Boyfriend Groped Me While Sleeping

[Miss Firecracker]

I feel as bad for your boyfriend as I did for Steve Martin in The Man With Two Brains.

[doiiiieeezie]

Just break up with him and end the drama. Right or wrong, you don't love him and I really don't think you like him either. If he has violated your rights and privacy, then you shouldn't feel bad about it. Do it in person and wish him all the best. Then be single for a while and figure out what you want.

[jettison]

Wait a minute...this guy is also using the religion card...he is the one who also said he didn't want sex and touchy feelies. This is not just down to her choices...he also instigated these choices. If he can't handle his urges then he needs to talk about it with her, not simply grope her while she is sleeping. They are BOTH at fault here.

 

She cannot control him. She can, however and hopefully, control herself. She knows very well that he has strong sexual feelings toward her, and yet she sleeps in the same bed with him.

 

I'm about the biggest feminist you'll meet, and that includes women, but there is no equivilency here if we're talking about something like "well she was wearing that short skirt so she was asking for it." None at all. They are boyfriend/girlfriend. She sleeps in his bed. When you sleep in the same bed, you cuddle. When you cuddle with someone that you're lustful toward then you get aroused and grope.

 

What's next? Tell the sun not to shine? The flowers not to bloom? The infant not to cry? To deny human nature simply in the name of religion is just preposterous. She is an adult. As an adult, she can say "I'm not going to sleep in the same bed with you. She's no pup. She's been in a long, serious relationship so she presumably knows a little bit about biology, anatomy, and men. This is just a swing and a miss on her part.

 

When she said stop or pulled away, then did he? If he did then he respected her wishes when she reiterated them. Some part of her must of wanted or known that that was coming, at least on a subconscious level. Maybe it was an excuse to break up with him? Maybe, subconsciously, her brain said, "sleep in the same bed with him, he breaks his promise, I demonize him, excuse to breakup complete."

 

Most people that want to keep their head keep it away from the guillotine. In this case, that bed was her guillotine. One can take simple actions to control themselves and their behavior, or else they can passively let things happen to them because that's a great way to blame outcomes on other people. Fault or not on his end, who cares? She had 100% control of this situation to the letter.

[WomanWriter]

Well, I went to church early tonight to meet with him, as we normally meet early to hang out before choir practice; he wasn't there because he is going to be doing something this Sunday and won't be singing.

 

So basically, I won't have any communication with him until next Wednesday night's youth group activities, which means we won't have time to talk. And even then, that means we may not even get to talk for 2 weeks!

 

However, before all this happened, he wanted me to come visit him at work tomorrow for a special event taking place.

 

Should I go visit him like I said I would, even though we haven't talked?

 

I told our pastor what happened and he said that I need to have a serious talk with him about boundaries. He said he didn't know if I should break up with him, though, because I was in the wrong for staying over his house in his bed in the first place. I admitted he was right but even so, he should have had self-control.

 

I'm stuck about what to do. I don't want to hold all this in for 2 weeks. I don't want to break my word to meet him at work tomorrow but chances are I will be grumpy.

 

It's not true that I don't even like him or love him. I do, but I definitely don't like him very much right now and there is a lot I don't like.

 

Everyone was asking about him tonight and I told them I don't know. They think we are such a cute couple, so this is going to be really hard...

 

I hate to have a serious talk with him while at work, so I might send him an email.

[FathomFear]

I'm about the biggest feminist you'll meet, and that includes women, but there is no equivilency here if we're talking about something like "well she was wearing that short skirt so she was asking for it." None at all. They are boyfriend/girlfriend. She sleeps in his bed. When you sleep in the same bed, you cuddle. When you cuddle with someone that you're lustful toward then you get aroused and grope.

 

If you read the original post you won't see any reference to "cuddling" or any sort of mutual activity that would have caused an escalated sexual situation. She was sleeping--or at least that's what he thought she doing--and on two differnet occasions he fondled and even penetrated her with his fingers. I'm sorry, but this is not in any way normal given the context. This is not a couple who have a mutual understanding/acceptance/willingness to engage in these acts. She stated she didn't want any part of them. If he couldn't control himself, the burden is on him not to sleep in the same bed. The burden is not on her.

[FathomFear]

He said he didn't know if I should break up with him, though, because I was in the wrong for staying over his house in his bed in the first place. I admitted he was right but even so, he should have had self-control.

