting, although is seems like brilliant idea at the time, isn't always something that everyone can handle. We're not all saints, and to hold people to impossible standards means that you end up just looking for a villain. And in that case, a villain you will certainly find.

 

Wait a minute...this guy is also using the religion card...he is the one who also said he didn't want sex and touchy feelies. This is not just down to her choices...he also instigated these choices. If he can't handle his urges then he needs to talk about it with her, not simply grope her while she is sleeping. They are BOTH at fault here.