 

I think that's pretty horrible advice, but it's advice I'm not suprised he gave considering how the church views sex and responsibility--especially on the part of women. All I'll say is that sleeping in the same bed as another person does NOT mean you sacrifice your right to consent to sexual acts. Period. If your pastor says otherwise, that's fine, but I'd at least recommend taking his words with a grain of salt.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Honestly in the OPs case the groping is the smallest issue in the bin. It is almost moot given the other issues. Luckily it seems she recognizes this somewhat.

[WomanWriter]

I think that's pretty horrible advice, but it's advice I'm not suprised he gave considering how the church views sex and responsibility--especially on the part of women. All I'll say is that sleeping in the same bed as another person does NOT mean you sacrifice your right to consent to sexual acts. Period. If your pastor says otherwise, that's fine, but I'd at least recommend taking his words with a grain of salt.

 

I agree. I expected him to basically take his side. He loves my boyfriend (so does everyone else in the congregation). But it seems a lot of people here also agree that I was asking for it by sleeping in the same bed. You are one of the only few that seems to realize that sleeping in a bed with someone does not mean they can do whatever they want to a person....especially if they had an agreement!

 

All the other problems added up make this problem worse, but in principle, I think most of the other posters don't get it. He could even be my husband for all it counts, and he would still have no right to do whatever he wants IF I said no. This happened twice, also. I asserted myself both times, but I guess I should have been even more assertive. Even so, doesn't change what he did and I still think he is responsible for this. I am hurt more by the pastor. I feel like so many people think "guys will be guys." Makes me feel sorry for women who have had even worse things happen!

[FathomFear]

I agree. I expected him to basically take his side. He loves my boyfriend (so does everyone else in the congregation). But it seems a lot of people here also agree that I was asking for it by sleeping in the same bed.

 

Well, if I were in your shoes I would have dumped him after the first time it happened. But in no way do I think you "asked for it". He's an adult. Adults should behave like, well, adults, and respect boundaries and understand basic principles like "Sexual acts require consent". Someone can't justify sexual assault by saying "I got horny..." any more than someone can justify physical assualt by saying "I got angry...". We have more control over ourselves than that.

[itsallgrand]

I haven't read all the posts for this.

 

If it were me though, Woman Writer, that would be reason enough for me to walk. End of. Story.

 

He seems like a very conflicted person. And whatever issues you may be having, and things on your end of this, it still doesn't make it ok. You feel violated - those are your feelings, and I don't blame you a bit. I would feel that way also.

 

I don't see how in these circumstances it would be worth it to put anything else into this relationship.

 

Frankly, I think you would do well to have some time to yourself. There are so many reasons that time to your own would be good for you.

 

And now it is going into creating issues that weren't issues before territory...nothing is worth sticking around for once you feel violated. You need to figure that stuff out first - so this doesn't become something that takes you on a downward spiral internally and with your own sexuality.

 

that is my opinion on it anyways.

[Miss Firecracker]

Why do you continue to torment him? I know you say you like and love him, but if you will read all your previous posts you will see that you surely do not appear to. He may not be your intellectual equal and he may be a slob, but for God's sake, please let him have a little peace and allow him to find someone halfway compatible. OMG!

[Miss Firecracker]

This is the strangest love story I've ever heard.

 

Angry-Vent

 

I am angry at B. Every time I say something, he has to top it with his own stupid story. I feel all anxious and upset now and I hate feeling like that. Also, I am sick of his weird sexuality. I am going to explode. Yes, I want to wait til marriage this time around, but dam#...it's like he has a problem and can't get turned on or whatever. I don't like that. He's like ashamed of his sexuality. And he has a physical problem but won't fix it. And he stayed home from work because he has a blister on his foot! For crying out loud! He doesn't even have time off because he only gets minimum wage. He just didn't want the blister to get infected.

 

I feel sick to my stomach. I really do. We were all cuddling close last night but I couldn't bring myself to kiss him on the lips. It grossed me out. He needs a toothbrush. I feel sick saying this because he's a romantic, Christian guy who seems to have the same life ideals as I do. But he's majorly turning me off...emotionally, physically, and mentally.

 

Oh, he is talking to me on IM right now. He wants to know what's wrong because I am no longer responding. What in the world do I say? I just said "sorry, feeling some walls right now." And he said he understands. But what the heck do I say eventually?

 

What am I going to do? We've told each other everything personal. It's weird. I trust him in a way, but I don't respect him in a way.

 

It makes me sick to think of him acting like an old man...all lovey dovey but no sex appeal. Too bad because he's a cute guy but he ruins it by the way

he acts at times. He just seems so girly soemtimes....in a bad way...his voice is high and it kinda makes me feel weird. He said his big feet don't correspond to...you know...that made me feel ill. TMI!

 

What am I supposed to say? We are supposed to be dating and he's already talking about marriage and stuff. How do I get out of this? I have to see him at church twice a week and he's crazy about me. I would be attracted to him...but I can't be when this stuff just creeps in my mind.

[FreedomRing]

LOL @ Miss Firecracker.. lol

 

You know WW, I really think you pick on this guy so much, and constantly go back and forth between LIKE hate with him, because the person you're really angry and in conflict with is your EX.

 

Plain and simple, i think you use your present bf as a punching bag for all the anger you have towards your ex, that you can't express to him.

 

Yes, indeed, I do believe you are with this guy bc you don't want to be alone. Be honest with yourself. Who else would get involved with someone who has no telephone or computer that provides other forms of communicating with the world, much less, their girlfriend. Gimme a break.

 

I think you think this is the best you can get at the moment, and you've settled, which is also contributing to your unhappiness with this guy.

 

Yes he sounded creepy from the get-go, but you have to hold your responsible for YOUR actions throughout all this.

 

No, he should not have groped you while you were sleeping, if you both agreed on no frisky behavior, and after you said "no".

 

But you have to think about this for a minute. If you really were with someone you geuninely wanted to be in a committed relationship with(i.e. your ex), would you have been so turned off/angry/ upset if he got frisky in his sleep? And thats another thing..you didn't stop him immediately bc you were in a "dream state" and groggy...how do you know that he may not have been in "dream state" too?

 

One other thing...I'd stop consulting with your pastor from the church, and telling everyone IN the church about every fight you and B have...why would you do this? Aren't some parts of your relationship to be private? Yes he sounds emotionally immature, but this entire relationship seems 'immature' for the ages you both are.

 

What's going to be the difference if you go and break up with him in person THIS TIME, opposed to all the other times you were meeting him in person to break up?

 

I would send the email and be done with it. (And I would probably find another church while this wound is still fresh, but thats just what I would do).

[WomanWriter]

Ok, you know, you can bring up my past moments of fleeting feelings, tell me how I really feel about B, and just all around slam my character, but that doesn't help me any. Some of you have been very helpful, and I don't want you to think your advice is unappreciated. For those who offered constructive criticism, thank you for the reality check and the gentle prodding to look at what's going on. Those who just want to convince me that I'm crazy, well it is obvious that I am acting irrational. That really doesn't need to be pointed out! But anyway, I will post the results of this issue in a post below just because I know a lot of people put input into this particular post.

[WomanWriter]

This morning I went down to his work (he invited me to come before we had the falling out). At first, he was very uncomfortable. He thought I hated him. Then he started crying and told me that he was sorry for touching me without consent. I know it took a lot of effort on his part because he never tells anyone he is sorry. We were in front of military personnel and B was standing there in his Army uniform crying in front of the guys. He was trembling and could not get the words out, then he just grabbed me and hugged me.

 

I told him that I let the pastor know what he did. B said that he is glad because he felt like his life was spinning out of control and he needs someone to know what is going on because he needs help with his problem.

 

He told me that I am a dear friend and that he hopes he doesn't lose me as one. He said he understands that he messed up and thinks he has big problems. I agreed and said that we could still hang out ocassionally but we rushed into a relationship too fast when we should have been working on our own problems. He agreed and said that it is really hard because he has feelings for me, but he doesn't want to lose me as a friend too.

 

He asked if he could kiss me on the forehead and I said that is fine. I told him I will no longer be visiting his home and if he would like to hang out, he can ask me to do something in public like go to the movies or we can just see each other as church friends. He said he liked that because we both do need our own space and he knows that I am right, that we have too many problems to be in a serious relationship.

 

Overall, I feel better about it. He took me on a tour of the military acadamy, we laughed, and I met some people. It was very nice just seeing him as a friend and I felt much better. I told him that I can accept his imperfections as a friend because I am going home at the end of the day...but with partners, I have higher standards. He said he understands and absolutely respects that.

 

I left him with a laugh and a wink. We won't see each other until church next week but that's OK.

[Capricorn3]

I told him that I let the pastor know what he did..

Was it really necessary to tell your pastor about this? I would think such private/personal things be discussed between yourselves as it is none of the pastor's business (imo). Not sure what church you go to, but don't pastors and churches frown upon people "living in sin"? What does the pastor think about you sharing your bed with a man, when not married? Does he approve of this? Just curious ....

[Taikero]

Was it really necessary to tell your pastor about this? I would think such private/personal things be discussed between yourselves as it is none of the pastor's business (imo). Not sure what church you go to, but don't pastors and churches frown upon people "living in sin"? What does the pastor think about you sharing your bed with a man, when not married? Does he approve of this? Just curious ....

 

In some faiths, it is common practice to bring up sinful behavior with your spiritual leader. Not so out of the norm I think.

[Capricorn3]

In some faiths, it is common practice to bring up sinful behavior with your spiritual leader. Not so out of the norm I think.

Ah, ok. I must be out of touch with churches these days, lol. So, quick question then if you don't mind? Would the OP's behaviour be seen as "sinful" too? Or is it only her boyfriend to blame?

[Taikero]

Ah, ok. I must be out of touch with churches these days, lol. So, quick question then if you don't mind? Would the OP's behaviour be seen as "sinful" too? Or is it only her boyfriend to blame?

 

As far as I'm aware, both of their behavior would be considered sinful under a more conservative Christian viewpoint, yes.

 

I"m agnostic and have been for 8 years, so you'll have to forgive me if I'm a little rusty, but last I checked sharing a bed or shower or touching each other in sexual ways such as petting was all sinful and/or full of temptation. Generally not a good idea if you're into that whole waiting for marriage thing.

[browneyedgirl36]

I think you did the right thing here. I think you and B CAN be friends because, as you said here, there are things about our friends that we can overlook that would be much harder to overlook in a partner, and a lot of those things are the very things that hinder our attraction to someone in a romantic sense. I think that you were trying really hard to convince yourself that you wanted to be with him in a romantic sense, but that ultimately, you really didn't. I've been there -- really wanting to fall in love with a certain guy because I was lonely, or because he really seemed *into* me, etc., but there was always this underlying feeling that he just wasn't right for me. Some people are just better as friends, and it's good that you were honest with him about this.

 

I think it was good that you spoke to him in person, too, rather than e-mailing him, and that he acknowledged that his behavior was NOT ok. I still think that he is very emotionally immature, and that he has a lot of growing up to do before he can get into a mature, adult relationship. Someday, maybe, he will wake up and make some pretty drastic changes in his life. It's difficult, and many people simply aren't willing to put in the work to do it, but I guess time will tell.

 

I think you did the right thing for yourself AND for him.

[Miss Firecracker]

I am not the least bit surprised the pastor was sympathetic toward this man.

 

I hope this is the last time you make him cry. Nothing sadder than a man sobbing, especially in public.

 

What is strange is that rant you made, complaining how he sickens you acting like an old man that can't get aroused. Now that he can, look what happened. You told the preacher on him. He just can't win.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with this. I think you did the right thing by leaving it as a friendship. From what you described of this man he does indeed need to get in touch with the real world. No means of communication aside from seeing you at Church is no way to conduct a relationship.

[WomanWriter]

Thank you, BrowneyedGirl

 

I feel like you really understand what I went through, having been there, and it really helps me feel not alone. I appreciate your encouragement all along. It means a lot.

[WomanWriter]

Was it really necessary to tell your pastor about this? I would think such private/personal things be discussed between yourselves as it is none of the pastor's business (imo). Not sure what church you go to, but don't pastors and churches frown upon people "living in sin"? What does the pastor think about you sharing your bed with a man, when not married? Does he approve of this? Just curious ....

 

It is expected in our church that we come to each other for guidance and accountability. I admitted I slept in the same bed...the pastor did frown on it. I take responsibility for that, even though we did communicate about our expectations. I was mistaken to be so naive and think we could just sleep next to each other. Of course, we don't *have* to tell the pastor anything, but I know that B doesn't mind because we have gone to him with personal problems at other times and B thinks it helps us stay accountable. So he's not upset with me. He feels relieved and so do I, about that.

[WomanWriter]

I agree with this. I think you did the right thing by leaving it as a friendship. From what you described of this man he does indeed need to get in touch with the real world. No means of communication aside from seeing you at Church is no way to conduct a relationship.

 

Thanks. It was weird having to wait until church to make plans with him. Our friends would often ask where the other was and we didn't know since we couldn't call one another. Weird. I am not counting on anything from him now, which is a little scary because it means I have to focus on my own life from now on. But that's what needs to done.